I can't honestly say that I'm happy with this chapter, I feel that Sesshoumaru is too out of character, but given the circumstances, living arrangements, and the enviroment he grew up in maybe I'm just worrying too much. Although I'd appreciate any comments or suggestions, I just might rewrite this chapter later.
"You're not alone, are you?"
"Never... Never."
Chapter 7
"We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find a new course."
Arthur Golden - Memoirs of a Geisha
Sesshoumaru walked into his apartment and promptly collapsed on the couch, not bothering to walk to his bedroom where a large soft bed was located; there was not any energy left to spare for that. For the past two months, not two weeks, two months he spent his time reacquainting himself with several of the female youkai that he knew, hoping to find a suitable mate. Finding a youkai was not the problem; the problem was finding one he tolerated: a youkai not obsessed with herself, beautiful, well cultured, graceful, well mannered, and interesting to converse with, these qualities he looked for in vain. Rin often told him that he wished for too much, expected too much, and he ought to marry a porcelain doll with recorded messages if he really wanted all that in a mate, however, a porcelain doll could not provide heirs. Sesshoumaru groaned inwardly, he spent far too much time with Rin; it was unhealthy for his mind and pride as proven by the thoughts running through his mind and the previous comment, a porcelain doll indeed - she ought to know that porcelain was too cold and recorded messages grew old.
'Honestly Sesshoumaru-kun that hubris of yours will lead to your downfall one of these days maybe you should join Hubris Anonymous, I hear that the program is exceptional.'
Sesshoumaru snorted, there was nothing wrong with having hubris so long as he knew when to ignore his pride, and honestly Rin overreacted far too much. Every time one of his escapades failed she constantly reassured him that perhaps the next one or the one after, reminding him not to lose hope and offering suggestions-unwanted derogatory comments as well. He ought to call her, to inform her how disastrous his afternoon was, how another attempt at "wooing" a youkai blew up in his face, and how another piece of his pride was stripped from him-although she might divest him of his remaining pride if he told her everything. Sesshoumaru decided that, at the moment, the call was unimportant, besides he barely had the strength to keep his eyes open let alone walk towards the coffee table, pick up his cell phone, dial Rin's number and keep his wits about him as he ticked off the day's events. Besides, he thought, Rin did not need to know everything that occurred in his life, she didn't even ask him to tell of his day, she merely made comments that he sounded tired, and then he revealed everything. At this Sesshoumaru sat up, all vestiges of fatigue vanished; the revelation startled him it was impossible inconceivable-he bared his soul to a ningen; he willingly told a ningen his problems and felt no regrets over it. Sesshoumaru fell against the couch, his contemplations drained him of his remaining strength and he prayed to whatever gods above for a dreamless sleep and for sleep to overcome him quickly-his mind jumbled.
Evidently the gods pitied the exhausted inu youkai and sleep overcame him like an ocean wave, and it was a dream filled sleep- filled with dreams that disappeared as he awoke forgotten and erased from his memories. Sesshoumaru's cell phone rang; he recognized the ring tone as the one set for his Father, Sesshoumaru answered the phone quickly all the time wondering the motive behind the sudden call.
"Moshimoshi," Sesshoumaru said.
"Konnichiwa, Sesshoumaru," came the voice of Inutaisho.
"Konnichiwa Father, to what do I owe this sudden call?"
"I heard about your recent interest in female youkai, it appears that many of my business partners also noticed the sudden change in your interests towards their daughters and friends' daughters. Given the amount of reports I received, I take it that the search is not going as well as you like. May I suggest that you also pay attention to the female ningens and not just the female youkai, it may be that the mate you seek is amongst the ningens."
"Your concern overwhelms me, Father, however the advice you gave me is unneeded and undesired I refuse to mate a ningen, I will not deign myself in such a way. I refuse to make the same mistake that you did, I will marry a youkai for no ningen is worthy of my company."
"Not even your artistic friend Rin, who might I add is also a ningen, is she unworthy as well? You are a hypocrite my son, listen to yourself speaking so condescendingly about ningens and yet your best friend is a ningen. I sometimes I pity the girl, for she cares about you-someone not deserving of such attention from someone as pure and benevolent as her," at this Inutaisho hung up on his eldest son, not bothering to say goodbye.
