Chapter 13 – Pain
Sirius sat silently, watching Remus sleep. He himself had not had much rest. Upon returning to the dormitory last night, he hadn't been able to look either James or Peter in the eye. James, seething after his talk with Dumbledore, had stoked up his anger in anticipation of verbally pummeling Sirius as soon as he had the chance. The arrival of his best friend back in the dorm set him loose, and his bitter, angry words lacerated Sirius. James got more livid by the second as Sirius said nothing in his own defense. His spiritless demeanor made him a completely unsatisfactory target. James finally gave up, shouting, "I can't talk to you!" as he stormed off to bed.
Sirius turned to Peter, who had remained silent through James' tirade. "It's your turn, Peter."
The sandy-haired boy merely reached out and touched Sirius' arm for a second. "Get some sleep, Padfoot."
Sirius went to bed and spent the night agonizing over how the events of the past few days had gotten so far out of control. Sheer exhaustion tipped him into an uneasy sleep just before dawn, but he got no real rest from it.
He walked through his first two classes of the day like a zombie. And, now, here he sat in the Hospital in his free hour before lunch, watching Remus sleep. Remus looked paler than he usually did after a full moon. Sirius wondered about the injuries he couldn't see beneath the pajamas and the bedclothes. And he dreaded the moment those beautiful hazel eyes would open and focus on him, and the brilliant light in them would turn cold as stone.
Remus stirred. He blinked several times and looked at Sirius, his gaze sharpening, scrutinizing, as if he sought to etch every detail of that face into his brain. The silence stretched out until finally Remus said, his voice scratchy, "You look like hell."
"I…I know. And I feel like hell." He couldn't say any more. Remus was finally willing to talk to him, and now he had to admit to everything he had done wrong.
"I have something to tell you, Remus." His mouth snapped shut by itself; as if his own body rebelled against the hurt he was about to cause. Remus' expression became wary at the distress he saw in Sirius' face. Well, maybe now he'd find out about this other person. If Sirius was here to officially dump him, then fine. Remus wished he'd stop stalling and just get on with it.
Sirius twisted in his chair, his long frame suddenly all angles and corners, unable to fit comfortably, as if he'd suddenly reverted back to the gangly, awkward youth he'd been. He curled in on himself, hunched over and started talking to the floor. "I did a terrible thing last night, Remus. The worst thing I've ever done in my life. I did it because I was angry and hurt and that's no excuse, not for this, not something like this and I know you'll never forgive me and I don't deserve forgiveness because this is just so awful and I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry…I'd do anything to take it back. To stop it from happening. To go back in time and stop it but it's too late, it's…too late, it's…I'm sorry."
Alarmed, Remus struggled upright, ignoring the sharp twinges of pain in his abused joints. Sirius was disintegrating before his eyes. What could he have possibly done to cause this kind of torment?
"Sirius, this isn't about that other person, is it? The one you…the one who…" Remus flicked one hand towards Sirius in a vague acknowledgement of the marks left by the unknown's teeth.
"No, not directly," Sirius slowly shook his head. Remus winced at his words, which admitted the existence of a rival. Sirius saw it and his hands gripped the chair's wooden arms so tightly Remus wondered why they didn't splinter apart. Sirius again bowed his head, not looking at Remus. His ragged, uneven breathing was loud in the silence that had fallen, and Remus realized that Sirius was struggling not to cry.
Annoyed disbeliefflared through Remus' own distress. 'He's upset! Fucking lot of nerve, when he'sabout to tell me to shove off!'
He snapped, "For Christ's sake, Sirius, stop sniveling and just spit it out!"
Sirius flinched. It gave Remus a certain sick satisfaction to know that he could cause hurt, too.
And then Sirius crushed him. "I told Snape how to get into the Willow."
Remus was sure he'd misunderstood, as his brain tried to reject what this message meant.
Sirius drove it home like a knife between his ribs. "I told him, and then I showed him, and he went in last night. James saw what I did and pulled him out, but not before he saw you. He knows and it's my fault and I'm so sorry."
Remus was stunned. This was the last thing he expected to hear. He waited for more, something, an explanation, a quirk of the lips to indicate it was a joke. A sick joke, maybe, but a joke nonetheless. But, no, Sirius' expression didn't change. It was real. He meant it. Remus had never felt pain like this before.
"How could you…why would…Why did you do this to me?" Remus's voice rose to a shout.
Madame Pomfrey appeared at the far end of the room, sailing towards them in high dudgeon over this disturbance of her realm.
"Remus, I'm sorry, I was just so angry over everything that happened, I wasn't thinking straight any more. I would never, ever have told anyone-"
"But, you did! Damn you, Sirius, you did tell!"
