Chapter 5: Potions Class

Hermione groaned irritated as the alarm on her watch beeped consistently in her ear, reminding her that she had to get up in time for classes. She got up and did her daily morning ritual. Twenty minutes later she walked down into the common room to see the boys sitting on the sofa in front of the fire.

"You two are up early," she said sitting in an armchair.

"Is it time to get up already?" Harry asked, his tone vapid.

"What do you mean 'is it time to get up already'? " She said noticing for the first time that they were dressed in the same clothes they had on yesterday. She could tell because of the sauce stain that adorned Ron's shirt. "You two didn't sleep last night?"

Ron shook his head. "No, we were talking about how to get rid of the people that took over last night."

"So that wasn't a dream?"

"No, unfortunately it wasn't..." Ron said.

"Well, who's up for breakfast?" Harry said standing.

Breakfast went by uneventfully. Between the three of them, the trio managed to eat a piece of toast. Though they didn't eat much many glares were shot towards the teachers' table where the odd-looking people now resided.

Bells rang in the distance signaling that the students should be departing to their first class. The Gryffindors and Slytherins stalked off towards the dungeons. Though the two rival Houses were walking side by side, oddly enough no fights were initiated. All of them were too worried about who their teacher would be as the leader of the group slowly pulled the door open.

"Hi, kids!" the woman with the red and black jester outfit sprung out of the dungeon door. Her black lips were spread in a large beam and her arms were wide as if to give all of the Slytherins and Gryffindors a huge hug.

Zabini, who was leading the group, froze in his tracks at the sight of the odd woman. Usually he was a fan of oddities, but this was beyond weird. Cautiously, all of the students filed in and the leaders of the pack got the seats in the back. Slytherin and Gryffindor gladly sat next to one another just so they didn't have to sit in the front, closer to that mad woman.

The jester woman walked daintily to the front of the room and surveyed all the students who were in the back half of the classroom. "Well, I dunno about this but I'd much rather see all of your faces so I want the last row of seats to more right up here with me!" She patted one of the many empty front row desks.

Twelve faces noticeably paled as soon as the sentence stopped. Those who were trying to escape the maniac woman were now forced to be right in front of her… Slowly, stools scraped against the floor as the students made their way to the front. Ron noticeably gulped as he took his seat on the side of Harry that Hermione had not occupied. Zabini sat at the table next to theirs his eyes wide, as the person sitting next to him scoffed loudly, lounging back in his chair.

The jester woman's smile broadened. "Much better, see that wasn't so bad! Now, why don't you all just tell me your names and I'll check you off on my list? Why don't you start Miss?" She looked at Hermione, clipboard in hand.

"Hermione Granger," Hermione said nervously. "And who exactly are you?"

The woman looked slightly taken aback. "Oh, yeah," she said in a misty voice, "Well, my name is Harley Quinn. You guys may call me Professor Harley, Professor Quinn, or if you want to be formal, Doctor Quinzelle."

"You're a doctor!" Hermione said incredulously. "Who would give you a job dressed like that?"

"Humph, it just so happens that before I met Mistah J, I was a clinical psychiatrist," She reached into her large jewel purse and pulled out a PHD diploma. "Now, if yah don't mind I'd like to finish with role, Miss Granger." She looked at Harry. "And you?"

"Mister J?" Hermione said sounding confused, definitely not something you hear everyday.

"Harry Potter," Harry said looking up at her briefly.

Harley checked off Harry's name without a second glance and continued to move on until she had checked everyone's name off. "Alrighty, then. Now, the Big V said we're not supposed to be teachin' yah all nothin' tah do with magic. So I decided that we're all gonna try something new!"

"Huh?" the class asked as one.

At the back of the room, Snape came in and sat down in the no-longer-occupied back row.

"Baking!" Harley cried with glee.

"Ah hem," Snape cleared his throat from the back of the room.

Harley's face dropped to look at the back of the room. "Hey Snippy!" She smiled with glee and waved happily.

The class snickered at Snape's new nickname. Snape glared at 'Professor Harley.'

"Excuse me? You're taking my former Potions class and turning it into a cooking class? Has everything in the Muggle world rattled your brains? Potions is the art of taking ingredients and perfectly measuring them in order to manipulate the minds and bodies of others. Cooking is a disgraceful chore in which one takes a variety of food items and throwing them together and calling it done..."

The class just stared. All of them knowing what Snape's temper was like if he was tempted

Harley looked hurt at first and then her porcelain face hardened. "Listen, Snippy, the Big Guy left Mistah J in charge and as far as I know he said that I can do whatever I want for this class." She put her gloved hands on her hips and stuck her tongue out at Snape.

Snape raised an eyebrow at her. "So you think that just because Joker is in charge that you can have a cooking class? As I tell all my first year students, Potions doesn't use any silly incantations, so therefore cannot be considered the magic that my master was referring to."

Harley was getting annoyed with Snape for trying to steal her thunder. "Alright, bub, let's get one thing straight!" Her voice was no longer sweet and innocent but down right bossy. "I'm the one in charge of this class now! You got canned and if I say they're gonna be cooking, they're gonna be cookin'!"

Snape scowled, he wasn't giving up without a fight. "I got canned? No, no dear. I left to go serve my master, and, amazingly, I wound up back here"

"Hold it, hold it, hold it! Is there a problem here?" A voice chimed with a light wickedness from the door.

"Mistah J!" Harley squealed and ran past Snape, leaping into the clown man's arms.

Snape turned to look at the man without a word, an unpleasant look on his face. "Joker…" he said finally, reviewing the clown in his purple suit and green hair.

"What's the matter, Harls?" Joker gave a puppy dog look to the woman in his arms.

"He said that I couldn't teach baking," Harley pouted in a toddler-like manner. "He said that just because you were in charge I couldn't teach…"

"Awe," Joker gave an exaggerated sad look and turned on Snape. "Well, Snips, causing trouble in my school, eh? Yah know, you need to lighten up, dear chap. Put a smile on that face now and then…" With an evil grin, Joker tossed a marble-sized ball at Snape's feet that burst into lavender smoke that overwhelmed Snape, hiding him from sight.

As the smoke disappeared, a crazed laughter came from the doubled over figure of Snape. Snape threw his head back to reveal a huge wide smile that resembled the Joker's spread across his face. His eyes bulged from convulsions of cackling and fell to the floor. His body lied curled up in a ball from fits of laughter as he thrashed on the stone dungeon floor.

The students just stared. Never before had they seen Snape smile, unless he was up to something. This was just plain, unrestrained laughter.

"Oh, that's so much better!" Joker exclaimed letting a delighted Harley down to her feet. "Right kids?" He laughed.

Every eye in the classroom was on him, all fearful of what was going to happen next.

"Hmm…" Joker tapped his finger to his chin, pondering over what to do with the now unconscious Snape. "CROC!" He bellowed.

"What?" the large half-crocodile man appeared in the door.

"Ah, Crockers, my dear reptilian friend," Joker smiled. "Take ol' Snippy, here, to the hospital wing for me."

"Where?" Croc scratched his bald green-tinged head, looking lost.

Joker rolled his eyes. "You three!" He pointed to Harry, Ron, and Hermione's table. "Show Croc the hospital wing!" He turned back to Harley. "Now, Pooh, what were you going to teach?" Joker pulled a chair out at an empty table and took a seat, putting his black and white shoes on the table.