Summary: Remus should be working on his Rune assignment, but instead remembers the one night he and Sirius spent in the same bed. /indicate thoughts/.
Chapter 3 – A Surprising Revelation
Flashback:
The dance had turned out to be rather fun, even though Remus never felt entirely at ease in those social situations. Oh, his date had been pleasant, and they had actually danced. She didn't cling to him all night, so he was able to spend some time laughing and joking with his friends, too. However, at the end of the evening when he gave her a chaste kiss goodnight, she had pressed against him, obviously wanting more than he felt able to give. He had politely disentangled himself, and with a gentle "Sleep well," made his escape back to his dorm room.
That's why he never felt quite right. He didn't want to snog or shag any of the girls in his year. He didn't want to snog or shag girls, period. It had taken a while, but fifteen-year-old Remus Lupin had finally come to terms with the fact that he was attracted to boys. What complicated matters was the additional realization that he was very attracted to Sirius. Gangly, skinny Sirius, whose body over the past year had started to fill out, with flesh and muscle overlaying the once bony frame. Whose short hair was now worn down to his shoulders in a flowing tumble of black satin waves. Whose young face was slowly being sculpted into the planes and angles of a handsome man. Strong, intelligent Sirius, with eyes that could be cold as a blizzard or warm as the spring sky.
Remus glanced at his roommates' empty beds. Peter and James had girlfriends, so it was no surprise that they were still out. Remus smiled. /Probably snogging like crazy somewhere./ And Sirius? Well, it was hard to tell what went on in his mind when it came to girls. He had always been popular because of his intelligence and quietly sly sense of humor, along with a peculiar coltish charm. Now that his new-found good looks entered the equation, he had to fend the Hogwarts female population off with a stick. But, Remus had the impression that Sirius, too, usually kept the girls at arms length, never going out with anyone more than once. The more Remus thought about it, the more he saw the coolness that seemed to envelop Sirius like a cloak whenever he was with a girl.
Remus reflected on that thought.
The door opened quietly, and one of the missing roommates came in, moving soundlessly across the room. Peering intently, Remus saw that it was Sirius. The tall boy undressed quickly in the dark, and Remus heard rather than saw him slide into bed.
"You don't have to be so quiet." Remus said.
"You mean you're lying there awake and you didn't seize the chance to read a couple of chapters of "The History of Goblins" for Binns' class?"
Remus ignored his friend's teasing. "Are the others out getting into trouble?"
Sirius snickered slightly. "Getting into each others' pants is more like it."
"Sirius Black, are you implying that someone in this room is having sex tonight?" Remus exclaimed in mock shock.
Sirius remained silent for a long moment.
"I know for sure that someone in this room had sex tonight," Sirius replied calmly.
Remus sat up in bed and stared closely through the gloom at the figure in the next bed. He could see the dark head propped up against a pillow but could barely make out Sirius' profile.
"Are you saying that you had sex tonight?"
Sirius sighed. "Yes."
Remus considered the less-than-enthusiastic response. "You don't seem very happy about it. Madeleine was all over you at the dance; I'd have thought she'd have been more than happy to...you know…" Remus stuttered to a stop, suddenly overcome with embarrassment.
Sirius didn't respond for such a long time that Remus decided he'd pushed too far. He slid back under his covers.
So low that only Remus' sharp werewolf ears could hear, Sirius finally murmured, "I wasn't with Maddy."
The troubled tone in Sirius' voice was very out of place. Remus sat back up.
"What's bothering you? Were you with another girl, and Maddy's going to find out about it?"
Remus heard a slight whisper of sheets as Sirius twitched restlessly in his bed.
"Remus, I…There's something…I want to tell…Oh, never mind."
The bewilderment in his friend's voice kindled an unexpected, but comforting, protective response in Remus. Sirius didn't often open up and put his emotions on display to anyone but James, so it made Remus feel good that Sirius needed his support tonight. He got up and came over to sit at the edge of Sirius' bed, right near his hip.
"You can tell me anything. I swear I won't say a word, not even to James."
