Chapter Seventeen: Not on Your Own

Evander slipped out of the bedroom, unable to sleep, and hobbled into the dark kitchen. There were only the moonlight and a few candles to light his way. Once in the kitchen, he grabbed the large pitcher of water and searched for a cup. Hobbling across the room, he grabbed a cup and made his way back to the pitcher. As he poured the water, the cup toppled off the counter and fell on the ground, spilling water everywhere.

"Shit."

In the next room, Xena sat on the floor, working on the writing exercises she went over with Gabrielle. She dipped the quill in ink and slowly continued writing, peering over at Gabrielle, who was asleep in a chair, curled in a ball. The corner of her lip turned upward.

She heard a lot of activity in the kitchen and set down the quill. Getting to her feet, she limped her way through a doorway and found Evander crouched on the floor, attempting to clean the floor. Xena silently approached, knelt down, and picked up the cup, crossing her arm over his.

Evander froze and slightly turned towards her. His chest tightened, gazing into mirrored eyes. He clutched the counter, quickly standing up, and hissed at the stabbing pain in his leg. He tried to ignore her and wiped the remainder of the water on the counter.

Xena stood and placed the empty cup on the counter. Curiously, she peeked at his leg and noticed blood seeping through the bandages. Even in the dark, her eyes were as sharp as a hawk.

"You're bleeding."

He looked down at his leg and turned his cheek, eager to leave and get back to bed. Water was no concern of his anymore and hobbled off. Xena snatched his arm, gently pulling him back.

"Let me take a look at it," she insisted.

Evander almost refused, but instead, he walked with her over to a table near one of the large windows. He gaped at her long hair that was just past her hips. It was even longer than he remembered it was since the last time they saw each other. Evander settled into a chair, and she sat across from him.

She cast a gentle smile, lifted his leg to rest on her thigh, and unwrapped the bloodied bandages. She inspected the wound in the candlelit room, pressed her thumbs on his skin, and felt him flinch harshly. Her fingers quickly withdrew once she inflicted even the slightest of pain.

"There's a few splinters. I'll have to pick them out. You'll need to be very still."

Evander sighed, slowly nodding his head. The slit of her dress exposed her wound, and Evander tilted his head.

"What happened?" he pointed to her thigh.

"I was shot."

Evander drummed his fingers on the table, thinking of the wretched Bastillia looming in the back of his mind. He hissed as a large splinter was removed from the wound and bit the knuckle of his finger.

"Peacock arrow?" he broke her concentration.

Xena's inner cheeks soured. "How do you know about that?"

He knew he should've said something to Erva on their way across the Marmara Sea, but he couldn't. He didn't exactly know what stopped him, but it was most likely due to the lack of trust in all of these women around him. While he internally thanked Xena for taking him away from Abydos, he didn't want to stay in the Steppes. He didn't belong here, nor did he belong in Rome. There was chaos everywhere Xena was, and he, unfortunately, was in the thick of it all.

She eyed his uncertain expression. "Xian?"

His eyes blinked rapidly at the sound of his name—his birthname—and somehow, it sounded different coming from her mouth than anyone else. Well, anyone else that knew aside from Erva, Varinia, and now, Soner Bastillia.

"Sorry," she looked down at the wound, "what name do you prefer?"

"Xian…is fine," he mumbled. "You know," he took a long pause, "the men who trained me gave me that name—Evander."

Xena half-smiled, picking around the wound to find more splinters.

"They wanted me to have a Roman name," he hissed as a splinter was picked from his skin.

"I think I got every splinter. I'll go get some fresh bandages." She gently moved his leg off her lap and rose from the chair.

He tried to get up. "I can go back to my room."

She clamped a firm hand on his shoulder. "Stay."

Xian clenched his teeth, resisting the strong hand on his shoulder, looking into her eyes, then relented. He relaxed in the chair and propped his leg on the chair. He waited no more than a couple of minutes, twiddling his thumbs impatiently, and heard her return. Adjusting himself in the chair, he sat up, tensing his shoulders.

Xena cast a smile, sat back down, and began wrapping his leg. "So, how do you know about the peacock arrows?"

Xian clamped up and wiped his nose. "Um, I was…going to tell Erva, but I didn't with everything…that happened."

"You can tell me."

"I…I was asked by someone to kill you," he said, receiving a shocked stare. "I worked at this shop and—"

"The carpenter shop."

Xian faltered and continued, "yeah…" he muttered, "um, this man always asks for special arrows—the peacock feather arrows."

She tied a knot on the bandage and gently moved his leg off her lap. "Who is it?"

"His name is Soner Bastillia. He's working with some of your men too."

