Hi guys! This story comes with a big warning: it won't be for everyone, and it is absolutely not a romance. Just when you think I'm gonna give you a nice little love story, I shall RIP IT AWAY FROM YOU. If you're not into this kinda stuff (365 Days, 50 Shades of Grey), no biggie, I'll catch you on the next one. It will be kink-heavy and dark (not in the way my last one was about trauma, but more in dark sexual themes). Basically if you liked the start of WAYDTM but thought: 'Hey, I wish she'd just leaned into James being actually evil and having NO redemption arc in sight,' this may be for you! Let's keep it a happy and kink-shame free zone please.

Also, while a lot of WAYDTM was about James' growth, this story will be about Lily's fall from grace/sexual corruption. I have previously written her as a very strong character, and she will be less so here.

**Don't actually sleep with a homicidal maniac, guys. Just read about it ;)

*** Warning: rough sex, threesome, voyeurism, exhibitionism, bondage, emotional manipulation, blackmailing, extremely poor life choices… There will probably be scenes where you're like: wow, this is really fucked up. But I wanna write them? I know a lot of people don't like reading toxic relationships so this is your WARNING! (I'm probably doing overkill here, but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable/waste your time. Please take this note seriously.)

I was also wonderfully inspired by baguette2016's story Ruin. If you haven't read it yet and Dark James is your jam, I cannot recommend it enough.

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. Art work by the super talented blvnk-art (tumblr) aka potterbyblvnk (insta)

Song: Secrets and Lies by Ruelle

The Assignment

This shouldn't keep happening.

She was a Mudblood.

He was a Death Eater.

So how did Lily Evans and James Potter keep ending up fucking each other in the deserted nooks and corridors of Hogwarts?

James would say it was because she had gorgeous eyes and the best arse he'd ever seen. He'd say the rest of her wasn't that bad either.

Lily would say it was because of pheromones. And, oh yeah, because Dumbledore had practically asked her to.

A Few Months Earlier, Start of 7th Year

"You want me to do what, sir?" Lily questioned, sitting across from her headmaster absolutely dumbstruck. She must have misheard him. There was no way this was how she was meant to be helping the Order.

Dumbledore looked over her critically and Lily felt a rush of shame — she really didn't want to be disappointing one of the most powerful wizards of all time. "It is my understanding," he said slowly, quietly, importantly, "that Mr Potter has been… quite taken with you for some time now."

Lily snorted. That's one way to phrase it. Then she remembered her place. Really doing great here, Lils. "He likes to look at me, yes."

Dumbledore nodded, gaze never leaving her in a way she found a little unsettling, probably because they were discussing how Potter was always studying her. "I don't think I need to tell you, Miss Evans, how dangerous Mr Potter has become."

He really didn't: practically everyone at Hogwarts knew the story of James Potter's monumental rise in his death cult. Lily knew they called themselves Death Eaters, a stupendously ridiculous name, and that they all followed some psycho who went by an even more stupid title. Honestly, who calls themselves a Lord? What are we, in the feudal era? It had started out as fun and games, after all, Potter and Sirius Black (his equally sadistic best friend) had joined when they were 3rd years. And how evil could a 13 year old truly be? Well, it turned out rather a lot, because within four short years, Potter had climbed the ranks to be considered Voldemort's righthand man. His most trusted advisor. His protégé. And honestly, Lily could see why — Potter was ruthless, cruel, and worst of all, charming to a dangerous degree. He could get away with anything, and over the years, Lily had seen him do just that. He'd even gotten a professor fired at the end of last year when it was discovered that she was carrying out a secret affair with him. Naturally, this had only raised his social clout — as if he needed any more of that.

After Potter had gotten his Dark Mark, which he proudly showed off every chance he got (and naturally got away with, because: refer above), there was actually a surge of copycats, with kids trying to give themselves their own janky attempts of the tattoo, to varying degrees of success. No one quite understood what the skull and snake meant yet — but if James Potter had it, then it had to be cool as shit.

Everyone at Hogwarts either hated him, wanted to be him, or wanted to be with him. There was truly no in between. The one exception to this seemed to be Lily Evans. She didn't outwardly fawn over his insane physique or godlike Quidditch skills, laugh at his problematic jokes which she knew were just thinly veiled bullying jibes, or fall over herself to win his favor. She saw him for what he really was: a dangerous sociopath. Just because her peers couldn't see it yet, didn't make her any less convinced. The Death Eaters weren't some cutesy fun after-school group. They were the start of a hate group, and he was second-in-command to their villainy.

