Rodney was relieved to be back his own quarters. After Kate had cleared him, he had been allowed to leave. Beckett wanted to see him twice a day for a week and he had two more sessions with Kate, but all that mattered for now was that he was free.
Rodney still felt strange, he had never felt this kind of cold stillness before. He was normally a men of intense and volatile emotions. The internal void was something he was not equipped to deal with.
Rodney decided to cure his ills with work. He had worked through depressions, break-ups, the deaths of both his parents and his divorce. Work healed all wounds by taking his attention of them.
He opened his laptop and opened the file with his notes on the personal shield. It was a problem that needed his attention. He read through his notes, calling back to memory his latest ideas from the previous days where the memories were obscured. He tried to retrace his thoughts and indeed the memory became clearer. He recalled working on the personal shield. He had been sitting in the infirmary, keeping silent vigil next to John's bed. He sensed that was more, something much more important lurking in his subconscious, but he couldn't reach it, no matter how hard he tried to remember. Frustrated he shut his laptop. He was useless. He hadn't been able to save John and he wouldn't be able to save Radek. Rodney got up and headed for the balcony,
Staring out onto the dark ocean, his thoughts involuntarily returned to John. How had it felt to die? Had the force of the impact knocked him unconscious? Or had he felt the icy water swallow him? Had he struggled, fought until the last breath, or had he welcomed the end? Rodney had no idea what had been driving John after he had fled from the infirmary.
He would never know. John was gone. Rodney scanned the lead coloured sky. It looked it like a bad weather was heading their way. Rodney stood on the balcony and watched the sky. As dark clouds moved, he stood and watched, without really registering. When the wind started to pick up, he didn't notice. Nor did he notice the downpour that started two hours later.
oOo
It was only the afternoon of his third day and Radek was already sure that he was about to lose his mind. He had explored the immediate surroundings as far as he could go while he had to check in with Atlantis every few hours. He had discovered nothing of interest. The Gate was located in a dense forest. The woods appeared to be devoid of large animals, as he had noted with relief.
Atlantis had brought good news; they had achieved a successful strike against the Wraith, which had bought them weeks if not more. This had been welcome news, but had gotten no closer to solving his problem; he couldn't return to the City and the Robinson Crusoe stunt wasn't going to cut it in the long term.
Carson hadn't spelled it out, but Radek got gotten the impression that the doctor was concerned about the effects of the implant. The seizure had been frightened Radek more then he liked to admit, not least because he had no memory whatsoever about it happened. He was fairly confident that he had not suffered a repeat occurrence; the medication that Carson had put him on seemed to be doing its job. Radek hoped that the side effects would ease up as Carson had said they'd probably would. He felt tired, exhausted and nauseous, adding only to his misery.
Radek checked his watch for the fifth time in as many minutes. Meals and the scheduled check-ins with Atlantis had turned into the high points of his day. He was hoping for news from Rodney. The last update on his progress had been early the previous day, since then there had been no messages from the scientist and Radek was starting to worry that Rodney's research might not pan out after all. But he wondered why his boss was not keeping him updated, even if the news was bad, Rodney was always ready to throw the facts in people's faces, no matter how brutal it was going to be.
Carson had steadily kept Radek updated on his progress with the Ancient equipment, but he hadn't had much to tell him. Although he had been able to confirm with certainty that the machine they found was indeed an instrument for carrying out neurosurgery, there was still much he didn't know.
oOo
Elizabeth had been watching the computer display for hours. Her eyes itches and every now and then everything blurred together. She rubbed her face and turned back to the display.
It looked like their trap had been a success. Five Wraith ships in the vicinity had headed for the system and three of them had already been lost from their scanners, in all likelihood destroyed by the ever expanding black hole. Of course, the Wraith would eventually notice that their ships kept being destroyed, but every Wraith ship lost was a small victory for Atlantis.