"Boys! Mr. Black, you'll have to leave! Mr. Lupin, get back in bed this instance!"
"Remus, please. I-"
Remus' face was seared with pain and anger. "You bastard! You fucking bastard! Get out!"
Sirius fled.
All the residual pain from Remus' transformation shot through his exhausted body. He allowed himself to be helped back under the covers, and then curled on his side, brushing off any more attention. Madame Pomfrey's footsteps faded as she went back to her office. Remus stared at the wall, while the aches in his body subsided and his heart slowly crumbled.
He didn't understand. They had been happy, so deliriously happy through the long, golden autumn and into the dark of winter. And now, after a separation of a few weeks over the holidays, Sirius came back a different person. Remus had been braced to hear of another boyfriend; he hadn't expected Sirius to cut his legs off.
"Remus? May I speak with you?" The calm tones of Albus Dumbledore couldn't stop his heart from bleeding. But, Remus slowly rolled over to look at the Headmaster.
"Madame Pomfrey tells me that you and Sirius did not have a very fruitful conversation."
Remus didn't want to talk about Sirius. He scowled and turned his head away. "I guess it depends on what you mean by fruitful. He managed to get his point across before he left."
Dumbledore sighed. Bitterness like this was for old people wearied from a lifetime of pain. It should never come from the heart of such a young man.
"I do not normally interfere in the private lives of my students or reveal the secrets of one person to another. However, I think Sirius is so overwhelmed by what happened to him over the holidays and, especially, over the last week that he's unable to think clearly, let alone to provide you with cogent explanations. Perhaps I can shed a little more light on why he has done something so utterly unthinkable."
He settled back in the chair recently vacated by Remus' betrayer and started to talk.
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"These scarab beetles aren't ground up enough. They have to be a fine powder." James slid the mortar and pestle back to Sirius.
"Oh."
James sighed. Luckily, the Wound Disinfectant potion they were working on, while requiring precise preparation of loads of ingredients, was only moderately challenging in its execution. James had asked Lily to partner Peter, so he'd be free to partner with Sirius. James's anger had long since vanished. He was now growing more and more worried about his friend's emotional state. Sirius was completely disengaged, to the point that the instructions for preparing the potion written on the blackboard didn't register at all and he relied completely on James to tell him what to do. James had hoped to get his friend to open up about what was wrong, but Sirius had retreated behind a blank wall.
They managed to get through Potions without any mishaps. As they left the classroom to head towards Muggle Studies, James nodded at Peter. The two fell into step on either side of Sirius and, each grabbing an arm, turned and headed back to Gryffindor Tower.
Sirius jerked his arms, but couldn't shake them off. "What are you doing? We're going the wrong way!"
"We're going back to the dorms, and this is obviously the right way to get there!" James tightened his grip and moved forcefully down the corridors.
Sirius dug in his heels and tried to twist away from them. "Leave me alone! I'm not talking about what happened!"
Peter hung on tight to the arm struggling madly for release and said gravely, "We think you need to, Sirius."
James chimed in with just the right level of concern and accusation. "You owe me. You owe me an explanation."
Sirius stopped fighting at that and was silent for the rest of the walk back.
The three stood in a loose circle in the middle of their bedroom. Sirius didn't say anything for a long time. He looked past them into middle distance, not really focused on anything.
James reached out and gently gripped Sirius's shoulder. "What's happened to you?"
Sirius suddenly sat on the edge of the nearest bed. His legs had simply given out, as had his heart and whatever inner strength that used to sustain him. He was just too tired to put up any more resistance. Like a punch to the stomach he realized how pleased his parents would be, that they'd finally broken him.
Speaking in a quiet, uninflected voice, Sirius related the events of his holidays and what had happened at school as quickly as he could get through it. He couldn't bring himself to at look them while he spoke. He didn't want to see shock or anger or revulsion. He had too much of his own to deal with; he couldn't carry anyone else's. When he finished, there was total silence.
Until finally James burst out, "You don't have to go back there! Ever! You can stay at my house when we're not in school. My parents won't mind. You know they love you."
James bit his lip, realizing that perhaps speaking of parents and love in the same breath was not going to make Sirius feel any better. Peter jumped in. "Yeah, and you know you're always welcome at my house. When James drives you mad, just tell him to go stuff himself and Floo over to my house."
For the first time in days, the ghost of a smile appeared on Sirius's lips. "Thank you."
It flickered out in the next second as Sirius said," But, Remus- He'll never trust me again. He'll never forgive me. I keep going over it again and again in my mind and I don't understand how I could have done it. I don't know…"
Bracingly, James said, "Look, mate. He's hurt and angry with you now. But, that'll pass. I know it will. You two are so good together. It can't simply end, can it?"
