Peter was a heavy sleeper, he was the first to admit it. But every single morning, without fail, he had to get up and go to the bathroom at exactly three-thirty. It was like clockwork. It was deeply annoying.

But since he was so used to it he supposed it wasn't too much of a problem.

He trudged back into the dormitory from their private bathroom, silently thanking the good lord that his bed was closest to it. Sirius wasn't much of a problem so long as James was there. James, on the other hand, was on his feet with wand in hand if anything so much as blinked the wrong way. Which was why, Peter figured, Sirius always slept like a baby if James was there. It was always comforting to know that you could count on your friends.

Before getting into bed, Peter glanced around the room. Just to check everything was all right… he'd been feeling on edge recently, though he couldn't quite figure out why. He might have just been on the alert after what had happened the previous night (Remus had told him all about it at dinner while Sirius joked loudly and James watched Lily like a hawk), but somehow he doubted it.

Just that quick glance told him that David Williamson was sprawled out like a dog, Jacob Henley was snoring comfortably, Remus was sleeping like the dead, Sirius was lying at attention and James was… missing. Peter frowned and moved closer to James's bed. His cloak was still there, so was the map. But no James.

He wasn't in the bathroom, obviously, since Peter had just come from there. Peter decided that he'd just gone down to the common room to read a book or something. He was forever unable to sleep lately, which according to James was giving him the chance to catch up on his reading.

Moving as quietly as he could, Peter crept out the dormitory. He walked slowly and quietly past the other boys rooms (they were at the very top of the tower) and finally reached the bottom landing which led down to the common room. He could see James's latest book ('Advanced Transfiguration, a Complete Compendium') lying forgotten on the floor. He'd probably fallen asleep, Peter thought with an eye roll. Which meant that he would have to tip-toe across the room and wake him gently because otherwise he would probably find himself turned into a Hopper Mouse or something.

He touched his foot down onto the next step, testing it to see if it creaked. He was well aware that stone steps shouldn't creak, but according to James and Remus it was a security measure. Finding the staircase to be cooperative this evening, he moved a little further down, frowning as he realised that James wasn't in his usual chair by the fire. One more step, and he saw why.

James was kissing Lily Evans. Peter grinned. THAT was unexpected. One of James' arms was curved around her waist, lifting her a few inches off the ground, while his other hand was disappearing in her hair. Lily, far from fighting him off as Peter would normally expect her to do, had one of her own arms wrapped around James' neck and her other hand gripping his t-shirt, pulling him closer.

Peter turned and, as quickly and quietly as possible, ran up the stairs to tell Moony and Padfoot.

- - -

Very few things were definite in James' world. Very few things were solid enough in his estimation to be relied upon day after day, or to be considered absolute. But if there was one thing that he was absolutely sure of, as sure as he knew anything, was that he liked this dream.

It was better than his regular dreams. In his regular dreams, the most he could hope for was Evans allowing him to kiss her. But in this dream, Lily Evans had kissed him. And she was good enough at it to make his heart thud loudly. But he was also fairly certain it had to be a dream. Because people who were as stubborn as Lily Evans didn't completely change their opinion of a person in one day. There was also one other thing he was fairly certain of:

He didn't bloody care.

If his subconscious had decided to grace him with a Lily Evans who smelled like sugar and ginger, walked around in a man's shirt, with long shapely legs on show as she pulled herself in for yet another kiss after calling him brave and brilliant… well who was he to complain?

Lily stiffened suddenly. James leant back a fraction, watching as a slow smile spread across her lips. He raised a questioning brow, as she glanced over his shoulder.

"If you three idiots don't get out of here I'm having you all expelled." she told someone or other behind him in a sweet tone. James frowned slightly.

This was most certainly not a regular part of the dream. He allowed his hands to slip back down to her waist before he turned slightly. Standing on the stairs, positively beaming at him, were his three best friends. Well, he supposed, it sure as hell wasn't a dream. No dream he'd ever have about Lily had involved Sirius showing up halfway through. Which left the only option being…

James grinned back at the three of them as soon as he started to really believe that Lily Evans was kissing him. "You heard the lady." he snapped, turning back to Lily. She was biting her bottom lip and clearly trying not to laugh. Behind him he heard Peter, Sirius and Remus all going slowly upstairs.

