(Disclaimer: I own nothing, they are the property of their respective owners.)
(Author's Note: Frank Harper will be portrayed by Joe Estevez, since Martin Sheen plays Rose's Father in the series, they sound alike so who cares, and in the flashback scenes, Frank Harper will be portrayed by Charlie Sheen, while Evelyn will be portrayed by the actress who played Lydia, I don't remember her name).
(Also: I know I haven't worked on this story in months, but I'm hoping to finish it).
Chapter 3: The return of Frank Harper.
Alan, Berta, and Evelyn, are in the living room, along with the mysterious man, since identified as Frank Harper, he looks at Evelyn, whom he immediately recognizes.
Frank - Hello, Evelyn.
She looks mad.
Evelyn - ...You!
Alan - Mom, What is going on here?
Evelyn - Alan, I want this man out of here right away.
Frank - I see you haven't changed much.
Alan - Mom, you said Dad was dead.
Frank - And you believed that?
Evelyn - Alan, listen to me, I am your mother.
Alan - Mom, please.
Evelyn - I am your mother, Alan!
Alan - Shut up!
She is caught of guard by his sudden outburst. Alan turns back to Frank.
Alan - Sorry about that, my Mom is kind of sensitive.
Frank - I know how she is. She's still the same after all these years.
Alan - So, explain what had happened.
Frank - As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted..
Flashback POV:
We see a young Frank Harper, reading a newspaper while sitting in front of the television, he looks like Charlie, except he has a goatee.
Frank (narrating) - Those first few years were fun, but the marriage was starting to crumble.
Evelyn comes to the living room, she looks similar to Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Lydia, but talks like a younger version of Evelyn.
Evelyn - Frank, dear, why aren't you dressed?
Frank - For what?
Evelyn - We have a party to attend.
Frank - What party?
Evelyn - The one I told you about. You never listen to me.
Frank - What's there to listen to?
She shakes her head.
Evelyn - Why do you do these things?
Frank - What ever do you mean?
Evelyn - I have a reputation to keep up, and you're not helping me.
Frank puts the newspaper down, and gets up from his chair.
Frank - Why are you making a big deal about this, you know I hate these things.
Evelyn - I'm not having this discussion again, Frank, now get off your ass, and come with me, we have to do this.
Frank - No you don't. We're all gonna get old one day, and we've already started to look that way.
Evelyn - Excuse me?
Frank - You heard me, Evelyn, you're old.
Evelyn - I am not old. I am in my prime.
Frank - No, you're not, your old,
Evelyn - I am not.
Frank - And what about Alan and Charlie?
Evelyn - My Mother will watch them.
Frank - Are you insane? You wanna leave the boys with that crazy woman? They already have you for a mother, and you want to scar them for life?
Evelyn - Oh, like your parents are saints.
Frank - Hey, my Mother is a damn good woman, she raised ten children on her own after loosing her true love in the war.
Evelyn is now starting to get annoyed.
Evelyn - You know, I just might go into the arms of another man.
Frank - Like Dorothy's husband?
Evelyn - I beg your pardon?
Frank - You heard me.
Evelyn - Like your so innocent, if I recall you and Dorothy had an intimate liaison a while back.
Frank - Dorothy was at least more fun than you.
Evelyn - Look, Frank, I am going to this party, with or without you.
Frank - Go for it.
She heads to the front door, and opens it, exiting the house.
Frank - Tell Sherman I said hi!
She closes the door.
Frank - What a bitch.
He returns to his chair, A young boy comes downstairs, it's Charlie.
Charlie - Dad.
Frank - Yes, son?
Charlie - I think I broke something that mom likes.
Frank - What do I always say?
Charlie - Blame Alan?
He smiles.
Frank - That's my boy. Now run along and go play.
Charlie runs off, Frank resumes reading the newspaper.
Frank - Crazy kid. Hope those piano lessons pay off one day.
End of Flashback.
Alan - So Gloria might be my sister?
Frank - For future reference don't sleep with her.
Alan - Good to know.
Frank - Especially since you already slept with her mother.
Evelyn is shocked upon hearing that last remark. She looks at Alan.
Evelyn - Alan, you didn't.
Alan - Mom, let me explain...
Evelyn - I can't look at you.
She heads to the table by the couch, where the liquor bottles are.
Evelyn - Housekeeper! Serve me a drink, please.
Berta - Don't worry, I'll serve her the cheap stuff.
Frank - Thank you.
Frank hands her a couple of 100 dollar bills.
Berta - I'm beginning to like him already.
Berta heads off to go serve the drinks, Frank continues his story.
