Perspectives 2: John

I wanted to strangle him.

Elliot. I wanted to strangle Elliot. For dragging my little sis into a dangerous situation. For getting hurt the one person who would sit with me in a bar after a bad case and listen to me spout conspiracy theories because she knew I hated talking about my feelings but I desperately needed some company. For getting hurt the person who baked me cookies, for getting hurt the one person who sympathized with me against the cruelties my ex-wives inflicted on me, even if she didn't believe that Gwen had thrown my pet crocodile off the Brooklyn Bridge. Even if Olivia went off later and laughed at me, she never laughed at me to my face. Not like Elliot and Fin did. They didn't pretend to understand, or care, or sympathize. They laughed and mocked and needled. Yeah, it was meant in good fun, and they're guys; they're expected to react like that. But there were times when the humor and the sarcasm and the wit were just masks, shells for the hurt that I carried around at having so little to show for my years on the earth. It was those times I needed someone to listen, to sympathize, to understand. To care. There are girlfriends and there are girl friends. I gave up on girlfriends because I didn't need them anymore with Liv around.

She doesn't judge. She's patient, she cares, she understands. She knows instinctively when I need to be laughed with and when I need to be laughed at. She knows when I need to listen, and when I need to be listened to. I don't think Elliot knows how many times during the nights I've called her, especially after a case that hurts me so deeply I can't shake it when I go home. She listens to me, and a few nights when I was feeling really down she's shown up at my door after midnight, plunked down on my battered old couch, and watched old black and white movies with me no matter how ridiculous she says they are, until her eyes cross and she falls asleep on the other end of the couch.

I couldn't bear to lose that.

I don't think she knows how big a part of my life she's become. I don't think she knows that the only reason I'm still in this unit is because of her. I don't think she knows how important to me it is that when she decides to try a new holiday cookie recipe I'm the first to taste test it. I don't think she knows how important to me it is that she helps me shop for my ex-wives; when Christmas comes and I'm obliged to send them a present, she tells me if what I picked is going to be something they're going to like. When I forgot Gwen's birthday, Olivia picked something out and wrapped it and sent it for me so I wouldn't get my ass chewed off. I don't know how she manages to keep all of this straight in her head; I sure can't.

No, I don't want to strangle Elliot. He's important to her. All the way to the East side, I kept telling Don that they were okay, that she was okay. She'd called dispatch to tell them what was going on; that Chris Smallwood had been unexpectedly armed; that she'd been hit and it wasn't serious. We got out of the car, and at first all I could see was Chris Smallwood dead on the pavement. I'm so jaded that the sight of a body with a smashed head didn't make me feel any bit uneasy, isn't that sad? I thought maybe Liv and Elliot had just lost it with him and he'd fallen. Then I heard the terrible scream, and Elliot was calling for help, and the voice making those awful screams was Liv's.

I'm not a religious man; I've seen too much shit to feel any sort of belief in a God who would let this stuff happen to good people. But I found myself whispering God's name inaudibly when we stepped out on that rooftop and I saw Olivia with her arms at that sickening angle to her body, screaming in pain and terror and begging God for Elliot's safety. He was right next to her, begging her to stay with him, to stay alive, and she was so far gone she didn't even hear him. He had his hands pressed to the bullet wound in her shoulder, and she was bleeding all over his hands and her coat and the rooftop…I didn't think she could lose any more blood and still be alive.

I grabbed one of his arms, and Fin grabbed the other, and we dragged Elliot off her so the paramedics, right behind me, could get to work. He just collapsed, and I've never seen any man in such bad shape; he was literally falling apart, and his hands were caked with Olivia's blood, and I wanted to shout at him that he was her partner and he should have prevented this from happening. It would have been irrational; things happen, and we all know it could happen to any one of us, anytime, and knowing that was what helped me keep my mouth shut. Instead I held his arm and watched as they put her on a gurney and wheeled her off the rooftop toward the bus waiting below. Elliot stumbled blindly after them; out of pity, and because I had to get off the rooftop before anyone found out that my eyes weren't tearing from the cold wind, I followed him. I watched the ambulance go, and I wanted so badly to run for the sedan and follow it; I saw from the look in Cragen and Fin's eyes that they too wanted to follow her. She was the heart of our unit; if she died, how would we make it? If she didn't I would transfer. Somewhere else, or retire. Because the SVU had too many memories of her in it; if I stayed I'd sit there and stare at her desk and remember and it would tear me apart.