Lily finally let out a giggle, pressing her head into his chest and quivering with laughter. James fought very hard not to do the same himself.

"Do you people have radar or something?" she asked finally. Her eyes shone brightly and she was positively beaming at him. Lily Evans. Beaming. At Him. It almost defied belief.

"I prefer think of it in terms of smoke signals." he said conversationally. Lily giggled again. He felt a wave of terror hit him out of nowhere. "Lily? Why are you doing this?" he murmured, half-hoping she wouldn't hear him.

He, James Potter, was not a normal individual. In fact he wasn't an individual at all, he was Prongs: Mischief Maker extraordinaire and one quarter of the Marauders. He was insufferable. She'd said as much. And (why bother dressing it up?) he'd been practically stalking her for nearly three years, all the while realising that she was, ultimately, out of his league. She looked at him with those big green eyes and he became painfully aware of the fact that he wasn't breathing. Not that there seemed to be a lot he could do about it mind you.

"Because I want to." she replied softly. "And because I've pretty much come to the conclusion that life is far too short to do anything except what I want."

The Shrieking Shack, James thought dumbly. She'd been attacked. She'd nearly been killed. She was vulnerable, she was scared, she was making a mistake, she was… kissing him again. God she couldn't make this easy, could she?

He felt her tongue run teasingly over his lips and groaned with despair. Her hands moved up to his shoulders once more and he followed them there. Using every ounce of self-restraint he could muster, James gripped them firmly and removed them from his shoulders. He took half a step backwards and held her at a distance.

She was watching him with confusion. He hair was mussed, her lips were tender and her eyes were questioning.

James attempted to ignore any impulse to ravish her and instead focus on the moral side of him. If only he could remember where the moral side of him was… He closed his eyes and let out a low breath.

"You don't." he said finally, still keeping his eyes securely shut.

"Don't what?" Lily asked him nervously. Seriously. Lily Evans nervous. Her voice even trembled. James suppressed yet another groan.

"Want to." he clarified, finally opening his eyes. "Look you've uh… had a rough couple of days. And I don't want… I don't want to make them worse. So I think maybe you should, you know, go back to bed."

Lily laughed weakly. "You… you're kidding right?" she asked him.

James shook his head. "Evans do you have any idea what you do to me?" he asked her, still holding her back. "I don't want… I can't face the thought of doing this tonight and seeing you hate me tomorrow." he let go of her and took another, more solid step back. "Night Lily." he said quietly, turning and walking up the stairs.

He'd gotten about three steps up when the urge to turn back and beg forgiveness kicked in, but he fought it. All the way up, seven floors, right into the tower, he fought it. Then he opened the door to his dormitory and sighed inwardly, as he saw Sirius, Remus and Peter all sitting eagerly on Remus's bed, waiting for details. He walked right past them without looking up and collapsed onto his bed.

There was a moment's silence. Then, Peter asked "James what…?" Remus shushed him.

James rolled over, away from his friends and closed his eyes. Just because he knew he wasn't getting any sleep tonight didn't mean that the rest of the world needed to.

He'd actually turned down the advances of Lily Evans. Surely that gave him grounds for being sent to Saint Mungo's didn't it? Actually didn't that give him grounds for suicide? He knew he'd done the right thing though.

He sighed and opened his eyes, staring out the window as yet more snow began to gently fall. And with every fibre of his being, he prayed that she wouldn't hate him tomorrow. Or today, as it were. He prayed that she would understand his reasoning. He prayed that she would understand how hard it had been for him. That she would forgive him.

And yet in some small part of his brain, he also prayed that she wouldn't. That she would hate him for walking away and that she would always hate him in a way.

Because if she did, then it would mean that she'd been serious rather than vulnerable. It would mean she'd really wanted him, wanted to be with him, rather than just wanting him because he was there. And some part of James would much prefer that she hated him for all eternity than that she 'understood his reasoning', because at least then he'd know she cared. And as much as he loathed to admit it; sometimes the remote, impossible possiblity that Lily Evans liked him was all that had kept him going. He wondered if there would be any hope of that possiblity surviving the night...