Nice long chapter to start your week off right :) I posted a picture on tumblr of what I imagined Lily's silver gown looking like if you're curious (tiffanytoms) and have also been posting GIFs for each chapter if you're a visual person!

You guys will recognize this first scene as the one I teased before I started posting on there too O:)

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. Art work by the super talented blvnk-art (tumblr) aka potterbyblvnk (insta)

Song: Heat Waves by Glass Animals

The Surrender

Lily awoke with a start, bolting upright. She immediately regretted it when the abrupt action jostled her pounding head. Fuck, how much did I drink last night? She took a few calming breaths, trying to work through the discomfort. She felt oddly cold. She chanced a look down and saw that she was completely topless. What the fuck, why did I go to bed like this? Her eyes darted from the green sheets to the green curtains completely baffled. That's weird, we don't have… Something clicked in her mind as her heart stopped and she realized this wasn't her bed. Oh no. Oh no, no, NO! She quickly snuck a peak under the sheet to see if her knickers were still on and let out a huge sigh of relief when she saw that they were. She hoped to Merlin that they had been securely fastened all night.

As if on cue, she felt someone beside her roll over. An also shirtless someone with fucking abs of steel that she shouldn't be staring at but — how does this guy work out so much; don't we always have class?

"You'll catch flies," a smug voice said.

Her eyes shot up to Potter's and she hated how her stomach flopped at seeing how pretty they were without glasses. He's not pretty, Lils. He's a fucking Death Eater. He adjusted himself and clasped his hands behind his head, the picture of self-assured relaxation. And there it is, right there. His fucking Dark Mark, she tried scolding herself. No man should look that sexy while having a frigging brand on their body that showed just how twisted and cruel they really were.

Lily tried scooting as far away from him as possible (it was a small bed) while clutching his stupidly green sheet to her chest. "Already saw them, love. You've been topless all night." His grin was completely lopsided. "You have perfect nipples, by the way. Absolutely no complaints."

A pit dropped in her stomach. Oh god… all night. I've been here, in bed with James Potter, all night. No… I couldn't have. "Did we…?" Lily asked softly, forcing down a swallow as her eyes were glued to the canopy ceiling in shame.

"Did we what?" he replied, feigning ignorance.

She shot him a 'fuck off' glare, her lips pulled tight. "You know what I'm asking."

Potter rolled his neck, cracking it along the way. "I don't think I do." His arrogance repulsed her. "Explain it to me."

She sat there in white-hot rage, feeling her pulse all but thundering along her neck. He lounged there just smirking at her, watching as she squirmed. "Did we fuck?" she finally ground out, teeth clenched as tightly as her fists.

He was watching her lips now while licking his own. "Why, do you want to?"

"That's not what I asked, Potter!" She was going to murder this guy. She was going to murder him, right here in his bed and go to Azkaban for the rest of her life, and you know what? It might actually be worth it.

"I mean, if you're scared we did, that must mean you want to, no?"

"I was drunk!"

"Do you oft do things you don't want to when drunk?"

"Oh my god, did we?" Lily was on the verge of tears now, ready to go scrub herself raw in the shower. Or jump out of the window. (Until she remembered she was currently in an underground dungeon — the Slytherin dungeon — so that wasn't even an option.)

"No," he finally, mercifully, answered. "We didn't. I want you to remember our first time."

Her breath caught in her throat. "There won't be a first time, Potter!" she spat.

He smiled wickedly. "If you say so."

She resisted the urge to slap him across the face and started patting down the sheets, looking for her clothes. "Why the hell am I naked anyway?"

"Just because I didn't let you fuck me, doesn't mean I could stop you from stripping." He let out an exaggeratedly content sigh. "You seemed to be having so much fun."

"I stripped for you?" Lily choked out, positively mortified. Suddenly all the flashes, jumbled in her mind and coming to her in a kaleidoscope of sensations and feelings, hot flesh and delicious pressure all over her body, made sense.

"Oh yeah. You got really into it. I was afraid I was gonna have to start tipping." He was still smiling, relishing in her shame. "You practically gave me a lap dance, gyrating and moaning the whole time. I had to silence my bed."

Her body was a dirty rotten traitor. "Well, I hope you enjoyed the show."

"I did." He didn't miss a beat, hand weaving through his hair, tousling his dark locks. Lily had a sneaking suspicion she'd done the same thing last night.

For the first time, she noticed a string of deep purple hickeys traveling from the edge of that strong jaw she hated to love down to the column of his throat. A memory of grinding herself down on his body, rubbing against a very noticeable bulge, while she clawed at his shoulders and devoured his neck, tasting his salty skin, hit her. It was her handiwork she currently saw decorating him.

He'd seen her eyes stray. "Shoulda known you'd bite. Little viper that you are."

She looked away in a vain attempt to hide the blush she felt blossoming on her cheeks. "Where's my sodding bra?" she muttered. Potter pointed up, and lo and behold, it was there, caught on his bed post. Kill. Me. Now. "Thanks," she mumbled even more quietly.

"You sure you need it back? It looks so nice up there. My own little trophy to remember the night by."

Lily ignored him, trying to drag the sheet up as she reached for the bra, but it caught on his body, refusing to accompany her all the way up. She grumbled, trying to yank the sheet free, but his weight proved stronger than her arms. "Potter—" she tugged harder, "work with me here."

"Now, why would I do that?"

She glowered at him. "Must everything you do be annoying as shit?"

"Not what you said last night."

Lily let out half a scream, smooshing her breasts together with one hand so she could keep at least a little of her dignity as she reached for her bra, pulling it down and turning away from Potter to put it on. She felt his predatory gaze hot on her back the entire time.

"Why do you pretend like you're not a sexual person, Evans?" he drawled.

