Chapter 15

"I didn't mean for this to happen." Mac's voice is a whisper and her breathing - and mine - finally regulates after our second round of sex.

She lays on top of me, head on my shoulder and I'm still inside of her. One of her hands is splayed over my chest and curled up slightly. She's sweaty and so am I and I find myself drifting out of this moment to compare her to Diane.

We had those post-coital moments, of course but either both of us were rushing off to work or we'd end up fighting. I never understood why, even on our best days we couldn't just lay like this, quietly holding one another. Hell, I'm not the cuddling type but hearing Mac's even breath, feeling her hold me... I want more of this.

Sex with Diane was never this crazy kind of good where we're both blissfully exhausted beyond words. It wasn't the sort to make me break promises or vows like I did with Mac. But, who am I kidding? Sex with Mac isn't just sex.

We make love.

From the first time until now it's this feeling I get when I'm inside her that leaves me at a complete loss for words. And it's Mac I see where we're like this no one else but her. And I did break a vow, both of us did because even before her trial ended, we agreed that for things to work we needed a sort of break...

"Whatever John told you, it's a lie." Mac was pissed, slamming the door of my office after I spoke privately to Farrow. It causes my diploma to fall off the wall and she barely notices.

"No, I don't think it was." It was sobering, two men feeling so strongly about one woman. The knowledge that he was waiting for me to fuck up unnerved me when I was still 'on the fence' over Mac. "What aren't you telling me?"

Her fists roll into balls and that beautiful face of her contorts as if she's in pain. "I shot him, Harm. I know you don't want to believe that but I shot my husband. There's nothing else to tell."

I sigh. Damn do I hate this stubborn side of her especially when all I want is for her do be exonerated for something, I know what's her fault. "Was John there? Was he protecting you in some way? Goddamnit, Sarah, answer me that! I am not the enemy!" I stand and slam my hands into the hard wood of the desk, it hurts like hell and scares the both of us. I stare her down and she looks back at me no longer in anger.

Mac's shoulders slump and she all but collapses into one of my guest chairs. I see her pause, compose herself with a deep breath and brush away one tear. I hate seeing her cry, I hate it because I know whatever it is I can fix if she would just let me. "I'm not your enemy...I want to protect you, can't you see that? Why won't you let me?"

"Because, I don't know how to. I learned to take care of myself, to not lean on anyone and I don't want to start that now."

"Why?"

She frowns and wipes away another tear. I hadn't realized how much we'd slipped into the intimate spots of each others lives so easily. "I feel too much for you, Harm. And when this ends...it's gonna hurt me like hell."

"We didn't break up."

"Not yet, no."

I come around the desk and sit on the other guest chair, a need to be near her overwhelming my thinking process. The blinds are open, anyone can see in but, I don't care, no one bit. I take her hand in mine, kiss the palm gently and continue to hold it. "Tell me, please. Let me defend you... you and John who I suspect is currently busy firing Brumby."

"You'll defend him?" She seems shocked and I nod. "Why?"

Because he loves you. Because he wants the best for you. Because he's a better man than I am. "Because I can and because I don't think this was his fault or yours."

"But, I shot him. I wanted to shoot him."

"Why? What the hell happened?"

The story is somewhat convoluted like the bad plot to some fucking soap opera brought out into the real life. Chris had followed her to Okinawa somehow all in the hopes of winning her back and what he found was that she'd moved on with Farrow. It wasn't just the brief interlude that she'd originally described, it went on for far longer than it should have. Farrow lied to me about tryst is well but I realize he was covering for her, saving her and himself in the process.

His return was nothing more than a poor, pathetic excuse to siphon money out of her when a loan shark came calling. She should have just let them kill Chris, I think with a smirk but his return had made her an unwilling accomplice. If he wouldn't pay, they would go after Mac and were the culprits responsible for breaking her door when she harbored her ex for one night.

"He wanted more money?"

Mac nodded. "I went to John... I went to warn him that Chris knew and was blackmailing us."

"You should have come to me." I have the cash, I have more than she could imagine stuffed away for a rainy day. If not, I had where to find it and without question any amount would have been given to me. She knows that, our trip to Russia required extra funds and Mac was aware where I procured them from.

"No. This wasn't about you. This was my mistake. Mine and John's and..." She stops talking when my hand squeezes hers again.

"You should have come to me..."

She swallows hard and when I hold her gaze I see the corner of her eyes filling with unshed tears. She shuts them tightly, slips her hand out of mine and stands. Mac's hand comes to her head as if she's stopping a headache and then I hear her speak in a voice so fragile it hurts. "He was going to kill you."

Mac tells me that Chris knew about us. He'd been following her for months. "I thought it was Dalton...and after Coster... I thought it was done, it was over. I kept feeling this...odd sense when I was alone. I thought it was some sort of PTSD and I felt it again when Chris barged back into my life. He knew about us, you and me. He promised to hunt you down... he promised to kill you, Harm. All because of me."

What had begun as blackmail turned into something far more sinister and she needed help. Mac went to Farrow not to warn him, but to protect me... not herself... me. I understand know why John had been so mysterious, why his reasons for being at the hotel during the murder were so vague. "I had to stop him."

Chris grabbed the pistol Mac had thrown on the bed, pressed it into her hand and turned it on himself. He dared her to shoot, promising her over and over that he would destroy her life if she didn't return to him. "I wanted to...I had to."

"Self-defense. That's what we'll go with." And locating the loan shark wouldn't hurt either.

Mac shifts again and my arms wrap around her while tugging at a blanket to keep her warm. Our bodies are still connected and I'm reluctant to let that go. "We weren't supposed to do this again." She looks up at me and smiles sadly. "Wasn't that the agreement?"

We won although it was a small victory considering she'd perjured herself and an article 32 was now hanging over her head. A mutual agreement to stay away until after the case was settled, was the agreement - a promise that made sense given how sex could sometimes cloud judgement. It was me that couldn't stay away.

It was just a quick visit, I swore to myself - drop off some donuts, hot chocolate and a few other goodies I know she loves. She wore just a robe and was freshly showered - her skin rosy - her hair slicked back. I lost my mind. I must have because in the span of seconds, I pounced.

I'm not exactly proud of myself losing control but, I figured Mac would have stopped me - she didn't. Instead she kissed me back with equal fervor, pressed herself against me and before I knew it Mac had led me to her bedroom. We made love passionately, each time better than the rest until she straddled my hips and took me inside of her on our last round.

"That was the agreement." I smile and push away the hair that has matted to her face. She seriously is the loveliest thing in my life - in all of my life. "I couldn't stay away."

"Mmm. You thought I was going out with Mic." I grins and I try to explain myself but she puts a hand on my mouth to stop me from babbling some incoherent stupidity. "I know you heard him ask me out but, I'm not interested in him...I'm interested in you."

Me...Just me. Not Farrow or Mic or any other bastard that could try to chase her - me. And a warm feeling comes over me that makes me let a breath out I wasn't sure I was holding. "I love you." She says and then settles her head against my chest. "Can we stay like this for a while?"

"We can stay like this forever." I say and find that it's the truth. I want a forever with her - someday. I take a deep breath and finally admit to her what I couldn't before. "I love you, Mac...I think I'm falling for you and it scares the hell out of me."

To my chagrin, when I glance down I don't find her staring at me wide eyed or with a sexy smile. She's asleep and doesn't hear a word I said...