Chapter 14

We're in the conference room Mac sitting next to me and my hand discreetly reaches under the table and grabs hers. I squeeze reassuringly, let my fingers linger a little while longer all the while ignoring the blubbering idiot that is Mic Brumby. He's arguing with Farrow, using harsh words that make we want to forget I am an officer, jump across this table and throttle him. He had the audacity to berate me, Bud and even the Admiral accusing that we protected Mac because we're all 'a little in love with her.'

Clearly he is. I've seen the leering since the moment he joined the team, the innuendos that Mac continually side steps. I will have a conversation with him once this is all over, the man to man kind that will teach him to properly speak to a lady. I feel Mac's hand take mine, barely a touch but it calms me somewhat. I'm sure she can tell I'm pissed.

It's been a few days since I took her home after a brief stay at the police precinct. She slept in my arms for the rest of the night but I couldn't find a moment of rest. I slipped out of her bed and called the Admiral, apprised him of the situation and told him neither of us would be going in. He was upset but understood and asked me to care for her. "You fixed my door?"

It was late afternoon when she appeared in her living room, freshly showered but her eyes were still puffy from crying. I was screwing in the last hinge, testing it to make sure that it closed properly. "The super had a few in the basement. It still needs your apartment number and a coat of paint but at least it's not broken. I changed your locks too." I hand her the new set of keys and she stares at them as if I'd given her a ring.

"You didn't have to."

"I wanted to."

"Thank you." She kissed my cheek and brought her arms around me and we held onto one another.

"Are you hungry? I cooked. Lasagna."

Mac shakes her head and settles into the sofa bringing me down with her. Her head drops on my shoulder and I am filled with the overwhelming need to take care of her. I have to and am the only one that can. "No. I just need you."

"Commander?!" The sound of my rank brings me out of my thoughts and I find three pairs of eyes staring at me. I pull my hand out of Mac's as if we'd been caught and glance up to find Brumby with an angered expression and Farrow sporting the same. "Leave us Brumby. I need to speak to Commander Rabb alone."

Brumby exhales loudly. "Sir, I don't think that is a very good idea, it can incriminate you further."

"I don't give a shit what you think is good or bad. I'm not here to add another point to your win column. I need to speak to Commander Rabb now. Do I need to make this an order?" That booming voice of a CO isn't one to mess with. I respect Farrow and know his subordinates did too but I also guess he isn't a man to disrespect and given his last foray in a courtroom, he has too much pride to let a legal weenie tell him what to do. "I said now. Major MacKenzie, you as well I'm afraid."

"Of course, sir." Mac's fingers brush mine one last time and she leaves before Brumby can catch up with her. I have a right mind to tell him to keep away but Farrow's glare is warning enough.

John stands and begins to pace on his side of the room, his hands are clasped behind his back and I feel like his subordinate he's about to unleash his wrath on. "What in the hell are you doing, Commander? Are you deliberately trying to wreck Sarah's career?"

"What?"

"You heard me. JAG's poster boy and you're letting the prosecution have their way with her. I thought I could trust you. She told me I could trust you but clearly you are just as much of a piece of shit lawyer as Brumby."

I react.

I react very very badly.

I''m not sure if I've jumped over the conference room table or ran that quickly to the opposite side. All I know is that my hands are on Farrow shoving him into the wall behind. I pin him effortlessly but am aware that he likely knows at least five different ways to get out of my grip and kill me. Before he does I hear myself speak and all of the insecurity I've bottled up since first meeting him spews out of my mouth like a vile poison.

"I fucking hate you….I hate that you've been with her. I hate that you're probably the most decent thing to happen to Mac in her whole life...I hate that you've seen her naked and I hate that she went to you instead of me. I hate you and want to rip you apart with my bare hands."

Farrow laughs and practically rolls his eyes at my outburst. "Well Commander, guess what? I hate you too...I hate that Sarah is in love with you."

My hands lose their grip although I'm still holding him against the wall. Despite my height I suddenly feel like I am barely four feet tall and all of the steam I've built up in the last few days putters out significantly. She's in love with me?

"Do you love her?" He asks and I stay silent, my grip relaxing enough that he's able to escape and push back so that I careen into the table behind. "Do. You. Love. Her?" He punctuates. "It's a simple yes or no question."