Her indifference to him was why he was so intrigued by her, she'd convinced herself.

"You don't, Professor. I am well aware of the threat he poses."

Dumbledore took a beat, as though his next words needed room to marinate in their gravitas. "Given his interest in you, and your interest in fighting for the Order, I think you are in an especially unique position to help us, Miss Evans."

Lily's heart sank. When Dumbledore had summoned her to his office a week ago to tell her and Remus about the resistance against Voldemort he was leading, Lily had been so honored to be asked to join. Of course she wanted to fight against bigots, and as both Head Girl and a Muggle-born, she definitely was one of the people with the most to lose. Anti-Muggle-born sentiment had been growing exponentially, no thanks to politicians like Potter's own mother, Euphemia. If that witch had her way, Lily and people like her would all be put on a plane and shipped off to Siberia, never to be seen or heard from again. She'd thought perhaps the headmaster had seen her fire for justice, or thought she was exceptionally gifted for a student (a girl can dream) and would add something to the fight. But no — apparently it was only because a guy seemed slightly obsessed with her. I wonder why he wants Remus then? Lily thought. As far as she knew, her best (and only) friend was the sole other current student who Dumbledore had approached about joining the Order.

Lily tried not letting her disappointment show. "I'm afraid I still don't fully understand, sir. What is it exactly you wish for me to do?"

Dumbledore steepled his fingers together and dropped his chin so he could regard her over his half-moon glasses. "It is my belief that Mr Potter wishes to collect you. I am requesting that you let him, and report back to us all the information that you might uncover."

Lily gulped. Collect me? Why did it sound like Dumbledore was asking her to straight-up sleep with the git? Was he being this vague on purpose — because the ethical implications of that were just so… wrong? She decided to pose an easier, far less awkward question: "You want me to be a spy?"

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes." He let that sink in for a minute. "I know it is a lot to ask."

It is, fuck, it is! Lily had no idea how to spy on anyone! What was she supposed to do? Or say? "Professor, I'm sorry," Lily said, all but panicking, "but he and I aren't close. He doesn't tell me things or anything." Sure, they saw each other at Head meetings, considering they ran them together, but all they ever really did there was trade insults or sit in tense, uncomfortable silence while their prefects talked.

"I understand, Miss Evans," Dumbledore said, leaning back. "Trying to stop the Death Eaters has become more imperative than ever with their activity moving from violent to lethal these past few months. We fear it will only get worse and any intelligence we could gather on the group would be invaluable. But," Oh, for fuck's sake, come on, "I understand if you do not feel as though you could help."

That was an unnecessarily manipulative way to put it. Feeling quite trapped and otherwise useless, Lily realized she didn't have that many options here. For some reason, Dumbledore thought that she could get information out of Potter. He thought she could help save lives. He thought that she could help bring an end to this madness once and for all so that Lily, and others like her, could feel safe in these halls, no, safe in this world, once more. Of course she'd try to help with that. "No, Professor. I'll do it," she said determinedly. "I'll be seeing more of him this year with Head duties, so… I'm sure I'll be able to strike up a rapport somehow." At least, I hope I can. They sure as hell didn't have any practice with that. He'd long ago given up on trying to talk to her since she had an amazing track record of simply walking away whenever he opened his dumb mouth or verbally castrating him with her witty putdowns.

"That is wonderful, Miss Evans. In two weeks, we will start holding meetings. You will debrief Minerva, Alastor, and I of your findings then."

"Two weeks from now?" Lily squeaked.

"Yes. And then every week after."

Every week after. Like I have to get enough information out of the bloke every week to warrant leading a meeting? Lily felt like she was going to be sick; she didn't want to make a fool of herself in front of her favorite teacher and the friggin' Head of Magical Law Enforcement himself, on top of her headmaster. "Yes, Professor."

"Thank you, Miss Evans. Goodnight."

Lily nodded, getting to her feet. She knew when she was being dismissed.

"She deserves to know the truth!" a portrait of an old headmistress cried out as soon as Lily had shut the door to the office.

"Know your place, Janice!" another yelled back.

But Janice was irate. "No! Albus, it is immoral to keep her in the dark! To not tell her the true purpose of this!"

Dumbledore didn't turn around, keeping his back to the cacophony erupting behind him. "I know, I know…" he whispered frailly. "However, it is what must be done. For the greater good."

"Ugh," Lily grumbled as she plopped herself down in the Gryffindor common room in her designated armchair. Okay, so it technically wasn't hers — it didn't have her name stitched across the back or anything — but it might as well have been. She and Remus had been sitting in these two spots ever since 1st year, and she wasn't going to go about switching it up now.

