Chapter 5
Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no
Help me out
"All These Things That I've Done," The Killers
Horatio glanced over at the other bed in the small hotel room before turning on the television. Speed was still asleep- he'd woken up for dinner, and stayed awake through the next three hours of driving, but had all but crawled into the hotel room and passed out when Calleigh had finally convinced Horatio that they really ought to stop for the night. Calleigh had told him not to be concerned about waking Speed up, and not to be worried that he was so tired. "He's really not getting enough calories to fuel his body, so he gets tired easily. Don't worry about it, he's fine. And don't worry too much about waking him up. The medication he's on keeps him pretty well out when he does fall asleep. It's supposed to."
"Ok," he'd replied. But it was still a bit unnerving to see the usually restless insomniac so sleepy. Horatio wasn't ready for bed yet. He was still too keyed up, despite having been on the road for nearly eight hours already. He settled back onto his own bed and flipped through the channels, hoping to find something vaguely worthwhile to watch.
The television had about lulled him to sleep when he was startled by a sudden movement on the other bed. He sat up and looked over to find Speed trying to shove his covers away frantically. "Speed?" he asked, tentatively. "Are you all right?"
"I didn't, I don't, I won't!" Speed yelled, suddenly. He wasn't awake, Horatio realized. It was a nightmare.
Horatio got up and rounded the corner to crouch down by the bed, "Hey, there, easy, buddy, it's ok. Wake up, Speed, it's ok, you're safe," he said, reaching out to touch the other man's shoulder. "It's ok."
He was startled again when Speed's eyes snapped open, staring in wide eyed, sightless terror. "I didn't…don't hurt me, please?" he pleaded. He was breathing hard and his hands were clenched in the covers. "I don't, please, I can't…"
The terror made Horatio's stomach suddenly feel like he'd swallowed ground glass. It was horrifyingly familiar and he faltered before reaching out again to shake Speed's shoulder. "Tim, it's ok, no one's going to hurt you," he managed. "Wake up, now, ok?"
Speed blinked, and almost focused. "H," he said.
"Yeah. You're safe," Horatio said.
"M'k," Speed said, his eyes dropping shut as he relaxed suddenly. Horatio wasn't entirely sure he'd really even woken up. But he was quiet now. He remained crouched by the bed for another moment to make sure Speed was calm, but then he moved away. He shivered, suddenly and reached for the door, needing fresh air.
He'd settled himself on the stairs leading down to the parking lot before he let himself take a deep shaky breath. Oh, God, he thought. He'd just figured out what the vague uneasiness about Speed was. He wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his forehead on them.
"Horatio?" It was Calleigh. "Is everything ok? I heard Tim yelling," she said, sitting down next to him.
He raised his head and rested his chin on his arms. "He had a nightmare."
"Oh," she said. "God, I'm sorry, I should have warned you. They haven't been happening quite so often lately, so I forgot. He's a little scary when that happens, I know," she said. "If it helps, they're not a new thing. They're really night terrors, and his parents told me he's had them off and on since he was about a year old. They get worse when he's under a lot of stress. Did you wake him up?" she asked.
"I don't know, I tried to," he said. "I don't think he really woke up."
"Probably not. He usually doesn't. I'm sorry, I should have told you. Usually, if you tell him he's ok, that it's fine, he calms right down, but sometimes, he doesn't. If it happens again, you can come get me and I'll deal with it," she said. "Are you all right?"
"I don't…maybe…" Horatio trailed off. "He looked like Ray. That's what he looked like at the scene, too. Just terrified."
Calleigh reached out and started to rub his back. "I think they might be scarier to watch, almost, especially since he doesn't usually remember them in the morning," she said, quietly. "But what do you mean he looked like Ray? I don't understand."
Horatio shook his head and closed his eyes. Calleigh didn't push, but kept rubbing his back in gentle circles. "I don't know, did I ever tell you what happened to my mother?" he asked, finally.
"Not really," Calleigh said. "I know she's passed on, but I don't recall you ever saying when."
"She was murdered," he said, softly.
"Oh," Calleigh said. "When?" she asked, after a moment.
"A long time ago…God, it's nearly 30 years," he said. "I was 17." He was quiet a moment, lost in the memory.
vvvvvv
It was late winter and he was holding the feet of Ben, one of his teammates as he did sit-ups. Track training had started this week, bringing a bit of welcome respite for Horatio. During Track season, he only had to focus on school, Track and the paper route during the week. He only worked at the grocery store on the weekends. It was a bit of a break for him, and he was really looking forward to it. "Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one…" he counted for Ben.
