Grandfather Says

a brief foray into Genso Suikoden III

by Mithrigil Galtirglin

Part one:

Grandfather has instructed me to keep a journal, for "posterity". He says that he has been doing it since he was younger than I. In that case I wish I had not waited until now, but then, I have not had much to write about. He has only begun to teach me about war. It makes sense that I should learn to write properly before I write about anything real. When I was first learning to write, it was always about now-things, the sky and the coldness and how many people lived in my house. Now Grandfather says I should write about things that used to be now-things, maybe they are called then-things, because it is from the past that we learn, Grandfather says.

I will have a baby brother or sister soon. That is something to learn from. Mother and Father have told me precisely how it happened. I do not like gardening as much now. That is also why I am staying with Grandfather now, because Mother says the baby is about to do what flowers do, only out of Mother instead of the ground, and she is too sick to take care of me. Grandfather says that she was not as ill when she was "pregnant" with me. I think that this brother or sister is not as good as I, if Mother is sick because of him or her being inside her, but maybe when it is outside of her she will get better. Maybe she should keep a journal too so she will learn not to get sick when being planted in. I told this to Grandfather and he told me it was a "stute". I cannot find that word in the dictionary, so Grandfather must have made it on his own, or else I did not hear it properly.

I have been at Grandfather's house before. It is called Altestein. Grandfather says that because we have a last name our "estates" are supposed to also. Mother and Father and I do not live on an "estate", because Father is in the army now. It is strange, not having a proper house. I do not remember ever having one. Now Mother is living at a "spa" with the doctors. I do not know what city it is in. Before that we were for a long time, almost two seasons, in Gregminster. Before that we were in Radat. Before that we were in Higheast. Before that we were also in Gregminster, but not the same house. I am forgetting the order of the places before that, but I was very small, so I do not think it matters. I could ask Grandfather. I think I will later.

Altestein is a beautiful house. We are twenty people now I am staying here too. Grandfather of course, and Fivel, and Miss Kiera, and six and ten other servants live here. When I am not here they are only nineteen. I am learning all of the servants' names now. They do not seem like bad people. They are all older than Mother and Father. I think that Grandfather prefers to be with older people because he is almost old too. Grandfather says that most of the servants have been at Altestein their whole lives. I do not know if I am jealous of them. I love Altestein. I am glad that now I live here. Perhaps when the baby comes out of Mother she will come here and we will both be living at Altestein with Grandfather.

Grandfather says that Altestein is more than just the house. All estates are more than just houses, he says. There are some little houses and a well and many fields and a whole big forest that surrounds the house on all four sides. The forest is closer at the back of the house than it is at the front, because there is a road in the front. The house is at the end of a road. In the carriage on the way here I counted the trees at the side of the road between Altestein and the house before it on the road, and got two hundred six and thirty on the left side. Father said once that Grandfather is like a "hermit" because he puts so much space between himself and other people. I think it is true but that it is not a bad thing.

Grandfather says that I will be helping him with this war, because he says I am old enough to learn about war, and the best way to learn war is to be a part of it. But he says I should not do what Father does and be in the army. It is not the "roll" of a Silverberg to fight, Grandfather says. It is the "roll" of a Silverberg to make sure that the fighting ends as quickly as possible, and in order to do that the Silverberg has to be where he can see as much of the fighting as possible, not just the enemy in front of him but the enemies everywhere. And it is also because of this that a Silverberg should not be the person in charge of the war, because the person in charge of the war is the person the other side wants to kill the most, so the Silverberg has to look like he is not in charge of the war but still control it. Grandfather says that it is like walking around with a big tray full of glasses of wine and trying not to spill them. I said that that was servant's work, but Grandfather said that Silverbergs are servants too. I am not sure how I feel about that.

I think this means that the servants must really be in charge of the house. I do not think that is a good thing to tell Grandfather.