I remember when she first came; she looked all of us in the eye, and smiled, and I loved her smile the minute I saw it. Even if it did have too much sadness in it, too much pain and darkness. I cracked some sort of lame joke—I've never remembered what it was I said—and she laughed as she shook my hand. I was disappointed that I already had Monique and Elliot was next in line for a partner, but the disappointment soon turned to hope when she and Elliot had their rocky beginning. Monique wasn't really my type and the SVU was rough on her, so predictably she didn't last long. I kept waiting for things between Olivia and Elliot to fall apart so that I could ask for her to be assigned to me, but after that night in the bar with Freeman, she ran out and Elliot followed her. I followed them, and sat in my car, parked a half-block away, and watched him chase her around the block until they ended back at his car. I don't know what it was they said, but something must have gotten resolved at some point during that conversation, because the next day when they started working there was no sniping, no picking on each other.

And Elliot had suddenly managed to get her approval to the nickname 'Liv'.

I'd called her 'Livy' a few times, and she politely but firmly informed me that she hated that nickname. If she didn't like Elliot calling her 'Liv' she would have said something, and when she didn't I cautiously adopted the nickname too. It fit her; despite what I now knew of her past, she's so full of life that a room brightens when she's in it. At least for me.

So, realizing that Elliot was what she wanted, I settled back to keep an eye on her. I had no illusions about whether she'd ever see me as anything more than a friend; even with the age difference, I would drive her crazy in a week. I knew enough about her to know that. Elliot, though…I've cherished a few dreams about how they'd be if they got together; He's not the guy I would have picked for her, but she loves him. It frustrates me and Fin that neither of them realizes it. I realized that she loved him right after Kathy divorced Elliot; he went running to that head shrinker, and Olivia…Olivia dealt with her disappointment and frustration and loneliness by sleeping with a lot of different guys in a fairly short (for her) span of time. I was afraid for her; self-destruction was something I was very familiar with, and I didn't want to see the woman I cared about self-destruct.

I knew how pissed-off she would be if she knew I was keeping an eye on her. She's very independent, fiercely so, and anything that threatens that independence is something that needs to be fought against. So I didn't let her know; I kept my distance. Even when she started going out with Harry Cooper, from Vice; he was an asshole, and I swear she must have been drunk the night she picked him up at the bar and took him home with her. She saw him twice more that week; and I just barely restrained myself both nights when I saw him touching her uninvited; trying to make out with her in a crowded bar. Olivia's a very private person; she'd never do that in public. She tried to rebuff him a few times, and I came this close to stepping in when I saw him almost force her knees apart under the table with his leg so he could touch hers. I must have tensed; because Don and Fin both looked around, saw what I saw, and I swear Don looked like he was going to belt Cooper. He didn't, but the next day he asked me to keep an eye on her, privately. Which I was already doing, but he didn't need to know that. Don treats her like one of his kids; I know he thinks of all of us as his kids, but Olivia has a special place in his heart. She's the daughter he always wanted but never had; when she takes risks on the job (she's such a good cop that risks on the job generally pay off) she gets into more trouble with 'Don-the-father' than with 'Don-the-Captain'.

Anyway, a week after that incident she came to work with a bruised fist and a grim face. And just like that, the day after she was her normal self, back again; single, comfortable, and happy with it. It was as if whatever fight she had with Harry Cooper let her take out her frustrations on him rather than Elliot, and all was right with her world as soon as she did it. And then, about two weeks afterward, Elliot left Dr. Hendrix at the bar and came to sit at our table with us, and suddenly everything was all right with our little family again. After that, he and Liv seemed to come to an understanding, or at least she did, because she never let herself get so upset by something he did again. She took everything in stride, kicked his ass when he needed it kicked, and covered it when she thought he needed it covered.

Up till now. I think seeing something happen to her suddenly woke Elliot up; I've been watching him over the last week, and he's been staring at her obsessively whenever he thought she wasn't looking. I think that after seeing Freeman in the bar a week ago he realized that his feelings for Olivia ran a little deeper than 'partnerly'. He's been reluctant to tell her so, but I think seeing her in so much pain on that rooftop made him realize that life is finite and he needed to tell her he loves her before something happens and he never gets a chance to.

Fin and I drove to the hospital in silence; I was thinking about Liv, and Fin…I assume he was too but I wasn't going to pry and try to guess. We walked in and saw Elliot, and I have never seen Elliot so lost. He looked as lost as I would feel if Olivia were no longer in my life; sick and terrified and at odds with himself. It didn't help that his hands and his clothes were smeared with Olivia's blood.