"Horatio Caine!" The stern voice of Mrs. Harker, his English teacher, cut across the gymnasium and interrupted his counting. He glanced up towards the doors and found her standing with one of the assistant coaches. She beckoned him towards the door.
"Sorry, Ben, I'll be right back," he said, pushing off the floor.
"Sure," Ben replied, breathlessly, before falling back to lie still and catch his breath.
Horatio frowned as he neared the doorway and saw his little brother standing there next to his teacher. "Ray, what are you doing here?" he asked.
"I found him being bullied by a couple of the freshman boys," Mrs. Harker said. "He said he was just looking for you."
"Mom's not home. I can't find her," Ray added. It was clear he'd been crying.
"Well, she's probably just late getting off work, Ray," Horatio said. "That's all. Why didn't you just go to the library to look for her?" Their mother was a librarian. It didn't really pay very well, but it meant she could be home when Ray got out of school. At eleven, he wasn't entirely old enough to be left alone yet.
"I did!" Ray protested. "They said she'd gone already."
"Then she's probably at the store," Horatio sighed.
"Horatio, why don't you go on with your brother and find your mom," Coach Milo said. "We'll count you as present today."
"All right," he nodded. "Thank you." He turned back towards Ray. "Come on, I have to get my street clothes," he sighed, steering his brother towards the locker room.
Ray stood silently as he changed his clothes. "What happened to your shirt?" Horatio asked, suddenly noticing how filthy his younger brother's clothes were.
"Got in a fight," Ray mumbled, not meeting his gaze.
Horatio sighed angrily. "Ray, that's the third time this month! You've got to learn to walk away from these people!"
"I tried, but they were makin' fun of my clothes and sayin' they came outta the rag pile and, and, I just got so upset!" Ray said.
Horatio shook his head. "Ray, ignore them. They aren't worth getting upset over." He wasn't unsympathetic. It seemed that fifth grade in the new middle school was harder than he'd had it. The middle school was in a more affluent neighborhood than the Caines lived in. It was hard for Ray to go from the neighborhood school where everyone was more or less in the same boat as far as money to the middle school, where many of the kids came from families with considerably more money. But Ray really did need to learn to stop fighting.
"I know. I tried, Horatio, I really did," he said, pathetically.
"All right," Horatio relented. "But you'd better hope I can get that shirt clean, because I don't know when we're going to be able to replace it, otherwise." Money was always tighter in the spring when he ran track, but his mother insisted it was important for him to have something he liked to do. Especially since it was possible that running track might just get him a scholarship, and that was his only chance at college.
"I know," Ray said, shamefacedly as they started walking down the street towards home. "I'm sorry."
He sighed. "It's ok. But really, Ray, walk away. Maybe I ought to go talk to your teacher or something."
"No, it's ok. They'll never leave me alone then," Ray said, gloomily.
"All right. I won't then," Horatio said. "What else happened today?" he asked. Ray told him about the rest of his day as they walked the rest of the way home.
When they reached the house, their mother still wasn't there. "See, I told you," Ray said.
"Ok, fine," Horatio said, absently. It really wasn't like Mom to not be home when Ray got there. And it was even less likely that she wouldn't be home if Ray had taken the time to go to the library and then all the way to the high school to look for Horatio. He unlocked the door and let them in. "Go change your shirt and bring it here so I can soak it," he directed as he walked down the hall to the kitchen to see if she might have left a note. There was no note. "Huh," he said, frowning. He picked up the phone and dialed the library.
"Thank you for calling the library, this is Helen speaking," his mother's supervisor's voice answered the phone.
"Mrs. Bratton? It's Horatio Caine. Is my mother there?" he asked politely.
"Why, no, Horatio, she left a long time ago. Right when she should have. Isn't she home yet?" Mrs. Bratton responded.
"No, she wasn't here when Ray got home," he said.
"Well, I don't know where she could be, then," she replied. "I'm sorry, honey, but she's not here."
"She must have just gone to the store," Horatio said. "I'm sorry to bother you."
"Oh, it's no bother. You have a good night, and tell your mother I'll see her in the morning when she comes home," Mrs. Bratton said.
"I'll do that. Thank you, ma'am," he said, hanging up. Ray reappeared in the kitchen with his shirt. "Good. Go on and start your homework, ok?"
"Ok," Ray said, sitting down at the table with his school bag. "Do you know where Mom is?"
