A/N: Sorry for the delay. Hand tremors have been pretty strong the last few days, turning typing into a challenge. But hopefully I'm back in the game now.
oOo
Elizabeth sat in her office, making the last preparation for their contact with Earth. All the expedition members had submitted their messages, the reports had been compiled and Dr. Warren had encoded the data with their best encryption algorithm. Their transmission contained highly sensitive data, in the wrong hands, it could be devastating. Four expedition members had requested to return to Earth, for medical or personal reasons. Elizabeth saw no reason not to grant their request. She wouldn't hold anyone against their will. Elizabeth took the data chip that contained their transmission and stepped out into the control room.
"Dr. Warren. Load the data stream." She handed the data chip to the computer scientists.
"It will just take a minute." Dr. Warren replied and inserted the chip into the terminal.
"Dr. Grodin. Dial Earth." Elizabeth ordered, breaking out in a smile. She had waited ten months for this. The ten past months had been more difficult than she had ever expected. She had never thought they have to fight for their very survival.
"Connection established." Grodin announced as the vortex bloomed into existence.
Elizabeth tapped her radio, feeling the flutters of anxiety running through her. "This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir of the Atlantis Expedition calling Stargate Command. Please respond!"
"This is General O'Neil from Stargate Command. It's been a long time since we have heard from you Dr. Weir. We were thinking you had run into trouble." The general's voice came over the radio.
"We have run into a few snags over here. We have prepared a data transmission containing the complete reports on our mission and findings on the Ancient technology." Elizabeth said.
"We are prepared to receive the transmission." The SGC replied.
"All right, we are transmitting now." Dr. Warren announced.
Two minutes later, the reply came. "Transmission received Atlantis base."
"So, how has it been, Doctor Weir? We have 38 minutes until the Gate shuts down." General O'Neill said over the radio.
oOo
Carson peeled back the bandage over Rodney's left eye.
"Ow." Rodney complained as the tape caught in his eye brow.
"Keep still and let me look at that eye of yours." Carson scolded and shone a light in Rodney's eye.
"I can hardly see that!" Rodney exclaimed. „It's just shadows."
"Your eye is still infected. We didn't have much luck with your current anti-biotic, so I want to try you on a course of IV anti-biotics."
"Needles. I knew it! So, I will be staying for a while longer?" Rodney asked and sighed.
"Afraid so, Rodney. But you have good company. John woke up last night." Carson told him.
"What! You didn't wake me! How is he?"
"I've been better." John said from the next bed.
"John! Are you okay?" Rodney asked again.
"It's going to be all right." John lied. "How have you been holding up?" The image of Rodney cut up and covered in blood flashed in front of his eyes. Rodney looked pretty bad. John had seen enough burns to recognise that the raw, blistered skin on Rodney's face was due to burns. Adding the cuts and bandaged eye, Rodney looked like he had been through hell.
"Things have really gone to shit while you have been out. Teyla's gone blind, Ford's in the bed over there, Radek's got a Wraith implant in his brain and you can see how I look. But we have finally found that ZPM." Rodney babbled.
John stared at him. "Oh god." He didn't know what else to say. The thought of his own on injury had pushed back the thought for the moment. Now he realized the he wasn't the only one who'd suffer permanent repercussions.
"Who are they holding up?" He asked after a pause.
"We're doing all right, Sir. We have been worried about you." Suddenly Ford showed up at his bedside. He was in a wheelchair and the way he was handling himself suggested that he had some practise at navigating the wheels.
"It's great to see you awake, Sir." Aiden grinned. "It's not been the same without you."
"It's good to be back." John replied. Aiden's words rang true. It would never be the same again. He hadn't told Rodney and Aiden yet about the extend of his injuries, but they would know soon enough.
Carson broke up the chat a while later. Dr. Biro had come in and she was going to take John for some scans. John had sighed at the prospect, but it was pretty much routine after a mission had landed you in the infirmary.
