Chapter 17

The feel of warm metal beneath my palm is oddly calming as is the sound of the rain that continues to fall in sheets. I take one long breath and then another, despite the ease that had settled my heart is still drumming it's deafening music in my ears.

I shouldn't be here. Much less holding a pistol in my hand with one in the chamber and fourteen more rounds at the ready. Someone has to do this. Someone has to avenge her death and after three years there's no one left to finish this but me.

I stare up and see the ship that has pulled into port and the normal melee that ensues with sailors and Marines disembarking and ready for liberty. They all file out in droves but I know there is one man onboard that will stay behind, his job requires him to do so and once he comes down that gangplank he'll meet the ending that he deserves.

Holbarth. The son of a bitch had harassed her endlessly. Sexual innuendos that went too far. Threats to destroy her career if Diane didn't sleep with him. He held some power over her and unleashed it at will, finally ending her life when her want to discuss things off record led to a bullet in her chest. I can still see her in that body bag, the Navy whites with a bloodstain that covered most of her chest. She was still beautiful even then and every regret I had hits me like a freight train.

I might have missed one letter, a copy that was meant for her commanding officer but somehow got mixed with letters to me. There was always one that I never read, the very last one I couldn't bring myself to tear open for some reason. I decided to put her to rest this night and burn the pictures, the letters, a past that was better left far behind. I needed that closure, it was time. That final letter called to me and it was clear in her writing, the fear of being terrorized. It was dumb luck his ship was docking tonight or maybe my destiny meant to be fulfilled.

Her pictures were spread across my coffee table, the letters sitting on the end each opened and holding secret messages that only escalated until the final one just a few weeks before she met her untimely death. My heart squeezed and an anger I thought had passed reared its ugly head. I wanted his blood on my hands, I wanted to end him just like Holbarth killed Diane.

I have to remind myself that my love for her had passed and that another had replaced her. I'm filled with a sense of guilt both for the woman that died at this very dock and the one I left behind at my apartment.

Mac, I'm sorry. She will never forgive me for this, I know that but, I just can't let it go.

"Harm! Don't!" My breath shutters as I hear her voice, Mac's voice pleading while standing in the pouring rain, her fists pounding against the closed window of my Corvette. This will end us, I know because there is no future to be had with a murderer, a fact that breaks my heart and surely will break hers as well. I knew loving her was a mistake but I couldn't stop falling until it was too late.

She was so lovely tonight wearing a light pink sweater and form fitting blank jeans. From her neck dangled a thick necklace that made my eyes wander towards her chest, her hands held an umbrella and the other an overnight bag. We had planned some time away from Washington, three days at a quaint hotel in Virginia. Work and play. She'd suggested and it sounded like the most wonderful thing in the World.

"You forgot?" Her eyes grew wide, accusatory and sad. God it hurt to see her look at me that way but it hurt even more when she noticed what was spread across the coffee table. It was deja vu, reminiscent of a time over a year ago when she'd first seen a picture of Diane which prompted her to leave JAG, Washington and me. "What's going on?"

I lied and told her that NCIS had contacted me about reopening Diane's case and she saw right through me. Mac kept me talking, asking personal questions I dared not answer until the words fell from my lips unchecked. "I know who killed her."

"You're going after him aren't you?" She finally asked and before I noticed, she pulled the pistol from where it was tucked at my belt and uncocked it.

"Give that back."

"What are you doing with a weapon?"

"It's for protection, Mac."

Another lie and the expression on her face turned icy. "Protection? Try again, flyboy."

"Give it back to me, now."

She didn't instead pulled the magazine out placing it on the kitchen island while holding the weapon. "You're willing to risk your career, your life? That's what's going to happen. You'll spend the rest of your time on Earrh rotting in Leavenworth with men you've put behind bars."

I hadn't thought about that, the countless criminals who would vie to make my life a living hell. Rapists, murderers, a plethora of sinners and me with a bullseye on my back. I wouldn't survive, I knew but there was no other way. "Who speaks for her? Who will bring him to justice?"

