I'm not Sorry
By Anne-Katrin C.
She fell down from the horse, prepared to hit the hard ground beneath her. This was so embarrassing! But she never touched the ground. Instead she landed in his strong arms, holding her steady. She looked down, feeling his heart pounding against her shoulder and his warm breath against her hair. When she looked up she was frightened at how close his face was to hers, at how his eyes stared into hers. When his gaze didn't waver she became unsure of what to do and freed herself from his embrace. She stepped back from him and straightened the material of her skirt.
He watched her face. She felt so good against his chest. It felt so natural to have her so close. His eyes couldn't leave hers. He had never seen such beautiful eyes. That olive and hazel that stared back at him made him shudder deep within. He felt her move and noticed that he was still holding her close. Her warmth penetrated through his shirt all the way to his skin and into his heart and it made him feel more comfortable than he had ever felt before and highly uncomfortable at the same time. He felt a sting when she left his arms.
"I'm sorry." She uttered under breath, struggling to keep her voice steady. Why was she feeling so unsure of herself all of a sudden?
"No harm done." He replied smiling at her.
"So this is the homestead, I guess?" It was more a statement than a question and she knew that she was just talking to talk. She just tried to bridge the overwhelming silence between them.
The silence seemed to yell at her, seemed to draw her right back into his arms. But that was the last thing her head told her to do. She collected herself and walked past him to the old homestead. When she opened the door she was thunderstruck by the amount of dust and dirt that had settled all over the room.
"I know it's really dirty." She jumped at his voice being so close to her.
She hadn't expected him to stand right behind her. So when she turned around to face him she bumped right into him once again. She immediately blushed heavily and looked up into his face. His bright blue eyes stared at her, didn't leave her face, as they had done before. She felt how she grew warm inside as she again felt his heart pounding, his eyes glued to her and his breath on her skin. This is wrong! Her mind screamed at her, made her shy away from him. You don't even know him! But her body didn't move, she couldn't react to what her head was telling her.
He followed her to the door knowing it would be a slight shock. He had abandoned the house for years now and dust must have settled everywhere. He saw her eyes widen in shock when she opened the door and saw all the dust and dirt. He felt ashamed for showing the homestead to her as it was right now. Suddenly he wished he would have done something before offering it to her. She didn't deserve to get it like this. He felt the need to apologize to her.
"I know it's really dirty."
He noticed her jump and turn around. She was moving so fast that he didn't have time to move away a little bit. She bumped right into him looking up at him with wide eyes. But she didn't shy away. She stayed in his arms and he once again could feel her warmth penetrating to his skin. His eyes fixed on her and he couldn't move his stare. He couldn't help himself but stare at her. She was so beautiful. Her eyes were shining like he had never seen eyes shine before. Stop staring at her! He couldn't. His senses weren't obeying him anymore. His eyes settled on her lips and he wanted to touch them with his own. He wanted to kiss her more than anything else at that moment. Before he knew what he was doing his lips moved down onto hers.
She felt his lips on hers. They were warm and soft. They didn't move just lay on hers. She didn't know what to do, what to thing. The only thing she knew was that she liked it. What do you think you are doing? She wasn't thinking. All she could do was feel his warm lips on hers, his hand on her arm. Why couldn't she move? Her mind produced her mother telling her that it wasn't proper to do such things. But she suppressed her thoughts. She didn't want this to stop. She wanted this so much. She closed her eyes and didn't move, wanting to prolong this feeling as long as she could.
Her lips were soft. Soft and warm and inviting. As soon as he felt his lips touch hers he got scared. He started thinking of Abagail. You're betraying her! He didn't want to think about Abagail right now. Her lips felt so good. She didn't move, neither did she react to his kiss nor did she flinch away. He wasn't sure of what to do now. Should he break the kiss or should he prolong it? He didn't want to break it, but did she want him to stay? Of course not! She doesn't want this! He broke the kiss, well if he could tell this a real kiss. He moved away a couple of inches for to look at her. Her eyes were closed and she didn't react to him. He wondered what she was thinking.
For a moment she didn't even notice that he broke the kiss. She could still feel his lips on hers. She didn't dare open her eyes. What if he stared at her again? What was he thinking? Did he even mean to kiss her? When she finally opened her eyes she found him staring at her. He didn't say anything. When she looked at him she saw a flicker of doubt in his eyes. He regrets this! She thought. Of course, he regrets this! He doesn't know you. He didn't mean to kiss you! She looked at him carefully, closely observing his every move. His eyes fluttered closed for an instant and he took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing breath. When he reopened his eyes she saw something in them she hadn't seen before. There was doubt, that was sure, but at the same time a sincerity, she was sure she would never possess. Her eyes travelled his features, from his eyes over his strong jaw to his lips. Those lips that had just touched her. She felt her own lips tingle with excitement warm again at the thought of kissing him again. Her cheeks reddened and before she knew it her head moved, pressed her lips hard against his. Her hands gripped his shirt at the sleeves, held on to them as if she would fall if she didn't.
