Disclaimer: I do not own Andromeda ,and I don't make any money off this story.
Harper's thoughts after the loss of earth and the defeat of the Abyss
Harper leaned up against the conduit wall, exhausted. You would think after killing the Abyss life would get easier, but it had been anything but easy. Battle after battle they had been thrown into and not always on the winning side. Beka being matriarch was supposed to make things easier not worse. Few prides had chosen to follow her knowing it would mean being a part of the commonwealth they hated, and the ones who had joined were to small in his mind too be of any real help, leaving Andromeda and what was left of a commonwealth to fight what appeared to him as a losing battle.
Harper closed his eyes and rested his head on his knees. He was physically and mentally drained. There had been little time for him to recover from the shock of losing his home. He couldn't believe it was gone, really gone. No home, no family, no hope of a free earth… no nothing. He had tried not to think about it, and with all the battles they had been in it had been easy enough to push aside, but as he sat there the loss and the pain of loss surfaced and he quietly wept.
Earth had been hell he knew, but it was still his home and now it was gone. He had always held a small hope that someday he would return and continue his cousin's fight to free earth. The thought of his cousin made Harper cringe. He felt guilty for running not once, but twice; leaving his cousin to fight for earth alone. He would gladly endure any hardships now if he could just have that time back. He felt responsible for not being there, for not helping sooner, for not caring until it was too late. He could feel his anger growing the more he thought about it. He wanted nothing more now than to fight those responsible for destroying his home .He needed to make them pay, but nothing he did seemed like enough though, not enough for earth, and if his failure to help earth wasn't bad enough, he couldn't even make himself useful here on the ship.
He wanted to be more involved in the missions, to do something important, but to add insult to injury; Dylan didn't seem to want him anywhere at all. The thought of his friend made his heart sink. He knew that his friendship with Dylan was shaky, and he had no clue how he could ever regain his friend's trust. He knew he had disappointed all his friends on Seefria. The thought of it made him slink down the wall of the conduit even further. He had seen the look on their faces at what and who he had become. He wasn't proud of it, but he had done what he had to do to survive. They had no clue how bad it had even been. Three years alone in that place, had almost driven him mad. He shivered at the thought, knowing how close he had been to losing it.
Maybe he had lost it. Seefria had changed him he knew that. He no longer had the confidence he once had. He had begun double and triple checking all his work, fearful that he had made mistakes. He worked himself into the ground day and night, just trying to make things right. Dylan was annoyed with him, he could tell. His captain voice was becoming louder at every call. Harper do this, Harper do that , Harper are you done fixing that yet, it took everything he had to keep from breaking down himself. He did his best to hide his tears, and his frustrations.
He wasn't coping well; he knew it, but what could he do? No one wanted to baby sit a kludge, besides he hadn't even seen any of his friends. Even Andromeda had been silent. He couldn't even remember the last time he had even talked to any of his friends. They we're busy saving the universe again. They had no time for a stupid kludge and his nightmares. The tears fell freely now as he remembered the dream. People crying in agony begging for his help. He reached out to help them, but with every reach they would move further out of his grasp. Then they would be all around him screaming, so loud he could barely stand it, and then there would be nothing but darkness and silence. He had woken up from this dream night after night until he could no longer bear to close his eyes. He had told no one, but he doubted they would care. They had more important things to worry about. He was alone, truly alone, and as the thought hit him, he laid curled in a ball in the conduit, tears flowing freely, needing to be held, wanting to be held, but getting nothing.