It didn't solve their problems, but it bought them time. Time to find way to defend against the Wraith. Ancient technology had seemed like a sure bet in the beginning, but now Elizabeth had begun to realize that not even the Ancient had managed to accomplish what they were setting out to do - defeat the Wraith. They had to find their own way. Building superior weapons would be hard to accomplish. Most of the science staff of Atlantis agreed that a biological weapon was their best bet. After all, it was what had brought down the Ancients. You didn't have to fight fair, Elizabeth had learned in the Pegasus Galaxy. It wasn't anything like on Earth. You had to fight to survive.
But a viable bio weapon was far from available. They had insufficient data about the Wraith physiology. The Ancient database might be of help there, but it would be several years before all the data was decoded and translated. They couldn't wait that long. The Athosians could provide some information, but not much. The only things they had to work with were their data from the Iratus bug, but the bug had never been examined, and the Wraith parts of Teyla's DNA. Elizabeth was sure the Genii had thought about this topic. But working with them was not an option, even if Elizabeth were not sure they would double-cross her. The people of Hoff had found their own way, but going down this road wasn't acceptable either.
Elizabeth buried her face in her hand. She was utterly exhausted. Even when she had tried to rest for the brief three hours the previous night, she had been unable to get any sleep. She had thought of Radek, John and all the others they had left behind. She had failed them. During the day, rationalisations and the daily routine allowed her to maintain distance, but in the long hours of the nights, the loss of each and every one of them hurt.
The knowledge that they had all known the risk when they had signed on was a cheap consolation. None of them had been prepared for this.
Elizabeth raised her head. She scanned the control room.
"Dr. Grodin. I'll be in my office. Send Sergeant Markham to me as soon as he returns from the mainland." She ordered and left.
There would be time to catch up with some paper work until the Sergeant came back. His team would not have been her first choice to send as a first contact team to the Yularans. Sergeant Markham was a marine and while he knew the meaning of obeying an order, he had no idea how to negotiate a trade. Still, she would send Markham and his team first and see whether the Yularans were even open to trade. If they were, she could always send someone else.
Elizabeth sat down at her desk and opened the first of the many folders piled on her desk. She blinked; everything was blurred in front of her eyes. Just for a moment, she would rest her eyes.
oOo
Rodney was freezing. His bones were made of ice. Icy, wet clothes were weighing him down. Like nail pricks, freezing splatters of rain feel down on his face. The air was filled with the roar of the wind and the roiling of the ocean. Rodney was so very cold.
The Storm! Kolya!
"Elizabeth!" He barely heard his own voice over the sound of the storm. He raised his hands to protect his face from the drops. It was useless; the rain was falling ins sheet.
"...med team now...balcony." Shreds of words fluttered through the air.
Rodney blinked. He saw nothing but water and angry clouds. A face moved over his.
"...can't...you inside." Rodney could only make out parts of what the face was saying, but he was sure that it was not Kolya. He just wanted to be warm again.
Something was spread over him, protecting his chest from the rain.
"Thank..." Rodney whispered to his unknown benefactor.
Suddenly there was noise. Broken voice coming through the storm. They were yelling. More faces were there.
"Rodney! You are going to be all right." That Rodney understood.
oOo
Word must have travelled fast, Carson mused. Less than an hour after Rodney had been whisked to the infirmary, Teyla and Ford had arrived at his bedside. Carson had told them that Rodney was sedated and would not wake up for quite a while, but they stayed regardless.
He could understand why Ford might stay. The young man was still in the infirmary. He had come back from the mission with severe cuts and nasty bite wounds. He had been running a light fever for two days now and Carson was concerned about infection. Ford had a long road ahead of him. It would be months before he would be on duty again. He wasn't sure about Teyla. She hadn't shown up to her appointment to have more tests down to investigate the cause of her continued blindness. And somehow Carson had the impress that since her accident, Teyla seemed to be serene. Not that she hadn't possessed the wisdom of those who had lived a long life in few years before. But she had always had the spirit of a fighter. Now she had stopped fighting. But Carson couldn't call her resign or depressed. He admired Teyla's attitude, but couldn't understand her lack of interest in exhausting all options.