"I'm sure she's just gone to the store. Maybe she needed to go to the bank first or something and got delayed," he said, turning to the fridge to start dinner. There was a casserole that his mother had put together the night before on the bottom shelf. He heated up the oven and put it in before joining Ray at the table to do his own homework. At least getting out of training early meant that he'd have some extra time to get things done. That would help. He'd grown to appreciate little bits of time.
Horatio didn't really start to worry about his mother until after he'd made sure Ray's homework was done, fed them both dinner and made his brother take a shower and get ready for bed.
"Horatio, why isn't Mom home?" Ray whined.
"Ray…" he said, half exasperated. "I don't know, kid," he said, finally. "I just don't know."
"Did she leave? Like Daddy?" Ray asked. Their father had walked out nearly five years ago. One night, he just didn't come home, and they had no idea where he was until their mom received a letter one day nearly three months later saying he was never coming back.
"No," Horatio said firmly. "I honestly don't know where she is, Ray, but I'm absolutely sure that she has a very good reason for not being here. She wouldn't leave us alone if she could possibly help it." It was not a comforting thought, but it seemed to make Ray feel a bit better. "Look, why don't you go on to bed? I bet she'll be here when you wake up in the morning," he said, at a loss for what else to do.
"I'm scared," Ray said.
"I know. It's ok. I'm going to be right here, ok? You go on to bed, it's going to be ok," he said. Ray nodded and went upstairs to his room. Horatio sat down in the living room with the book he was reading for English class, but he couldn't concentrate. He was beginning to wonder if they should call the police. He tried to remember how long Mom had waited when Dad didn't come home that night. He remembered the police being involved, but no one had really told him much of anything at the time. Well, he'd only been twelve. Hardly older than Ray. At the time, he remembered being frustrated, but now that he was partly responsible for Ray, he understood just how young twelve really was.
A knock on the door startled him and he got up to answer it. He opened the door to discover two police officers standing on the stoop. "Hello?" he said.
"Is this the Caine residence?" one of the officers asked.
"It is, yes," he said. "Can I help you?"
"Is your father home, son?" the other officer asked.
Horatio frowned. "My father doesn't live here. I don't know where he is," he said, honestly.
"Does a Rosa Caine live here?" the first officer asked.
"That's my mother, yes," he said.
The two officers exchanged a look. Horatio made a quick decision and stepped outside onto the stoop, pulling the door closed behind him.
"I'm sorry, my little brother is in bed, I don't want to wake him," he explained.
"No, no, that's fine," the first officer said. "Son, my name is Detective McDavies and this is Officer Hart. We think we may have some bad news for you."
Horatio nodded slowly. "About my mother."
"Yes," Hart said. "We think she may have been killed."
Horatio leaned against the door, squeezing his eyes shut. He was shocked, but not entirely surprised. In the back of his head he'd known that was almost the only reason his mother would not have come home and not have called.
"Son?" McDavies asked.
"I'm all right," Horatio said, pulling himself together. "I'm ok."
"I'm really sorry to ask this, but we need you to come down to the station," McDavies said.
"Right," Horatio said. "I have to get my brother first. God, I have to tell my brother," he said, realizing.
"We can do that for you, if you like," Hart said.
Horatio shook his head. "No. He's my responsibility. I'll do it." He took a deep breath and went back into the house. He glanced up the stairs and found Ray sitting at the top of them. "Ray, I need you to put your shoes on and find your jacket and come here," he said, in as steady of a voice as he could manage.
"Why? Where are we going?" Ray asked, not moving.
"Ray…please don't argue. Just…just do like I ask, ok? I'll explain in a minute, but I need you to just get your things and come on," he sighed.
Ray disappeared for a moment, then came downstairs wearing his shoes and his jacket. "Is it Mom? Is she ok?"
"Sit down here a second with me," Horatio said, nodding towards the bottom step. He sat down next to Ray and took a deep breath. "Ray, there are two police officers outside. They want to take us to the police station. They think that something happened to Mom."
"Something bad?" Ray asked. "Did she do something bad?"
"No, Ray. I don't think Mom did anything wrong. But…" he sighed. "Ray, I don't know how to tell you this. I really don't. I…Ray, the police officers think Mama's dead," he said, finally.
Ray's eyes went wide with terrified shock. He hardly seemed to breathe. Horatio reached out and touched his arm. "I want Mama," Ray said finally. "I want her!"
"I know," Horatio said, quietly. "I do too." He reached out and gathered his terrified little brother close and rocked him as he cried.
vvvvv
"Wow," Calleigh breathed.