Sesshoumaru stared at his cell phone, his Father's final words, disapproving, echoing in his head, turning, twisting, turning, and circling him as predators circle their prey. He sighed and dialed Rin's number; half hoping that she wouldn't answer his guilty conscience snapping at him, telling him that his father spoke the truth-he was a hypocrite.
"Moshimoshi," came Rin's sleepy voice and this alarmed Sesshoumaru. Rin never slept during the day, perhaps she was ill, or perhaps -whispered the treacherous side of his mind- perhaps she did not spend the night at her apartment perhaps she spent it in the company of someone other than him.
"Konnichiwa, Rin, I am sorry to have disturbed you, genki desu ka?"
"It's nothing important Sesshoumaru-kun," replied Rin with a vociferous yawn, "and it's rather embarrassing really," she mumbled something incoherent.
"What is really embarrassing Rin?"
"I stayed up all night working on a project; I couldn't bring myself to stop. Besides, you don't sound to energetic," she yawned once more, "yourself, are you okay?"
"Nothing more than experiencing another afternoon with another insane female youkai, at this rate I will know the flaws of every eligible female youkai in Japan, and soon travel to Europe to interview the youkai there."
Rin laughed, mimicking the sound of tinkling bells, "That bad, are you sure you're not exaggerating by any chance Sesshoumaru-kun? Don't give up, I'm sure the love of your life is around here somewhere, its just finding her that you need to worry about and of course if she's betrothed to anyone you'd be in a terrible mess."
"Thank you for your support," Sesshoumaru muttered tightly, "and maybe the love of my life, as you so romantically put it, does not exist or maybe she does exist - in dreams."
"Oh come on Sesshoumaru-kun," another yawn, "don't be so pessimistic, honestly how can you hope to attract a female if you surround yourself in gloom, any female that tolerates your gloominess is an anomaly. Wait, I tolerate your gloominess, ignore everything I just said about being an anomaly, I'll think up another word to describe it later."
Perhaps it was the strain and mental exhaustion he felt but whatever the cause Sesshoumaru laughed, a true laugh, at Rin, tired did not begin to describe her at the moment, obviously she was dead on her feet her comments proved that.
"Sesshoumaru-kun are you laughing?" Rin asked her voice panicked, "Who are you and what have you done to the real Sesshoumaru and why are you calling me I don't have enough money to pay ransom for him, wait that makes no sense he's an inu youkai he can defend himself. SESSHOUMARU-KUN!"
Sesshoumaru finally composed himself enough to calm the distressed Rin, "Calm down Rin, I'm right here and I wasn't kidnapped, attacked or possessed by anything. Perhaps, I ought to let you go to bed and sleep and call you when you're more alert and able to think properly," amusement leaked through his words.
"I think that I agree with you," she yawned, "and don't you scare me like that, I thought that maybe my mind took a one-way trip to insanity."
"I'll call you back later. Good-bye."
"Bye."
"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them."
Jane Austen
"Please tell me that you're kidding, I did not honestly say that over the phone," Rin whispered obviously horrified as she looked up from her piece of scratchboard.
"You do not remember, Rin" Sesshoumaru asked an amused smirk on his pale face.
"I only remember vague details from our conversation, things like "insane female youkai," anomalies, you, just meaningless fragments."
"Do you honestly believe that I am joking about what you told me over the phone?"
"Normally I'd say of course, but knowing you as well as I do I must admit that the probability of that is one in infinity. Does that answer your question, Sesshoumaru-kun?" Rin looked at him and continued before he answered, "It's getting close to noon, feel like going to the Akabeko for lunch and then wandering around Tokyo, maybe hit a couple of bookstores and art stores, it'll be my treat."
Sesshoumaru contemplated her offer, true he felt no desire to go to an art store with all the smells of acrylic, oil, and tempera paint as well as the paper and inks all merged together to forma pungent odor that seeped into his clothes and encased him like a cloud. However, the prospect of eating at the Akabeko did outweigh the horrible idea of an art store, and she did mention bookstores, "Very well Rin, let us go to the Akaeko."