He didn't know what to think, what to do. She pressed herself into him, her lips against his again, her hands gripping his shirt. He felt his own hands move to her waist. He couldn't control what he was doing. She felt so good. Her body fit into his as if it was supposed to be there, as if it had always been there. He slowly caressed her soft flesh with his tongue, starling her.
She felt his tongue on her lips. This is going too far! You shouldn't have done this! She couldn't stop herself, couldn't help herself softly sighing and opening up to him. She hesitated for an instant but when she opened her lips she felt his tongue invading her mouth, teasing her tongue. She liked it. This was so new, something she had never done before and she couldn't believe she was doing this with a man she barely knew. She felt him shudder and react to their closeness. For only one second the thought of shying away entered her mind. But she ignored it. She had to explore those new feelings. She was drawn to this man and she couldn't explain why. But she didn't care.
He didn't know if it was alright to go further with this, but when she let him in, granted him entrance into her hot mouth his mind went blank and his senses went into overdrive. She wanted this, she let this happen. It was okay. He slowly deepened their contact and pressed her closer to himself. His hands were still at her waist when they stumbled together into the old homestead, suddenly not caring about the dust anymore. He needed to sit down or he would fall. His knees were growing weak and he held on to her just as she held on to him. The only thing he could find to sit on was the bed in the middle of the room. She deserved better than this, she deserved her own bed, her own heaven, not this dirty little thing. But he couldn't do anything about that now. He felt her trembling and knew she needed this as much as he did.
She felt the soft material of the bed beneath her and let herself falling backwards. When her back touched the mattress she moaned and let her head fall back, granting him access to her neck. He moved his kissed down to her neck, leaving a wet trail on his way. Something stirred inside her, switched off her mind and heightened her senses. His smell made his way into his nose, made her moan slightly, when he kissed the sensitive flesh behind her ear. Her hands moved to the neckline of his shirt and found their way inside. She felt the soft hair on his chest and noticed how heavy he was breathing. Was she doing this to him?
Spurred on by her boldness, his own hands found their way up to her blouse and fumbled with the small buttons. They were so small, so small, too small. He got frustrated, unsure. He wanted to stop he couldn't go through with this. This was wrong. But she felt so good, so good, too good. He had to open his eyes wide and stare at her once more to make sure she was real. She was there, her face flushed.
She noticed that he stopped his ministrations and was looking at her once again.
"What's wrong? Did I…"
"NO. I mean…I just…" he had to stop talking, he had to catch his breath. What was he doing?
She noticed his hands on the small buttons of her blouse and the unsure look in his eyes. She moved her own hands to the buttons and opened them for her. One button, two buttons, three buttons…painfully slowly they opened. He was staring at her hands. Those small, delicate hands. He wanted to be touched by those hands, wanted to hold those hands. When all the buttons were undone she took his hands and laid them on her chest. He looked at her making sure she really wanted this. The look in her unmatched eyes told him everything he needed to know. Slowly he began to knead the soft flesh of her breasts through the material of her camisole.
"Sully…" She moaned louder now.
She couldn't believe the feeling he could evoke with such a simple touch. She never knew she could feel such pleasure. She moved her hands to his buckskins and untagged his shirt, freeing him from his restriction. When she touched the skin of his belly it jerked back but he relaxed a moment later, let her open the buttons on his buckskins. His hands made their way to her belt and loosened it enough to tug at her camisole and pull it up over her head, baring her to his scrutiny. She was perfect. He threw the camisole on the floor and touched her soft breasts. He had to touch her, he couldn't hold back any longer.
She felt his warm, rough, soft hands on her breast and her nipples react to his touch. She squirmed slightly at the pleasure this was evoking. She wanted him to release the tension in her body, she wanted him to love her, make her feel alive. She closed her eyes for a second relishing in the feelings, in the thoughts she did not have. But her eyes flew open when she felt him leave her. His hands left her body; the weight of his body was taken off her.
He was standing now, his hands fumbling with his moccasins. He had to get them off. He couldn't hold on any longer. He wanted her, right now, right here. This is Abagail's house! He shook his head. This wasn't Abagail's house any longer, she was dead. He had to live and the woman in front of him made him feel alive. He got rid of his moccasins and quickly pulled his buckskins down, baring his body to her scrutiny now.
Her eyes flew to his manhood and immediately up to his eyes. Her flushed face full of longing and desire, yet the uncertainty written all over her features.
"We can stop." He stated. She shook her head.
"No, we can't."
He knelt down to undo the laces on her shoes and take them off. Repeating the same with her stocking, he let his hands linger on her warm thighs a little longer than necessary, making her muscles clench with desire. He then moved his hands back to her belt, loosening it further and pulling the skirt down her slim legs. With only her pantaloons left her returned to her side, letting her get adjusted to their closeness, letting himself get adjusted to their closeness. Without even touching her, he had felt closer to her than to anyone before. He was scared. He didn't know what was to come afterwards. But he didn't want himself allow to think now. He only wanted to feel right now. His hands returned to her breasts, slowly kneading them, teasing her erected nipples with his thumb.
