Sun and Moon
Chapter Two: Free Prostitutes Don't Eat Hot Dogs
"You have got to be kidding me!" Kuwabara's exclamation rang through the alcohol-scented air in Yusuke's run down condo.
The four tantei were in various positions around the Spirit Detective's messy bedroom. Kurama was at the boy's unmade bed, subtlety sidestepping the teenager's dirty underwear; Hiei was glaring (not staring, glaring) into space, leaning up against the windowsill, radiating his usual message, although this one was a little tweaked: I hate all half-breeds and ningens was the gist of it; Kuwabara was sitting in a five-person circle that had formed in the middle of Yusuke's room, after moving many questionable things aside.
"Mm-hm. Pretty odd, isn't it?" Mai's comment was casual, as though she was simply discussing the spring fashion (even then she probably would have been more urgent.) She was sitting in such a place that her back was to a large mound of what appeared to be dirt but was actually very dirty clothes. Her blue-eyed stare gravitated toward a single sock at the pile's bottom. With a disgusted look, she pointed it out to Yusuke. "Is that sanitary?"
Yusuke stroked his chin thoughtfully and reached over, grabbing the sock. He was careful to grab a portion of it that was free of mold, which did not leave much to hold. He then sniffed the drug... er... sock deeply and sighed contentedly. He set it on his desk gently, moving a paper aside to make room for it.
"A little longer, I think." The others, meanwhile, watched him with mixed expressions. Some were amused, some disgusted, and some were a mixture of both. Rai, sitting in-between Mai and Kei, looked as though she didn't know whether to laugh or regurgitate and her face had blanched. Yusuke smiled at Mai, both with his eyes and his mouth, but she only responded with a deeply disgusted look. Kei, looking very uncomfortable, cleared her throat. All pairs of eyes in the room, save Mai's, were on her. The thin girl seemed to blush with the attention.
"Um... So can you help us? Please?" Her sky blue eyes were so pitiful that it was hard to resist. However, Hiei managed to do so.
"What will we get if we help?" He asked, gamely staring at Kei, who withered like grapes under the sun. Mai picked up for her, although in a rather different way.
"Well, besides the pleasure of our company, you might just get company in bed, if you know what I mean." She winked wickedly, and Rai sighed. The boys' eyes widened.
"No, Mai, you're wrong. Just because you're a free prostitute-"
"Isn't that a slut?"
"Yeah, it is, isn't it? I guess you would know."
"Hey! I resent that."
"Really?"
"No. I just wanted to tell them myself."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Yep."
"Mm-h-"
"Shut up!" Yusuke yelled at the two before they could continue any further. They stopped, although Mai shot him a very dirty look.
"Well, anyways, can you help us out?" Kei's pleading voice was very quiet compared to her comrades'.
"You should. It would be very rewarding," Mai added with a wink. Kuwabara mouthed the words 'free prostitute' and gaped open-mouthed at the half-breed. Yusuke shook his head at his orange-haired friend.
"What good could we do in your search?" Kurama queried. Rai, Mai, and Kei thought. Rai was able to cut Mai off before she said something lewd.
"Well, you four are famous in the Makai. I don't even think there's a demon who hasn't heard of you."
"Meaning what...?" Hiei implored impatiently.
"Status is useful, right? Right. So you can get inside information. I mean, there must be some demon out there that doesn't hate you..."
"One, answering your own questions is a sign of insanity. Two, you're wrong. We can't help you. Now be on your merry way and leave us the fuck alone."
"Geez, sorry for breathing..."
"I'm sorry you do, too."
"Huh?"
Hiei sighed exasperatedly. "Never mind, baka onna."
"Hiei, maybe you should give it a try?" Kurama's plea seemed to register with Hiei.
"Hn." Hiei gave no promises. Kurama continued, but this time spoke to Yusuke and Kuwabara.
"Well, we should recap on what we know, right, Kei?" Said girl nodded her platinum blonde head.
"By going over known information, a solution can be found easier. It's a basic principle of undercover work, or any type of work for that matter."
"Smart-ass," Mai muttered rather loudly, then attempted to look innocent when five pairs of eyes flew to her. Kei chose to ignore her friend, knowing that she liked the attention. She motioned for Kurama to continue with his plan.
"Well, we know the basics, that is, we know this: these four are the fabled Division X of the RSDF (1) and are all half-breeds hired by Koenma for their adeptness at Reiki. Apparently while on their current reconnaissance mission they were ambushed by anonymous yet powerful demons, and one of the four was taken hostage. And here we are now, after meeting by coincidence while we, the Reikai Tantei, were on border patrol."