I glare up at him, wondering why he feels he has the right to ask me that. "What is this?"

"Answer me or are you too pussy to admit your feelings?"

"Are you testing me? What do my feelings for her have to do with the trial?"

He stands tall before me, a man that knows something I won't quite admit to myself. "You think I can't see the way she looks at you? Or the way you look at her? Or how you were either touching her or holding her hand under that table a few minutes ago? I'm not an idiot, Commander and I can give a shit about my career. I'd give it up for her. I'd give my life for her. To be with her."

I don't say anything, I can't because I'm much too stunned to hear him speak. His life? His career? For a woman? Only she's not just any woman to me, not to him either.

Besides my mother and grandmother I haven't had that profound revelation. But then, they are my blood and I would give my all to protect them. Outside of that it's hard to quantify.

Diane flashes through my mind and I find I haven't been thinking much about her at all. This last week has been about Mac. Her case, her feelings and the way she has jumbled my thoughts that I've come to realize aren't so rational and I don't really want them to be.

I can't say I would have given my life for Diane Shonke but, I nearly have for Sarah MacKenzie multiple times. And I would again without being asked to. My heart is another matter altogether because not even Diane took it. Not that she really tried to. More and more I felt she was toying with me, leading me on and I don't know why.

Sarah just appeared in my life like a cool Oasis in the middle of the dry desert. I hadn't realized how much I needed her in my life until she left with Dalton and I felt so empty.

"Cat got your tongue, Harm?"

I blink a few times, bringing my eyes to focus on the man hovering over me. He looks angry and although I am not the type to cower his stare is unnerving. "Mac's a special lady." I stammer out realizing I sound like an idiot.

"That's all you got?" He takes a step back and folds his arms across his chest. "Back then I would have hung it up for her. All Sarah had to do was ask. Only she had a life ahead of her, a promising career and I wasn't going to trap her. I loved her that much. So I'll ask you again: Do you love her?"

A weight settles on my chest so heavy it feels like I will never be able to breathe. The room spins, my vision tunnels until finally I admit out loud what I can't seem to tell her. "Yes. Yes, I love her."

"But, are you in love with her?"

His voice carries, echoes within the room and I wish to God lightning would crash through the window and strike me dead. I've tried to stop myself from falling because I'm terrified of it. I don't want to know the pain of loss if we crash and burn. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out and Farrow grabs me by the lapels. "Answer me, Commander. Are you in love with her?"

"I don't know." I sigh and expect Farrow to punch me, he winds up to do so and then stops himself and lets me go. Something flashes in his eyes, disappointment which turns to anger when I offer a feeble excuse. "It's complicated. It's me... I'm complicated."

"Then uncomplicate it. You can't live behind regs forever, Commander. I've learned that the hard way."

It isn't the regs although I know that would be a challenge. It isn't the UCMJ or the sense of propriety but that hole in my heart that won't seem to disappear. "You don't understand...There was another woman years ago...I loved her...She was murdered a few years back and I can't let it go."

"I'm sorry."

"Mac looks just like her. A twin although the differences I can see them now. I can't do this with her unless I let Diane go."

"I had a wife once, she died in a car wreck. Part of me never recovered until Sarah." His tone softens and I see him relax visibly. "If you don't want to be with her then tell her so. I promise I'll be there to help her, fix all the broken pieces and I don't care how long that takes. Sarah is special to me, always will be."

Yes, that's what she is - special, amazing, wonderful, beautiful and so many more descriptions I can't express. Farrow pats me on the shoulder and my brain snaps back to the present. "I need to know what happened in order to save her. She's too busy protecting you to tell me the truth. Who actually shot him, John?"

"Mac protects those she loves, much like you do, Commander. I hate to say it but, you're a good fit... I mean what I said, I love her and will do anything to keep her safe...anything."

"I would too." Even give up my career- a thought that scares the hell out of me but I would. I would throw it all away if it meant her life or death. "Give me something that works, John and I promise you I can fix this."

Farrow motions to the closed door. "I'll bring Mac in, alone without that blathering idiot and make sure she tells you everything but I want Brumby far away from our case. I just want you working on it."

"Deal...And sir?" He stops mid stride, doing a crisp turn to face me. "You know what I hate most about you?... I don't hate you at all."

He grins. "The feeling's mutual."