Chapter 4

Breakups aren't supposed to feel good, are they? Especially when you're the one on the receiving end? But as I sit alone at a small outdoor coffee shop in Alexandria all I can do is breathe a big sigh of relief of the entanglement I've been released from.

Annie Pendry.

I had been infatuated with the woman for years, secretly pining for her and hiding the jealousy I held over Luke who would eventually marry her. He was my best friend, my confidant and the feelings I had for his wife were sinful at times. Shame and that secret brotherhood code kept me from doing something utterly stupid.

I recall when we first met Annie Miller, the pretty dark blond girl that worked the register at her father's greasy spoon, a spot just off base in Pensacola that everyone in the Navy seemed to frequent. She'd seen her fair share of young Navy officers, avoided plenty of advances until Luke.

She was 'girl next door' kind of good looking and extremely sweet to boot. Annie was the kind type I could see myself marrying - a woman who could stay home and tend to the kids while her flyboy husband headed off to sea. I was attracted to her and wanted her badly just because she resisted my advances and settled her sights on Luke. I wanted her because she fell in love with someone else. I wanted her because the moment they met, she took my best friend away.

I wasn't the kind of guy she wanted although I knew she had some sort of feelings for me by the way she would smile and flirt although it was always measured. My chance came after one of many arguments with Luke when I offered to walk Annie home and she accepted. To this day I don't know what happened or how we wound up sitting on a bench at a local park kissing. It was soft and sweet, not exactly passionate but I remembered wanting more.

"I like you Harm." Annie said once we finally parted.

"That kiss says you more than just 'like' me." And I brushed my lips against hers again never realizing the gold circle wrapped around her ring finger or the diamond that sat on top.

"I do like you, Harm. But, I love Luke." That was when she showed me the ring, small and simple because Luke Pendry didn't come from means. He scraped every cent he owned into giving her his version of the World and that bright smile on her face meant Annie was more than accepting.

Still, I wasn't the type to give up easily or lose. It was foolish on my part and as ashamed as it makes me today, a young Ensign Rabb didn't know better. "I could fall in love with you."

"If things were different, maybe but, let's face it Harm…I'm not the kind of girl for you."

"Oh no? And what kind is that?"

"Fast and loose...you'd be bored of me in a week."

….

My infatuation for her burned on and off for years until Luke's untimely death brought us closer. I wanted to care for her and their son, I wanted to be the man she confessed her secrets to. I was still dreaming of that young, innocent girl I had met in flight school - the one with the pretty smile and a good heart.

What I found wasn't the sweet woman I once knew.

Dating Annie Pendry was something of a chore. She needed constant care, conversation and reassurances that I couldn't even give myself. I chalked it up to Luke's death and the fear military life had instilled in her but, then I remembered the hints my best friend had given me - the arguments that led him to believe she was losing her mind far before her neurosis became so apparent. Spending the night in her arms wasn't quite the way I'd envisioned in the past.

It was nice, too nice - a chaste kind of sex almost as of she were ashamed that our bodies could join in such a way.

Had it not been for obvious reasons, I could have sworn she was a virgin and no matter how many times we had sex I could tell she would just go through the motions just to appease me. We settled into a relationship of sorts and that family life I wanted deteriorated with each passing day until her illness presented itself.

If Mac would have been around she would have said something, warned me and shed a little light on what was never meant to work out. She would have chastised me for taking Josh on that Tiger cruise. I would have been pissed at her meddling but, at the end, an 'I told you so!' would have been warranted.

Everything that I did or didn't so was cause for commentary which would eventually lead to arguments. She hated my late nights at work and early morning runs. She hated the Navy and Josh's desire to become a pilot. She even hated that group photo on my shelf - the one of a ball I attended with Mac. Perhaps she hated it because, although we were amongst the JAG staff, Mac was the woman in the long black dress I had my arm wrapped around. "You look like a couple."

I shrugged, not really noticing it until then. "Mac and me were never involved. We fought like cats and dogs."

"So you're secretly in love with her?"

Dear God… Was I?