"This is really odd." Kuwabara said rather unnecessarily. Yusuke socked him roughly, then turned in the other direction and failed spectacularly at looking innocent. "So... you guys want help to rescue your friend?"
"That's what we've been saying over the past-" Mai interrupted herself to look at the small clock on Yusuke's wall. "Thirty minutes, you idiot!"
"Oh."
There was an awkward silence.
Suddenly, it was broken by Mai who screeched at the top of her lungs. The others, even Hiei, were visibly startled and gave her a generous amount of room as she began to run around in circles, clutching a flimsy magazine in one hand and waving it about like a banner.
"PORNO!" She yelled loudly. Yusuke glanced down the hall nervously and heard Atsuko's snoring. He had one less worry. As he reentered, he "accidentally" tripped Mai, who fell with a strangled gasp. The blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl was center stage as she picked herself up, brushed herself off, cleared her throat, and took off in her pattern once more, kicking the pile of dirty clothing in the process; the garments flew everywhere, and landed in the most unfortunate places available. Most of it, however, flew atop Hiei's spiky head.
He pushed the clothing away, glowered at the girl and caught her mid-run, grabbing her so hard that the blood flow ceased in her arm.
"CHILD ABUSE!" She screeched, and continued doing so until Hiei put a hand to her mouth and a sword to her throat.
"Shut. Up." His voice was venomous, and even Mai had enough sense to know to stop. She immediately shut up and sat quietly. A second later, she seemed to realize that she still held the magazine; she threw it with an inhuman (wink wink) force at the window, which it shattered; there was a rustle of paper as it landed, quite unscathed, on the grass. Yes, a magazine shattered the window and came out unscathed. Mai's just special like that.
Again, that pesky silence rose. Kurama looked at Hiei, who looked at Yusuke, who looked at Mai, who looked at Rai, who looked at Kei, who was looking at Kuwabara in utter bewilderment as he mouthed 'free prostitute', despite the fact that that conversation had happened long ago(2).
Suddenly, the tense air broke as a ring tone to the tune of "Star Wars" ricocheted through the stale air. Kuwabara began frantically searching his pockets, desperately searching for a pocket, in which he hoped to find a ringing cell phone. Yusuke rolled his eyes.
"You don't have a cell phone, you dolt!"
He blinked. "Oh, yeah."
The others sweatdropped, save Kei, who instead reached into her jeans' pocket and pulled out a rather small cell phone. She flipped it open gracefully, smiling as Kuwabara gaped as her. Before she answered, she mouthed to him, 'I just wanted to see the reaction. It was quite amusing, really.'
"Hello? Oh, Koenma-san!" She paused and made a dire face to those around her. "What? Yes, I was listening; my phone has just been a little off. Yes, I know it's a company phone. No, I'm not insulting you. No sir, I'm not insinuating anything that I shouldn't be."
There was a pause and Koenma's ranting could be heard outside of the mobile phone.
"Well, sir, my definition is the same as yours. No, sir, I'm not being sassy."
Pause. Angry ranting.
"Sir, I did not cause you to go off track, but I'm deeply sorry that you did divert. It happens to the best of us."
Pause. More ranting.
"No, I'm not trying to be psychological, I'm just naturally understanding. Sir, weren't you getting to something of consequence before you were cut off?"
Pause, this time a longer one with less ranting and more logical talking, hard as that is to imagine with Koenma.
"The mission? Well, yes, we've been trying our hardest, but we've had to slow our efforts as of late, due to a little problem with Kai."
Pause, this one more exasperated than the others.
"Well, yes, Koenma-san, she does have many problems, but this is different."
Yet another pause and more rambling.
"No, it's not the mental hospital, sir. They wouldn't take her, remember? She was too crazy even for them. I mean really, insanity and dominion over fire do not mix!"
Pause and rambling with a derogatory sound to it.
"No, sir, I'm not trying to distract you. And I resent that comment; after all, I too am a half-breed. What? Well, yes, I have my moments, I admit... Sir! We really must stick to our topic, you know!"
Longer pause than usual. Kei gasped, horrified.
"Koenma-san! We can't do that! For one thing, it's wrong. For another, Kai is physically unable right now. She has a fever and everything!"