"Yeah," Horatio said, examining his feet.
"Did you…have to identify her?" she asked.
He nodded. "There wasn't really anyone else. Ray, obviously, was too young. Mom's only family was a sister who lived in New Jersey. We didn't know where our father was. Never did find out, actually. I guess he's probably dead by now, but I've never checked."
"That…I can't imagine, Horatio," she said, shaking her head. "I just can't imagine. What did you do?"
He shrugged. "What I had to."
vvvvv
He sat on a bench with Ray's head in his lap. Ray hadn't said a word since they left the house. He wasn't even entirely sure his little brother was entirely conscious anymore.
"Horatio," Detective McDavies said, coming up to them with a woman. "I need you to do something for me. Sandy here can stay with your brother."
"Ok," he said, softly. "Ray, come on, buddy, sit up," he said.
"No. Don't go," Ray said, grabbing onto his arm.
"Ray, I'm not going far. Just with the detective. You stay here," he said.
"No!" Ray said, half frantic.
"Hey, Ray," Sandy said, crouching down in front of the bench. "Would you like some soda? We can go get one, if you like," she said, holding out her hand. "Your brother won't be long, he's just going downstairs for a moment. They'll be right back, really."
Ray shook his head and clutched Horatio's arm harder. "No."
"Raymond," Horatio said, slightly sharper than he meant to. "I need to take care of this. You go get a soda. I will be right back." He pulled away and stood up, ignoring Ray's crying. Sandy sat down in his place as he followed the detective down the hallway.
"Do you have any other family in Miami?" the detective asked as they waited for the elevator.
"No. My aunt lives in New Jersey. She's all the family we have," Horatio replied, quietly.
The detective sighed. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this, but I need someone to identify the body."
"Right," Horatio nodded. "I understand."
He followed the detective silently to the morgue. The detective stopped outside of a closed door. "She's in here, son. I just want to warn you…"
"Detective, let's…just get on with it," Horatio interrupted.
"All right," McDavies said, opening the door. He stood aside to let Horatio past him.
Horatio approached the table where his mother's body laid. He looked down, and swallowed hard, closing his eyes. "That's her," he said, shortly, before spinning on his heel and rushing out of the room. He fled down the corridor to the doors at the end, which mercifully led him out into the dark night. There was a trash barrel just outside the door and he suddenly found himself bent over it, throwing up what was left of his dinner and crying.
"Easy there, kid. It's ok," McDavies said quietly. "Easy now," he said.
"I'm sorry," Horatio said, straightening.
"Nothing to be sorry about. It's not an easy thing. You did good," McDavies said. "Here, sit." He steered Horatio towards a bench and sat him down. "Take a deep breath. I'll be right back." The detective disappeared back inside the building as Horatio leaned against the wall, trying to regain control. He couldn't let Ray see him like this.
McDavies came back after a moment with a cup of water and a handkerchief. "Here," he said. Horatio nodded his thanks and sipped the water slowly. The detective looked at him speculatively. "How old are you, son?"
"Seventeen," Horatio said.
"No, you're not," McDavies said, seriously.
Horatio blinked, confused. "Yes, I am. My birthday's not for more than a month, yet. March 19th."
"No, you're not seventeen," McDavies said. "Because if you're seventeen, I have to call social services, you see?"
Horatio nodded slowly. "Yes."
"I figured you would. Your brother's what? Ten?" McDavies said.
"Yeah. No, wait, eleven. He's eleven this past October," Horatio said, shaking his head.
"You're a senior?" McDavies asked. Horatio nodded. "All right." The detective was silent a moment. "You feel better?"
"A little, yeah," Horatio replied.
"Ready to go back to your brother?"
"Yeah." Horatio pushed off the bench and followed the detective back inside the building.
A few days later, Horatio was washing glasses in the kitchen sink. "Horatio, honey, the catering company will do that," his aunt said, finding him in the kitchen. "You don't have to do that."
"Don't care," he mumbled. His aunt had come and taken care of all the arrangements. He hadn't had to do anything other than show up where he was told. It was about all he'd been capable of doing anyway, by that point.
His aunt looked ready to say something else, but a knock on the door interrupted her. "I'll get it," she said. He shrugged and turned back to the glasses.
Detective McDavies entered the kitchen with his aunt a moment later. "Horato," his aunt said. "The detective would like to talk to you a moment."
He glanced up and rinsed his hands off. "Ok," he said. He led the detective out to the back stoop and sat down on the stairs. McDavies sat down next to him.