Lily felt like she'd just stuttered even though she wasn't even talking. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Last night… why do you keep that part of yourself hidden?"

Lily turned back around, ready to give him a piece of her mind. "Look Potter, I don't remember most of last night, and I don't fucking want to, but I was drunk, okay?" She frustratedly pushed the hair that had escaped her updo, which was quite a lot, back off of her face. "That wasn't me, I don't like you, and we're going to pretend like it never happened. All right?" She knew her insistence was probably coming off as desperation, but she couldn't quite help it. She was, in a word, desperate. He continued lying there, eyes boring into hers as though trying to read her very soul. It pissed her off even more. "Look, we had a drunken hookup, okay? Stop looking at me like that."

She noticed when he smirked his most devilishly, the cutest dimple appeared on his cheek. The same one that she'd hoped earlier could somehow prove he had a shred of innocence left in him. That smirk with that dimple was the biggest juxtaposition that she didn't know she needed in her life. Because I don't need it, for fuck's sake!

"Like what?" His voice dripped honey.

"Fuck off, Potter." She was done playing this game, or whatever the hell this was for him. At the same time, she couldn't help but be curious about what had happened between them last night. Obviously, she knew about her secret (hidden, deplorable, very, very bad) crush on this man's body — but she really did hope that at the end of the day she was stronger than her hormones. She was more than just a libido wrapped in a body… aren't I? "Did I say anything last night?"

"Yes."

She was going to tear him limb from limb — after I shag him silly. Fuck, Lily, no. "Potter, what did I say?"

His gaze moved down her body, his smile becoming lecherous as it lingered on her curves. "So many things. But don't worry," his eyes snapped back to hers, "nothing that was news to me."

Lily swallowed thickly, feeling her cunt clench. She couldn't even understand her own body's reactions to his presence. "Like…?" she breathed, barely above a whisper.

Potter sat up, leaning into her space, staring at her lips now. "Like how much you love my shoulders," he murmured, using his fingers to brush her hair back over her own shoulder, his fingertips skimming her neck along the way. This is true, he does have very nice shoulders, I can't be too hard on myself for admitting that. He kept leaning in further and Lily hungrily tracked his progress. "How badly you wanted to know what I tasted like." Lily held in a gasp, Okay, that one's a little worse, but you know what? People have said more incriminating things, we can recover from this. She internally flinched. There is more than one way to taste a man. Potter was now right against her ear, and Lily couldn't help the shiver that rocked her body as his breath hit her sensitive skin. "And then you begged, truly begged, me to take you, Lily…"

Oh.

Her mind screeched to a halt at hearing his lips wrap around her name like that, knowing there was no coming back from this. She couldn't help but flex her hips, feeling all of last night's heat and desire beginning to pool between her legs once more.

She'd begged him to fuck her. That dark secret that she'd been carrying around for years (the one that she'd frantically tried to suppress and suffocate and positively snuff out of existence), that she was crazily sexually attracted to James Fucking Potter, had finally been told to someone — and it had been to him. Lily panted, a combination of horniness and fear washing over her. She was terrified that now that this desire had been voiced, now that it was out there in the world, it would be even harder to contain and deny.

Suddenly, as she was still sitting there dazed — wondering what the hell he was going to do next and hoping, an embarrassingly large hope, that he would just start kissing her again so they could continue where they'd left off last night and chalk it up to this whole thing being the same one big mistake — Potter yanked the bed curtains behind her open, letting the murky underwater light stream in. Lily yelped at the sudden exposure, remembering she was still there in nothing more than her underwear. "There it is." Lily took a moment to realize he was talking about her silver gown, discarded on the floor right next to his bed.

He hadn't been joking about silencing his curtains, because the room was a cacophony of noises, with boys wrestling one another and roughhousing and, oh my god, I'm sitting here in my bra.

Sirius was the first to notice them. "How'd you sleep, princess?"

His words drew the attention of everyone in the room to her, looking like a deer caught in headlights. She scrambled for her dress, rushing to throw it over her head just as the catcalls and cheers started.

"Aw, don't be embarrassed. We're just happy you enjoyed yourself last night, right boys?" Sirius walked between the beds with his arms spread open wide, looking like a king holding court with all his rowdy peasants. Lily had no idea how he pulled it off, but she really hated this boy's level of confidence. It wasn't fair that the two hottest boys in Hogwarts had found each other and somehow joined forces to feed off of one another's ego and evilness. Sirius turned back to her and pulled an apple out of his pocket, taking a satisfyingly loud crunch out of it. "Gotta say, I didn't know you even knew Prongs' first name until you started moaning it last night."

"Sod off," she said, getting out of his bed and standing with her head held high. Sure, she knew she'd made an egregious mistake, but like hell Sirius Black could make fun of her for it.

"Still feisty." He grinned, looking over her shoulder, clearly speaking to Potter. "Maybe now I'm starting to get what you see in her."

She felt Potter get to his feet behind her, and tried pushing down the way her dumb body craved to just lean back a little bit so he could hold her like he did last night (she had a brief but tantalizing memory of it), the way it desired to touch his in order to quell this even dumber yearning she had for him. It's as you feared then… It will be so much worse now. She'd gotten a taste. She'd gotten a hit of what a world devoid of morality could be like and it had been good. James Potter had just become heroin to her, and she was already greedy for her next high.

"Sorry, didn't know she'd be that loud," the ass replied as he walked past her. Lily did a double take when she saw, well, his ass in all its bare glory.

Sirius laughed as he noticed just where she was looking. "What, didn't get a good enough look last night, sweetheart?"

She hated when he called her that. Heck, she hated all his stupid, condescending nicknames. "I didn't know he was naked." Also, who the hell just struts around a room with this many peers starkers?! What was with these psychopaths?