The two walked down the sidewalk in amiable silence, to any other person walking down the street the silence might easily be mistaken for resentment emitting from the male due to some heartless action or words the petite female beside did or said. Sesshoumaru did not enjoy walking down the streets due to the fact that his senses where overwhelmed by the stench of car exhaust, cigarette smoke, perfumes, body lotions, soaps, shampoos, honking horns, a tasteless medley of music from various sources and the ningens themselves. Rin was unquestionably lucky, he decide because her ningen senses where not as brutalized as his by the normal "hustle and bustle" of living in a large city, and for that he felt the slightest twinge of envy but quickly stamped the feeling out. Honestly, he mentally reprimanded himself, feeling jealousy over a ningen the notion was ludicrous, degrading, and abhorrent to his youkai and all of his kind, ancestors long deceased included. Rin's excited voice and sudden movement, "Kagome-chan! Inuyasha-kun!" tore Sesshoumaru from his inner musings. Sesshoumaru gazed in Rin's direction and saw that it was indeed his worthless hanyou half-brother, and the raven-haired miko he always spent his time with and Sesshoumaru inwardly believed that Inuyasha was in love with the ningen and felt surprised that it did not repulse him. Both parties exchanged pleasantries, rather Rin greeted both Kagome and Inuyasha who returned her greetings while Sesshoumaru stood silently off to the side and Inuyasha glared at him, but said nothing he didn't dare pick a fight with his brother under Kagome's watchful eye and in Rin's presence.
The truth of the matter was that, Inuyasha liked Rin, a talented artist and a good friend, he respected her not only because of that but also because she managed to garner Sesshoumaru's attention and empathy, a truly amazing feat. If Rin was able to tolerate Sesshoumaru, then Inuyasha knew that he was capable of spending time with his brother but it did not mean he needed to enjoy that time. The former duo, now a quartet continued walking to the Akabeko, after both Rin and Kagome decided to spend the day together rather than in separate groups, Inuyasha knew better than to argue with Kagome and Sesshoumaru did not want to upset Rin by abruptly leaving her. Inuyasha felt unsure of his control over his irritation and resentment laced with hurt, fearing that it might not endure eating a meal with his older brother, given their close proximity- much smaller normal, whenever coerced to spend time in each others presence. However, regardless of his apathy towards Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha knew better than to lose control over his emotions, this was not the time nor the place nor the proper company to display such emotions and he never started fight with Sesshoumaru in Rin's presence, one of their unspoken agreements. What ludicrous notion caused Rin to extend an invitation of friendship to Sesshoumaru of all youkai of ningens he did not know just as he did not know what caused Sesshoumaru to accept her invitation and spend so much time cultivating a lasting bond of friendship with her. Inuyasha felt perplexed by his brother's actions, he knew that Sesshoumaru did not act on mere whims, he knew that Sesshoumaru loathed all ningens and yet here he was spending time with one and actually enjoying her presence, it was mind boggling. Nevertheless, he knew not to question Sesshoumaru's actions, however, if Sesshoumaru ever hurt Rin's feelings Inuyasha vowed to extract retribution for every tear that fell from her eyes, although he suspected that both Kouga and Miroku felt the same way- not to mention Sango, Ayame and of course Kagome. Yes, Inuyasha thought, there was no doubt in his mind that Sesshoumaru knew that escaping unscathed from all of them combined was nearly impossible (and no doubt with Father's anger added to the fray), it served as assurance that Rin's emotions were safe. Inuyasha sat down next to Kagome at the low wooden table inside the Akabeko, unfortunately Sesshoumaru sat directly across from him and next to him sat Rin, right then and there Inuyasha decided that the day not just the meal was lost- he hoped this sadistic torture ended soon.
"- necrophiliac," Rin told Kagome jarring Inuyasha from his contemplations regarding the inner workings of Sesshoumaru's mind.
"WHOAH! Hang on, I totally came in at the wrong part of that conversation and I don't think that I want to know what was said, might give me nightmares or cause me to lose my appetite. Must you two discuss such degenerate topics before I eat?"
"Cause heaven forbid you lose your appetite Inuyasha, that is indisputably the worst thing that might ever happen," Kagome muttered sarcastically.
"Glad to know you and I are on the same page, wench, next time think before you speak- that's why you got a brain."
"Inuyasha," Kagome growled as Sesshoumaru raised a delicate eyebrow amused at his brother's ignorance and stupidity, "you are insufferable. Why don't you just shut up."