Sitting so close, Remus couldn't help but notice that Sirius wasn't wearing a pajama top. He probably wasn't wearing the bottoms, either. Remus opened his mouth to say more but his breath caught in his throat at an unfamiliar scent rising from his friend's skin. It was strange and musky and deeply arousing. He bit his tongue to stifle a feral growl. He leaned a little closer, propping his hand against the mattress near Sirius' other hip, arching over him, trying to drink in more of that heady odor. Suddenly, Remus was gripped by a visceral longing to strip the confining sheets away from his friend's body and press his face against Sirius' chest, to devour that aroma, to slide his lips down along the warm skin, down across the flat stomach and abdomen, down until he reached the hidden source of his desire. With an effort, he focused his attention back on Sirius' face, which was a little clearer to see, now that he was nearer. Remus decided to sit quietly and wait, determinedly ignoring the heat flooding his groin.
Finally, Sirius spoke. "I was with Tim Hurley."
Remus was stunned. He'd had no idea and now, out of the blue, Sirius was telling him this?
"Oh," he said, silently cursing the disappearance of his customary articulateness. He couldn't read Sirius' expression in the darkness, so again he decided to wait. The silence between them lengthened. Finally, Sirius drew away from Remus to sit up against the farthest edge of his headboard, with his legs curled up in front of him.
"I'm sorry Remus. You're uncomfortable with this. I shouldn't have said anything. Can we just forget it?"
His voice was even and cool and carefully modulated. It was the same voice he used to try to evade blame for some prank, the eminently reasonable tone he used to logically explain to a professor why he could not possibly be responsible for flooding the Slytherin bathrooms. That voice could still con some of the professors some of the time, but it cut no ice with Remus.
"I'm not uncomfortable, Sirius. Just…surprised, that's all. I never got the impression that you were gay. Unless what you're telling me is that you were just experimenting tonight…"
Remus continued to peer through shadows, wishing he could get a clearer look at his friend. At the same time, he tried to remain loose and relaxed, so perhaps Sirius would sense from his body language that he was not disturbed by this surprising revelation. Sirius remained silent, compelling Remus to keep talking.
"Are you okay with this, Sirius? You don't seem particularly ecstatic about tonight." A sudden thought struck him. "Did he force you?"
That surprised Sirius into speaking. "No! Of course not! I wanted him as much as he wanted me. Why do you think he'd try to force me?"
"Your reticence. You wanted to tell me earlier and now you seem to want to stop talking about it. I can't help but think your experience with Hurley wasn't all that good." Silence again. Remus decided to change tactics. "Then there's the age difference. He's seventeen, but you're only fifteen. You're not at the age of consent. And, besides, it's not legal for males to…you know."
"To have sex!" Sirius snorted with suppressed laughter. "Oh, Moony, leave it to you to drag out the legal arguments. I'm almost sixteen. I'm certainly not going to start screaming about statutory rape, so Tim has nothing to worry about." He added wryly, "Besides, I wasn't sixteen in July, either."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that Hurley wasn't the first. And he's out of the running for second and third, for that matter."
Remus felt like he had been catapulted into a parallel universe. Surely this person he was talking to was Parallel Sirius, not the Sirius he'd spent most of the last 5 years with. The Sirius he knew could no longer walk down the hallways at Hogwarts without several girls for company. They revolved around him like planets around the sun. Remus felt a twinge of hope.
"So, you're telling me you're not experimenting? You're really gay?"
"Yes."
"I confess I'm still a little surprised. But I do not have a problem with this." /Not at all./ "When did you figure this out?"
"I've known for a long time. I finally decided to do something about it this past summer during the Black family's excruciatingly ponderous vacation in Paris. All so formal and stiff and proper. God, it was awful. Really, how is it possible to make Paris seem dull and stifling? We must have some sort of genetic predisposition to throttling the joy and spontaneity out of life. Cultivate the right people. Wear the right clothes. Whittle life down and measure it out in carats and galleons."
Remus heard the unhappy undercurrent that belied Sirius' wry tone. But, before he could reply, Sirius continued. "I felt so trapped, so claustrophobic. So, I would slip out of the hotel late at night and stroll along the Seine, or find a fountain to sit by, or try to sneak into a club, anything to get away from them for a while, just so I could breathe. And one night I met Paul and we- Remus, how much of this do you want to hear?"
/Everything. Tell me everything. Every, little detail./ "As much as you want to tell me, Sirius." Remus was surprised at how calm his voice sounded. "Tell me about Paul. Is he someone special?"
"No. He came on to me, I acquiesced, and we fucked." Sirius summarized succinctly.