Mai and Rai rolled their eyes in unison, pulled a chessboard that had previously not existed out from under Yusuke's desk, and began to play an epic game. The tantei set off to their own activities. And Kei argued on the phone with Koenma.
Twenty long, uneventful minutes later, Mai had won the chess game, Yusuke and Kuwabara had as good as broken each other's arms with games like bloody knuckles and arm wrestling, Hiei and Kurama had nearly killed each other sparring, and Kei had finally finished deliberation with a stubborn son of an Enma.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," She began when she had called everyone over to her. "But first... No offense, Yusuke, but can we relocate? This place totally reeks."
And so, five minutes later, the seven were at the local park, a rather pretty place, save the graffiti in abundance.
"So... Good news or bad news?"
"Bad!" Yusuke and Mai called out in unison.
"Good!" Kuwabara and Rai called out, also in unison.
"Ugly!" Hiei added, just to spite Kuwabara. The spiky-haired pyromaniac smiled wickedly as Kuwabara shook his bruised fist at the demon.
"Just tell us, Kei. It doesn't matter which." Kurama was acting, of course, as mediator. Kei followed his instruction, rather than that of the others. A rather wise decision, on the whole.
"Well, good news is that Koenma is willing to revoke our mission, due to Kai's illness, which will give us ample time to locate her."
"And the bad news..." Mai implored.
"It's a GIRL NICKEL!" Kei suddenly began to laugh hysterically, running around in circles, eventually tripping over a leaf; she lifted herself up and immediately regained her composure. Continuing on her train of thought, she acted as though nothing had happened. The others sweatdropped. "We all know Koenma, and we all know that he is rarely so selfless, so... he wants proof."
"Proof?" Rai repeated, dumbfounded, forgetting the laughter she had from Kei's earlier lapse in conscious thought. Mai was of course laughing her blonde head off, rolling on the ground. Her little adventure culminated in her banging her head against a cement wall graffitied with, appropriately enough, the words I ain't no fule! All of this, however, was ignored.
"Yup. Proof of Kai's illness. And he wants us the report our findings thus far. And, as Mai and Kai usually report, this is a golden opportunity to prove Kai's sickness."
"One problem with that plan, half-breed," Hiei drawled from his seat in the above tree; Kei bristled at the implied insult. "Your precious Kai has been kidnapped."
"Yes, well, I hadn't yet perfected my plan," She responded, looking embarrassed. She then clapped her hands as a preschool teacher who was eager to teach her noisy, bratty students would. Sadly, Kei wasn't being paid. "So... Any ideas?"
"It's simple," Yusuke's comment was directed toward Kei, but his eyes were following a familiar stranger walking around the park. "You find a replacement." The girl's short brown hair swayed across her shoulders, her blue school outfit matching its course. Her hazel eyes were suspicious of the area, but they carried warmth as she thought of her devoted boyfriend, who was, in fact, watching her as she walked...
Koenma strode angrily around his office, muttering under his breath and glancing at his watch every few seconds. He also took the time to glower at his immense stacks of paper, and curse the skies above. Suddenly, the door to his office flew open with a bang, colliding so hard with the wall that it nearly collapsed. The toddler-like prince turned sharply to the door, but saw no one.
"Hell-o!" Mai screeched from behind him, smiling widely. "Rhymes with jell-o!"
The prince of Reikai jumped with a start and was immediately tripped by the crafty half-breed with the large purple lump on her head, who laughed callously.
"Mai!" Koenma yelled exasperatedly, pushing himself up. Once he was upright again, he noticed a scarf-wrapped girl behind Mai and narrowed his eyes. "What's with the headgear, Kai?"
"She's got the flu, Chibi-san. She was too cold to come without it. We told you she was sick, but..."
"That's no proof! And don't call me Chibi-san!"
"Fine. Well, anyways, we're here to report, although Kai shall not be talking today, as her throat would not permit it."
"I'd wondered why she hadn't said anything sarcastic yet."
"Yes, well, on to the report?"
"Yes. Now stop stalling."
Mai saluted him insolently. "Yes, ma'am, Chibi-sama!"
Koenma glared at her but bit his tongue; one never knew with Mai.
"Well, we've had fairly good luck so far. We were able to infiltrate their hideout and gain access to their files, but had to get away, as I accidentally set off their alarms." Koenma snorted.
"Well, I suggest you be more careful next time."
"Yes, ma'am, Chibi-sensei."
"I'm not your sensei."
"Thank God!"
Koenma again shot her a glare, but she brushed it off.