Mulciber decided he wanted to add his two cents to the situation. "Well, no wonder you didn't defend me with McGonagall," he sneered. "You could have just told me you were trying to screw the Mudblood, Potter."

Lily's 'filthy' blood boiled. "We didn't have sex," she announced adamantly.

"Really?" Sirius asked Potter who was on route to the bathroom.

"You know I don't like drunk chicks," Potter answered nonchalantly. Lily's skin crawled, feeling like just another one of his gross notches. Of course she knew this hadn't meant anything, and it couldn't mean anything, but to be described in such terms? It made her feel even dirtier.

"You got a girl to moan that loud without your dick in her? Fuck, Prongs. You gotta start giving out lessons."

As Potter let out an amused little scoff, Lily decided she'd had enough. She quickly picked up her heels, refusing to resubmit to their backbreaking height, and ran to the door.

The last bed she passed in this underwater hellhole, the flickering light being refracted by the water making her slightly nauseous, was Snape's. In all her humiliation, she'd completely forgotten that Potter shared a room with her former friend. But the word former had never felt more applicable. Of all the nasty stares she'd ever received in her life, the one Severus was now shooting her way was definitely the coldest. He looked like the most vicious combination of betrayed and disgusted as he sneered at her before tearing his curtain closed around his bed, shunning her from view.

Well, fuck you too, Lily thought as she reached for the door and slipped out. She couldn't believe she'd invested so many years of friendship into someone who'd only seen it as a means to an end. When it had become clear to Severus that it was actually never going to happen romantically between them, as Lily had been very clear was the case from the beginning, he'd somehow had the nerve to act like he'd been hoodwinked and cheated. As if Lily's friendship was something he had to suffer through in order to earn her sexual side.

The side you just threw at Potter. She wasn't ashamed for that reason though. She was her own woman who owned her sexuality and could share it with whomever she chose — and deny it from whomever she didn't want like that. What the problem was, was that Potter was not someone who she should want to fuck just as badly as she currently did.

Lily wasn't sure if she'd ever been more embarrassed than she was on her way back to her dorm. Sure, she'd had walks of shame before, but they'd never been this bad. Normally when she'd walk back to Gryffindor the next morning, she'd at the very least be wearing a more casual outfit that people wouldn't notice she'd been wearing the night before. Not today. Everyone had seen her in this dress at the dance.

And everyone could easily see she was slipping out of the Slytherin dungeons (Lily almost thought she wouldn't escape the common room unscathed considering how many girls she felt trying to murder her with their eyes as she kept her own trained on the cold stone floor as she passed). She'd never had to walk this far to get home before.

However, 'home,' wasn't much better. As soon as she slipped into her dorm room, leaning back against the door and letting out the biggest sigh of relief, she heard all conversation stop.

"Hi," she tried awkwardly.

"Hey!" only Marlene replied.

"I'm just gonna…" She pointed to her bed, collapsed inside, and drew her curtains closed, silencing them. Some things were just better left unheard.

So much for her fun, stress-free night. She felt like she'd somehow made everything worse.

Lily still felt nauseous that night when it came time to tell McGonagall, Dumbledore, and Moody this week's Potter findings, but Lily pushed through — Voldemort's attempts at immortality seemed a little more pressing than procuring a hangover cure.

"Interesting. Not the route I'd expected him to go," Dumbledore mused from the opposite side of his desk. "Perhaps he is using this as a backup."

"A backup for what, sir?" Lily asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.

"Who knows," Dumbledore answered (or rather didn't) mysteriously.

"Do you think Mr Potter suspects that you're spying on him, Miss Evans?" McGonagall asked Lily sincerely.

Lily would never stop being touched with how much she cared. "No. I don't think so. Honestly, I barely had to press him for that information at all, it was sort of weird," she admitted. Lily bit her tongue, unsure of how to phrase her next words. "He is… um." Just spit it out. We're all adults here. "He is becoming a little more possessive of me."

Moody quirked the brow over his magical eye. "How so?"

"Well," Lily sighed, "he seems rather insistent that we would—" Oh Merlin, how awkward can one conversation get? "—be good together. In a way."

"He wishes to date you?" Dumbledore pressed.

"Maybe?" Lily squinted. She was not going to mention to her headmaster that Potter had been very aggressively pursuing her sexually — she absolutely was not.

"Well, Miss Evans, again, we cannot thank you enough." Lily was thoroughly relieved, if not a little confused, that he was finishing the meeting here. Perhaps they all feel just as uneasy about discussing this whole situation as I do? "What you have shared with us today is groundbreaking — you should be so very proud."

At least you didn't screw this up. This time.

Moody and Minerva collected their things and said goodbye, but Dumbledore asked Lily to stay back for a moment to meet his phoenix, Fawkes. Lily was oddly giddy as she approached the majestic bird, his plumage a bright blood red and sparkling gold. He looked at her briefly before letting out a squawk and jumping onto her shoulder.

Dumbledore let out a little cheer of delight. "Oh my, he isn't usually one for affection. He must really like you." Lily beamed at Fawkes, gently stroking his breast with the back of her fingers. She found she rather liked him a lot too. "Amazing creatures phoenixes. Powerful, loyal, smart… and incredibly lucky too."

"Lucky, sir?" Lily knew he had a story to tell.

"Yes, Miss Evans. You see, while us humans only have one life to live, only one chance to get things right, phoenixes have endless opportunities. If they do not succeed in this lifetime, there's always the possibility in the next one, if they just work a little bit harder."

Oh. It wasn't a story he was conveying, it was a message. I am trying, I swear it…

"Did you know that wands are sometimes made with phoenix feathers?"