Again, Remus felt the ground shift underneath him. "Just like that? No romance, no affection, just sex?"
When it came to problem-solving, Sirius could sometimes be astringently clinical. While that made him a great Potions partner, Remus found it unnerving when he applied the same cold precision to personal issues.
"Paul was about 25 years old, unattached and looking for sex. He didn't want a boyfriend; he just wanted to shag. I let him know I was interested, inexperienced and in the neighborhood for a few weeks. That was all he needed. The idea of teaching a virgin all about sex appealed to him. He liked the idea of playing the master. He couldn't wait to break me in."
Sweaty thoughts of dominance, control and submission tumbled through Remus' mind. He felt himself harden as he pictured Sirius naked, in bed, obeying the whispered commands of his lover, curving into wanton positions, wrapping his long limbs around a mature man's body, willingly submitting to a stranger's touch. Remus swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly dry.
Sirius' controlled voice drew more pictures in Remus' mind. "I wanted him to do everything to me. I wanted to feel the weight of his body on top of me. I wanted him pushing deep inside me. I wanted him to fuck me. Long and hard and-"
He stopped abruptly and drew in an audibly shaky breath. "We met almost every night, except for one rainy day when I went to his flat and we spent most of the day in bed. And one Sunday I was with the family at a restaurant and I saw Paul sitting alone at another table. We slipped out back into the alley a couple of times. He told me I had an oral aptitude for some things."
Remus feared his head would explode if Sirius kept revealing his secrets. The visions in his mind stoked the overheated furnace of his desire. He worried that Sirius sensed his arousal. Remus forced himself to focus.
"And that was it? A fling?"
"Yeah. It was simply a matter of convenience to both of us. That's all."
"And the others?" Remus had abandoned trying to speak in longer sentences for fear he'd start panting.
"Remember our first Hogsmeade weekend this year? We split up and later you ran into me outside the Hog's Head pub. Do you remember the bloke I was talking to there?"
That shocked the werewolf back into normal speech. "Him? Are you crazy? He was at least 30 years older than you. When did you meet with him?"
"Later that night. He was staying at the inn and he sneaked me up to his room. He was a little surprised I showed up. He thought I was just talking a good game, but he was happy enough to get me into bed with him."
They heard people coming somewhat noisily up the stairs. Remus acted quickly. Grabbing his wand off the nightstand, he hurriedly closed the curtains of Sirius' bed and whispered a silencing charm.
"There. We can continue our discussion without anyone else hearing." He shuddered slightly from a combination of lust, the chilly night air, and his own daring at planting himself firmly on Sirius' bed. He fervently hoped Sirius wouldn't tell him to get lost.
"You're shivering. Wait a second," Sirius muttered. Remus felt him shift on the bed and then wriggle around like a fish out of water.
"What are you doing?"
"Putting on my pajama bottoms. Okay. Why don't you get under the covers to warm up?"
"You sure?"
"Moony, I promise I won't molest you," Sirius teased wryly.
Remus crawled under the covers, grateful for the warmth of his friend's body. His hand accidentally brushed along Sirius' naked arm as he settled in. A tingle buzzed through him. They lay quietly for a while, their bodies not quite touching.
Finally Remus had to ask the question that had been tapping at the edge of his mind. "So, are you and Tim…will you see each other again?"
Once more Sirius sighed. He didn't sound happy. "I'm not interested in dating him. I just wanted sex tonight."
"Oh." Inwardly, Remus rejoiced, but he felt somewhat guilty about it. "Are you interested in anyone? I mean, if you are, but don't want to mention any names, I'd understand and-"
"Yes," Sirius interrupted. Crestfallen, Remus was glad the darkness hid his expression. Sirius continued. "But, I've never said anything to him. He has no clue. Although he knows about me."
Remus pondered silently for a few moments. /Who knows, besides me? James? Maybe, but he's not gay. Peter? Hmmm. I doubt it. So who else/ His stomach tightened. /Me/
Cautiously, hardly daring to draw breath, Remus turned to face Sirius in the dark. Speaking slowly and deliberately to hide any possible quaver in his voice he said, "Maybe you should tell him."
The mattress tilted as Sirius slid a few inches away from Remus. "I don't know. I guess I'm afraid of his reaction."
