Chapter 11: Yours, Mine, and Hers
"No."
Those blue eyes stared in question, hands slipping off Gabrielle's arms.
"I meant, no, I'm not leaving," she said, "I will stay."
That serene expression, filled with warmth, returned to the warrior's face. Xena grabbed hold of her hand, walking over to the bed. It felt yards away, but it was only a few feet. Her eyes focused on the silk sheets, and she gaped at the nicely made-up blankets at the foot of the bed. For the last few minutes, she felt trapped in a vortex of swirling emotions.
Never would she have thought that she'd be in this room—with the woman she was ordered to murder—but she was here. And she wasn't leaving. Just as Xena said, she could've left at any point in time, and maybe, in the beginning, she was tempted by that. As she spent more time with the ghostly conqueror, she came to notice more and more subtle quirks about her.
All that time spent in Rome together, yet so far apart from one another, served a purpose. And what was that purpose, Gabrielle wondered? Xena was the most peculiar woman she'd ever met. She'd like to think that Erva would agree, despite their occasional quarrels. She had taken a liking to Xena from the moment they met but never felt the feelings were reciprocated.
But they were—they are.
Absentmindedly, her fingers draped over her lips, the pulsating sensation still present. The taste of the sweet fruit lingered, which brought her mouth to an upward curl, reminiscing on a moment that only happened less than a minute ago.
This woman is so different than me, she thought. What could we both have in common? Aside from nearly killing one another. She began to think of staying in Xena's life was the right choice, but she couldn't think clearly now whatever choice she had to make. Her emotions were distracting her, which was one of the first lessons she learned as a mercenary.
Xena was right. I am a horrible mercenary. Here I am, in the same room, the same bed, as my target.
Her fingers grazed the silk sheets, and she turned around to see Xena stripping herself of her clothes. With widened eyes, she gaped at the number of scars on her back, fresh and old. There was a hint of softness to her slender, muscular frame. The candle's flame flickered just at the right moments, outlining the crevices of the soft muscles along her shoulders and lower back.
Xena grabbed her lengthy hair, brought it over her shoulder, and teased a smile. She finally turned around, placing a hand on her hip, and reached for the leftover glass of wine. Smiling, she drank the rest of the warm, stale wine and sat on the bed, inching towards Gabrielle.
This woman was not shy at all, thought Gabrielle. She stripped herself naked in just a matter of seconds without giving it a second thought. Xena began undoing the laces on Gabrielle's tunic and sensed hesitation by the rigidness of her frame.
Pausing, she placed a hand over Gabrielle's chest and felt her heart racing faster than before.
"If you don't want to be here, you can leave, as I said."
Gabrielle faintly smiled, scratching her temple out of nerves. "I do…I want to stay."
Xena's upper lip curled into a smile, and she tugged at the laces, slipping them through the eyes. Drifting her fingers to the sleeves, she slipped one sleeve off Gabrielle's shoulder and felt a small tremble.
She quickly retracted her hand. "Are you sure you want to stay here?"
"Yes, yes…" Gabrielle nervously lifted her eyes. "It's just…I've never…" she trailed off.
Xena finally caught on, raising her eyebrows into her fringe.
"I mean," Gabrielle laughed awkwardly, "I did, with…a guy named Janus," she took a long pause, "back in Rome. It definitely wasn't…what I expected."
Xena lowered her head, feigning a snicker.
"And I don't think he knew what he was doing!"
"Gabrielle."
She paused, gaping at the earnest blue eyes.
"I'm not Janus, and I know what I'm doing. I've done this once or twice before."
Gabrielle took in a shaky breath, and she relaxed for a moment. Once a hand came closer to her blouse, she took hold of the wrist. "If it's alright with you, I want to keep my clothes on."
She could tell that Xena didn't like that response. But she had been waiting to get this close to her. Now that the moment was here, she didn't know how to feel or what to do. Xena wore a faint smile, relenting to the request.
"How about we take it one step at a time?" asked Xena, resting her hands on her thighs. "I don't want to make you feel like…you want to leave," she brushed a blonde strand from Gabrielle's cheek.