"As I was saying, we had to make a hasty escape, and not soon after, Kai fell dangerously ill. Don't worry, though-"
"I didn't." Mai pretended she didn't hear this.
"We've got her past the bad stages. She's in remission, but she's still hecka tired. Not at all fit for missions!"
"Well, then, you three'll have to pick up the slack. This is a vital mission and I cannot let it drop."
"But... Can't the other units do it?"
"No buts, you insolent half-breed!" That and the fact that the other units haven't been responding for months...
"Yes, Chibi-sama."
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"
"Fine! You're now Chibi-CHAN (3)! Happy now?"
A vein popped on Koenma's hat-covered forehead. Keiko frowned underneath her scarf.
"Fine! Whatever! Get out! And you, Kai, don't you say anything sarcastic!" He stared at Keiko, who shuddered and looked away, trying to resist the temptation to stare right back, lest her eyes give her away.
"Of course she won't say anything, baka Chibi! She's sick!" Mai seemed to immensely enjoy torturing Koenma. He, however, did not enjoy it.
"Get out! Your mission is most definitely not aborted, and I won't change my mind! Now leave!" He gestured frantically toward the door, knocking over one of his large stacks of paper in the process. As he fumed, the two went out, Mai yelling back, "Ja mata ne, Chibi-chan!"
"Bastard," Mai said idly, now back in the park with the others, watching the sunset. Hiei, Kurama, Kuwabara, and Yusuke were busying figuring their options. The remaining two were reading; Kei had open a randomly-placed Harry Potter book, and Rai had a volume of manga open.
"What'll we do? We can't take the mission off..." Rai began apprehensively, looking up from the violently-graphitized pages. She and Kei traded a nervous glance, then looked to Mai, who shrugged, although she was clearly worried.
Eventually, they did come up with a plan, without the help of Mai, Kei, or Rai, despite the fact that it was their problem. Mai and Rai were arguing over some ridiculous and random issue while Kei looked on in interest, laughing hysterically at certain things. Kurama, after losing a round of ro-sham-bo, took the chance to approach the three maniac half-breeds.
"Your mom eats hot dogs!" Rai was shouting with feigned anger.
"Well, your dog eats hot dogs! It's a cannibal!" Mai shouted back.
"You eat hot dogs, you free prostitute!"
"I suck hot dogs, you baka! Free prostitutes don't eat hot dogs!"
"Your mom!"
"Your mom likes frijoles!"
"Cold frijoles!"
"Your mom makes cold frijoles!"
"Actually, she does..."
"Well..." Mai paused to think, then yelled rather unoriginally, "You eat hot dogs!"
"Do not! I'm a vegetarian, idiot! You eat hot dogs!"
"Well, yes, but a rather different kind..."
"Gross! You free prostitute!"
"I thought we'd established that!"
"Oh, yeah..."
"Your face says yeah!"
"Your mom's a ningen!"
"So's yours."
Silence from Rai.
"Ah! I win!"
"That's very nice but," Kurama popped up behind the two half-breeds. They jumped, startled. Kei laughed raucously from the sidelines. Mai glared at her, and she smiled apologetically.
"Couldn't resist." Rai waved her off and turned to Kurama.
"What's up?"
"We have a plan."
A few days passed, with the RSDF-X doing minor, Ningenkai-based missions. And despite the growing bond between the half-breeds and the Tantei, Rai suffered the most, it seemed to her two comrades. And now, she was dreaming. Well, 'dreaming' isn't the right word for it. More like 'nightmare-ing.'
It was dark, infinitely dark. Rai felt herself shiver. She accessed her ability (shapeshifting), morphed herself into a cat, and walked along the dark corridor. As a cat, she could see much better than before, and saw that she was walking on a linoleum floor of the darkest onyx; her paws felt colder with each step, but she endured.
Suddenly, a loud scream chorused through the hall, literally shattering the atmosphere; the darkness broke into thousands of little shards and out of reflex, Rai changed back into her original form. A particularly sharp shard cut her shallowly across one cheek. When she looked up, her surroundings had changed completely.
She was now in a dungeon-type place, walls of stone on each side, permitting her only one direction if she were to escape: forward. She began along the impossibly long hallway that lay before her and after a few feet, realized that she had to run.