"How're you holding up?" McDavies asked.
Horatio shrugged. "Ok, I guess."
"What are your plans?" McDavies asked. "Have you thought about it?"
He shook his head. "Not really, I guess."
"Listen, can I give you a piece of advice?" McDavies asked. Horatio shrugged. "Go to New Jersey with your aunt. I know she's offered to let you go back with her and finish school. Do it. There's not going to be any way you're going be able to manage on your own taking care of your brother and finish school. And you should finish school. I talked to your teachers, they all say you're very bright. Don't waste the opportunity, you know?"
"Ray doesn't want to go to New Jersey," Horatio said.
"Ray is eleven. He's not old enough to know what he wants. He'll be fine. Look, Horatio, you're not going to be able to give him any kind of life if you stay here. If you go to New Jersey and graduate high school, you can get a job that will be enough to support you both. If you drop out now, it'll be very difficult to do that,' McDavies pointed out. "Just think about it, is all I'm saying."
"Do you…is there anything new?" Horatio asked after a moment.
"I don't have any news for you, no. But I'll keep you informed, even if you go," McDavies promised. Horatio nodded. "Think about it. Give us a call if there's anything we can do for you, ok?" The detective stood up. "Take care of yourself, son."
Horatio stood up and shook McDavies's hand. "Thank you," he said. He turned back to stare out over the backyard as the detective let himself out the back gate.
vvvvv
"Did you go to New Jersey?" Calleigh asked.
He nodded. "We did. We sold the house and moved with my aunt. I finished school and took the exam for the New York Police Academy and passed. It was that or the army, and I didn't want to leave Ray behind. The police academy seemed like as good of an idea as any," he shrugged. "So I moved to New York and became a cop. Ray stayed in New Jersey for a couple of years until he got to high school. He got a little…wild, at that point. Just rebellious. I couldn't really blame him. My aunt didn't have kids, and she wasn't quite sure what to do with him anymore. I'd been on the force a couple of years by that point and was making just about enough money that I could bring him up to live with me. So we did that for a year. But then, that summer, things just got worse. Ray just hated everything and just could not stay out of trouble. Finally I got fed up. I remember one screaming match between the two of us where I just said, 'fine, Ray, what is it that you want? Tell me what you want, and I'll do it!', and he said he just wanted to go home, to go back to Miami. So I called Detective McDavies and he helped me transfer to the MDPD so we could move back to Miami. Ray calmed down a good bit after that. He finished high school and took a year at the community college, but decided school wasn't for him and joined the force."
"Wanted to be like his brother," Calleigh suggested.
"Yeah, he did. It worked out, though, really, because I was getting tired of being a beat cop and since I didn't have to help Ray with school anymore, I could go get my degree, then."
"I'd wondered where that came in. Because I know you've got a degree," she said.
He nodded. "Yeah."
"Did they ever find your mother's killer?" she asked.
He nodded. "About a year later. She was killed because she interfered with a drug deal in a parking lot not far from the library. They beat her and threw her body down by the canal. The perpetrator got life in prison. He died about ten years ago. That was about when I started getting kind of burned out. I…didn't know quite what to do when he died, it was strange. I was about to leave the force altogether, but Al convinced me to take a transfer to the bomb squad instead."
"Well, I'm glad he did," Calleigh said, squeezing his arm.
"I am, too," he said, quietly. They sat for a moment, looking out over the parking lot.
"We ought to get some sleep," Calleigh said. "You feel better now?"
"I do, actually," he said. "It…I don't know, it's been bothering me, but I didn't even realize what it was."
"I know," Calleigh said. "I'd noticed."
"Speed just…he had that same terrified look on his face at the warehouse as Ray did when I told him about Mom. And it just hit me somehow, but I couldn't place it. I hadn't thought about my mother's death in years, really, it's been so long," he said.
"Sometimes, things just hit you like that," Calleigh said.
"It was like a time bomb in the back of my head," he sighed.
"Well, did we diffuse it?" she asked.
He smiled a little. "I think so."
"Good," she said, patting his arm. "Come on, it's really late now," she said, standing up.
He took her offered hand to climb to his feet. "Thank you," he said, sincerely.
"You're welcome, honey. Any time," she smiled. "Now get some sleep. Tim's going to be up before both of us, at this rate."
"I will," he said, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder as he went back towards the room where Tim still lay sleeping. He looked down on his friend for a moment, making sure he was sleeping peacefully, then crawled into his own bed and was asleep within moments.