Flashback POV
Frank is in the kitchen, he opens a drawer, there's fish in there, it's raw, gone bad.
Frank (narrating) - I had seen the raw fish in the drawer earlier that day, I knew it was expired.
He removes it, and replaces it with fresh fish.
Frank (narrating) - So I switched it out with fresh fish, she couldn't tell the difference.
It's dinner time, Frank, Evelyn, Charlie, and Alan are at the table,
Frank (narrating) - By the time dinner time came around, I made my move.
He takes a bite, and suddenly collapses to the floor. Evelyn runs to the phone, Charlie and Alan look at him.
A few Paramedics are at the home, one of them is out front, talking to Evelyn, the other two are carrying Frank's "Dead" body out of the home on a gurney, they lift the gurney into the van, the doors close, and the van drives away.
In the back of the van, with the two paramedics, Franks sits up, relieved, he pulls out money, and pays the paramedics.
Frank (narrating) - The people who carried my body out of the house were actually friends of mine, I had paid them to get me out of there, it worked.
In a morgue, Frank, and the Mortician are talking, beside them is a coffin.
Frank (narrating) - After that, I knew I had to disappear, so I had the mortician help set up my funeral service, that included locking the coffin so no one could open it, and I mean no one.
At the funeral service, Frank is in disguise, he sees his boys in the front, Charlie looking around, while Alan is looking sad, meanwhile Evelyn is both seeking comfort and flirting with another man.
Frank (narrating) - I attended the service in disguise, let's just say your Mother was quick to rebound.
Frank walks away from the service.
Frank (narrating) - I had to leave, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
End of Flashback.
Frank - But after hearing from Charlie about everything that had happened afterwards, I'm starting to think I made a terrible mistake.
They look at Evelyn, who's drinking some kind of liquor, courtesy of Berta, who's next to her, eating popcorn.
Berta - That was so sad.
She turns to Evelyn.
Berta - You're a horrible person.
Evelyn - What? I still would've left him, I had needs that he couldn't fulfill.
Frank - No, I definitely made the right choice.
Alan - So, wait a second, I have a question to ask you.
Frank - Shoot.
Alan - If you're here, then who's buried at your grave?
Frank - Nobody, just sand bags, and a dummy head. She took out a life insurance policy, and said I was dead.
Evelyn - I don't have to explain myself.
The others (Walden, Jake, Laura) enter the living room.
Walden - What's going on?
He looks at Frank, he knows who he is.
Walden - Oh, Hi, grandpa!
Frank - There's my grandson.
Alan - Y'all two know each other?
Frank pulls out an envelope.
Frank - Read the letter.
Alan opens the envelope, and reads the last letter.
Alan (Reading) - Dear, Alan, if you've read the entire letter so far, don't worry, this is the last one, I just wanted to tell you that one night I ran into a guy who looks just like dad, the next morning I discovered that it was dad, we talked again, buried the hatchet, and he's pretty cool, but don't tell mom, at least until she's on her deathbed, whenever that is, I think dad's presence might kill her, which I think is a brilliant idea. These are the last words, because I've written too much, goodbye, Carlos Francois Harper.
P.S., beware of Alan Cumming, he wasn't too happy that you used his good name, even though his last name is Cumming, he's probably still mad at me for "reasons".
P.P.S, I lied, the house actually belongs to Dad and Walden since I figured that Mom would try to convince you to sell it due to your financial problems, don't worry though, my lawyer handled everything, and Dad is probably grinning right now.
Alan looks over at Frank, who's smiling, like he just won the lottery, Evelyn looks angry.
The doorbell rings.
Alan - Now what?
He answers the door, a familiar face is there.
Alan - Gordon?
Gordon - Hey, Mr. Harper, got a delivery here from Charlie.
Alan - What is it?
Gordon turns around.
Gordon - Bring it in, guys!
They both get out of the way, as a pair of movers enter the house, they are carrying a rectangular shaped thing, wrapped in paper.
Gordon - Just remove the wrapping, and place it on the wall right there.
Alan - What is it?
Gordon - Something from the lawyers office.
Alan - You work in a Law firm?
Gordon - Yeah.
Alan - I thought you were still delivering pizzas.
Gordon - I still do that.
Alan - Really?
Gordon - Yeah. It gets me dates. Especially with the advice Charlie gave me.
Alan - Advice?
Gordon - A playbook.
The movers place the object in the wall, it's a portrait of Charlie, wearing a robe like Hugh Hefner, and holding a cigar, grinning.
Alan - It looks like he's smiling at me.
Gordon - Yup, just like he wanted.
