THC S8 R7
House: Slytherin
Position: Potions
Category: Standard
Prompt: [Theme] Travel; (character) Severus Snape
WC: 1103
Beta: Aya, Becca, Ash, Hope, Tea
Notes and triggers: None
Severus sits in the corner of the room and watches Lily take another shot of firewhiskey. He knows her. Once, he knew her just as intimately as he did the contours of his own hands. So he knows now that she's putting on an act.
James had proposed to her on their graduation stage, a loud gesture that made her cry in Myrtle's bathroom for an hour. Severus had found her there, shivering under the weight of it all. He didn't know what to say to her.
He still doesn't know what to say to her two weeks later at Slughorn's final party. Instead, he stands in the corner, hiding behind a champagne glass and staring out at the crowd before him.
"Aren't you excited to say goodbye to all this?" Regulus asks, looking over to where Lily is holding court with the other members of the Slug Club.
Severus shrugs. "I want to feel safe, and I'm not sure how safe I feel outside of this bathroom."
Lily's laugh bounces around the room, and Severus wonders if his honesty for what is to come might mean anything to her, especially because he knows how dishonest she is being with herself.
It is a Hogwarts tradition for the Seventh Years to leave Hogwarts for their final train ride through the boats on the lake. It is a bittersweet tradition, one that says goodbye to their childhood and affirms to the rest of the world that they have completed their education, that they by all accounts can now be considered adults. Part of that tradition is leaving in the boat you came in with the people you came to Hogwarts with.
Severus sits next to Lily. The two people they shared the boat with during their first trip to Hogwarts had died last summer during a targeted attack on Diagon Alley. They were a Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. While neither of them had been Severus' friends, he knew that the Hufflepuff had tutored Lily in History of Magic. The Ravenclaw, Jared, had been his potion's partner in Sixth Year. Severus had cried the day Jared's death announcement graced the Prophet.
He doesn't know how to bring up the topic to Lily. He watches with jealousy as Potter and the rest of his merry men clamber onto their own boat. They set off fireworks, an attempt to bring joy to the somber occasion, and Severus curls his lips in disgust. Why does Potter never have to grow up?
"Hey," Lily says. "Ignore them. They aren't worth your anger."
Severus is surprised that she is talking to him, that he does not have to beg for a way in. "But you still chose him?"
Lily shifts uncomfortably at the question, but she reaches into her pocket and hands him a pack of toffee. "I don't know, Severus."
The boats start moving in unison, and for a moment, the quiet that stretches between them is comfortable. It is the warm, loving quiet of being able to exist around an old friend. The castle is moving further away, and Lily reaches out to touch the water and Severus knows that if he doesn't tell her now, he never lake has always been their safe space, a place where they were just Lily and Severus from the backwaters of Cokesworth. They whispered their insecurities to each other under those trees and the weight of saying goodbye to them has Severus stuck in the spiral of his own big, sad emotions.
"I'm sorry." Severus starts with an apology.
Lily takes her hand out of the water and looks at Severus. For the first time in what seems to be forever, she really looks at him without judgement.
"This is war, and I want you to survive it," Lily whispers. She fiddles with the ring—James' ring—and Severus wants to tell her how he made his choice. "I didn't choose you, and I can't expect you to choose me."
Severus' heart aches at the seriousness of her words. She sounds like an adult, grown up and weary of the things that life has to offer her. But Severus wants to tell her that he doesn't have a choice. He does not want to become a Death Eater, but he is also not naive enough to think that someone else will be his knight in shining armour. He wants to scream at Lily that she has the power to save him, but Lily is so caught up in the nostalgia of it all. These are the last moments of their journey out of childhood and she wants to savour it.
"But if you say—" Severus starts, as they travel under the bridge and close to the train station. The banks of the river are lined with weeping willows, where Severus used to share all his Hogwarts secrets with Lily.
Lily clears her throat and dips her hand in the water again. The sun shines too brightly, as if mocking Severus about the future he will never be able to give himself.
"I'm not, Sev. I can't be your saviour." Her voice is firm, cold. "He wants me dead. I would have considered it if he didn't want me dead."
Their boat makes a sharp turn and Severus takes it as a moment to hug his queasy stomach. He gives himself permission to be weak and vulnerable with Lily. After all, this might be the only goodbye he gets.
He hears the whistle of the steam train just as the bright red of the Hogwarts Express comes into view.
"You can still choose him, Lily. You're so talented, and he values talent," Severus begs.
Lily clears her throat and looks back longingly at the castle that has long since disappeared behind the bridge. "And what will happen when he no longer values me?" she asks.
Severus wants to cry. He just wants his best friend back—or a time-turner that will allow him to redo his most painful moments of life. They both know the answer to the question that Lily is asking.
"I'm taking the Mark tonight," Severus says as the boat gently slows down.
Lily nods. "I wish you well." She reaches over to squeeze his hands and jumps out of the boat the moment it comes to a stop.
Severus watches her run to James, who sweeps her up and spins her around the platform. He ignores the pit of jealousy in his stomach and the aching of his soul caused by the final goodbye to his best-friend. It is too late now; Severus has a vow of loyalty to make.