Remus looked up from his textbook, sitting in the armchair next to her. "What?"

"Maybe joining the—" she looked around the room to make sure no one could eavesdrop on her whispers, "—Order isn't as cool as we thought it would be."

"Huh? How?" Remus snapped his book shut now that she fully had his attention.

"I got my first mission," Lily sulked, falling further into the cushion she was haphazardly strewn across. "Dumbledore basically asked me to shag Potter."

"What?" Remus spat out, their hushed tones all but forgotten.

"Sh!" Lily hissed and motioned downwards with her hands.

"Tell me you're joking," Remus pushed, then slouched back against his seat, convinced she had to be kidding. "You're exaggerating."

"Honestly, I'm not even sure." Lily told her best friend her whole conversation with Dumbledore down to the funky phrasing. "I just don't get it. Why me?" she asked to the ceiling. When Remus didn't answer, she looked over to him. She'd seen that look countless times over the course of their friendship. It read: you know why, I've told you why, you're being stupid, but I love you too much to say it out loud. Remus had always maintained that Potter's obsession with Lily belied deeper, secret desires. Lily pointed out it made far more sense that he was always glaring at her because he was plotting her demise, you know, with her being a Muggle-born and him being a bloody Death Eater and all. It meant if she knew what was good for her, and held her self preservation in any regard, she'd continue to keep her distance. Lily ignored Remus' look. "All I'm saying is, don't be surprised if he asks you to tail Black next."

Remus looked down to his lap to try to hide his embarrassment, but Lily saw it anyway. Remus had only ever had a crush on one person during his entire time at Hogwarts, and one person alone. That person, as Lily had only found out in 2nd year, was Sirius Black. Lily knew that Remus couldn't help being in love with a jerk just as much as he couldn't help being gay. She also knew both of these things brought Remus great shame, probably because they had become so intrinsically linked at this point. He couldn't think of his sexuality without knowing just who specifically his heart beat for. 'A monster.' If Remus could turn off his attraction to Sirius, he would in an instant. Sirius hadn't been so bad his first few years… and it was yet another reason Lily blamed Potter. He poisoned everything he touched, and had led Sirius down a much darker path. Course by the time Sirius accompanied Potter on the steep slope to hell, it was far too late for poor Remus and his well-developed crush.

Matters were only exacerbated in their 5th year. Up until then, Lily had had two best friends: Remus and Severus, who went together like oil and water. Severus she had known since before Hogwarts, so she'd felt a sort of loyalty to him that she couldn't explain. In the early years, Lily had spent some classes with Remus and some with Severus so that they weren't forced to interact, but she'd always chilled in the common room, obviously, with the boy with whom she shared a dorm. In the end, this had driven Severus into a jealous rage, and he'd threatened to out Remus to the entire school unless Lily spent more time with him as well. Lily had been overcome with guilt, considering Remus had only told Severus — the lone other person who had known about his sexuality other than her — to get him off Lily's back since he was convinced the pair was covertly dating. Remus had told her he was bluffing about outing him and not to give in… but Severus hadn't been bluffing. He ended up telling the Slytherin boys he lived with.

This play had backfired on him spectacularly though, because the boys had shunned Snape instead of Remus and turned him in to Dumbledore for outing a fellow student. Snape really must have underestimated his own unpopularity. The next day, Sirius, a very openly proud bisexual man, had cornered Remus and kissed him, never to speak to him again. Remus hadn't told Lily any of the details of what he'd said to him after the kiss, but Lily knew that if Remus was a goner before, he was even more gone now.

And he hated himself for it. Sirius represented everything the two hated about society: rich, arrogant, and a bigot. After all, Lily and Remus were both poor, humble, and outcasts of society. In 2nd year, Lily had told Remus she knew about his lycanthropy, but loved him no matter what. Remus had laughed nervously and told her that of course she'd figured that part out before his sexuality (which Lily thought was honestly the best way for him to come out to her — a sort of two-for-one secret special). Lily had pointed out, in true 12 year old style, that she cared more about where her bestie disappeared to once a month than who he fantasized about kissing. Kissing was stupid.