Alan - Not surprised.
Gordon - See ya.
Gordon exits the house, and Alan closes the door, Judith and Herb enter the living room, Evelyn gets up.
Evelyn - I'm outta here.
She turns to Walden and Laura.
Evelyn - Walden, It was nice meeting you and your mother. I hope your nothing like your father.
Alan - Mom.
She turns to Alan.
Evelyn - I'll call you when I feel like it.
She then turns to Frank.
Evelyn - I'll see you in hell.
She walks out the door.
Frank - I'll send you a postcard from the heavenly gates!
He close the door. Him and Alan have a chuckle.
Alan - Was he serious about the house?
Frank - Oh, yeah, I think I'll stick around.
Judith and Herb head for the door.
Judith - We're leaving.
Alan - Judith, I'm sorry about...
Judith (interrupting) - I have nothing to say to you.
She walks out.
Alan - Herb, I'm sorry you had to hear that.
Herb - It's okay, it was bound to come out sooner or later.
Alan - What do you mean?
Herb - I actually had a vasectomy Before I married her.
Alan - What?
Herb - Plus, she does look like a female version of you.
Alan - Oh.
Herb - It's cool, I'll take care of her, but your paying for her schooling.
Alan - I am!?
Herb - Judith's words, not mine.
Alan - Son of a bitch.
Herb - I'll talk to her, might have to take care of my other kids.
Alan - You have other kids?
Herb - I was a donor at a sperm bank for years, before I had my operation, I told Charlie about it, he liked the idea, and he did it too.
Alan - And they pay money too. Why didn't neither of you told me about this?
Herb - Charlie thought it would be funny to tell you this when the word got out.
Judith (off screen) - Herb! Come on!
Herb - See you later.
Herb leaves the house, Alan is about to close the door, but is stopped by someone, the door opens, it's the actor, Alan Cumming, he looks upset.
Alan - Alan Cumming?
Cumming punches Alan in the face, knocking him down.
Alan Cumming - That's for ruining my good name.
He kicks Alan.
Alan - Ow.
Alan Cumming - That's for your brother stealing all of my dates.
Cumming leaves the house, Alan sits up.
Alan - But your last name is Cumming!
Alan Cumming (off screen)- Who bloody cares!
Laura sees to Alan, and helps him up, Frank closes the door.
Alan - Thanks.
Frank - We'll leave you two lovebirds alone.
Alan - Where are you going?
Frank - I'm gonna spend some time with my grandsons.
Jake - I get the feeling that Grandma doesn't like you that much.
Frank - Boys, let me tell you some stories about your grandmother.
They go out on the deck. Berta serves them champagne.
Berta - Alright, I'm out for the night, Zippy, don't make a mess.
Alan - I don't plan to.
Berta - Nice meeting you, Laura.
Laura - Same here.
Berta - Ever need a housekeeper, give me a call.
Laura - I'll do that.
Alan - Berta...
Berta (interrupting) - I have a salary, and you're too cheap. See you tomorrow.
She exits the house, Leaving Alan and Laura alone, they sit on the couch, and have some champagne.
Alan - So...how've you been?
Laura - I've been doing good, my singing career did well, after that I retired and focused on raising Walden, as a single mother.
Alan - I wished I'd known.
Laura - It's okay, Alan, we did fine, I got married to Mr. Schmid, Charlie was there.
Alan - That was nice of him.
Laura - He was there for the bridesmaids.
Alan - Not surprised, he did the same thing at my wedding.
Laura - Charlie was a good uncle, he always came out for almost every birthday, High School graduation, or party.
Alan - Ironic, he never did any of that for Jake when he was growing up.
Laura - He often spoke about you.
Alan - He did?
Laura - When he wasn't chasing skirts, or complaining about y'all's mother, he talked a lot.
Alan - That's my brother for you.
They have a few sips of champagne.
Alan - Honestly, I'd wish that I had known about you guys.
Laura - It's okay, Alan.
Alan - It's not okay, I mean, if I had known back then, I never would've married Judith, and maybe my life wouldn't have turned out the way it did, what with my divorce, leeching off my brother, my mom talking down on me...
Laura grabs his head, and they kiss, after about a minute, they pull apart.
Alan - Wow, you're a good kisser.
They kiss again, then break apart.
Laura - As are you.
Alan - Thanks.
She gets up.
Alan - Where are you going?
She grabs him by the hand.
Laura - Let's go upstairs.
Alan - Ok.
They both go upstairs.
End of Chapter Three.
(Author's Note: What did you think? Let me know, stay tuned for the next chapter.