"You're beautiful." He simply said, letting her know how he felt.
She sighed, letting her hands roam over his now bare body. She explored every curve every hollow of his body. When her hands reached his backside, he pressed his body against hers, pulling her closer, letting her feel what she was doing to him.
She felt his manhood pressing against her cotton covered thigh and suddenly wanted to get rid of it. Her hands started to move to her waistband, but when he noticed what she was doing he took the job over for her. He put his hand on her lower belly to keep her down and his other hand slowly pulled the undergarment down her legs. When she was fully bared to him, he let his gaze roam over her body, groaning with delight. He couldn't help himself, but touch her slender legs, caressing her outer thigh and slowly move to a more intimate area.
Her breath quickened when his hand slipped between her thighs. She parted her legs. When he crawled in between she hid her face in the hollow of his neck, kissing the skin on his throat. He fingernails dug into his skin when he touched her for the first time. Touched her where no one else had ever touched her before. Her hips bugged of the bed and she had trouble controlling her breathing, when he caressed her, circled her core with his thumb. Her moans got louder and louder and she couldn't keep herself from whispering into his ear.
"Love me, Sully."
He felt her need for him and slowly guided himself inside. He was astonished at how tightly she fit around him. He lifted his gaze to look at her seeing her eyes shut tightly.
"You okay?" He asked quietly, not sure what to do.
The pain overcame her in a rushing wave. She hadn't expected it to be so painful. Actually she hadn't even thought about the pain before. But now it came crashing down onto her, making her gasp and shut her eyes tightly. When she heard his voice, she opened her eyes slowly, nodding not daring to speak.
He wasn't convinced that she was okay so he prepared to leave her. She noticed and pinched his skin.
"Don't go…" She whispered hoarsely.
He nodded, slowly beginning to move within her. When he had the feeling that she was getting used to feeling him inside her, he started moving faster, thrusting deeper and deeper. He had trouble holding on, but he wanted it to be a pleasurable experience for her too. So he kissed the soft flesh of her breasts closing his teeth carefully over one of her nipples. His other hands moved between them, caressed her, teased her, brought her closer to the edge.
"Sully" She cried out loud, not caring about the world around her.
She couldn't take the pressure anymore. She felt herself stretching, adjusting to his size. The pain was slowly fading and was replaced by waves of pleasure, pleasure he was evoking with his entire being. This mouth, she couldn't believe this mouth. And what his hands were doing. She felt herself come over the edge when he pressed his thumb on the bundle of nerves between her legs. Arching her back she let herself cry out once more, grunting her pleasure out and falling back onto the bed.
He felt her coming over the edge and spilled himself inside of her. She was heaven, how did she do that? He was breathing heavily and stayed inside her for a while until he found enough strength to move and lay down beside her. Neither one of them moved, neither one dared to speak of fear the other one would regret what just happened. He turned his head to look at her after a while and saw her staring at the ceiling, tears streaming down her face.
"Oh God…" He realized what he had done, what he had taken from her.
"I didn't know…I didn't think…" He stammered. She didn't respond, just stared at the ceiling without moving. When a soft sob escaped from her throat, he couldn't stand it anymore. He sat up ready to dress and go outside.
"Don't go…" She pleaded in a almost inaudible whisper.
"I didn't mean to…I'm sorry." She said, looking straight at him, her eyes full of fear.
He turned around to her and took her hand in his.
"Why are you sorry? You don't gotta be sorry for what just happened." He answered, though he was scared too.
"We don't even know each other…we shouldn't have…" She couldn't finish the sentence, her upbringing standing in her way.
He saw the pain, the fear, the doubt in her eyes. She didn't know what was going to happen. How could she have known? It was his fault, he should have realized that she had never…He suddenly felt her trembling; shaking with the tears she was shedding.
"Hey, you don't gotta cry." He said softly wiping away the tears on her cheeks.
She felt his warm touch and heard his comforting words. She felt like she could tell him everything.
"I'm scared…scared about what's going to happen…we don't even know each other…What if…" He didn't let her finish the sentence, but put his finger on her lips to silence her and lay down beside her once again.
"I'm scared too. My head tells me this is wrong, too. But in here, in here…" he paused for a moment, taking her hand and moving it to his chest where his heart lay beneath the tanned skin and warm flesh, "…my heart tells me I've known you all my life. My heart tells me this is right, this was supposed to be."
Her eyes had grown wide when he said he was scared too. Never had she thought he was scared.
"I don't know what to do now." She admitted silently, her eyes cast down to her hand lying on secure in his on his tanned chest.
"We don' gotta do anything right now. We can stay here…talk…do whatever we want." He smiled encouraging at her, letting her know everything was alright.
"But what if…" He stopped her again, this time with a kiss.
"No what if's right now. There are gonna be enough what if's later…" With that he pulled her back into his warm embrace, rocking her, caressing her.
"I will ,you know." He whispered some time later.
She looked up at him curiously. "You will what?" She asked.
"Love you."
Her eyes filled with tears, tears of happiness. She could face the What if's if he was loving her, she was certain of that.
The end