Plagued with a wicked headache from the party, Eylül confined herself to her bed for nearly two days. She had no desire to meet with any politicians today, even though she knew she had several people that wished to speak to her. Today was one of those days that she wanted to be alone, without interruptions.
Laying in bed with a damp cold cloth over her forehead and eyes, a rap on her door caused her to groan loudly.
"What?" her voice tired and worn.
One of the male servants entered the room and clumsily tripped over a chest of clothes. He hurried over to the bed, nervous to speak. Eylül felt his presence and his shadow lingering over her like an annoying pest.
She lifted the cloth from her eyes, glaring at the young man. "What is it?"
He stuttered, "the Syrian…I cannot find her anywhere, Eylül."
"Hmm." She draped the cloth over her eyes once more. "She can't just disappear," she moaned, placing a hand over her throbbing head. "Do you have any important news for me?"
The servant twiddled his thumbs then received a menacing glare from his superior.
"About Erva, boy. Erva. She was at the party. What is the news on her?"
"I…I don't have any news, ma'am."
Eylül sighed, resting her head back on the pillow. "Disappointing. I want to have a meeting at the north gate tonight. Deliver the message."
"Yes, Eylül," he nodded, then hastily exited the room.
"Stupid boy," she muttered, wincing at the repeated twinges in her head that never seemed to dissipate.
Laying in bed, Gabrielle impassively toyed with Xena's fingers, admiring how gentle, yet strong, they were. Her gaze drifted over to the mass of dark tresses played across Xena's breasts, and she found herself staring too long. She heard a soft laugh and craned her neck, staring at Xena's amused expression.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, now embarrassed.
Xena sat up carefully, mindful of her numerous injuries, specifically her hand. "Don't be."
Sliding out of bed, Xena strolled over to the other side of the room to grab a kaftan. Gabrielle sat up, lacing her blouse, and watched from afar as Xena ran her fingers through her hair a few times while standing in front of the mirror. Looking at the floor, Gabrielle let out a winded sigh.
Xena struck her as a person who didn't take 'no' for an answer. Nor did she think that Xena liked to be denied in any form. The kiss was unnerving enough, and she froze, unsure how to react. She didn't want to know what Xena was thinking for once. She was more embarrassed by herself and felt somewhat ashamed that Xena appeared so disappointed from the denial.
"I did enjoy it," she spoke up, drawing Xena's attention away from her reflection. "The kiss, I mean. I didn't know…you felt that way. About me, I mean," she rambled, sweat forming on her forehead. "I'm talking too much, aren't I?"
Xena smiled, brushing the knots out of her hair. "Don't you always."
The tension in the room subsided by the wry remark, and Gabrielle sighed. "I want to know who you are, Xena. I want to know more about you before…I…"
"Before I invite you into my bed?" Xena turned around, finishing the sentence.
Just as Gabrielle was to respond, a horse trotting outside caught their attention. Xena set down the hairbrush and walked to the window, drawing the curtain. She felt a warm body behind her and peered to Gabrielle, standing by her side.
"Erva's back."
Gabrielle sighed, knowing this wasn't going to be a pleasant meeting. "I wonder where she went."
"So do I," Xena pulled the curtain to a close and turned to face the blonde. "And I do like you, Gabrielle." She swiped a thumb over Gabrielle's cheek, smiling softly.
Rushing into the villa, Erva made her way towards the stairs. Once she was met face to face with Demir, she was tempted to pound his head into the wall. She willed herself to keep calm, but when he told her of Xena's sudden return, she wanted to give that woman a piece of her mind.
She rounded the corner, stopping at the foot of the stairs, meeting Xena's eyes from up above. She frowned, seeing Gabrielle standing beside her.
"Where have you been?" Xena asked.
Erva's fingers curled around the balustrade's post. "Didn't she tell you?" her tone soured, glaring at Gabrielle.
"I want to talk to you alone." Xena trailed down the stairs, leaving Gabrielle by herself.
Erva, eyes focused on the blonde, had her arm forcefully yanked. She followed Xena into the kitchen, far enough from the stairs. She was pushed into the table and fell onto one of the chairs, gaping up at Xena, now suddenly aware of where she was and who she was with.
Stepping forward, Xena placed her hands on Erva's thighs, bent over, and nearly pressed their foreheads together. She could hear Erva's breath hasten once their eyes met.