"Yes, sir," she answered dutifully, growing more uncomfortable by the second.

"Fawkes himself has given a feather for a wand before. One feather, and one feather only. Can you guess to whom that wand belongs?"

"You, sir?"

"No, but a fine guess. The wand with Fawkes' feather belongs to a man called Tom Riddle, who you know today as Lord Voldemort."

Lily let out a small gasp as she looked at the phoenix currently perched on her shoulder. How could something so sweet and pure help give rise to the greatest evil? Sensing her horror, Fawkes gently nudged his beak against her cheek, as though apologizing. "It's not your fault," Lily whispered soothingly.

"It is why I sought him out — Fawkes that is," Dumbledore continued. "You see, in order to defeat your greatest enemies, you have to know everything about them. You have to know what makes them tick so you can learn what it will take to outsmart them, outmaneuver them." Dumbledore offered up his forearm, and Fawkes happily hopped on. "You see, by having Fawkes, I get to know Tom Riddle more intimately." He looked at her over his glasses. "Do you understand what I'm saying, Miss Evans?"

Lily really wished she didn't, but the word 'intimate' sort of gave the game up. She hadn't been wrong in her first assessment of Dumbledore's request. Somehow the greatest wizard of all time knew just what Potter was trying to lure her into, and he was asking her to fully go there. Somehow, he was certain that she being with Potter would not be a mistake, but would in fact help her on her mission. It was as though he knew she'd been holding herself back.

Lily looked at Fawkes and gathered up all her Gryffindor courage. "Professor, just to be perfectly clear: are you asking me to date him?" Sure, she chickened out a little and changed 'shag' with 'date,' but she was pretty sure the implication was still there.

"Yes."

Fuuuuuuck. And with a single word, all the excuses Lily had been hiding behind, telling herself that this was a bad fucking idea, a disaster, the worst, most selfish decision of my life, went out the window. Dumbledore had to know something she didn't, because she still wasn't convinced that bedding Potter would work. She was so fucking screwed — or rather, was about to be.

Lily spent the rest of her weekend with Remus, trying to cheer him up and keep him occupied until he had to relive his whole traumatic experience with the werewolves to the Order. It turned out that Lily was laughably terrible at Wizarding Chess, but luckily, it was a very distracting kind of laughable. A tiny, but mighty, Auror named Alice Fortescue cheered them both up after the meeting with tales of her own missions gone wrong, and if only for a brief moment, Lily forgot that they were in the middle of a raging war, and just felt like they were young people, shooting the shit about the silly blunders they made along the way of growing up.

On Monday, Lily had never been happier to have to take a test in Potions so that Potter wouldn't have the opportunity to ambush her — how they'd left things on Saturday morning still burning a hole in her confidence. Before she'd even seen him, she'd heard through the overly active Hogwarts rumor mill that he'd been spotted, strutting down the halls, not even trying to hide her string of hickeys on his neck. (Because of course he wasn't trying to hide them — the kid had no shame.) Lily's reputation was in shambles, because even if only a few people had seen Potter carrying her off Friday night, many had seen her walk from Slytherin the next morning, and even more than that had seen her drunk off her arse at the dance.

"Evans, wait up," Lily heard Potter yell out as she exited the Potions classroom. She'd rushed through the test, sure that she could finish it before anyone else and therefore get to sneak out early, alone, but he must have just handed in whatever he had ready so he could follow. It must be nice to not have to worry about your grades because your parents will get you whatever job you want anyway.

"No," Lily replied, not adjusting her gait.

"We need to talk about Friday," Potter insisted, catching up to her.

"I don't have to do anything."

"Evans—"

He reached for her hand, but she yanked it back, spinning to him. "Why? So you can tell me how much you don't like drunk girls again? Was once not enough for you, Potter?"

Potter looked at her quizzically. "Wait, are you mad at me?"

She wasn't answering that. It was obvious. "You made me look like a fool, Potter."

He scoffed, looking down as he adjusted his bag strap before looking up at her slowly once more. "No, you made yourself look like a fool. I got you out of there."

Lily rolled her eyes. "And into your bed."

"Look, you don't have to believe me, but I tried to stop you. Short of tying you to the bedposts—" Lily's neck twitched and her stomach fluttered. That was weird. Potter smiled at her mischievously as he continued, "—there was really nothing I could do. I'm only human, love. It's hard for me to say no when Lily Evans is throwing herself at me."

Lily dug her nails into her hand, trying to remind herself that his flattery meant nothing and to stay mad. "You could at least cover up the hickeys," she mumbled.

"You didn't let me keep the bra," he replied innocently with a cheeky grin as he softly cupped her chin, begging her to look up into his hazel eyes. Stop it, stop it…! He wasn't cute, he wasn't cute… "I needed to keep some sort of trophy. If you don't even remember our time together, I've got to remember it for the both of us."

He shot her a charming wink. He's still a dick, Lily told herself. Does it matter though? No, not really, she answered as she thought about Dumbledore's clearer than ever instructions. She had to flirt back. She had to keep this going, and somehow invite his attempts at her utter corruption so that this time she could agree. This time she would say yes.

"Look, Potter—"

"I've got to go," he cut her off irritably as he strode past her, unexpectedly leaving Lily in the dust. She gaped after him, wondering what the hell had just gone wrong. The tension had broken over his face only a second before he'd taken off.

"Okay then," she muttered to herself, trying not to fall into a pit of self-pitying despair. His mood swings weren't really preventing her from thinking that Potter was only in this to pull some sort of wool over her eyes. Trust Dumbledore. He knows what he's doing. He's got to.