Grandfather says that tomorrow night I will be staying up very late to help him with the war. He says not to tell anyone because everyone who has to know already knows and that the people who do not know should not know. I understand. I think I will sleep a lot during the day, but that might let the people who do not know what is going on know that something is not right. I will ask Grandfather what to do, but when no one else can hear. I think perhaps that I will go to sleep and then wake up later, but I am already very excited to be learning more that I am not tired. I will sleep, though. It is the sensible thing to do.

Part two:

Grandfather killed two men tonight. I think it means more than it looked like. I have calmed down enough now to write but I still cannot sleep. I have been trying to. Every time I close my eyes I get closer to sleeping but I listen to the sounds of my heart coming out of my ears and remember that those men had hearts too until the demon ate them. I feel like my own heart is louder now, like when I have run for too long, only that usually goes away after only a little time and I do not know how long it has been but that it is much longer than it usually takes for my heart to stop making so much noise. I think the demon must have heard it when he appeared because he looked at me.

Grandfather says to be strong. He says that if I am like him then I will be safe from the demon. The demon is very beautiful. He is not like the demons in the stories Father sometimes tells. The demon is as tall as a tree, but a small tree, and his skin is not a snake's or a dragon's. He has very long hair the color of Lightning Runes. Grandfather and the demon talked a lot about things but I could not hear because I was so scared and did not want to show them that I was scared because Grandfather said to be strong. I want to cry so much and I think I am going to but know that I should not.

I did not know that I would be helping Grandfather with killing people. He did not tell me all of what was going to happen and I am angry at him. I do not know if I would have helped him if he had told me that he was going to kill two men. I think I would have but at least I would not have been so scared when he killed them. But first he told me not to be scared and I told him that I would not be, so I do not think I was as scared as I would have been because I expected something scary to happen. I did not think the scary thing would be Grandfather making his hand bleed. Or that he would kill two men. But that comes later. And I am still scared about it.

One of the men was a priest. I knew because of his funny hat. He was asleep when Grandfather killed him. The other was just an old peasant and he was awake. I think I was less scared for the peasant but that might have been because the peasant was the first the Grandfather killed and I was more scared for Grandfather. He killed the peasant with his hands like a wolf but his hands were the teeth. The peasant was moving so much that I thought Grandfather was more in danger than the peasant was. I think it happened very fast. I think it was too fast for me to be really afraid. He killed the priest quicker but I knew what was going on then and so I got so scared that I almost dropped the fancy goblet I was holding. Grandfather had put milk in the goblet, which made me sleepy, but he had also put the blood from his hand in there too and it did not taste like mine. Blood makes me sleepy. Sometimes I bite the inside of my mouth when I get scared and then it bleeds and I feel tired. I do not think I did that when Grandfather was killing the men but I know that I did it when the demon came. There was a lot of green and red light like trees on fire and then the demon was there. He was naked and tall and beautiful and I was so afraid that I could not move even though I wanted to hide behind grandfather and I felt very cold.

I think I understand why Grandfather killed those men. The demon is going to make the war shorter. I am not certain why Grandfather cut his own hand first or why I had to drink the blood but I will think about it some more. It is getting easier to think about things. I think I may even be less scared now. Maybe I am not as scared as other children would have been because I can write about this. Maybe that means I am stronger than they. I want to go to sleep.

I cannot sleep. I tried again and now it is not just my heart but the crickets are also keeping me awake. There were a lot of crickets around the little house where Grandfather killed those two men. I think the sun will rise soon. Grandfather told me that I do not have to be awake for breakfast because I was awake in the little house but I think I will be awake for breakfast anyway because I cannot sleep. But I have to pretend that I did sleep or else the people who are not supposed to know about the demon will know that something is not right. I think if I pretend that nothing happened Grandfather will be pleased with me. I think that will show Grandfather and the demon that I am not afraid. Even if I am afraid I have to look like I am not because then I will be safe. Grandfather says that only a fool knows not fear but knowing fear and showing fear are not the same thing.

I feel better now.