"I'll ask again, where have you been? Gabrielle said, you went to follow Demir and Tariq. She said you didn't trust them. Why is that?"
Erva clenched her jaw. "I followed…Demir once. He is passing messages to someone."
"He what? Who is he sending messages to?"
"I didn't know," Erva said, tapering her eyes. "I followed him again, and this time, I found the messenger. He's Roman. Messages are being sent to Rome, but I don't know who is receiving them."
With her mouth agape, Xena grabbed hold of Erva's jaw, rearing her head back.
"And you thought it was a good idea to keep this from me?" her grip tightened, pressing her nail into Erva's cheek. "Why?" she hissed.
Erva held onto the table, fearing she might fall backward, and grabbed Xena's wrist tightly. Almost with pleading eyes, she felt speechless. Moments later, Xena pulled her hand away, and Erva gasped for air, wrapping a hand around her throat, coughing under her breath.
"I trust you with my life, and you're keeping things from me. No wonder I've become a target. Eylül is a slimy snake."
Erva coughed and choked, "w-hat?"
"You're letting me live in a death trap, Erva. He knows my face!" she pointed to herself. "I could be killed in my sleep! He guards this villa!"
Erva grimaced, rising from the chair. "If he wanted to kill you, he would've done so already, and I wouldn't let that happen."
"Oh?" Xena cast a mocking smile. "Yet, you lied to me, kept this from me, and allowed Demir to continue to send messages to Rome of my whereabouts. You're killing me slowly!"
"You're only killing yourself!" Erva spat back.
Silencing the room, Xena's eyebrows lifted, and gradually her fingers curled into her palm.
"None of this would've happened if you hadn't raided Roman territory in the first place!" feeling bold, she continued, "you killed thousands of people in less than three days!"
Seeing only red, Xena took the sword from Erva's sheath and marched out of the kitchen.
Gabrielle sat on the last step of the staircase, listening to the muffled quarrel in the kitchen. She had her focus on her fidgety fingers, then raised her chin once she saw Xena stalking across the villa with a sword in hand. Erva chased after her, and Gabrielle stood, stepping down from the stairs.
Xena swung open the door, eyeing Demir and Tariq guarding the horses below. She marched down the stairs, grabbed Demir by the shoulder, and lurched the blade into his chest. Forcing the sword further into his body, it exited through his shoulder blade. Demir dropped to his knees, gawking upward, grasping for the bit of air, which escaped him.
She retracted the blade, and Demir fell to the ground, face-forward. She wiped the blade on the fallen soldier's clothes, then looked to Tariq, who stood, aghast and stunned.
"Get rid of him."
Walking back inside, she shoved the sword into Erva's chest and caught a pair of green eyes shadowing from afar. Briefly, she made eye contact, then spun around, grabbing Erva's arm.
"Don't you ever lie to me again," she whispered.
At her worst, Eylül was one who kept her promises and made the long trek to the north gate. She didn't like going around the city at night, especially knowing that she could possibly be targeted by any of Xena's soldiers. She was distrustful of everybody around her.
She walked through the gate, waving her hand at her assistant, who accompanied her during nightly walks. She came to a large pavilion and waited patiently. Every once in a while, she scanned the area, looking in the dark crevices of the ivy-covered stone and trees.
This area had been abandoned for quite some time, but she didn't think it was truly left behind. She was sure Xena had soldiers posted here. After all, it used to belong to her at one point. When
Xena used to live in the public's eye, that is.
Eylül sighed, picking at her nails, then heard the sound of boots scuffing on the dirt road. Pulling the hood of her cloak over her head, she watched a dark figure hurry through the arched stone pathway.
In an already bitter mood, she crossed her arms and spoke softly, "why is Erva still alive? I told you to get rid of her."
Out of breath, the man responded, "there were too many people in the way at the party."
"For heaven's sake," Eylül rumbled, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, you told me that Xena left her home. Do you know where she is now?"
"No, we haven't been able to locate her."
"Wherever Erva is, Xena must be with her. Xena has many homes scattered around Edirne."
The bearded man wore a defeated look about himself. "But ma'am, we would have to check every home in Edirne. I don't know where all of Xena's properties are."