He stood and watched them sitting at Rodney's bed. Everything that had happened, it had only brought them closer together. He hoped that Teyla and Ford could help Rodney. He deeply regretted having given in to Rodney and having released him from the infirmary too early. Kate had said that he seemed to be dealing all right, but now this. When Dr. Jamison had gone to see Rodney about the personal shield and had found him on the balcony out in the freezing rain, he had already been considerable hypothermic. He had to have been out there for hours.
He should have checked up on Rodney, Carson berated himself. Rodney would be fine, physically. Emotionally, Carson had no idea. Sheppard's death had obviously affected the scientist more deeply then they had thought. Carson knew that Rodney blamed himself, but he had had no idea that Rodney would go as far as to harm himself! Carson knew about guilt. He was guilty of genocide. Hoff. He had created something that had wiped out half a planet. There was no excuse for that.
oOo
Rodney finally felt warm again. He had thought he would freeze to death or drown. Or Kolya would shoot him.
Wait. Kolya hadn't been there. That had been another time. He was slow to remember. Gradually the pieces fell into place and Rodney opened his eyes.
Infirmary. He had known that. He noticed Teyla sitting in a chair next to his bed. She sat straight, yet perfectly relaxed. Hearing the rustle of the sheets, she turned.
"Dr. McKay?"
"Hey." He said weakly
"It is good to hear that you are awake again. We were very worried about you. I will get Dr. Beckett." Teyla rose, before Rodney could say anything. His memory was a bit hazy, but from what he did recall, he know it wasn't going to be good.
A minute later Carson arrived at his bedside. He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Rodney didn't bother to smile in return. He really didn't feel like it.
"How are you feeling, Rodney?" Carson asked.
"Okay." It wasn't even a lie.
"Do you remeber what happened?"
"Not everything. Something about being out on the balcony, it was raining." Rodney kept his tone light.
Carson sat down at the chair Teyla had used before.
"This could have been a lot more serious, Rodney. You might not appreciate it right now, but you are lucky that Dr. Jamison found you when she did." Carson said gravely. "We are your friends; you could have come to us."
Rodney swallowed. "I think you are getting this wrong, Carson. I just sorta spaced out. I wasn't doing...trying to kill myself or anything."
"It's nothing to be ashamed of. We'll help you every step of the way." Carson looked at him full of sympathy. Rodney grimaced. Whatever he said, Carson wouldn't believe him. He would think it was all denial. he decided to change the subject instead.
"When can I get out of here?"
Carson hesitated. He had sprung Rodney too soon the last time; he wasn't going to make that mistake again.
"We'll see about it in a few days."
"A few days! I feel fine, Carson." Rodney said sharply.
"Maybe you really don't realize what happened, but you are a smart man Rodney. You stood in the freezing rain for hours until you collapsed and your body's vital functions were nearly comprised? That goes against every survival instinct! What do you think you were doing?"
"I think I was waiting to feel something." Rodney whispered. Now he remembered standing on the balcony, thinking of John, dead, drowned and he had felt nothing.
Carson sighed softly. "I'm going to call Kate and ask her to come by later. This is way out of my field of expertise."
"I don't think she can help." Rodney said dejectedly. He just wanted to be alone.
oOo
Elizabeth was woken by the insistent chirping of her radio. Alarmed, she jerked away, pain shooting through her back. She blinked and took in her surroundings, she was in her office. Suddenly remembering, she tapped her radio.
"This is Weir."
"Beckett. You should come here immediately." Carson sounded tired and worried, a bad combination.
"I'll be there."