"Damn P.E.," She muttered under her breath and began a fast jog. As Rai progressed, the hall seemed to lengthen, and after about ten minutes of this tedious routine, Rai began a full-out run, tapping even into her demonic powers, borrowing speed from a cheetah. She shortly found herself colliding rather painfully into a steel door with a single golden plaque, the only door in the entire area. Slightly disoriented, the half-breed backed up and read the plaque. She gasped at its words.
In bold, black writing it proclaimed:
Kaisa Tsukiwa
Max. Security Prisoner -- Very Dangerous!
Rai began to look for a handle, but the door opened at her touch.
The dark-haired, dark-eyed half-breed warily entered the room. It was entirely like the first area, with one major difference. In the middle of the room there was a single beam of light, isolating a rather eerie looking straight-backed chair. On the arm rests were not poised cushions, but shackles; shackles also adorned the legs of the chair. A helmet loomed above the chair, and it was fit snugly atop a head full of unusually ruffled brown-black hair.
Rai dared to step closer to the bright spot, trying very desperately to rebuke her suspicions. However, she was met with disappointment.
There was a fairly skinny girl sitting in the chair, dark messy hair fraying underneath the helmet. Her head was downturned, but she wasn't sleeping. Bespectacled turquoise eyes sparkled with a defiance that shone gold around her irises and messily done eyebrows were knit in anger. Her pale skin had tear stains besmirching the pink cheeks and her slight Jew nose was upturned in a definite expression of superiority. Her blonde bangs, done in two slim braids, fell outward from her face, dripping sweat onto the floor with an eerily soft plip-plop sound.
Her clothing was absolutely thrashed. Her top was no longer a top; it was now shreds of black fabric on the floor. Her jeans, although torn in many places, were still on her firm legs. Her entire upper body was exposed, save her breasts, for her bra had remained intact. There was very slight, almost unnoticeable scarring on the girl's shoulders and one rather faded scar on her toned stomach could be seen quite easily.
Kaisa Tsukiwa, known to her fellow half-breeds in Division X as Kai, lifted her head and spit derisively on the ground. She had been known as the arrogant beauty for a reason, and her fiery spirit had not died. It was definitely an act of faith that gave her powers of fire... Rai thought as she felt herself begin to fade back into consciousness.
Kai's saliva landed at the feet of a silhouetted figure to her side, a demoness who laughed bitterly at the girl's helplessness. Rai gave an anguished whisper as she saw her best friend in pain as she disappeared from the world of dreams entirely.
Rai awoke with a start, drenched in sweat, eyes wide in fear. She then lay back down, calming herself. It was only a dream, she thought, cajoling her rapidly-beating heart. It's not real. Please, don't let it be real!
The half-breed raised her hand to wipe her eyes and felt blood as she grazed her cheek. She raced to the bathroom and, sure enough, saw a clean, rather recent cut upon her cheek; it was, in fact, still bleeding.
"Kei! Mai!" She yelled as she sprinted down the hall of Kurama's house, where the three half-breeds had decided to stay for the night, and looked for her comrades.
A/N: You like? This was one of the longer, more humorous chapters I've written, regardless of story. I have to say, though, I did not come up with it all on my own. The part where Mai and Rai traded momma jokes took a line from The House on Mango Street ("Cold frijoles!" which actually means "cold beans"), the worst, most boring book in the world. This whole chapter was heavily influence by Shadow Jaganshi's writing, of which I am a huge fan. I suggest you all read her stories. They're absolutely sidesplitting with humor.
1. The RSDF stands for the Reikai Special Defense Force. I'm not sure if that's really in the show or not... I think it is, but I'm not positive... Well, anyway, it exists now. Basically, it's Koenma's military. And yes, the Reikai tentai does do border patrol!
2. Isn't that funny how when someone looks at someone else, the other person looks away to another person? I just thought that was pretty odd, and felt the need to tell you all.
3. Just a bit of Japanese there... "Chan" is like a title, as is "Sama," "San," and "Sensei." "Chibi" means something like children. "San" is formal, but not too formal, like with friends; "Sama" is used with older people and is more formal than "San"; "Sensei" is a teacher or deeply respected adult. "Chan" is the opposite; it's like saying, "You're such a cute baby!" Now do you get why Koenma was so mad when he talked to Mai? Weird though, I think "Chan" is also the female equivalent of "Kun," which is, like, what you would call a respected classmate, or for that matter, your crush. Like, has anyone seen Naruto? I saw the Japanese one (w/subs) and Sakura was all like, "Sasuke-kun!" in this Asian voice. It was great! What? Oh yeah, the story...