Lily was fully over her day and ready to go to bed by the time the prefect meeting rolled around, but she forced herself to the office, dragging her feet the whole way. She had to set a good example. Remus had let her know that the prefects were really expecting a pat on the back for a dance so well done, so that's what she was going to give them.

Remus was right — they absolutely preened under her praise and Lily had to say, it was well deserved. The whole event had pretty much gone off without a hitch, and everyone was really ready for a great semester ahead.

After going over the few incidents on patrols that they'd encountered over the last week, Lily dismissed everyone, gathering the new scheduling conflicts.

"Evans, I need to talk to you."

Lily had been expecting this. "Potter, surely it can wait until tomorrow. I'm tired."

"No, it can't."

Lily looked up to Remus, awkwardly waiting by her side as he told her he would. She gave him a small nod, indicating she'd be fine and he could be on his way.

"I'll see you in the common room?" he double-checked with her.

"Yep, see you soon," she answered before biting her lip. What does Potter want now?

She slowly looked over to him. He almost looked… nervous? Seeing him like this was disarming. "I promise I'm not trying to drive you crazy." Lily couldn't help it, she almost smiled. The corner of Potter's mouth twitched, chuffed with her reaction. "I just want to teach you nonverbal magic tonight. I promise."

Lily looked over him skeptically. "Why?"

Potter shrugged, dragging his fingers over the desk next to her, the angle of his face making his neck arch into the most appealing of shapes. This much raw sex appeal in one man was dangerous, no matter what his personality was like. Too bad his personality was the type to milk his looks for all they were worth. "I wasn't kidding, it's not safe for you otherwise. I thought my demonstration was pretty clear."

"Your demonstration, eh? The one where you ambushed me?"

Potter smirked, left brow rising. "You mean the one where you finally kissed me?"

Lily narrowed her eyes at him, completely unable to figure him out, but desperately wanting to. It was hard not to feel a certain way for him when thinking about that kiss. "You literally just ran away from me in the hall after Potions. Why are you suddenly so eager to hang out with me now?"

He shifted uncomfortably, pulling his hand back to his body and cracking his knuckles. "I promise I'll tell you someday, but just not yet."

What the hell did that mean? And why is he so fidgety? "Okay…"

"Look Lily," he reached for her hands, taking them into his own. Lily wasn't sure if he was merely trying to steady himself, but she stared at their joined grasp anyway, really fucking liking it. A small part of her worried that he was faking his vulnerability, even if just the tiniest bit of it, so that she'd also let her guard down for him, but then she reprimanded her thoughts. She couldn't start looking for the worst in people now — at some point, she had to believe that the face people were showing her was their real one. I just hope I'm not being stupid. Lily had been called a pushover in her life before — had been told that she was 'too nice for her own good'. She really hoped this wasn't one of those times. "It'll all make sense, I promise, but right now, I just need you to trust me on this."

She had absolutely no reason to, no reason at all, but she found that she wanted to. She really fucking wanted to. It was hard not to follow where he was trying to lead; it seemed almost cruel to deny him when it was so readily apparent that he was trying to turn over a new leaf. He was being nice. He was being sweet. She hoped it was genuine.

"Can we please just try tonight? Please?" he pleaded.

Lily let out a huge sigh, definitely noticing his phrasing like she assumed he always wanted her to. "Okay. Let's have it then. What's the brilliant lesson plan that will suddenly teach me something I've been struggling years to do?"

Potter grinned as he led her away from the table and chairs. "You'll see."

She tilted her head back exasperatedly, but followed anyway. "Potter—"

"Just humor me for five minutes, okay? If it doesn't work, I'll help you find a new teacher myself." She cocked an eyebrow at him, so he amended his statement quickly, "For nonverbal, not for other stuff."

"What other stuff?" Lily asked, a mischievous glint in her eye, already knowing.

"Shut up and close your eyes."

Lily smirked, but did as he asked, still holding onto his hands.

"First thing you need to focus on, is where magic comes from. And that's here—" Lily nearly jumped when she felt his large open palm over her heart, but Potter carried on like all was normal, like he wasn't practically fondling her breast. "Magic is in your blood. It's in your very veins, and your heart is what's pumping it throughout your body, transferring it all the way to the tips of your fingers down to your toes." His voice felt even richer with her eyes closed, even more seductive and alluring. "You have to imagine it… Feel it filling up every centimeter of your body. Feel what that does to you. Can you imagine that, Evans? Can you picture it?"

All she could currently feel was the spot under her blouse where his hand had jolted her very existence and the wetness of her knickers. "Potter, I don't think I can—"

"Stop." He was standing right in front of her now, she could definitely feel that. "Don't overthink it, Lily. Let it go."

Her lips puckered. Lily. When had he started calling her Lily? When did I start letting him?! "How do you know I'm overthinking it?"

"It's written all over your face. Don't think, just feel."

"It isn't that simple—"

"Let. Go."

Lily let out a frustrated groan as she felt Potter extend her wand arm in front of her, finally releasing his grip on her. She could think a little bit clearer without his touch, like suddenly her sole focus wasn't on him, him, him. She focused on her heart, zeroing in on its beats, picturing it spreading not only her life force, but every magical atom she knew her body possessed all over her. She was a witch. It was in her blood.

I am powerful. I am magical.

"That's it, feel it…" he whispered, trying not to break the spell she was currently putting herself under. "Now think of a spell, any spell."

Lily concentrated on one of the easiest first year spells she could think of — the first one that Flitwick had taught them that had blown her mind and made her realize this was all real, magic was real, and she was a witch. No one could take that feeling away from her, no one.

"Open your eyes, Lily…"

Lily did as he asked and gasped, gaze darting around the room rapidly to see that not only was one object floating, but that everything was. The leftover parchment, the waste basket, the chairs, Potter's bag… "Holy shit!" she cried out, elated beyond all measure.