Sirius lurched to his feet and walked to the window. "Yes, it can."
The other boys exchanged a look and followed Sirius to stand on either side of him. "Sirius, it'll take some time, for sure, but-"
"Don't!" Sirius broke into Peter's words. "Just don't. I appreciate that you're both trying to help, but right now I need to think about this. By myself." He leaned his elbows on the sill, shutting them out. James glanced at Peter and shrugged. They left.
When he heard their footsteps fade and the sound of the door closing, Sirius wearily rested his forehead against the cold glass. His thoughts flashed pictures in his mind. Snape's eyes, burning like coals. Remus's face crumpling with the pain he had caused. His father's vicious smile. Groot's crooked teeth and lumpy body. He shuddered to remember the touch of that flesh and how he had burned and begged to receive it.
The tears Sirius had smothered for days on end burst out of him and did nothing at all to ease the hollow ache in his heart. Nothing, no one could help him with that. He wept for a long time, standing alone by the window. More than anything he wanted comfort, but knew he didn't deserve it.
He didn't hear the door open, but the click of its closing sounded loud in the room. Sirius stood absolutely still, choking back his tears, willing James or Peter to just go away and leave him alone again.
Footsteps approached behind him. And Remus's quiet voice floated over his shoulder. "I need to talk to you, Sirius."
Sirius straightened up and stood rigidly still, desperately trying to get a grip on his emotions. He nodded once, and mumbled, "Okay."
"Dumbledore came and told me what happened. I've thought about it all afternoon. I want you to know that I can understand, at least a little, why it happened. Why you told Snape." He paused, his eyes raking up and down Sirius's still form, noticing the unnaturally stiff posture.
"But, I'm still angry. I'm angry with you. And, I'm angry with me, too, that I wouldn't let you explain. Maybe if I had, things would have turned out differently." He fell silent. Sirius knew he should say something, but he didn't trust his voice not to betray him.
Remus's soft voice continued. "Sirius, I'll never, ever forget what you did to me. But, I can also forgive you, because I can't simply rip all the feelings I have for you--You know, this would be a lot easier if I could see your face while I talk to you. Please turn around."
Remus saw Sirius raise his hands quickly to his face. They dropped to his sides and he slowly turned, as if facing an executioner. Remus saw the damp patches high on the front of Sirius' robe. He saw the long, thick eyelashes clumped together with moisture. The fine skin at the corners of those beautiful, haunted eyes glistened with the remains of the tears that Sirius had not quite wiped away.
Remus's cool resolve cracked. Slowly he stepped closer. He reached out and ran his thumbs over the wet skin, murmuring, "You missed a spot." Gently, he brushed the tears away, but more followed, running over his fingers and onto his hands and, finally into his shoulder as he pulled Sirius close and held him tight while he wept once more. Sirius's arms locked around his body and Remus felt suddenly that no power could pull them apart, if they both stood firm.
With a deep, shuddering sigh, Sirius finally relaxed his hold somewhat and raised his head from Remus's now soggy shoulder. "I'm sorry. I know you weren't finished with everything you wanted to say to me."
"Yeah. Well, can we sit down? I'm still kind of tired."
"Oh, sorry. Of course. I'm not thinking clearly-"
"And stop beginning everything you say with an apology," Remus chided gently.
"Sorry. I mean, okay, I'll try to stop, but, God, Remus this is so hard. It's all so tangled up and confused and…and out of control."
Remus walked over to Sirius's bed and proceeded to gather up the pillows and add them to the pile on his own bed. Once he had created a soft mound against the headboard, he stretched out, reclining against it with a sigh. He patted the mattress and Sirius sat gingerly next to him.
"When's the last time you got any real sleep, Paddy?"
Sirius glanced at him, not quite daring to accept Remus had called him that. Not quite ready to believe that Remus still loved him. But, although the face in front of him was weary from the depredations of the full moon and from the emotional turmoil he himself had caused, there was also gentle affection in the hazel eyes. And concern at what he saw in Sirius's face.
"Friday night. I've only caught snatches of sleep since then. I look that bad, huh?"
"You look like something the cat couldn't bear to drag in."
A small silence fell, and Sirius wanted to say something, anything to prevent this fragile bridge between them from falling apart. But, it was Remus who tentatively moved to the next subject. "I'm sorry I wouldn't let you explain things yesterday morning. It would probably have saved us all a lot of pain. But, why didn't you tell me what happened when we were at the station or on the train, or later, when we got back here? I knew something was wrong. I could see it in your face. Why wouldn't you talk to me?"
There was nothing for it but to tell everything. It was the only way to rid himself of the lingering effects of the poisoned brew his parents had fed him, the rancid emotions into which they had plunged him.
