Chapter One: Hunting, Canning, and How Padfoot Gets Laid

disclaimer: they're not technically mine to have and to hold, but I can still use Sirius for sex whenever I want! (J.K. promised me- as long as he's dead in the story, he can hang in my closet!)

On a typically uneventful winter morning, Sirius Black arrived at the breakfast table in a hunting jacket and hat, holding a rifle and wearing an overlarge pair of muddy boots. Receiving mere glances from the other tables (who were by now rather familiar with his strange sense of humor and collection of odd outfits) he was disappointed to find that none of his friends had taken any special interest in his choice of clothing.

"Do you notice anything different about me today?" He asked as he browsed through the collection of cereal, arriving on his usual choice of Fizzbang Fudgies.

"You're wearing plaid," Remus Lupin said, looking up from the book in his hands. "You know you look horrible in plaid. You need stripes, Sirius, stripes." (author's note: any coincidence to Sirius' later wearing them in prison is entirely coincidental)

"And why do you have a gun?" James Potter asked, curious as to know why his friend was toting a muggle weapon. Actually, Sirius didn't have a gun anymore, seeing as McGonagall had just swooped in like the Green (tartan) Lantern and removed it from his person, leaving behind a detention note and strangely enough, the smell of Dumbledore's aftershave. The Headmaster arrived promptly after his deputy Headmistress, looking very pleased with himself. None of the students dared wonder why.

"Today, in case you sots forgot to notice, is opening day."

"For what?" Peter Pettigrew looked up from Strawberry Toasties, his face contorted into extreme confusion. "Can you hunt mice? I don't think you can hunt mice."

"No Peter, you cannot hunt mice." Remus said in a dull tone, his eyes remaining on the page before him. "Nor can you hunt frogs, hummingbirds, or people. We have been over this."

Sirius was growing irritated by their ignorance, and continued with a loud 'a-hem.'

"Opening day for the hunting of-"

"Do you think you can shoot a hummingbird?" Peter cut in, looking at Remus hopefully. "I hope not. Hummingbirds are very pretty, don't you think? Puppies can be pretty, too." (author's note: and to think he becomes a death eater, I know)

"No one has ever shot a hummingbird." James frowned. "Unless they had a very good gun. That would be a wicked gun."

Sirius bit his lip so as to prevent himself from screaming.

"I'm afraid my knowledge of guns is rather lacking." Remus said, sounding bored again, his eyes STILL on that darn book. "What are they for again?"

"Shooting things, I guess." James said, reaching across the table and taking some of Lupin's waffle when he did not notice. "Sirius and I just use them for-"

"Can you shoot a bug?" Peter suddenly asked.

"No, Peter." Remus laid his exasperated head in the pages of his book.

"Does anyone CARE to know why I am dressed like a moronic hunter?" Sirius finally cried out.

"Not really." Remus said as he pulled his head from the book. James was not even paying attention; he was preoccupied with the red-head who had suddenly walked in through the Great Hall's entrance, a crowd of teenage girls giggling around her.

"Don't you think she has nice legs?" James smiled dreamily. "I think she has nice legs."

"Who?" Remus stared down the table as well. Peter frowned, following their eye and making a face.

"You think McGonagall has nice legs?" He cried, sticking out his tongue in disgust.

Remus turned Peter's head with a weary hand. "Other direction, Pete."

Sirius growled in a rather dog-like manner and dunked his hunting hat into the bowl of Fizzbang Fudgies, nodding obviously at the sign hanging from the other end of the Great Hall.

"The Hogwarts Theatrical Company Presents: A Spring Revue- AUDTIONS TODAY." Remus read, frowning slightly. "So we're putting on a play. How does this have anything to do with hunting season?"

"Because it's opening day!" Sirius cried, waving his arms around and looking a bit like a gopher playing touch football with a rock.

"Not this again…" Remus moaned, his forehead going to the book again.

"Opening season for what?" Peter asked hopefully, his eyes widening as though he had not just heard this entire conversation 2.5 seconds ago.

"Hunting women, of course." Sirius said, smiling with a smug look of satisfaction at finally reaching the punch line. Everyone blinked blankly at him, much to his disappointment. James did not blink at all, as he was imagining himself tapping that ass on Lily Evans.

"I think it sounds nice." Peter said, smiling congenially. Remus rolled his eyes and continued to stare blankly at Sirius.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well Moony, for those of us who are not in tune with the seasonal blossoming of feminine charm, a school play can only mean one thing."

"Singing?" Remus offered in his purely bored voice.

"Gophers?" Peter mused, thinking very hard.

"Nice cans..." James said dreamily, grinning rather disgustingly to himself.

"Yes, exactly!" Sirius said, clapping James on the back. James ignored the gesture and strained very hard to stare at the receding back of Lily Evans. "Someone understands what I'm talking about! Good man, Prongs!"

"There's canned goods at the play?" Peter asked, his mouth hanging open. "Wow! That's so cool!"

Sirius ignored him. "Everyone knows the best way to get lucky is to join the school play."

"When did everyone learn this?" Remus asked, "Why did I not hear about this?"

"I don't know, dear, no one tells you about these sorts of things anyway." Sirius said quickly, brushing his friend's comment away. "So?" He gave them all a grin. "Brilliant, right?"

Remus frowned. "I'm confused. What exactly are you doing?"

Sirius groaned again. "I'm trying out for the school play, of course! What the bloody hell else would I be doing?"

"Hunting?"

"That was in a metaphorical sense, and representative of the implication of joining the play, Moony." Sirius hit himself with his spoon.

"But everyone knows you can't act." Remus said matter-of-factly. "And you can't dance, Padfoot."

"You suck!" Peter said with a friendly smile.

"Thanks for that, Pete." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Honestly, you're all so negative. You'd think I was completely worthless and had no talent whatsoever."

Remus shrugged. "But you are completely worthless and have no talent whatsoever."

"No matter. They don't have anybody teaching here that has any proficient knowledge of music or theater. I just have to read my lines and my manly charm will do the rest."

"And if you don't get a part?"

"Set design, babe." Sirius grinned again. "It's a win-win situation."

Remus shook his head. "You have the weirdest schemes for getting laid, Padfoot."