None of them had mentioned them, but he had noticed the changed in Ford and McKay. Ford had lost what he had left of that boyish levity. He'd grown serious and there was darkness in his eyes that John had seen in the mirror before. It had been in those days after Afghanistan when John had stated to avoid the mirror.
oOo
Rodney's morning was going steadily downhill. Seeing John awake had boosted his spirits. For days he had feake up, seeing John's eyes look at him and hearing his voice had freed him from this worry. But something was still nagging at him. John was awake, but he wasn't all right. Rodney could tell.
He had seen John in the infirmary after being injured before, even after having been dead briefly after the Wraith tick incident and never had John admitted to feeling anything less than well.
Rodney had seen the weary look on John's face. It was very much not going to be all right. It would have been too good. But after all that had happened, Rodney couldn't really have expected time to just turn back. John had been locked up in a cell for three week, and the pirates had done god knows what to him during that time. It made Rodney sick just to think about. There were no limits to the cruelties that people could inflict on each other. Carson had taken John for some scans right after he'd woken up. Carson had been calm and collected, in his usual 'doctor-mode', but he'd seemed serious and John's lack of confidence had done nothing to reassure Rodney. He could tell that John had been worried. John didn't worry, or if he did. He didn't show it.
Rodney pushed away the cup of tea. Whose idea had it been to bring the Athosian tea to Atlantis? The stuff was vile, pure and simple. The coffee substitute was no nectar of the gods, but compared to the Athosian tea, it was almost as good as the real thing. Legend had it that Sheppard was the only one who has ever been brave enough to try the rotten smelling Athosian tea during his first encounter with Teyla and her people.
Rodney listlessly stirred in his bowl of porridge. It was grey, lumpy and stuck to his spoon. The food was getting worse every day. With all their supplies from Earth gone, they solely replied on trade. Rodney wasn't hungry any more. He put the tray aside and pulled up the blanket, curling up on his side.
When he heard footfalls approach him, he expected nurse redhead to come to take away to breakfast tray, but owner of the footsteps didn't leave, but dragged up a chair and settled down. Rodney figured it was probably Radek, who had plenty of time to kill anyways. If he played possum long enough, Radek would leave.
He didn't have that much luck.
"Dr. McKay. I'd like a moment of your time." Rodney recognised the voice of Atlantis' psychologist.
He opened his eyes. "I'm not feeling so well."
"Dr. Beckett told me. I want to talk to you about some thing we can do to help you get better." Kate said. "Do you want to join me down to the botany lab? They have built a nice little garden there."
Rodney snorted. It was the last thing he wanted right now. "As I said, I'm not feeling so well. I think I should stay in bed."
"We'll be back in half an hour. Even if it doesn't help, it will get you out of here for a while." Kate said in a firm tone.
Rodney had never been to the botanical lab. The botanists were growing plants native to the Pegasus Galaxy for the purposes of study and for potential future cultivation. They had opened the doors of one of the balconies and had turned both into a miniature garden. A few tables and chairs complete the arrangement.
"Many of the expedition members come here often. For those of us who never go off world, these are the only plants we ever get to see. Of course, you see your share of different planets." Kate commented as they stepped out on the balcony.
Rodney knew that she was baiting him. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction of taking it.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" He asked bluntly. He wasn't in the mood for games.
"Okay." Kate smiled. "We are a bit worried about you at the moment, to be honest. But Carson is ready to release you from the infirmary and back onto half-days of light duty on a few conditions."
Rodney hadn't expected that. Had Carson not said that his eye was still infected?
"You will still need to come into the infirmary for a few hours a day for your IV treatment. Carson said he'll clear you for computer and office work, but while your three-dimensional sight is impaired, you aren't cleared for lab work." Kate explained. "You can go back to work as long as you check in regularly with Carson for your treatments and that you see me on a daily basis."
"I don't think you know what actual science is about. I can't work sitting behind a desk. We have actual artefacts to work with. It's the chance of the life time and you are saying that I can't do my job!" Rodney yelled. "First you are putting that fool Kavanaugh in charge, and then you throw me out of the lab. What's next, I get sent back to Earth?"