"You're doing it," Potter whispered proudly, chin down, eyes never straying from her.

"I did it!" Lily was so giddy, she didn't even overthink hugging him, she just happily jumped into his arms, throwing her own around his neck as she squeezed herself into him. "Thank you, Potter," she cheered sincerely, unable to believe that she'd finally done it.

Potter chuckled, fingers on her back digging in slightly. "You're welcome, Evans. Although this is all you."

Lily pulled back so she could see him, instantly getting lost in the honey sea of his eyes. "No. That was really nice of you to do that for me."

Potter pulled one hand back, running it jaggedly through his hair. "Good. I was worried because you don't like it when I do nice things."

Lily snorted. "What? That's not true." She disentangled herself from him, and he definitely noticed.

"Sure it is."

Lily shook her head, confused. "Like when?"

"When I tried to stop you from drinking too much."

"I don't remember that."

"When I brought you Remus back, you—"

Oh. This again. "It wasn't that you brought him back! It was that you're the reason he had to be brought back from something in the first place."

His blazing eyes softened, looking almost sad as they stared at each other. "I didn't start this war, Lily," he spoke softly.

She licked her lips. She knew that, but he was still on the wrong side of it. "But you're part of the reason it's still going."

"So are you."

Lily huffed. Well, duh! "I have no choice, Potter! If I'm not part of this war, if I don't fight for what I believe in, then I'm just admitting that I see myself as lesser than Purebloods. I'm saying I'm okay with being kicked out of the magical world. Have you forgotten that part?"

His expression turned to steel as his hand came forward to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, letting his hand linger on her cheek. "I'd never let that happen to you."

He made no sense — none of this makes any sense! Lily closed her eyes and leaned into his palm, the callouses scratching her soft cheek. "You're so confusing, Potter," she breathed, scared of bursting this little delicate, so, so breakable bubble they'd created.

"How?" he pressed.

She looked at him, a little upset he was forcing her to say it out loud. "You're a Death Eater, but you're somehow okay with me. You snog me, but then you act like I'm dirt to your friends," Potter opened his mouth, but Lily plowed through, "and then you save Remus? Like, you said it was to send a better message, but having him die would be a pretty strong message, yet you stuck your neck out for him, and I just—" Lily took a deep, steadying inhale. "I just don't get it, Potter. Just… help me understand it. Please."

Potter moved his thumb back and forth over her cheekbone. "Am I confusing? Or do you understand me perfectly, and know exactly who I am, but just wish I was different so you wouldn't feel so bad about liking me this much?"

Fuck. He always knew how to cut her straight to the bone. This wasn't the first time he'd accused her of liking him, but this time, she had even less of a leg to stand on contradicting him. She opened her mouth to refute him, eyes oscillating between his, but fell short, knowing he'd see right through her lie anyway. He always saw right through her. "You were embarrassed to get caught with me. The morning after." She felt weak admitting it, but it had stung so badly to see how much he had distanced himself from her in his dorm room.

"I wasn't embarrassed, Evans. It's just very uncomfortable to watch a girl so visibly regret having spent the night with you. And then not even remember doing the very little we actually did." Oh. That kind of made a lot of sense. "Did you? Regret it?" he asked, caring a little too much.

Well, fuck my life some more. Yes? No? She guessed she did regret some of it, but… not for the reasons he was worried about.

He seemed heartened by her hesitation. "You're all I could think about all weekend, Evans. You're driving me crazy."

This wasn't what she'd signed up for; this shit was evolving. Unless this was part of his routine to bed her — which she'd have to give him credit for, because his execution was flawless — he was making things more serious between them. She wanted to run. "Wish I could say the same."

He gave her a small, doubtful smile. "You didn't think about it? About how good you looked in that gown I bought you, dancing the night away? About the way you practically fucked me with your knickers on afterwards?" Lily bit her bottom lip, not sure how much longer she could last if he was going to give her a play-by-play of what had happened Friday. "About how soft your skin felt against mine," one of his hands was working it's way down her arm as his voice dropped an octave lower, temptingly, "and how you swirled your hips as you slowly pulled your dress over your head, only to have it get caught on your hair?"

Lily snorted, trying so hard not to laugh, but it was clear from his face that he was right there with her, reliving a drunken moment she couldn't even remember, finding it hilarious. Honestly, it sounded a lot like her. "I'm smooth," she said, shrugging her shoulders, feeling the smallest bit embarrassed.

"The smoothest." He winked at her before getting serious again, staring at her lips. "I wanna do it again, Evans. Do you?" He swallowed. "Want to?"

Yes. "There's literally nothing in it for me," she told him logically. Because sure, in this moment, she presumed hooking up with him would feel good — but she'd never finish. Years of experience told her that. Sex ended up being nothing more than a drawn out tease that resulted in a disappointing conclusion. Only with Potter, it would also be psychologically scarring too. She'd have to live with the fact that she'd let a Death Eater into her knickers, into her body. She wasn't thinking about the Order, or about duty; she was solely thinking as an unsatisfied woman who'd never been taken there, never gotten there, looking at a man who she knew she should absolutely not be giving into.

"You sure about that?" he asked her cockily.

Lily shot him a look that read 'don't make this a challenge,' because so many men in her life already had. Lily had stopped telling boys that she'd never come during sex, because inevitably they would think that somehow they could be the first, even if they put in zero effort to do so. Gryffindor boys were all the same. They'd be proud and loud lovers (one guy had even called out his own name while climaxing), but in the end, that usually just resulted in quick fucks where only he'd come dramatically (and then have the audacity to roll over and ask if she'd come too, if he even remembered to ask). "Yes. I am."