Nah, as it turned out, 12 year old Lily had been stupid, because kissing ended up being marvelous, and until the age of 15, Remus had lived vicariously through all her escapades. Too bad Lily hadn't really enjoyed anything that happened after kissing though. Her first time had been in 5th year with Head Boy Amos Diggory. They'd been in a relationship for six months and Lily had been… disappointed. She'd really liked Amos, and she knew he cared for her too, but their sex had been vanilla, if not downright boring. Lily usually ended up just lying there, wondering if she was supposed to be doing something else, or feeling something else, but Amos had seemed more than thrilled, so she chalked it up to the possibility that sex really wasn't supposed to feel good for women. After all, that's how all television shows and the naughty magazines she'd swipe from the other girls at the orphanage made it out to be. 'How to Please Him,' '100 Ways to Make Him Come,' or 'How to Be a Good Housewife.' Lily knew it was already so much better than the 60s, oh what a difference a decade can make, but come on. There had to be more out there for her… didn't there?

So when Amos had offered to wait for her until she graduated, Lily had politely declined, citing that she didn't want to 'hold him back.' Truth be told, she was now dead curious to know if all sex was like that, and 6th year had been about exploring this. It turned out… it could get worse. A lot worse. There were guys who wouldn't even look at her while shagging, as if her satisfaction played absolutely no part in the action, and guys who seemed to think it was a race to jackhammer the fastest to completion. There also seemed to be a direct correlation between how bad a guy was in between the sheets and how badly he'd treat her afterwards. Greg, her absolute worst lay to date, had looked like he was considering jumping off a moving staircase when he'd seen her the next day out and about in the castle — as though his dick had made her fall absolutely in love with him and she might just corner him and beg him to go steady. Lily laughed; she'd rather have a date with the Giant Squid than ever give Greg another shot at anything.

So yeah. Lily wasn't too impressed with sex. And she vehemently disagreed when Remus tried to state that, 'bad sex was still better than no sex,' because no, it wasn't.

"If Dumbledore knew that I was—" Remus cut himself off before he tried again. "If Dumbledore asked me to tail him, I'd probably have to drop out."

Lily raised her eyebrows. Remus was not normally one for dramatics. "You'd never do that to me."

"You're right, I wouldn't." He gave her a shy smile. "But now I'm curious what he wants from me." Lily stretched. "So what are you going to do about Potter?"

Lily's mood instantly crumbled. "I have no idea. The mere thought of gaining his trust is exhausting. And even if I tried the seduction route, which I won't, because gross—" she shot Remus a glower at his little scoff, "—I don't see how that would work. He has absolutely no respect for the women he uses." She'd walked in on more than enough witches sobbing in the bathroom, after unceremoniously being cast aside by Potter when he was done with them, to know. And who could forget when Slytherin threw a 'going away' party for the professor who'd been forcibly removed from the castle only hours earlier for sleeping with him? Normally Lily would side with the victim of such a predatory relationship, but when Potter was involved, and he was celebrating her professional life being all but over? Nah. Fuck this guy. "All I know is I have to figure it out soon. Dumbledore wants my first report in two weeks."

Remus blanched on her behalf.

The next day at breakfast, Lily kept finding her gaze slipping just left of Remus' face sitting directly across from her at the table to Potter and his gang of cronies at the Slytherin table. How the fuck am I supposed to get secrets out of him? She didn't even know how to initiate any sort of conversation, let alone one that went like, 'Hey, planning any attacks that I can prevent?' While she was in the thick of her thoughts, she suddenly realized he'd looked back at her — in essence catching her in the midst of what probably looked like checking him out. It would surely explain why his expression morphed from curious to infuriatingly smug seconds later, his lips slanting crooked into the most lopsided smirk. She usually tried avoiding looking at his lips at all costs — they were plump and looked entirely made for snogging, and she just didn't want to allow herself to go there. She did not dwell on the attributes that made Potter so fuckable — sex hair and pillowy lips, shoulders to climb on, and arms that, sure, looked like they could really hold a girl up while the rest of him did damage. But, Lily had always been very proud of her self-restraint. Just because she knew those parts of his body existed, didn't mean she had to admire them; he didn't deserve her desire. She drew her eyes away from him completely, hopefully before he inferred she had any sort of sick interest in him.

"Fuck," Lily whispered to Remus. He looked up from his tea questioningly. "Nothing," she answered before he could ask. "Potter may have just caught me ruminating in his direction, is all." Remus raised his brows but, thank goodness for smart friends, didn't turn to look himself. Lily was now vehemently hoping Potter couldn't read lips, because she was pretty sure she could still feel his gaze burning hot on her skin.