Elizabeth got up, her body rigid from having slept in a sitting position. She stifled a yawn. The fatigue was still lingering, she had only won a small victory. Making a bee-line to the cafeteria to get fake coffee, Elizabeth headed for the infirmary.
There she found a desperate Carson.
"Rodney's gone." He ambushed her as soon as she was through the door.
"What do you mean gone?" Elizabeth didn't understand.
"Oh, you didn't know. I called you on the radio but you didn't answer, I thought I'd let you sleep."
"If there was an emergency, I'd expect you to wake me." Elizabeth reminded Carson.
"Dr. Jamison found Rodney on the balcony next to his room. He'd passed out. He's probably been out there for hours in the freezing rain."
"How is he?"
"We got him warmed up. He was upset this morning when I talked to him about what happened. When I went to talk to Kate, he must have snuck out. I didn't think he'd be that determined..." Carson trailed off.
"We will find him." Elizabeth promised, knowing as well as Carson that she might not be able to keep it.
Elizabeth tapped her radio.
"Grodin. I need everyone availa..." Elizabeth's legs gave out under hear and she collapsed into a heap.
Carson rushed over to her, checking for a pulse, he found one, albeit a bit slow.
"Dr. Woods, I need a hand here." he called for his colleague in the other room.
Dr. Woods promptly walked over and when she saw the scene she went to assist Carson with getting Elizabeth on a bed.
Carson nodded to Dr. Woods to go ahead while he tapped his radio.
"Dr. Grodin, we need everyone you have to search for Dr. McKay."
"Dr. Beckett? What happened? Where is Dr. Weir?"
"She just collapsed." Carson replied briefly.
oOo
Rodney had gathered all the equipment he needed and was now headed for his destination. He was taking the 'covert' route, through an unpopulated section of Atlantis that stretched behind the science department. He wouldn't run into anybody there. He knew that they would start looking for him soon. It would take a little while for them to realize that they couldn't find his signal with the central computer. But if anyone bothered to sniff around, his little add-on would easily be found.
The doors of the transporter opened and he stood at the foot of the North Tower. It was purely his instinct that told him that Atlantis would allow him to enter the tower that was normally only accessible to John.
He climbed the steps as quickly as he could, trying to quell the memories that were stirring under the surface. The eerie sense of familiarity told him he had been here before. He could almost feel that he had climbed these very steps before and when he reached the door to the platform, for a moment, he could see John on the platform. He thought the door open and stepped out. The air was cold and the breeze was strong. He overlooked all of Atlantis. The City that had lasted for ten millennia on the bottom of an ocean. For a moment, Rodney couldn't help but marvel at the perfection of science and architecture that had created this structure. How perfect was the City? Rodney thought of the personal shield. Everything Ancient came with failsafes. Everything?
Rodney put down his back pack and pulled a pyramid shaped device from it. He concentrated briefly and a ray of light shot from the pyramid.
They had found the Ancient device in one of the lab on Atlantis. Other than being a source of light, and therefore energy, had didn't seem to have a purpose. It was perfect for what Rodney had in mind. The Ancients had built things to last forever, right?
Rodney stepped up to the edge of the platform and tossed over the Ancient light, making sure it would land in the water. It quickly disappeared from his sight and he couldn't tell for sure whether or not it had hit the water. Rodney pulled out his scanner, looking for the energy signature of the Ancient light. There was no sign of it. Not what he had hoped for, but not what he had dreaded. The result left open several possibilities to consider. One, the device impacted with the ocean and was destroyed. Possible, but it had been made out of Naquadah, the same material as the Stargate. Virtually indestructible. Two, the device had sunk and the signal was too faint, Possible, but also not likely, the scanner was Ancient made. They worked planet wide. Three, the device had gone elsewhere. Where their his scanner couldn't penetrate. Atlantis? The City was the size of Manhattan; they would need years to explore it all. Anything could be down there beneath him. Rodney gazed down. They had truly come to a world of wonders. Who could have known that most of them were deadly and ugly?