It wasn't long after that comment that our break finally came and Annie announced that she never wanted to see me again. I can't exactly find myself upset about it. I sit in the coffee shop feeling like a condemned man that was just let out for good behavior.

Happy as a free bird I finish my coffee, pay the bill and walk out into the cool fall day. I'm crossing the street when I hear a familiar voice that makes me stop dead in my tracks. It's her. It's Mac and for a moment I'm wondering if she's a hallucination.

She's dressed in something fancier than I'm accustomed to seeing on her - a women's business 'suit' that looks far too expensive for a Major's pay grade. Pearls are dangling from her neckline and there's a man I don't know dangling from Mac. She laughs at something he said, that sounds like a balm I never knew could coat my soul.

And then he kisses her and I never wanted to kill someone with my bare hands so badly. "Major?" I call out to her knowing Mac is not in the Corps anymore and hadn't been for several months.

The sound of her rank still makes her search out and when she spots me an equal look of happiness and apprehension crosses her beautiful face. "Commander? Harm?"

I double my efforts to reach her but stop short when my instinct was to pull her into my arms and hug her. The man at her side is now holding her possessively and my want to hurt him grows tenfold. "Major, nice to see you."

"It's just Mac now. Haven't been in the Corps for six months."

I know this because three months ago I sought to find her only to discover she'd tendered her resignation. It hurt something awful to even think I was partially to blame for this. If I hadn't given her the impression I saw Diane whenever I looked her way. If I'd been truthful from the start. If I'd realized I'd been falling. If...If...If… If I wasn't such an idiot. "I know. You resigned. Why?"

Mac looks up at the man at her side and leans into him. She smiles happily and gives him this dreamy expression that has me seeing green or maybe red? "I got an offer...a big one. It was time to see how the other side lives. How's JAG?"

I shrug. "Haven't shot up any courtrooms lately so I guess everything is fine. You're missed though." And I hope she sees in my eyes that the one doing most of the missing was me.

We stare at one another for a moment and I see something flash in those beautiful eyes. Regret? Longing? I really hope she missed me too. Did she think about me like I did her? Did she compare him to me? And who the hell is this asshole in a suit whose arm is now even tighter wrapped around Mac?

The slimeball at her side clears his throat understandably upset that she hadn't made introductions. He's good looking but, I am a head taller and know that tends to intimidate most men. "I'm sorry Dalton Lowne, this is Harmon Rabb, my former partner at JAG."

The word former stings a little but I hide it behind a terse smile as Dalton takes my hand and holds it a little too tightly to which I return the favor. A grin splits my mouth as I notice that his hands are soft like a woman's and I resist the urge to roll my eyes at how well manicured he is. This prick hasn't seen a hard day in his life, doesn't work with his hands and is wearing a rather expensive Armani suit - I hate him. I'm sure Mac finds him 'nice' but honestly, I don't see the allure.

"Harm."

"Dalton." When he finally lets me go it's only to snake his arm around Mac's waist again in an overt male way of staking his claim. It's also a sign of insecurity.

Of all the men I could have seen in Mac's life he wasn't it. Way too put together, not manly at all, too pretty boy for a woman that could be quite the handful. I know what Mac needs and this sure as shit ain't it no matter how much money he has.

"Sarah says you were quite the team at JAG?"

WHAT?! Sarah? He called her Sarah? I don't call her Sarah! Sonofa… I feel my face fall involuntarily and cheesedick knows he's won this round. His smile widened and I clear my throat and straightened up to full height in order to hide my own insecurity. "We were. Mac's a very talented lawyer. I'm proud to have served with her."

"Her talents were being wasted in the Marines, I assure you. Plus, she's much too beautiful to wear that drab uniform." The smarmy asshole has the balls to straighten Mac's pearls. I wait for her to end him, flip the prick onto the sidewalk and trample over him with her heels.

No...she blushes. She's blushing and looks so damned cute which only makes my hostility for Darrien...Damien...whoever shoots through the roof. "Dalton, stop. I miss that drab uniform." She suddenly seems apprehensive, I can tell by the way her eyes darken and I realize that the 'big offer' may not be all it's cracked up to be.