"We have to switch partners." The deep, pleasant voice that she could begrudgingly recognize anywhere nearly made her cut off her own fingertips when Lily heard it in Potions. For one heart-stopping moment, Lily worried that she'd hallucinated his sudden appearance, so wrapped up in her worries on how to initiate contact with him for her assignment. But then she realized it was much worse — Potter was actually there, telling her lab partner, Remus, to get lost.

Instincts took over and she completely forgot her mission. "Fuck off, Potter. Remus is my partner, get your own."

"I'm trying to, Evans. You see mine and Sirius' mysteriously ended up in the hospital wing." Lily refused to look at him, but scowled at her knife instead. He had to be kidding. "So we'll both be needing new ones."

"Why can't you just work with each other?" Lily snapped while Remus looked content to just stay out of it.

"Because, Evans," he drew out her name with a little hiss that dared her, just dared her, to look up from her work at him, but she denied it, "the Great Cauldron Exploding Incident of '72. Don't tell me you've forgotten."

Oh yeah. She supposed she hadn't. The last time Potter and Sirius had been partnered together in Potions, they'd exploded their cauldron so badly that half the class had needed to go to the hospital wing with first-degree burns. Madam Pomfrey had not been pleased. They'd claimed it had been an accident, but given what she'd learned about the pair in the following years, she wasn't so sure. Either way, they'd been barred from brewing together ever since.

Lily wouldn't budge. "That sounds like a you problem, Potter." As enticing as he'd made her name sound, Lily had done the opposite with his, as though it was a combination of feces and gum that she'd found on the bottom of her shoe, and that she'd rather just throw out the whole thing in a blazing fire than try to salvage it.

"It's okay, Lil, I'll go," traitorous peace-keeper Remus said as he packed up his bag and made for the back of the class. Lily tried making him turn around with her mind so he could witness the betrayed glare she was shooting at his back, but he did no such thing.

"Lil. That's cute," Potter declared as he sat himself down on Remus' stool, legs spread wide.

Lily ground her teeth for a multitude of reasons, the predominant one being she remembered how Potter, being Snape's roommate, knew that Remus was gay. He'd never made any direct mention of it, and she knew his best mate was bi, but it still annoyed her. Most guys assumed Remus and Lily were a thing — something that neither of them minded as it meant they were left alone unless they sought out attention themselves — but this was not a luxury she had with Potter. "That's his privilege as my best friend. You don't get to call me that." Lily chopped her knife down so hard it got stuck in the wooden board and she fought to yank it back out. "Better yet, don't call me anything. Don't even talk to me at all." She'd been right: Dumbledore was off his rocker and his plan would never work. She couldn't do it, there was just too much bad blood. They were complete opposites in almost every way — especially those that truly mattered.

"Okay, Evans," he drawled, putting his hand on hers on the knife, making Lily jump back from the unexpected touch, "how 'bout I do the slicing, yeah?"

But Lily didn't reply, still too shocked from the electricity she'd felt from his skin. She couldn't believe he'd even fucking dared to touch her like that. Where the hell had this sudden familiarity come from? How had he found the nerve? But he paid her no further mind, cutting the Jobberknoll feathers into the slivers they needed. She watched his hands for a few seconds before she was able to growl at him. "Don't touch me again."

He snorted, but didn't look up at her.

She swallowed down her discomfort and carried on with her brew, focusing on stewing it correctly instead of stewing in her thoughts. To her surprise, Potter didn't initiate their usual hateful banter, and their Veritaserum actually looked just as perfectly clear as it was supposed to by the end of the period. As she bottled up a vial to hand in to Slughorn, she saw Potter doing the same, except he put his vial in his robe pocket with a wink in her direction. "Thanks for the excellent brew, Evans. Same time next class, yeah?"

Lily fumed as he strode arrogantly back to his friends, feeling completely used. Everyone knew she was the best potioneer in their class… and she'd all but handed him the most powerful truth serum on the planet on a silver platter. She shuddered to think what he had planned for it; she felt for the poor sucker who'd be forced to ingest it. Then again… Lily's gaze fell to her cauldron. I brewed it. If anyone should be able to benefit from it, it should be me, right? Lily chastised herself before banishing the rest of the Veritaserum. No. I'm better than using Death Eater tactics. Even if it's to stop them.

Lily reached into her bag for a new, little, blue notebook that she'd decided to use for her Potter findings. She jotted down a bullet point: 'Nicks potions for personal use — Veritaserum.' Instantly, Lily felt a little better. Perhaps she wouldn't be a complete disaster at this. She just had to start paying a little bit more attention to the arsehole was all.

Next Chapter: The Game

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