Remus huffed. "You're not afraid to hang by your ankles off the top of the Astronomy Tower, but you're afraid to tell someone who you think knows about you that you like him?" Emboldened by Sirius' confession of fear, Remus reached out and grasped his shoulder. It was all he could do to keep his hand still, and not let it tickle along a collarbone or wander off elsewhere along that body. He felt a tremor under his fingers, but the taller boy did not pull away. Remus gently persisted. "Sirius, you don't have a chance if you keep this to yourself."
"I know. You're right, of course. I'll say something. Soon." He bent the knee closest to Remus, creating a tent out of the bedclothes. Remus wondered if he was trying to hide anything. He let go of the firm, warm shoulder, afraid he'd give in to his desire to slide his hand down to Sirius' groin to check on his suspicions. They lay quietly. The only sound was their not-quite-even breathing.
Remus turned and settled on his back, widening the distance between them. Finally, he asked, "Have you said anything to your parents?"
"Oh, God, no!" Sirius moaned. Remus sensed rather than saw the extravagant eye roll. "You've met them. Can't you just see what their reactions would be if I told them I was gay? My father would be torn between disowning me and flat out killing me on the spot. And my mother would keel over dead from a stroke."
Remus had taken an instant dislike to Sirius' parents. Although outwardly polite, he sensed they didn't think he was a suitable friend for their son. But, he felt compelled to try to look at things optimistically.
"Oh, Sirius, no. You're wrong. Yes, they'd be surprised, but they'd get over it."
"No, they wouldn't. They've spent years not listening to what I tell them about myself because it's not what they want to hear. Just like they don't believe me when I tell them I want to be an Auror, and not a jeweler. Whenever I say or do something wrong, they sneer about the childish phase I'm going through. Or they make cutting remarks about how such a bright boy can be so stupid. I wish I knew how to get their attention so that they'd listen, really listen, to me. Tell them I'm gay? Ha!" He chuckled, but it was a laugh full of bitterness. "They'd certainly hear that. And they'd hate me for it."
Words deserted Remus. He knew. He had physically recoiled on hearing the insults Sirius' parents directed towards their son, comments made all the more biting by their off-handed casualness. Sirius was right. They would hate him.
"Remus, my family is so…traditional. Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding every Sunday for dinner. If a shepherd's pie somehow found its way to the table, they'd glare down their noses at it like it was some sort of rude, smelly tramp tracking mud all over the house." Sirius paused and then added, his voice barely above a whisper. "That's how they look at me sometimes. Like I don't belong there."
The dry humor had snapped like a bough breaking under too much strain. Sirius' tone was so bleak it made Remus cringe. His arousal gone, he tried desperately to think of something comforting to say. But, before he could speak, Sirius continued wistfully.
"We're opposites, you and I. A terrible accident cursed you forever, while an accident of birth entitles me to all sorts of things I don't want. But, I envy you, Remus. Your parents would do anything for you, to try to cure you. And they'll always love you, no matter what. My parents don't even see me. They see the heir to the throne, like we're some sort of fucking royalty. And they hate that I'm not what they want in a son. They wanted a perfect, little prince, and what they got was this ugly, gangly troll whose brain doesn't work in acceptable ways."
"You really are mental, you know," Remus snorted, grasping at a flimsy opportunity to lighten the mood. "A troll? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?"
"It makes no difference! Not to them!" Sirius replied vehemently. "They've got an image in their minds that I'll never measure up to. And I can't make them understand why I'm different. I've tried to talk to them and they don't pay attention. All they do is ignore me or ridicule me. Or get angry. Why can't they hear me? Why can't they listen? Just once…"
Remus hated the tone in his friend's voice. It wasn't the voice of the self-possessed, increasingly attractive young man Remus desired. It was the plaintive sound of a lost boy, confused and hurt by the hostility he felt from those who were supposed to love him.
"I don't know. I'm sorry, Sirius."
Tentatively, he reached out again to touch the taller boy and was surprised when Sirius suddenly rolled towards him, burying his head into Remus' shoulder, an arm encircling his waist. Remus locked his own arms around his friend and held him, feeling smooth skin under his hands and soft hair against his cheek. He felt a torrent of words building up behind his lips, a flood of phrases not of comfort or reassurance, but of a powerful attraction and a wild affection that went far beyond friendship. But, the time wasn't right. Tentatively, he gently stroked the silky hair, but his words remained locked inside. They lay together silently until sleep claimed them.
End flashback.
TBC