She wasn't the least bit surprised to hear that name. She figured Eylül wasn't working alone, and it seemed every family member of the Bastillia wanted her dead, but it still didn't explain the note Gabrielle found back in the mountains. Romans were after her as well, but she did know that Eylül was working with Augusta Sabina. Could there be a connection? Could Eylül be working with the Emperor this entire time? Was Eylül even smart enough or cunning enough to stoop so low as to work with Romans?

"I heard the Bastillias don't like you. Why?"

"A lot of people don't like me, Xian," she said half-jokingly. "Thank you for giving this information. It's very helpful. You should go back to bed."

Xian clutched his necklace and watched her descend into the dark kitchen. He blurted out, "did you really look for me?"

Xena gripped the doorframe, casting a hooded gaze over her shoulder. "Yes, I did."

"When did you stop?"

She wrapped a hand over her knotted stomach. "Xian, I've never stopped thinking about you, just know that. I've thought about you every day," she took in a deep breath.

He swiveled around, staring at her tall, dark silhouette.

"I have no intention of mothering you. You don't have to stay here, and I won't force you to, but," her fingers clutched her dress, "I would like it if you did."

Without allowing him to respond, she left the kitchen and walked into the sitting room. She peered back to see Xian still sitting in the chair, gazing out the window. With a ball of nerves circling within her, she turned around and bumped into Gabrielle.

Gabrielle stood with wide eyes, and it was obvious she heard more than she should have. Xena licked her dry lips and finagled the fabric of her dress, unnerved. She felt trapped, and she couldn't run, nor would she try to, as she felt her feet glued to the floor.

"He—he's your son?" she choked.

"Why can't you just storm in there and kill her?!"

The guard cleared his throat loudly, watching Eylül pace around the bedroom. He expected a reaction like this, especially since he had to break the terrible news about all of her trade ships being set on fire at the ports. Surely by now, days after the siege, the Bastillia clan across the Steppes knew about the loss of goods.

"The villa is heavily guarded, Miss Eylül. There is no chance anyone can approach within thirty feet of the villa."

Eylül growled, picked up a vase, and smashed it on the floor. The guard flinched and took a generous step backward to keep away from the small heated woman.

"I owe so much to Augusta Sabina. I'm in debt up to my ears!" she screeched.

"What would you like me to do now?"

Eylül straightened herself up, combing through her long hair, then sat down. She had enough of this game of hide and seek with Xena and her envoy. She knew that there were others after Xena, and now that Xena was out in the open—everyone had seen her by now—she was an easy target, or so she thought. Eylül began to think this woman was impossible to get rid of, despite her being exposed to all of Edirne.

"Nothing, I guess," she huffed.

He approached her cautiously and relayed a message he carried. "I have a letter from your cousin. Erva was spotted in Abydos a couple of days ago."

Eylül fluttered her eyes. "Oh, really?" her fingers traced her knee. "What was she doing over there? I'm shocked she wasn't here, putting the fires out."

"I'm not sure, but she had a young man traveling with her."

"A man!" she laughed. "Oh, these women continue to surprise me," she twirled a strand of hair around her finger.

"This is the same man who knows Xena and knows about your plan."

Eylül stood slowly from the chair and walked over to the nervous guard. "Is this…person in Edirne? Is he staying with Xena?"

He unknowingly shook his head.

"I want that villa seized."

She could see the fumes slowly rising to the surface the more she looked into Gabrielle's eyes. She didn't need light to see the anger, the confusion, and the frustration.

"You lied to me."

Xena rubbed her forehead, finagling with the fringe of her hair. "I was going to tell you."

"You've been lying to me this whole time!" she curled her fingers into fists. "And you lied about Varinia too. You knew all along why she came here."

"Gabrielle…"

"No!" she whacked the hand that approached her. "And when were you going to tell me that Varinia is pregnant?" she spat.

Xian, halfway down the hall, heard the little spout from the sitting room. He gripped onto the doorway, poked his head around the corner, and could see the two women having a staredown. The bedroom seemed so far away right about now. He felt like he couldn't breathe or move, and that certainly wasn't due to his injury.

She added on, "and that she—she is carrying your…your grandchild?" she managed to say, her voice breaking.

He pushed his weight off the doorway, hurrying as fast as his body managed, and swung open the bedroom. Varinia was still asleep amid the ruckus down the hall. The moonlight hit her delicate features as she laid peacefully with a few strands of curls draped over her face. Xian hobbled over to the bed, intensely staring as her chest rose and fell gradually.

Gingerly, he sat on the bed, trying not to disturb her slumber. Varinia shifted, stretching a leg underneath the blanket, and the other bent, nearly slipping off the edge of the bed. Xian made no intent to move, and he reclined on the pillows and brushed the curls from Varinia's face.

He slipped under the blankets, resting his weight on his elbow, and kept staring. Hesitantly, he reached over and placed his hand over her flat abdomen.