"I knew you'd ask about the potion. And I didn't want to tell you what it was like or what I did after I drank it."
"You didn't know they gave it to you. It's not your fault for whatever happened later."
"Yeah, maybe. There was a small part of me, the real me, at the back of my mind. And I was screaming. Screaming at them for what they'd done to me. And screaming at myself, the big part of me that didn't care, that didn't see it, that only wanted to be fucked by that disgusting, slobbering pig."
Sirius's voice broke. Hands clenched into fists, his whole body vibrated with suppressed emotion. But, Remus hardly noticed. His gaze was riveted on Sirius's face, which was awash with a self-loathing so stark it seemed stamped into his bones. "I wouldn't listen to myself, Remus, because I wanted him so bad. I did whatever he wanted as soon as he snapped his fingers. When he told me to get on my knees, I flung myself on the floor. When he wanted me face down on the bed with my arse raised up for him, I scrambled to get in position. When he wanted me to beg for it, plead and moan and beg him to fuck me, I did it. Because I wanted to. I wanted him and that's all that mattered. Not that my parents had drugged me. Not that I was betraying you. My whole world centered on doing whatever he demanded so that he'd reward me with his cock. I was completely his, his property. It wouldn't have mattered if I knew then that I'd been sold. I wouldn't have cared. I acted like his whore. And I liked doing it."
Remus had leaned forward halfway through this recitation, wanting to interrupt again to say that it wasn't Sirius's fault. He hated seeing that handsome face twisted with such self-revulsion. But, he knew it was better to let Sirius talk. And there was something in the bitter words that struck a chord.
As soon as Sirius fell silent, Remus started speaking. "You felt like the real you was trapped in your mind?"
"Yes," Sirius whispered, his shame preventing him from looking at Remus. Now Remus would see how despicable he was. He couldn't possible want anything to do with him after this.
"And, the real Sirius had been stripped of his power to control anything - his own thoughts, his own feelings, even his own body?"
"Yes."
"All you could do was watch and scream while your control was wrested from you and given over to something else?"
"Yes."
"Well, now you have a better idea of what it's like to be a werewolf." Remus settled back onto his pillows. "Every time I transform, there is still a small part of me, the human me, that struggles to regain control from the wolf. That's the part that knows I'm a monster and knows the monster has more strength than I do. I know I can't win. I can see and feel what's happening, and there isn't a thing I can do to change it."
"There's a big difference, Remus."
"What's that?"
"You've never wanted to be a monster. I gloried in it."
Remus shook his head. "No, you didn't. Not the real Sirius. The real you was horrified. But some things are stronger than we are. Why do you think love potions are so closely regulated? Sirius, it was not your fault!"
They lapsed into silence, Sirius staring into space, Remus staring at Sirius's profile. He decided to broach one more subject. "Dumbledore hinted that he thinks he'll be able to ensure your parents won't take you out of Hogwarts."
Sirius nodded. "Yeah, that's what he told me. I'm supposed to see him tomorrow to go over the options on how to handle this. Since I'll be seventeen soon, legally they won't be able to force me to come home. Although, maybe 'home' isn't the right word for that place."
Remus shifted sideways to create more space next to him. Reaching out with one arm he whispered, "Come here." Sirius looked at him, his eyes full of questions and a fragile hope. Remus's upraised hand steadily beckoned and finally, Sirius surrendered to its command and curled next to Remus, snaking his arms around the slender waist, pillowing his head on Remus's shoulder. The tenderness of Remus's fingers slowly carding through his hair or stroking up and down his back soothed and comforted like no other touch in the world. It was the last thing Sirius was conscious of before he fell asleep.
There was a quiet tap at the bedroom door. Remus ignored it. The door opened slowly to admit James and Peter. Remus put a finger to his lips. They nodded and smiled, taking the sight of the two entwined on the bed. James started to make exaggerated gestures in a grotesque pantomime that had something to do with putting sticks into large round things and then putting something from the round things into his pockets. He had Remus completely befuddled until Peter scooped a piece of parchment out of his bag, and scrawled on it 'Should we bring some food back for you?'
Remus smiled and nodded, mouthing, 'Thank you.'
James glared ruefully at Peter for neatly putting an end to his arm-waving theatrics. Then he shrugged at Remus, and the two left for dinner. Remus closed his eyes, wondering where he and Sirius would be in one, two or five years. Would they still be together? Would they be able to trust completely in one another again? Would this whole experience make them stronger? Remus fervently hoped so. He settled his arms around the relaxed body of his sleeping lover, holding him close, letting his mind wander in the darkening room.
A/N : One more chapter to go…