"Well, then, I suggest you start searching," she smiled, patting him on the shoulder.
He straightened his posture and turned to be on his way until Eylül grabbed his forearm.
"Do you have messages for me?"
"I do have one from your cousin in Abydos."
She beamed. "From Soner?"
He nodded, relaying the message verbally, "he says someone knows about your intentions."
All color drained from Bastillia's cheeks. "Who and why is this person still alive?"
"He says the young man knows Xena personally. I don't know any more than that," he tipped his head and ran through the gate, becoming the darkness itself.
The last three days living in the villa with three other women became such a chore. Gabrielle couldn't take the awkward silence lurking in every hallway. She found it best to stay away from the two walls that smashed into each other—those walls being Erva and Xena. Those two argued more than a husband and wife.
Gabrielle sat in her room, journaling, as it was the only thing to keep her mind occupied recently. She heard snippets of the arguments but hadn't yet decided if it was best to approach Xena about the topics she heard. And Varinia, that girl was laid up in her room, sicker than when she arrived. Gabrielle knew that there were pieces of Xena she couldn't and wouldn't be able to figure out unless she spoke about it.
For now, she wrote down her thoughts, keeping them to herself. This wasn't a safe space, but her journal was.
As she sat at the desk, writing diligently for most of the morning, she was lost in thought. She ignored everything around her, focusing on her writing. If she wasn't painting some ungodly portrait of some pompous woman, she was writing.
Xena walked up the stairs, through the corridor, and passed by Gabrielle's room. She backtracked and stood in the doorway, smiling faintly. She knocked on the doorframe, startling the journaling artist fast at work.
Gabrielle smiled, showing her flushed cheeks. "Morning…"
"It's afternoon," said Xena, waltzing into the bedroom. She eyed the journal, filled with an abundance of words. "Am I disturbing you?"
"I was just writing," Gabrielle quickly closed the leather journal, "some of my thoughts down." She stuffed the journal into a drawer and set down the pen.
"I'm not going to read your thoughts," Xena remarked in an upward tone. "I can't read that well anyway," she admitted meekly.
Gabrielle swiveled in the chair, resting an elbow on the chair's back. "We'll have to fix that. Don't worry, we'll work on it together."
Xena took a seat on the bed, crossing a leg over her knee. Eyes dancing around the room, she hadn't been in this room at all since being here. Although she remembered Gabrielle's room was downstairs and somehow missed the sudden migration upstairs. Her eyes circled the room until she laid them on the blonde sitting across from her.
"How's your hand?"
Xena peered down at the bandages. "Better."
Nodding her head, Gabrielle twisted her mouth, then blurted out. "Xena, I just have to know…" she paused, heart fluttering, "what is going on between you and Erva? You've been arguing with her nonstop for three days."
"She lied to me about Demir. He's been passing messages to Romans."
"I know that," Gabrielle tilted her head. "But there's more. You're entitled to your own privacy, but I'm here to help. I overheard—"
"You were listening to my conversations?" Xena said, almost hurt, yet showed more anger than anything else.
Gabrielle raised her hands offensively. "How could I not? I can hear you two from the other side of the villa. It's not like I was outside the room listening."
That anger materialized into mortification soon after.
Gabrielle made a move to the bed and sat next to the warrior. "We seem to do a lot of talking on beds."
Xena arched her eyebrow, withholding her inner thoughts.
"This is what I'm talking about, Xena. You're intentionally keeping things from me. If you just let me…get close to you." hesitantly, she laced their fingers together. "You brought me here, and I intend to stay, which means I need to know you—the real you."
"Gabrielle…please."
That pleading voice, soft and weak—so unlike the warrior that everyone feared—turned Gabrielle's stomach into twisting knots.
"If I tell you, you will want to leave."
Gabrielle's lip curled upward. "Then, I guess you don't know me very well, either. Tell me. I'm listening."
Over the next few minutes, Xena told the truth, though it wasn't the whole truth. As she spoke, she couldn't look Gabrielle in the eye. She could feel the judgment seeping from Gabrielle's pores. She was a good sport—Gabrielle—for trying to remain indifferent and keep calm the entire time. This feeling of vulnerability was not something she often felt. In fact, she loathed the feeling. She felt like she was a marble statue being clubbed by mallets.