"Dr. McKay! Calm down. Nobody is saying that you can't do your job. In the last month you have been through an experience that most people couldn't picture in their nightmares. You were stranded on an alien planet without your team and had to make it home on your own. You were barely recovered when you went to the exploration of the Ancient outpost and were involved in an explosion that seriously injured you. It will be slow at first, but that doesn't mean that anyone has given up on you. At the moment, light duty is all you can do while your body is still recovering." Kate reassured him.
"I know it's your job to reassure people, but I didn't think you'd underestimate me of all people." Rodney laughed. "It's not getting better. Carson is moving to yet another anti-biotic. The infection's destroying my optic nerve. What do you think is going to happen then?"
"Calm down, Dr. McKay." Kate put a hand on his arm, but Rodney shook her off, his arms crossed in front of his chest. "We should go back to the infirmary."
oOo
Kate scanned the cafeteria after she had picked up her tray. Elizabeth and Carson seldom ate lunch, but she hadn't found them in their respective offices. After her visit with Rodney had not gone over well, she felt like she needed to get more information from Carson and Elizabeth. She wanted to help the scientist, but right now, she couldn't.
Elizabeth and Carson sat at a table in the back of the cafeteria. Kate walked up to them.
"Hello. Mind if I join you?" She asked.
"Of course not." Elizabeth replied.
Kate took a seat. "I talked to Dr. McKay this morning. He is...preoccupied. His injury is putting a lot of mental stress on him and he doesn't know how to do deal with it. Dr. McKay's life centres on his work. It's his source of self-esteem. Now, he's afraid, he's going to lose that very central aspect of his life. He has already lost the position as lead scientist that he feels he deserves."
"At the time, Rodney was not fit to fill the position, you confirmed this yourself. And from what you are telling me, he still isn't stable. The Wraith will be here in a matter of weeks, I have to look out for the expedition." Elizabeth defended her decision.
"I agree with you. Rodney is suffering from stress in the aftermath of his experience on the rescue mission. His symptoms are not consistent with the profile of post-traumatic stress disorder, but there are a few similarities. I'd like to talk to him again a few time over the next two or three days. There are options for drug treatment for his mental state, but I'm not sure that is such a good idea in his case." Kate explained.
"I am pretty worried about him. He's recovering much more slowly than I expected. He's sleeping a lot, or at least dozing. He's very withdrawn and he hardly eats or drinks. I was hoping that Aiden and Teyla would be able to get through to him. But not even Radek has been able to draw him out of his shell for longer than a few minutes." Carson said.
"Right now, Rodney is so caught up in his own fears; it's very hard for anyone to get through to him. When I talked him, the only reaction I got from him was defence reactions." Kate said.
"When will you be releasing him?" Elizabeth turned to Carson.
"I was thinking about releasing him as early as tomorrow. He will still need treatment with IV anti-biotics for a few days, but there is really no need for him to stay in the infirmary all the time if the infection stays under control. Kate and I were talking about this and we thought that it might help Rodney to get his mind off things." Carson replied.
"I mention that to Rodney. He feels that he is being pushed out of the science department by being restricted from the lab." Kate said with a wince.
Elizabeth shrugged slightly. "I can't change that. With his three-dimensional vision impaired he is a risk factor at the lab."
"There are plenty of one-eyed artists, scientists and other professionals on Earth." Carson argued.
"We are working in a high risk environment. They work with technology that is way over our head. Technology that's bitten us in the ass several times in the past." Elizabeth countered.
"I think you should talk to Rodney." Kate said.
"Have you talked to John yet?" Elizabeth changed to subject, pushing her lunch tray away.
"I haven't cleared him for visitors yet. Right now, he's sleeping. I gave him a sedative a few hours ago to run some tests that can be stressful. He should be awake soon, but I want him to rest. He might be conscious now, but his condition is still critical." Carson said.
"It's important for victims to talk about their experiences as early as possible." Kate argued.
