Love Bad Porn Movie
--
Voldemort took a pencil out of his robe pocket. He let it drop to the floor.
"Opps," said Voldemort saucily.
Harry bent over to pick up the pencil while Voldemort admired the view.
"I believe this is yours," said Harry saucily.
"Yes, thank you, oh Harry. I'd almost forgotten, when we took you from your relatives's house, there was a package for you in the kitchen that a Death Eater remembered to grab."
"A 'package'?" said Harry, "was it a large, hot, throbbing package?"
"No, not really," Voldemort replied, "it was actually quite thin and kind of eggplant-shaped."
Harry raised a saucy eyebrow. Voldemort pulled the eggplant-shaped package out of his robe pocket (they were some of those magically expanding things) and handed it to Harry. Harry examined it. True, it had his name on it, but he had never seen it before, why hadn't the Dursleys shared with him this? Was it important?
"So, Harry Potter- or, should I call you Sexy Potter...?" Voldemort began.
But Harry was no longer listening, he had opened the package and a scrapebook of random, stalkerish photos and news stories fell out. There was one of Harry as a baby with his parents, some press clippings of Voldemort's terror, photos of Harry with his friends and one of Ginny.
Voldemort had made his way over to the bed while Harry stared at the scrapebook.
"Sexy Potter, I'm getting cold over here, what's taking so long?"
"I-I think I need to rethink this," Harry said without a hint of sauciness.
He ran from the room with scrapebook in hand. Dramatic music played in his head while his heart was torn, valve from valve at the prospect of hot, jungle sex with his enemy.
He ran to the highest tower of Voldemort Castle. The rain poured in pounding sheets and lightning flashed somewhere in the background, but Harry was far too upset and emo-licious to care that he was in the highest tower of Voldemort Castle during a lightning storm. He was torn! He was confused! He needed guidance!
"Wah!" Harry cried, "I'm so confused! On the one hand, Voldemort is smart, funny, dead sexy and seems like the perfect top. But on the other hand, Voldemort is a geriatric mass murderer who ruined my life and may or may not be shaped like an eggplant. Wah!" he howled.
Harry opened the scrapebook to one of the news stories.
HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED SEEN SWIMMING NAKED
You-Know-Who was spotted bathed in the nude in the Irish Sea. While at first thought to be a large codfish, it was later confirmed by the presence of 'LV' monnagramed robes at the site, it was indeed You-Know-Who taking the dip.
Ministry aurors were dispatched to the scene and managed to retrieve the robes. You-Know-Who was seen scampering nude into the brush to evade capture.
Ministry auror Ken Munchkin, 42, was part of the attempt, "we tried to get him but he was faster than we thought. He just got his wand and ran off, not bothering to get his trousers or anything. I wish he had. The image in burned in my memory now. How does it even get to be shaped like an eggplant? Looked like some kind of botched enlargement charm."
The robes recovered were a 32-long.
"Why did I just read that?" Harry wondered aloud, "it didn't answer any of my questions."
Now, instead he flipped to another page in the scrape book. It was the picture of Ginny Weasley. Harry stared at it as the rain grew stronger.
The picture was new, probably from the previous year. Ginny's photographic self stalked miserably and bit her lip as she got more and more soaked from the rain. She appeared to have been in the middle of a breakout when the photo was taken and desperately needed to have plucked her eyebrows. Her lips were dry too, Harry noted. There was a faint mustache (quite an accomplishment for a red head) but her upperlip way puffy nonetheless, as though she had attempted to wax it off but had failed.
Her now-wet shirt was going see through and Harry could tell she wasn't quite even underneath it. It rode up and her kilt dug into her hips, Harry had never before noticed her spare tire. One of her knee socks had fallen down, the other had a hole in it and a name tag with 'Bill' written in large letters. Not only that, but her knees were knobbier than Harry remembered too.
"Yeargh! Not quite as pretty as I remember," Harry said.
Photo-Ginny sighed and somewhere real-Ginny died a little on the inside.
"Harry! Oh Harry! Where are you? Are you up here? Harry, oh Harry!" Voldemort said breathlessly through the rain as he burst onto the tower.
"I'm here," Harry said, his shirt tore open in the wind.
"Oh Harry! Thank heavens! But what's the matter? Is it something I did?"
"No, Voldemort," Harry yelled over the rain, "it's not you! I've just got a lot of issues I need to work out right now, that's all!"
"What are they? We can work them out together!"
Voldemort took Harry by the shoulder and whirled him around.
"It's just... you killed my parents and my Godfather and a guy who was vaguely important during my fourth year. And you've always seemed like such a bad guy in the past."
Voldemort raised Harry's chin with his finger.
"But the past is the past, and tomorrow's a present, that's why we call it today."
For some reason, those words made sense to Harry. Suddenly Voldemort was sexy again and all he wanted to do was pull on a pair of rocketpants and fly far away where they weren't governed by what's 'right' and 'wrong' and 'so perverse it makes you want to scratch your eyes out.'
"You're right! You're right! I'm so sorry Voldemort! I didn't mean to run! All I want to do is make sweet love with you!" Harry called over the driving rain, "take me! Right here! Right now! Teach me the ways of the evil flesh!" he yelled while rubbing his body against Voldemort's.
Voldemort smiled saucily, "...Say, Harry, do you like the taste of eggplant?"
--
Severus Snape was meeting with Professor Dumbledore in Hogwarts, he squirmed as his Dark Mark tingled on his arm. This could mean only one thing. But Severus had to keep his mind on other things, Albus was talking to him about important matters.
"...And that's how I surivived!" Albus concluded his story. Remus Lupin and Minerva Mcgonagall were also in the room and burst into applause and tears at the end of it.
"But how'd you know about the oranges?" asked Lupin
"Simple," said Albus, popping a mint, "she mentioned she was allergic to cotton."
"And the Eiffle Tower?" asked Minerva.
"Easy. I knew it was the tower because I used the Law of Sines, they always said Math was useful in the real world."
"Shouldn't we get back to talking about Harry?" Snape asked.
"Oh, right, yes, of course," said Dumbledore, "so Voldemort's got him?"
"Yes."
"Then I need you to be a mole, Severus, we need Harry on our side."
Severus was not at all surprised by his assignment. "Fine, then I'll be a bigger," he stroked his oily locks, "hairier mole then the one on your inner thigh."
Dumbledore raised an eyebrow.
"Well, I'll be on my way," said Severus.
He had made it to the door when Dumbledore stopped him.
"I'd nearly forgotten. I've discovered another part of the prophecy that's very important."
"What is it?" Severus asked.
"The one to defeat Voldemort," Dumbledore had another candy, "must.remain.a.virgin," he said in a booming voice.
"Uh oh," Snape said under his breath.
--
Who made the scrapbook? Will Snape get there in time? Does Harry like the taste of eggplant?
I included one shameless plug to another of my fics and three references to my dear, dear Arrested Developement... soon for the chopping block... wah! A cookie to those who find them.
Is this as painful to read as it is to write?