Potter's tongue clicked on the inside of his teeth, and somehow he knew exactly what she was talking about. He already knew I fake it, Lily thought, remembering one of her first conversations with him this year. "I can get you there," he announced confidently. Lily rolled her eyes. Of course he thinks that. "You might not remember, but I practically already got you there Friday." That got her attention. "Orgasms are a lot more psychological than you seem to think, Evans." He really has to stop hissing the 's' like that… "There's so much more to sex than penetration, love." He was using the same sexy tone that he'd just taught her nonverbal magic with, and she fucking loved it. The hand that had been cupping her cheek slowly trailed down over her neck, settling on her collarbone where he swept long, faint strokes. "You have to feel it, you have to want it…" He leaned in, whispering little kisses on her cheek, moving inwards towards the corner of her mouth. "You don't start until you feel like you would combust without it…"

Lily wasn't sure if what he was saying was true, but boy was he selling it to her. However, the orgasms she'd always gotten from her morning workouts seemed pretty physical to her. She knew just how many leg raises or how many minutes she had to hang from that tree branch to get her there. It was formulaic. It was reliable.

Perhaps she'd been too deep in thought for too long, because something seemed to flash in Potter's eyes.

"So what are you saying you do for me psychologically, then?" she asked, unhealthily curious.

Breath hot on her cheek, his left hand dipped lower to the buttons on her shirt, dexterously popping them open one by one. He smiled like he had the answer but wanted her to come up with it herself, too. "I dunno, you tell me."

They were making out again, and it felt heavenly. His lips were like balm for her aching soul, and she let herself get lost in his pull, her own hands setting to work on his shirt, ready to see his chest and finally just be allowed to appreciate it in all its glory. Are we really doing this? her conscious asked panicked. Is this it?

"I won't return the favor," she panted, ripping the last few buttons clean off his shirt with impatience.

"Okay," he said, before pulling her back in to kiss.

Lily broke free for a second, her lips still dragging against his, trying to force the words out. "No seriously, I won't. I don't want your cock anywhere near me."

Potter retreated to her jaw, holding it tightly before him as he kissed his way down, his delight at her statement evident in his playful nips. "Evans, what exactly do you think you're grinding yourself against every time we snog?"

Lily's groan turned feral as one of his hands went up to her breasts, cupping them roughly. "You know what I mean."

"Okay. Fine," he agreed, hardly sounding like he cared at all. "Can I touch you now?"

He pinched one of her nipples through her bra, and Lily's last remaining (not deceased from sheer, unmitigated pleasure) braincells strung together: "Why do you want to?" Anxiety was a bitch.

Potter pulled back slightly, face utterly confused. "What the fuck do you mean?" His expression cleared with pitying understanding. "Have… have you only ever had guys finger you to get more handies?"

Woof. This is uncomfortable. "Yeah. Probably," she admitted.

"You know some of us actually enjoy pleasing a woman. You know that, right?"

She guessed she knew that in theory, but it was still kind of hard to believe when so many of her own experiences flew in the face of that. "Wait—" she panted, pushing him back when he looked ready to start snogging her again. She wasn't doing this for the mission, she was doing this because she bloody wanted to, and that scared the living shit out of her.

"Aren't you tired for waiting?" he ground out, craning his neck forward to recapture her lips.

She was, my Merlin, she was, but she had to make herself feel like this wasn't for her. She had to at least pretend hooking up with him was about gathering information. She had to. For her own survival's sake. "How did you know I've been faking it? With past guys I mean?"

Potter chuckled as he leant his forehead against hers, eyes closed and smile wide. "Wanna know my secrets, Evans?" he teased.

"No," she lied, "I wanna know how you know mine."

His smile went lopsided. "There isn't a whole lot that happens in this castle that I don't know about."

That was a non-answer if she'd ever heard one. He went to kiss her again, but she pulled back. "What's that mean?"

"Go on a date with me and maybe I'll tell you."

Lily froze. What? A date? Did Potter ever take girls out on dates? She was under the impression he was more of a one-and-done type of man. Dumbledore was right, holy shit, he did want to go out with her.

Before she could completely drown in her thoughts, he continued, finally giving her some semblance of a real response, "It was never that hard to tell. You never looked particularly… satisfied after your romps."

Lily's eyes went wide. There was so much to unpack here. How did he know when I'd just had a romp? How did he see me afterwards? What quantifies as a 'satisfied' look? What the fuck is going on? "Excuse me?" is all she could muster.

"Oh, you'll know what I mean." His lips were back on hers and he was finally pushing her shirt off her shoulders, ushering her backwards towards the door. "Soon enough."

Lily whimpered as he quickly unhooked her purple bra before her back hit the wood and descended on her breasts, taking his time to lovingly lavish them in soft nips and kisses. The attention was enough to make her forget her own mission of pushing his shirt off, instead letting it remain open, framing his torso rather nicely all the same. Lily felt herself start to sag down the door, her head dropping back as she succumbed to the sensations making her skin come alive for him, but his arms wrapped around her waist, hands splayed against the small of her back, propping her up and supporting her while his mouth never stopped its worship.

She needed to get a grip. Her hands dove into his hair, eagerly pulling on his strands while pushing him into her, lest he get the wrong idea. He was exactly where she wanted him. A flick of his tongue across her hard nipple ripped a sultry moan from her throat.

"What do you need?" he asked breathlessly, switching to the other breast.

"W-what?" she stuttered.

Potter ran his tongue from the bottom of her breast up, circling around her areola, before sucking, looking back at her. She gripped his hair harder. "What do you need to come?" He was truly the king of enunciation.

Had anyone ever asked her that? In all her experience with guys telling her that they'd be the first to 'fuck her right,' had anyone ever actually taken the time to ask what she needed to get there?

