So, spring break for me has ended, and now I'm back on my campus, ready to conquer the scholastic endeavors that school has decided to give me. So, I was in my intro to literary studies class yesterday, and I got inspired to write a new chapter of this story. I was going to end it here, but nah. Then I went to my philosophy class, even more eager to write it. I believe it shall get deep, people, so don't hate me. Flames are always welcomed, as you guys have told me with the whole Daikeru thing. Anyways, here's Chapter 4. Oh, by the way… This is just Taichi's P.O.V.

Chapter 4: An Aubade to Flesh and Steel

"Sigh…"

It's been a long week. I haven't seen Sora or Yamato ever since their little excursion that I arranged. They're probably off somewhere laughing it up and having fun. They're probably off somewhere, sitting on the beach, drinking pina coladas, watching the oranges and reds that wash over the sky and sea, as Yamato holds… my… Sora… in his arms. They're probably off somewhere, playing in the snow, making snowmen, throwing snowballs, frolicking in the snow… Or better yet, they're probably off somewhere, laughing at me, mocking me…

'Stupid Taichi. You're an idiot. I never wanted you. That time we had together? It was nothing. I was thinking about Yama the whole time. A friend? You? No. I don't love you. I don't like you. I hate you.'

"NO! No… Sora wouldn't do that to me… She's… my… friend."

That's right. Keep telling yourself that…

"Sigh… If I had the courage… I would have told her how I still felt…"

It was too late for that. I can still remember that special moment that me and her shared. She was so beautiful. She was so perfect. She was so… Sora. She was everything I imagined. I was nervous, because it was my first time… But it didn't matter. All I knew was that this was my chance. I was screaming her name. And she screamed his. Yamato? You wanted Yamato the whole time? You used me? You were thinking about Yamato the whole time! Sora, I'm sorry doesn't exactly cut it for me! How could you do this to me! Why, Sora! Why!

"Sigh…"

My Sora. She's mine. At least, I always wanted her to be mine. I gave her my heart, but she didn't want it. So, I had to act like nothing happened. Then, there was that sleepover. Just me and Sora, best friends! Yah, no sexual tension between us, right Sora? Let's bake cookies and talk about our crushes and forget that we did… anything.

'So, Taichi… Who do you like?'

"I like… I love… you, Sora…"

If I had the courage, I would have said that to her face. But I didn't. I just named random girls with faces I don't even know. Yah, Sora… I lied. I didn't like any of those girls. I loved you. I still love you. Even though I don't want to, I still do!

"If I had the courage… She'd be here… With me."

And you were quick to respond with Yamato. I would have never known! And you went on and on about how he's a great guy. And you went on and on about how he's a triple threat… great singer… great cook… great brother… And you went on and on about how you want to go to the prom with…

"Yamato… If I had the courage… I would have killed him."

Me? Kill Yamato? Unlikely… he's always been there for me. I remembered how he would open up to me about all his problems. I'd go to him for all my problems… except Sora. I wouldn't talk about Sora to anyone. Only Takeru, because he was there. Not even Hikari or Daisuke. It's not like anyone cares. I'm too squeamish to do anything about it. I am a coward. I am one who lacks courage. I am one who lacks. I am nothing without courage. I am… nothing.

"If I had the courage…"

I'd get up. I wouldn't be here, sitting on the recliner, in the dark. It's the only spot in this whole damn apartment where I could relax. No, not in my room. That's where the incident happened. That's where my world crumbled. No thanks. I rather stay here, the last place the light can reach me. Besides, I like it here. I can look at Grandpa's war regalia. The wall's covered with medals and ribbons and pictures. They tell a tale of courage. My Grandpa, the war hero. He even won the purple heart. My grandma was there to accept it. My Grandpa, dead, by the puncture of a bullet. Not of war, but of himself. The voices that courage brought upon were too much for him. He didn't want anything to do with that particular medal. But I'm sure that it was a source of his downfall. It just hung there, 50 years. I guess by year 51, it got to him.

"If I had the courage, I'd be a soldier. I'd fight 'til the end, just like Grandpa. I'd fight for her. Sora… I'd fight for you."

But I didn't. Sora's with Yama, and I'm dead. I'm as dead as Grandpa. He had the courage to know what to do when things go wrong. A coward, people say. He was a coward for leaving everyone behind? Call him a coward when he was flying overhead, maneuvering in the face of danger, willing to risk his life for his country. I would never question his courage. I? I have no courage to question in the first place. I'm too cowardly to do what Grandpa did. He used a gun.

"Sigh… Sora… Forget about me… Just know that you're still on my mind and heart… when they cease to be."