"Inuyasha, perhaps you ought to listen to your woman and shut your mouth before she attempts to inflict physical injury upon you, and of course I will not meddle -merely observe," Sesshoumaru said a smirk on his pale face.
Inuyasha glared at Sesshoumaru, his cheeks tinged pink at the fact that Sesshoumaru called Kagome his woman, "She's not my woman Sesshoumaru so don't call her that. You honestly think I'd choose this nagger as my mate?"
Kagome stared at Inuyasha eyes wide and glassy, Sesshoumaru noticed the brackish sent of tears coming from her, obviously the ningen harbored feelings for his idiotic and tactless brother, and Inuyasha being an idiot hurt her feelings in attempting to mask his own. The ningen sniffed, her bottom lip trembled and Sesshoumaru watched the horror and guilt slowly crept into Inuyasha's eyes as he realized the callousness of his actions and then came the pain as Kagome whispered Inuyasha's name. Sesshoumaru shook his head disdainfully at his brother, "Tactless," he said and the dam broke Kagome jumped up from the table and ran off while Inuyasha stared after her. "Inuyasha," Sesshoumaru began, "Are you going to sit there staring after her like a whipped pup or are you going to go apologize to her and tell her your true emotions, for if you are willing to hurt her like that then you do not deserve her."
Inuyasha almost turned to glare at Sesshoumaru but instead he looked at the place were Kagome once sat and stood up and jogged in the direction he saw her run, not sparing the final two occupants of the table.
"Ano, Sesshoumaru-kun," Rin began uncertainly while staring at Inuyasha's retreating form, "do you think that we ought to follow Inuyasha-kun, he does not make the clearest apologies."
"Iie," Rin stared at hi in shock, "I told Inuyasha that I would not interfere, and I shall not interefere with such a trivial matter, he needs to learn and this will sere as a valuable lesson for him, perhaps he will not make the same mistake again."
"All right, Sesshoumaru-kun, if your sure that Inuyasha is capable of handling this situation I will trust your judgment even if I do not share your confidence."
"I never said Inuyasha was capable of handling the situation, I merely stated that it is better that we not interfere if Inuyasha is to learn this lesson properly, one cannot continue to run behind him and clean up all his mistakes." At Rin's uncertain stare he added, "I understand that she is your friend and that you can not tolerate her being hurt but given the nature of her," he paused, "her relationship with Inuyasha I am sure that any attempts at apologizing that he makes will suffice to quell her anger and pain."
"Perhaps Sesshoumaru-kun, perhaps, but I still don't feel right just sitting her and waiting for them to return-if they return that is."
"They will return, Rin, perish the thoughts from your head, the matter is between them ad not us, and it is better to remain neutral in situations such as this."
"Hai," she reluctantly agreed.
Their food arrived but neither Inuyasha nor Kagome returned from their excursion, and Rin grew more worried as the time passed and started to fidget.
"Calm yourself Rin," Sesshoumaru remarked while he picked up his chopsticks, "they are coming now."
Rin looked up and saw that he spoke the truth, both Inuyasha and Kagome were coming towards them, Kagome's eyes were read and puffy from crying and Inuyasha appeared much more subdued than before. The four ate their meal in relative silence, Inuyasha and Kagome avoiding each others eyes-obviously things still remained unsaid between the two, that or they were too embarrassed to look at each other. Rin fervently hoped it was the latter, and that Sesshoumaru was right in believing that Inuyasha and Kagome were capable of fixing their own problems, however, she still felt the slightest twinge of doubt. As the day progressed, however, Inuyasha and Kagome relaxed and soon fall back into their companionable ways, the occasional arguments, random comments occasional rebukes and infectious laughter and exasperation. The group went to the bookstore where both Sesshoumaru and Rin bought several new books while Kagome perused the shelves and Inuyasha fought off immense boredom by reading manga. The art store was also visited, however, Inuyasha as Sesshoumaru made a point of crossing the street and gazing at the shop window directly across from it to avoid entering the store filled with the most repulsive array of scents. Rin bought several bags of supplies while Kagome merely bought a new sketchbook and a new set of compressed graphite sticks as well as a set of assorted sketching crayons. Sesshoumaru, noticing that the bags probably weighed a hefty amount took several of the bags out of Rin's hands and carried them for her while they continued to spend the day wandering around Tokyo, all the while admonishing himself from neglecting his duties to his Father's business (even though there was someone taking over his duties while he was gone) and vowing to return home and work, soon.