"You looked good in that uniform." Really good and I thank God the Marines have that tailored fit. It hugged her in all of the right places making her look sexy. Yes, sexy in uniform. And damn, Mac's legs. They were being hidden now by pinstripe black slacks, a travesty as I recall her crossing and uncrossing said legs - the 'drab' uniform raising up a little. Her skin always seemed so soft and silky and I pushed away the thought of what they would feel like beneath my palms or wrapped around my waist as we….. "I thought you were in San Diego? I called to check in and you were gone."

"Harm...I…"

"That's where we met." Dalron interrupts with a smarmy smile. "Took some coaxing but I convinced Sarah to come back to Washington." He stares at Mac lovingly and my desire to dismember him grows unchecked. I ball my hand into a tight fist that even my short nails dig into the palm painfully so but it's the only thing keeping me from lashing out and hurting him. I want to hurt him although I doubt Mac would appreciate it. "So? You're Air Force?"

Thankfully a shrill of his mobile phone cuts the tension that had begun to thicken the air. I felt it, I'm sure Mac did too. The prick excuses himself, turns away and takes several steps down the sidewalk leaving Mac and me somewhat alone. Her eyes are cast down, something I've rarely ever seen. She's always been the epitome of rock solid strength and this meeting has clearly had an affect on both of us. "How long have you been back?" I ask and can't hide my surprise when Mac says it's been about four months.

Four months. Added all up it's been something along the lines of seven months since I'd last seen her. "And you didn't think to say hi?"

She sighs and I'm at a loss, my heart feels like it had been ripped right out of my chest. Seven months since I last saw her and now this freshly minted version stands in front of me. Too prim, too proper, still just as classy but so not Mac. Not my Mac. I prefer her in the drab green, the jeans she wears when dressing down that wrap around her like a second skin.

Mac shakes her head. "I didn't want to call you. We didn't exactly part on good terms."

"Whose fault was that? Next thing I knew you were on the other side of the country. You never really let me explain. "

Her eyes meet mine holding their gaze softly. There are unshed tears and yet again I feel that stupid pang over my heart. "There wasn't much to explain. Your eyes say the things your words never can. They're saying it now."

"I'm not seeing Diane." I vehemently deny it because it's true. I haven't thought much about my Academy sweetheart in the last few months. My life had been touched by the loss of a different woman, one very much alive but unwilling to speak to me.

"I don't believe you."

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way but, it's the truth." I bring a hand up to caress the side of her face and feel a tingle, electricity that makes both our eyes widen in shock. "You're missed at JAG you know. It's not the same without you."

"Who misses me? Other than Harriet and Bud no one else has bothered keeping in touch." She means me. Of course she means me because it took three months before my pride allowed me to contact her and by then, it was too late.

"I miss you, Mac."

She snorts at my words and my hand caressing her cheek drops back to my side. Mac takes a step back away from me as if my presence is repulsive. "You have a funny way of showing it. Look Harm, we had some good moments. I learned a lot from you and I will always be indebted. But, I think it's better if we stay as far away from each other as possible."

Oh no. No. I can't let her go again because I know that this time, it would be forever and I would lose her to him. And he doesn't deserve her, not one bit. "Why? What did I do so wrong that we can't fix this?"

"If you have to ask…" Mac seems like she wants to say something more, her mouth opens and then closes again. She sighs and it's almost as if she was carrying the weight of the World just this moment. "Nevermind...Just… nevermind.. Bye Harm have a good life."

"Mac wait… Mac please."

I sound desperate but I don't care, not one bit. But my ego takes a blow because I hadn't realized what they were standing next to once I'd caught up to Mac and...whatever his name is. It's a Porsche, black, sleek and fast. Funny, I would have thought the prick would drive a Mercedes. "Sarah. We have to head back to the office." He says holding the door open for her and that stab of jealousy almost crushes me.

"Nice car." I manage to croak out.

"Yeah, but it's no tomcat." She lowers her head as if shamed and, without looking at me slides into the leather seat. They speed away moments later taking my heart with her.