He was looking at her like she was all he'd ever need. His apparent devotion was unnerving. "Let me take care of you, Lily," she licked her suddenly chapped lips, "just tell me what you need."

"Pressure. Like as much fucking pressure as you can give. For a long, long time." It seemed like a disingenuous thing to say considering she'd never actually even made herself come through touch, but somehow she knew it was right. Her clit was where the magic was supposed to happen (well, at least the physical kind), she knew that much.

Potter straightened up slightly so his face was above hers again as his hand snaked down into her knickers, touching her bare skin. Lily gasped as he honed in on her clit.

He smiled as he started rubbing, knowing he'd found her sweet spot. "Like this?"

"Harder," Lily commanded, eyes snapping to his, watching as they narrowed in concentration behind his glasses. His fingers obeyed her.

"This?"

Lily's lids fluttered, but she wanted more, loving how he was manipulating her nub back and forth, each pass sending a thrill of pleasure up through her apex. "Faster," she moaned.

Potter moved his face closer to hers, as though breathing the very same air she did would help him crack her body. "Merlin Lily, you're gonna give me carpal tunnel."

She couldn't stop herself from realizing what a brilliant way that would be to stop him — getting his wand hand out of commission through fingering her. Just doing my part, she laughed to herself.

A snort escaping his nose brought her back from her master plan.

"What?" she pushed.

Potter smirked before kissing her, his thumb taking over the attention on her clit so he could slip his index finger inside of her. Lily felt her eyes rolling back in her head. "Nothing, I just love it when you're bossy."

Lily let out a little moan, her legs starting to shake as she felt the sensation he was coaxing from her growing and growing. This was starting to feel like too much… it might actually work — if she let it.

"Let go, Lily," he cooed, the hand supporting her back squeezing her. "I got you, just let go."

She felt her cunt begin clenching around his fingers, as though trying to lay claim to him just as much as he was claiming her. She knew she was climbing somewhere, she knew he was taking her right to that peak that she usually had to work so hard to even find, but she was absolutely terrified. Do you really want Potter to be the first one to get you there? Do you really want to look at him and always remember this feeling? See it in his smug, beautiful eyes that he knows he'll own you now until forever?

"You're so close, I can feel it—"

Yes, she answered herself. She did want it to be him. She didn't care if he owned her afterwards. The desperate twinge in his voice won her over — it was almost as if he wanted this just as badly as she did. "Don't stop, Potter, please," she begged, holding his wrist against her body in a vice grip. "More, just a little more—"

"You got this, Lily, come on," He nudged his nose against her cheek, his fingers obviously tired, but not letting up on their steady pressure.

She arched her back, brushing her bare chest into his, giving her nipples some friction too. She wanted all of his body all over every last centimeter of hers. "Yes, yes—" Suddenly, the wrist she was holding onto burned, and Lily yelped releasing it, eyes jolting wide open. "What just—?" She tried reaching for the hand that he'd just unceremoniously yanked from her skirt, but he held it away from her, his face panicked. "Are you all right? You're burning up," she panted, chest heaving. She honestly really hoped they could pick right back up from where they'd just stopped for whatever reason.

"Evans…" He sounded pained.

"What?"

"I have to go," Potter declared, hastily buttoning up his shirt.

Lily stared at him in disbelief. "Are you serious?"

"Yes." Satisfied with his shirt, Potter retrieved his bag, and came back to the door where Lily remained frozen, watching him in horror.

"What the fuck, Potter," she exclaimed, royally pissed off. "I just trusted you! You can't just—"

"Lily," he said impatiently as he grabbed both of her biceps and lifted her clean off the ground, setting her back down out of the way of the door. Even peeved, she had to admit it was kind of a hot move. "I have to go." Just as Lily opened her mouth to yell bloody murder at him, he swallowed her complaint with a kiss, holding her chin to him. His wrist's proximity to her told her it was still on fire. "I'll explain later." Then he pulled the door open, and was off.

She was going to kill him. That was the only acceptable form of punishment for leaving her hanging like this, the only one. She couldn't believe that she'd grumbled to Remus about how Potter had given her blue balls in detention, because this had been so much worse! She'd been about to come, she knew it, perhaps five more seconds of those nimble fingers and she would have experienced what was gearing up to be the strongest orgasm of her life — and he'd just left.

And for what?

"Uh oh, what he do now?" Remus asked when Lily stomped into the common room and collapsed into her armchair.

"It's not what he did, it's what he didn't do," she grumbled. "He didn't finish me."

"Lil!" Remus admonished, pointing over his shoulder. "1st years!"

Lily rolled her eyes but lowered her voice. "Sorry, I'm just a little worked up right now." She described how everything had been going great, a little too great, before she'd felt his skin heat up and he'd bolted.

"Which wrist?" Remus asked.

Lily's brows shot up as she got where he was going with this. She leaned into him. "Do you think it was his Mark?"

"Has to be, doesn't it? What else on him would burn?"

Lily would have to double check, but she was pretty sure that Potter even wore his watch on his right wrist, so it couldn't be that. "What do you think it means? Like… was he being summoned or something?"

"You said that he looked kind of panicked, right? It would make sense. Also explains his hurry."

Lily pondered this. "It had to have been Voldemort. I don't think he would have cared if any of his mates wanted him to come. I mean, I'd hope me coming would be a little more important."

Remus ignored her continued needy horniness. "This is big though. I think you just discovered how they communicate with one another."

Lily sank back into her cushions. Shit. This was big. She pulled out her little blue book, and jotted their new theory down.

Next Chapter: The Pleasure

Gosh. Does this mean that perhaps Lily will stop getting practically sexually tortured? We shall see...