"Where so many hours have been spent in convincing myself that I am right, is there not some reason to fear I may be wrong?"
Jane Austen
Sesshoumaru recognized the scent before he heard the knock on his apartment door; instantly he felt the bloodlust enter his veins-hanyou his mind whispered filthy hanyou but another long-buried part whispered aniki in a subdued voice. He answered the door fully intending on sending Inuyasha back to the street by any means necessary, even if it meant throwing him out a window or down the stairs, the uneasy truce between them only applied to when they were in Rin's presence (or Father's) and most certainly did not apply in his apartment.
"Listen, Sesshoumaru, before you try to throw me out we need to talk-about Rin, more specifically your relationship with her."
"My relationship, as you put it, with Rin is none of your concern and it is strictly platonic- which is more than I can say for you and that ningen who reeks of miko."
"Bullshit, Sesshoumaru, that's bullshit and you know it. You constantly antagonize me for associating myself with ningens, for being a hanyou, for having a human mother, you say that you will never deign yourself to my level-befriending ningens. And yet here you are having a relationship with a ningen, an enviable camaraderie that happened almost effortlessly. Damn it, Sesshoumaru, you even humor her! Any demon who saw the two of you together might event think that you held a great affection for her, much greater than that of mere friends. You protect her, indulge her, hellFather even thinks you hold some degree of love for her. To what extent I have no idea, but its evident that these feelings are deeper than that of a platonic relationship."
"What I do or do not do to Rin is none of your concern, Inuyasha, as is who I choose to befriend."
"Look, Sesshoumaru, I've got no desire to take your place in Father's company-we both know how incapable I'd be at managing it, just as we both know that you need to find a mate and soon. I know you've been looking at female youkai, and I know none of them are what you are looking for, stop being do condescending towards ningens, you tolerate Rin well enough."
"I will not mate Rin."
Inuyasha glared at Sesshoumaru, "And I don't want you to, neither does anyone else. Rin deserves someone who'll love her, someone who'll take care of her, not someone who just wants to marry her so he won't lose his inheritance. She deserves someone better than you. Hell, even if you do love her, you'd never let her know would you? You'd keep treating her indifferently or just like a friend even if you two were mated and that would hurt her more. Your so damn stubborn and so caught up in your bigotry that you'd refuse to acknowledge the best thing that ever happened to you, just because of your damned pride and reputation. I know Rin probably offered to become your mate, she cares about you enough to sacrifice herself in that way, but I don't want you taking her up on that offer unless you truly see her more than a means to an end."
"I told her no, Inuyasha, I would never use her in such a dishonorable way and I see her as much more than a means to an end."
"But you'd use a female youkai in such a way that alone speaks volumes Sesshoumaru, listen to yourself, you value Rin much more than you value a female youkai. You care about her Sesshoumaru."
"I do not love her."
"I never said you did, but you'd say that even if you did, you've probably told yourself over and over that you merely care about her as a friend and nothing more because you'd rather lie to yourself than admit that you've fallen in love with a ningen. If you have no other choice, if you exhaust all of your other options, if –and only if- Rin is still willing to have you I won't stand in your way of mating her but mark my words Sesshoumaru if you hurt her, make her miserable, or cast her aside I will take great pleasure I killing you. Of course I'd have to stand in like 'cause Miroku, Kouga, Ayame, Sango, Kagura, not to mention Kagome would also be after your head."
Sesshoumaru merely nodded at Inuyasha, he did not doubt the veracity his words and said, "I wouldn't have it any other way."
Inuyasha nodded and turned to leave, "Good."
And if this is what it takes
just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine
My Konstantine
They'll never hurt you like I do
No, They'll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No
This is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
Hey, You know you keep me up in bed
It's to a girl who got into my head
with all these fucked up things I did
Something Corporate – Konstantine 2001 (Welcome to the Family Version)
Sketching crayons- they're not really crayons in the normal sense of the word- don't think Crayola crayons or stuff like that, they're actually a lot like the compressed graphite sticks but in varying degrees of color the only difference aside from the colors is that normally they don't smear as well but that's what colorless blenders are for I guess