I don't know how many of these I have taken. Grandpa sure did leave a lot of his medicine behind. 3… 4… 5… 6 bottles of pills? Of course, they're all empty now…

"At least I won't have gout…"

Stupid Taichi. I need to find the courage to end the pain. Courage and pain seem to fit perfectly together. In order to have one, you must have the other. I guess that's what my professors were trying to tell me today…

'In Ernest Hemmingway's 'Soldier's Home,' the protagonist lied about being courageous. He, in fact, admitted that he was scared, just so he could fit in with the other soldiers who were telling their stories, filled with numerous atrocities. He was courageous. He was calm and relaxed in the battlefield. He lacked the doubt others would having when he pulled the trigger, knowing that there was a living being in front of it. But, that wasn't valued. Lacking compassion is not valued. No. He didn't lack compassion. He knew what to do. He knew that his job had to be done, and he had the courage to do so.'

And it went on, from one class to another. I guess Aristotle must be rolling around in his grave, yelling… screaming at me, rather.

'The philosophy of Ancient Greece still rings true to this day. Having courage is knowing when to act.'

"Whatever that means… I'll do you proud, Hemmingway… I'll do you proud, Aristotle… I'll do you proud… My Sora."

I had to get out of here. I need relief. I need courage. I wouldn't find it here, in this dank room filled with pictures and pieces of copper tied to string. The real courage is in the kitchen. I must go there. I must go.

"Stupid Hikari didn't wash the knife after making her damn sandwich."

So what? I'll die with mayonnaise lining the bleeding wounds that cover my wrists. It's still honorable. This is the answer. The answer to all my squeamish fears. I could never cut myself. I always thought that was the worst way to die. I still get the chills just thinking about it. Luckily, I'm not thinking anymore. I have courage.

"If I had the courage… I'd get this shit over with."

Urr… I can't! I'm still scared. I'm not scared of living a life feeling unloved. Feeling the way I have been. Being a little pawn in Sora's sick game. But I do feel I am a little harsh on the girl of my dreams. She didn't do anything wrong. If I had the courage… She would know how I feel by now. She would know how I feel right now.

"Here it goes… I guess there's no turning back."

Ironic. I'll die in the same place Grandpa did. I was 4. He was ageless. I admired him so much. I remember that day. We just went to the park. He said he wanted to watch me swing on the swingset. I didn't know why back then. But, it was the thing I loved the most. He loved to see me smile. He loved me. It was just him and me. Hikari, just being a little baby, was being watched by my Grandma in their apartment a few blocks away. After that, I took a nap. I woke up to loud sobbing. Cries. Chilling cries that still haunt my memory. Cries that my parents ignored. I was scared, but I had to know what was happening. I guess you could call that courage. But then I saw it…

'Taichi! Get out of here! I have to do this! I have to get away! No more of this! Go! Get out of here! Don't look at me anymore! I can't take this pain! Go!'

He thought I ran behind the wall. But I saw him. And to this day, I'm sure he saw me. He looked at me. And pulled the trigger.

'Goodbye… Taichi…'

"GRANDPA! NO! DON'T DO IT! Gasp… Gasp… Gasp…"

Enough of this. This is getting old. He's gone, and I can't do anything about it. I could just join him. Join him in the ranks of those who were courageous. Join him in the ranks of those who were heroes. Me, a hero. Me, courageous.

"If I had the courage, I would pick up this knife…"

And I did. The knife's radiance shined through the mayonnaise. It appealed so deeply to me. The coldness, sleekness, sharpness of the blade. I need it so.

"If I had the courage… I will… cut… myself."

No one could save me now. Not even Hikari. She could walk in at this very moment, and I'll still keep slashing and slashing. I saw my Grandpa kill himself, and I turned out okay. No one. Not even her. Not even…

"Sora. I need courage. Sora. I need you."

And I fell. I guess I don't have the courage. I couldn't do it. Sora still has to know how I feel. Who would tell her? Nobody. Nobody knows. And if they did, they wouldn't care. I can't do it this way. This is the coward's way out. Grandpa, my hero… You were a coward.

"If I had the courage… I would… stop… sobbing…"

But I didn't. I was there, crying so long. Hours. Days. Weeks? Who knew? All I knew was that my heart still had something left to do. My heart stopped me. My mind was rooting me on, going for it. Stupid heart! It wouldn't ever let me do something! Why Sora!

"WHY!"

All of a sudden, I had the notion to ask her. Who knew that I would get my chance? There was a note taped to the fridge. It was from Sora. I'm guessing Hikari taped it there. I should remind myself to thank her for saving my life.

"Meet me in the park… Tonight… At 7? Love, Sora?"

I hope you liked it. Kinda deep, I know. I'll post the last chapter soon. I went to class today, and I got inspired to do two other stories, so watch out for that…

ek