Xena listened while the ranting continued. With everything that happened thus far, she never once in her life wanted to yell at someone so much until right now. She understood Gabrielle's frustration. She understood the betrayal. She understood everything that Gabrielle felt, but she could only handle so much. While she was balancing everyone else in one palm, she had herself to think of, yet her own well-being was buried deep in the earth.

She never focused on herself, at least not in the way Gabrielle thought she should. She hid. She placated. She ran from her problems. But she never broke her promises, and she promised Gabrielle.

"You don't understand," she spoke under her breath, and Gabrielle continued ranting. "You don't understand!" she shouted.

Gabrielle closed her mouth, cheeks flushed, and hands clenched.

"I didn't know," she lowered her voice. "I didn't know he was my son until I found him spying on me in Rome."

All this time, she had known Evander was her son. All this time, she kept this to herself and apparently forbade Erva from spilling the truth as well. When they met in Rome, Xena was a completely different person. She was mysterious; she was unpredictable and constantly had a story following her. It was different now. Xena brought her here because she wanted her here.

Gabrielle knew everyone was entitled to their little secrets that were a part of themselves. She had a few herself, but she wanted to know everything about Xena. Maybe too much. Was it too much? She felt utterly sick to her stomach by this news. Everyone lied to her face and continued to lie. There was no way Varinia didn't know about this. It explained a lot as to why Varinia came here and asked for Xena's help. She understood everything now.

She was done yelling, as she had no energy left to exert herself any longer. She grabbed Xena's hand and led them to sit down together. They sat, side by side on the sofa, with their fingers laced. Gabrielle gaped at their intertwined hands, setting aside all the fury that erupted moments earlier.

"How are you feeling right now?"

Xena brought her eyebrows together, gazing at the moonlit face beside her.

"I mean, I just yelled at you for several minutes," she chuckled awkwardly. "You have a lot on your plate, and I want you to know that I'm here for you."

There was a firm squeeze of her hand, and she peered over, seeing glistening tears. She wiped the tears, and Xena turned her cheek, wiping her cheeks.

"I didn't want you to find out like this."

"Well, I did," Gabrielle said. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? You could've told me yesterday when I asked about Evander, but you didn't."

"I know!"

Gabrielle swallowed, rubbing her thumb along the hand she held. Realizing what just happened in the last few minutes, she was beyond angry, but she didn't stop to think about how Xena felt. Her life was turned upside down with her son suddenly walking back into her life. Her citizens rebelled against her. There were groups of people out to kill her. And she just had to sit here and listen to someone half her size yell in her face.

"Xian's a nice name."

Finally, Xena broke into a smile.

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell me since I have you cornered," she hinted. "You don't have any other secret children around here, do you?"

"No, no."

Gabrielle blew her bangs from her eyes, sighing heavily. This entire conversation was incredibly draining, but once again, she thought of only herself.

"No wonder Erva was acting so weird. She would hardly say anything to me when Evan…I mean, Xian, was nearby, but she seemed really protective around him. She was the one who told me about Varinia."

Xena lifted her eyebrows in silence.

"Did you really know about that?" she squinted her eyes.

"Yes."

"Great, now everybody knows except for the woman herself."

Xena squeezed the blonde's hand. "I will tell her. Listen, um, Gabrielle, there is something you should know about Erva."

She was unsure if she wanted to know this bit of truth, although she was over ecstatic that Xena was willing to share. Nevertheless, she didn't want any retaliation from the woman upstairs.

"The subject of children is a sore spot for her. Try not to bring that up around her."

Gabrielle crinkled her eyebrows. "Because she didn't have any?"

Xena sighed, "just don't bring it up. We should get to bed," she stood, began to walk off, and her arm was yanked back.

"Hey, you promised to tell me everything. You were doing so well!" she spoke in a playful tone.

"I will," she wrapped a hand over Gabrielle's. "But I'm very tired, and I'm sure you are too." She motioned her head to the stairs. "I will walk you to your room."

"I…can stay with you. I mean, that is, if you want me to."

A bright smile illuminated Xena's face, and she quietly led them both up the stairs.

Days later, Varinia noticed a shadow following her everywhere, and that shadow was Evander. She couldn't even leave the room without him following right behind her or asking if she needed help with the minimalist of tasks. This morning was especially annoying since she was trying on different blouses gifted by Xena, and her imminent yet annoying tall shadow kept leering over her.

Standing before the mirror, she adjusted the blouse, tucked it into her skirt, then tightened the corded belt around her waist. As she combed her hair, she looked at Evander's reflection sitting on the bed behind her. She spun around, grimacing.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Varinia rolled her eyes. "I want you to stop. You've been gawking at me like I'm some kind of endangered bird for days!"

He chuckled at her fiery attitude. Once he saw the horrid scowl on her face, he quieted down. "You look nice." He gestured to the outfit.