"The courts. A judge and jury. We grab all of this information and we take it to Chegwidden he'll…"

"It's inadmissible. You know that. It's been three years and that letter could have come from anywhere." I drop onto a barstool and sigh heavily knowing the clock is ticking, the long drive to Norfolk looming. "Did you know I was the prime suspect?"

"Yes."

"Did you know I was arrested?"

"What?...No."

That shocks her, her mouth dropping open as she settles next to me. "The NCIS officer pinned it on me… all of it. Diane was seeing one of the officers on board and I was the jilted ex. The only reason why I was let go was that the evidence was inconclusive, there was no trace of me in her car or on her."

"I'm sorry." Her hand dropped to my forearm, squeezing reassuringly. "I'll help you. Her death won't be in vain, I swear." She dropped the pistol in the palm of my hand and I returned it to it's spot at the small of my back. "Let me help you...let's nail that bastard. We can...you and me."

"Yes." I pretend to agree after a few long minutes of staring blankly at her. "We'll go to Chegwidden, I'll grab my keys."

She walked to the car with me, settled into the passenger seat, both of us drenched from the pounding rain. I rev the car, put it in gear and then stop just a few feet away from the building entrance. "Shit! The letters… they're still in my apartment."

"I'll get them."

And that was when I left her, Mac's intuition kicked in a second too late to realize I had played her for a fool. She stopped on her way up the steps and turned around to see me reach across and lock the door, sealing her out of the vehicle. I'm sorry. I wanted to say but the words wouldn't come out and all I could do was bring my hand up to my brow and salute her.

She looked heartbreakingly beautiful standing in the rain, her hair slicked back and messy at the edges, her clothes sticking to her body like a second skin. I should have told her that I loved her one last time. I should have made her promise to move on without me. Instead I drove off and left her behind.

I push open the car door once the rain stops, tuck the weapon into the small of my back and slowly make my way up to the dock. The grey ship looms ominously and groans as it fights its moorings in effort to get loose. I've always felt the ships were alive, the metal breathed wih each passage through its decks. It spoke to me now, warned me to leave but once most of the sailors had gone, a lone figure headed down the gangplank.

The hair at the back of my head stood up. The pistol at the small of my back grew hotter. I wanted to pull it out, aim and shoot until the last shell casing was spent. Then I wouls fall to my knees, place my hands above my head and wait for the MPs to haul me away.

Patince Harm.

I slow my breathing and call for Holbarth who stops in front of me wide-eyed. He knows me, of course he does because I interviewed him back then, he was at the dock when Turkay took me into custody. "Commander. Didn't realize they let out murders so quickly these days."

"And I didn't realize sick, harassing bastards like you could survive this long."

Holbarth snorts. "I didn't harass her. I merely tried to warn Schonke that her relarionshop with another officer on board would destroy her career."

I nod. "So you killed him too? To help her career?"

"I didn't kill anyone."

I take her last letter out of my pocket, hold it out to him between my thumb and index finger and he slowly grabs it. "She was scared of you. Enough that when you docked her first thought was to contact her CO and let him know you tried to rape her on the cruise."

He reads through the letter, eyes widening with shock. It's all there, all spelled out. The conversation she had with the skipper that never did anything. The harassment from Lam who wanted to stop her from going public. The details of how Holbarth pursue her even in her quarters until her bunkmate interrupted them. "This is inadmissible and you know that. It won't hold up in court."

"We're not going to court." I pull out the pistol and steadily train it on Holbarth. It's actually funny how quickly his attitude changes, how he takes a step back to get away from me. I've dreamt of this moment all day: the feel of the pistol in my band. The sweet click of the hammer as I press it into place. The trigger is hot under my thumb and Holbarth is now a bumbling mess which begs for me to stop.

"Harm! Stop!" A voice echoes behind me. A voice that heals and grounds me. It's sweet and wonderful and the scent that accompanies that voice wafts into my nostrils like the sweetest of smells asmist the noxious fumes off the dock.

Mac. My Mac, who would never leave my side. I love her. I love her so damned much.

She's here and she's too late. My finger has already pulled the trigger.