"I'll radio you later if John's up to it." Carson agreed. "But you'll have to keep it short. Ten minutes, he doesn't need any stress right now."
oOo
John figured that Carson must have slipped him something, because one minute a nurse Tiny had been injecting him with the contrast dye for the MRI, and the next minute, he'd found himself back in bed with the curtains drawn around him. He felt groggy, but he angry at the same time. The rage gave him energy. Beckett had had no right to drug him without warning. He was sick of waking up without remembering having fallen asleep.
"Carson!" He called out, even angrier that he was stuck behind the curtain, helplessly trapped in bed.
Promptly he heard footsteps and the curtains pushed back.
"Major, what can I do for you?" Carson asked, looking concerned as he mistook anger for distress.
"You could stop drugging me! I'm sick of being moved around like a piece of meat." John raged.
Carson didn't know what to say. The Major Sheppard he knew had a firm control over himself, even when faced with the most desperate situations or death itself. It wasn't like him to have an outburst like that.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you like that. I guess...I'm just frustrated." John lowered his head. He was confused. The flash of rage he had felt was gone.
Carson settled down at the edge of the bed.
"No, it's quite all right. I should have told you that I was going to sedate you. I just wanted to make things easier for you." Carson explained softly. He wanted to understand why John was reacting so strongly.
"They drugged me. Two of them held me down...one would hit me with it. First it'd burn like hell, then pain..."
"I'm so sorry. I should have realised it sooner. I saw the marks on your arms." Carson confessed. He had only wanted to help his patient. He'd figured that it'd be unnerving for an immobile patient to submit to several hours of scans. He hadn't thought about the psychological effect that sedating John might have. He didn't know how he could have overlooked something like this. On days like this, he thought he should have stayed in genetic research.
"After a while, I didn't want to wake up in that cell anymore. It all started to drift away. I started seeing things...it was so real." John said as if talking to himself. His voice was calm and steady.
"Major, I found traces of a foreign substance on your blood when you were brought back to the City. There isn't much I can tell you, but from what I can tell it is a psychotropic agent and most likely a hallucinogen. What you were experiencing was a result of the drugs." Carson assured him. He could understand why John was worried, and he was not sure that this was his department. This was more Kate's area of expertise. He could tell John about the drug's effect, but he was at a loss at what else to do to reassure John that it was going to be all right.
"It was real. I was here, on Atlantis. You were here. But it was all different. I died. It was real." John repeated.
"It wasn't real and you didn't die. You are not going to die." Carson insisted. "I'm going to make sure of that."
"It must be bad if you say that." John looked up again, returning to the present again. "How am I doing, doc?"
John looked hurt and vulnerable in a way that Carson had never seen Atlantis' chief military officer before. It made him hate what this place was doing to them. Maybe Elizabeth was right, they never should have come here.
"There is still some swelling to your brain. There was some bleeding at the site of the gunshot wound, but it was minor and has healed on its own. I couldn't detect any more broken blood vessels, but there might be broken capillaries that our scans can't detect. I have you on steroids to reduce the swelling and on beta-blockers and blood-thinners to reduce the risk of blood clots forming. What you need is a lot of rest. Your system is vulnerable at the moment. Stress could really harm you." Carson told him.
John smiled sadly. "So, there will be more sedatives in my future."
Carson winced. "If you need them, yes. But I won't sedate you again without your permission. Unless there is no other choice."
"I'm sure that they too thought that when they'd jam that needle into me every damn day" John said sarcastically.
Carson got up. "Now that's not fair, major. I'm just trying to help you. I overstepped and I apologize, but I was only trying to help."
John shook his head. "I know, and I'm trying to get my head around it. It just...I don't know." Suddenly John found tears burning in his eyes. He tried to rub them away, but couldn't raise his arm far enough to reach his face. "Fuck!" John couldn't stop the first few tears from rolling down his face.
Carson knew better than to interfere. He hated to see his friend in so much pain, but right now there was nothing he could do for John. Whether he liked it or not, he had hurt John with his inconsiderate actions.
Silently, he left the curtained-off area around John's bed. They both needed some time alone. He would tell Kate that his patient wasn't ready for visitors yet.
TBC