"You're acting weird, Evander. You barely bat an eye towards me in Abydos, and now I can't get rid of you," she turned around, brushing her hair.

"I'm sorry for how I treated you before," he rubbed the back of his neck. "I was…under a lot of pressure. If I would've known that you…" his eyes dipped down to her stomach.

Varinia brought her eyebrows together and turned to face him. "If you would've known what?"

"That you…felt like that, then I wouldn't have been so rude to you."

"I did tell you. You just didn't want to listen to me," she snapped.

"I promise I'll listen to you from now on," he raised his hands on the offense. "I'll even go pick out fabric with you."

That piqued her interest and pursed her mouth, slowly turning to meet his blue eyes. She rested a hand on her hip, now quite curious of his do-gooder attitude and change of mood since they were together again.

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Hmm," she twirled her hair around a finger. "Why the sudden change?"

He shrugged. "Because I care about you."

He grabbed her hand and pulled her to sit on his lap. Varinia smiled crookedly, wrapped an arm around his shoulders and neck.

"Did anyone put you up to this?" she asked with caution. "Like…your mother?"

That word irked him, even still, but he set everything aside. He hadn't spoken a word to Xena in the last few days since their last conversation.

"No, just me."

Getting Xena to talk was like pulling a sharp sword out from an infected wound, but at least she was trying, albeit slowly. In the last few days, Gabrielle now knew why the Bastillia family hated Xena so much. This was a problem even before Xena came along. The Bastillia clan did not like that someone came in and took over the entire area, destroying their monopoly on imported and exported goods from all regions.

The Romans were a completely different story. Gabrielle had lived with Romans for so long that she developed a somewhat normalized sympathetic perspective. She definitely despised Emperor Nero and her job while living under Roman rule. But as she grew to know Xena better, she very gradually understood why Xena hated Romans so much. Of course, they took her son away from her, so that was a huge point. She was robbed of being a mother, and now, here her son was right in front of her, and even now, she couldn't be a true mother.

While she was no longer angry about her son being kept a secret, she was still upset that Xena—actually nobody—told her what was happening. She knew she wanted Xena to keep her promise to tell her everything, but she also told her several times that she wanted no secrets from here on out. Hopefully, after this, there wouldn't be.

These last few days had been peaceful, despite the potential Romans trying to seek them outside this villa. In bed, Gabrielle turned over to lay on her side and stared at the slumbering warrior beside her. Her fingers grazed Xena's bare shoulder gently, shying away from a smile. Biting her lower lip, her fingers dipped downward, finagling beneath Xena's long pillowy sleeve.

I want to understand you.

Gabrielle's fingers traveled up her arm, circling around to Xena's shoulder, then to her collar bone, and finally her neck.

I want to feel you.

She brushed a bundle of raven locks from her shoulder and leaned in closer, kissing Xena's arm.

I want to be one with you.

Xena came to, fluttering her eyes open, and glanced over at the eyes upon her. She grinned tiredly. She felt as if she hadn't slept in years, even though it had only been three days. Yawning, she pushed her hair back with her fingers and rolled over slowly, wincing at her shoulder wound.

"Are you okay?" Gabrielle asked, instantly concerned.

"Mhm." She rested her cheek on her hand and adjusted the strap on Gabrielle's shoulder. "Were you watching me while I was sleeping?"

Gabrielle's cheeks flushed at that, and she absent-mindedly scratched her cheek.

"You're embarrassed."

"No," she snorted, "I'm not…"

"You always do that." Xena copied the motion of scratching her own cheek. "You do that when you're nervous."

Gabrielle gasped, clearly shocked she had been hyper-focused. "I do? You notice that?"

"I notice a lot of things about you, Gabrielle." She winked. "I…like it that you stayed here. You can leav—"

"Leave at any time, I know," she laughed softly. "You sleep like a board, you know."

"And you move around like a salted slug."

Gabrielle gasped audibly, slapping a hand over her chest. "I do not!"

Humming a laugh, Xena leaned over, and their lips met briefly. Pulling back, she backed her way off the bed, stretching her sore shoulder. She grabbed a linen towel and waved it back and forth nonchalantly.

"I'm going to take a bath. Do you want to join me?"

Gabrielle's jaw tensed, and she sat up on her elbows. "Join you?"

"Yes?" the look on Gabrielle's face caused much mirth. "You do know what a bath is, don't you?" she threw the towel on the bed. "I'll be waiting for you if you decide to come."

As soon as she left, Gabrielle collapsed onto the pillows, gazing at the ceiling. She placed her laced fingers over her chest, mumbling to herself, thinking over what she was going to do, what she was going to say, how she was going to walk in there. No, I could just stay in bed, she thought. That was the safe option, and nothing Xena did was safe.

"She's testing me," she muttered. "Dammit."