Xena exhaled, shielding her face with her veil of hair.
"You killed thousands of people in Gaul," Gabrielle repeated. "And you…raided Erva's homeland?"
"Yes, I did."
Gabrielle was slowly beginning to understand the closeness those two women had. Erva had been a victim of Xena's pillaging, and she just had the opportunity to live or die by joining Xena's army. Gabrielle remembered when Erva said all of her family members were no longer alive. She assumed Xena was responsible for that and didn't want to ask because she didn't want to know the answer.
"And…that is why Nero wants you dead?"
Xena's eyes darkened. "He invaded my territories first."
"But you killed his people too."
Xena stood and then was pulled back down to sit again.
"Okay, wait," Gabrielle hooked their arms. "I'm just trying to understand. Stay, please?"
Xena sighed, turning her cheek. She no longer wanted to stay in this room or wanted to continue this conversation. For a moment, it felt like a relief to get that weight lifted off her shoulders. But now, it felt like a boulder was sitting on her body, weighing her down, as if to sink in the floor.
"I care about you. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here."
After a long moment of silence, she felt Xena's rigid arm fall limp into her hold. So, she added, "you said…more than once, Romans took your son."
Xena crinkled her eyebrows, nodding her head.
"And Erva helped raise him, didn't she?"
This bit of information Gabrielle already knew, only from her own snooping. She needed to hear it from Xena to make it all the more real.
"Yes," Xena answered brokenly.
"I can see why you hate Romans, but now I know…why they hate you."
She kissed the warrior's hand gently. Xena glanced down at their laced hands and turned to meet the smiling face beside her. She wiped her nose, shying away.
Parched and eager to leave her prison, which she called her bed, Varinia walked toward the kitchen. She found a pitcher of water set on the table and rummaged around for a glass. After she quickly drank the water, she poured a second helping, and within seconds, devoured the water. It felt like liquid gold to her, especially after last night.
Exhaling, she wiped the corners of her mouth and slammed the glass on the table. As the cold water settled in her stomach, she contorted her face, resting a hand over her abdomen.
"Dammit," she cursed in a whisper. "Water; not a good idea."
Cautiously, she exited the kitchen with an arm wrapped over her stomach, mumbling to herself. Varinia paused when she saw Erva seated in the sitting room on one of the sofas. There was a bottle of wine, and it was nearly half empty. She had heard Erva and Xena arguing for the last few days, over what, she didn't know.
Varinia walked into the sitting room, and the dark-haired warrior lifted her eyes with a furrowed brow. Varinia put on a smile, despite her ill state, and greeted Erva in their native tongue.
Erva raised an eyebrow, somewhat surprised to hear that greeting.
"Haven't heard that in a long time," she muttered.
Varinia decided to take a seat, much to Erva's annoyance. "I heard you're from Mesopotamia. I'm from Syria. We're sisters," she grinned eagerly.
Erva sipped the wine, although she no longer found it palatable since her fourth glass.
"So, um, you arranged for me and Evander to stay Abydos?"
"His name is Xian."
Varinia nodded, "yes, right. Is there any way you could bring him here? I have a feeling, a bad feeling, something is going on with him. He is so hard to talk to sometimes."
"Wonder where he gets that from," Erva swished the wine leisurely. "Did you talk to Xena about this?"
"Well, I did, but…she's not easy to talk to either."
Erva smirked, "mother like son," she winked and finished off the glass, hissing at the bitterness of it.
Another glass was poured, and just the sight of the wine made Varinia's stomach churn. She scooted to the other side of the sofa to get away from the smell, invading her nose.
"Um, so, I heard you and Xena arguing. I suppose it wouldn't be a good time to talk to her about this."
"I suppose not," Erva raised her eyebrows.
"You know," Varinia covered her nose from the wine wafting towards her, "I think Eylül Bastillia really has out for you."
Erva brought the glass away from her mouth and frowned at the girl.
"She couldn't stop talking about you when I stayed with her. She talked about you more than she spoke about Xena. And I told her that I wanted to speak with Xena."
Erva slammed the glass on the table. "You told her what?"