And then Don came in with two of Elliot's kids; Maureen and Kat. They didn't even acknowledge my presence, or Fin's; they went straight to Elliot, hugged him, and in the same breath asked about Olivia. I felt my eyebrows rise into my hairline; I hadn't known she was that important to them. Did Kathy know? I wondered if she'd use that as leverage over Elliot; after having four ex-wives, I knew what leverage was, and what could be used as leverage. This certainly counted.

Then the doc came out and told us she was going to be okay, and that we could see her. I saw the light in Elliot and his girls' eyes, and I grabbed Fin's arm and took him in there quickly. We'd pay our respects first, quickly, and then let Olivia's new family take over.

She lay in the hospital bed, looking really tired and pale, and I wanted to kill Chris Smallwood all over again when I saw the heavy bandaging on both shoulders, and the way she lay as still as possible so as not to aggravate the pain. She managed a weak smile, but after telling her that I was glad she was all right and I would handle her cases until she got back, I took my leave (And Fin and Don too, because I knew my face wasn't the one she wanted to see; it was Elliot's).

I was relieved to see her when she came in the next day. She looked better than she did when I'd seen her in the hospital; her skin was back to its dusky olive hue, and even though her movement was still stilted, due to the sling and the bandage on the other shoulder, she smiled and gave me an awkward hug. I exchanged glances with Fin when Elliot eased her coat off her shoulders…and she didn't snap at him for treating her like a breakable piece of crystal. If he'd tried to do that a few days ago she'd have taken his head off for him. Then she and Elliot headed for Cragen's office.

There is a reason I keep two shot glasses in the lower drawer of my desk.

As soon as the door closed Fin and I were holding those shot glasses to the door listening with all our might. She and Elliot told Don what happened; told him about the shooting, the gun, her catch of them both. I heard the catch in her voice when she skipped over how much pain she was in; she didn't want to hurt any of us with the telling, but we'd all heard her screams. Falling to his death was too kind for Chris Smallwood; I would have liked to put him in front of one of Hitler's firing squads, or maybe in Auschwitz…

I hear Don mention my name, and I stiffen. Don's trying to convince them that if he'd sent me or Fin with Elliot, this wouldn't have happened. He's talking about assigning them both to different partners so they could still work for him. I heard Olivia mention the Two-Seven, but as much as I liked Joe Fontana and Ed Green, I couldn't see them with Liv. I couldn't see her being happy in Homicide; Homicide would be too clinical for her. She couldn't empathize with a corpse, she couldn't help a child's body. She needed living victims to justify what she did for a living, to justify her life. Homicide would kill her.

Don's going to break up their partnership, at least on paper, and assign them both to work with Fin and me. We barely manage to make it back to our seats and stow the glasses before they both come out, talking in low voices to each other. With a nod in our direction, they leave. I stare after them, thinking. Who would I rather work with? Who would Cragen likely put her to work with?

"It's gonna be you," Fin says suddenly, drawing my attention to the partner request form he's just shoved across the desk at me. I notice he has one in his hand too, and as I look, he puts it down and starts scribbling his name on it.

"What's going to be me?"

"Liv. Cragen's gonna put her with you. I'm gonna get Elliot."

"I don't want Liv." It's an automatic denial, but as soon as it leaves my lips I realize it's true. Part of what makes what Liv and I have so special to me is that I don't see her every day, so when we do get together, we have enough to talk about that we don't fall into that awkward silence that I hate. We update each other on cases, and sometimes talking to her about something I have open helps me solve a case. She looks at a case with a woman's perspective, something completely alien to me as a man. I value that difference. I don't want to work with her.

Fin stares at me. "You'd rather work with Elliot?"

"Yeah." I pick up a pen and start filling out the form. If I worked with Elliot I'd be able to keep an eye on him. I'd be able to tell him when he's about to do something that's going to hurt Liv. I'd be able to knock some sense into his head when he needs it.

I could continue to be Liv's big brother.

Captain Cragen raises an eyebrow when Fin tells him he'll work with Liv and I'd work with Elliot. I know he was expecting to put me with Liv; the fact that we decided on our own makes him wonder. And so he asks.

"Been there, done that. I've given up on finding true love of my own, Don, but that doesn't mean I can't recognize when two other people have it. If El screws up with Liv it'll break her heart, and I don't want to see that happen if I can help it." I'm honest, as always.

I see Don weighing our reasons, thinking about what he'd planned to do, and then deciding it's a measure of how much he trusts us that he decides to let his kids make their own decisions. "All right."

Fin closes the captain's door behind me. "Well, this is going to be interestin'."

I agree wholeheartedly. The next few months are going to be very…interesting.