"That's enough for today." Dr. Kang held out her hand for the soft silver ball.
"I can do a few more minutes." John replied tensly, all his attention focussed on squeezing the small ball in his right hand.
It had been five days since he'd woken up in the infirmary and for the last three days, Dr. Kang had come by twice a day for his physical therapy sessions. John hadn't gotten to do a lot of physical work so far though. For the most part, Dr. Kang had been moving him. She'd explained that it was necessary to keep his muscles limber while he couldn't move on his own, but he was still uncomfortable with this part of his therapy regimen. He preferred to be the one doing the moving. Lying in bed wore on him; he looked forward to the therapist's visits. Working on his recovery was hope.
"Major Sheppard. You have been working very hard the last few days, but it will take time to see results. I can see that you don't feel well today." Dr. Kang reasoned when John failed to give her the ball.
"I'm kinda tired of being stuck in bed. I'd at least like to be able to feed myself. The food always goes cold before they get around to you." John bitched back.
It was easier to talk to stagers these days. For them he was just another patient. His friends, they all looked at him like they expected him to break any minute. It was pity, fear and guilt in their eyes. At the same time, they were glad that it wasn't them in his position. John didn't want to see any of this; he didn't want to see his friends. After he and Carson had come to blows, Elizabeth had come to see him, no doubt sent by Carson. John had told her that he didn't want to see her, or anyone else. To his surprise, Elizabeth had said nothing and left. Since then, he'd been left in peace. Carson hadn't made another appearance; his minions were carrying out his instructions. And they were following Carson's instructions to the letter. He'd been moved to one of the Ancient isolation rooms, away from the others. This was just as well with him, he wanted to be alone. John suspected that the contents of his IV and the two white pills that nurse Tiny brought him twice a day were the reason why he slept for the better part of the day. No one had tried to stick him with a needle; the pills had the same effect. They just took him down slower, enabling him to anticipate what was happening. It made the treatment bearable.
The door clicked shut behind Dr. Kang. John was sorry to see her go already. The therapy was the only thing that he had at the moment. In everything else, he fully depended on the help of the medical staff. John had done physical therapy before, after a very rough landing of his chopper. He knew how painful regaining strength and mobility could be. This time it was different. He felt the strain on his weakened muscles after a few minutes, but the spikes of pain were shooting through his head, not his arm when he finished. Dr. Kang had started him working on his hands. John didn't really see it, but Dr. Kang insisted that he'd made important progress in his ability to grip and move his fingers. He'd rather be able to life his arms far enough to feed himself. Anything that would allow him to perform basic daily tasks.
John knew he wouldn't be able to continue like this forever. It was like being trapped in a bubble. The days drifted by in a haze created by medication and his lingering head injury. Seven-teen or eight-teen hours of dreamless sleep, three meals, and two sessions with Dr. Kang took up almost all his waking time. Adding nurse Tiny's ministration, he didn't have time to think. Eventually, he'd have to and once Carson took him off the heavy-duty meds, he'd start to dream. It had happened to him before. When he'd messed up that landing, it was because the chopper had been shot at. There hadn't been supposed to be any hostiles, but suddenly he'd taken a hit. He hadn't crashed the craft, but the landing had knocked him out. It hadn't been a good place to go down. John had been thinking about Afghanistan more than about the pirates.
The door opened and nurse Tiny stepped in. John had never seen her wearing a uniform jacket, so he'd resorted to calling her nurse Tiny. She'd be pretty if she'd smile once in a while. She was carrying a tray
"Dr. Kang told me that you weren't feeling well after your physical therapy session. I brought you something for the pain." She put the tray on the table standing against the wall and came over with a large cup and a small one.
"Are you okay with drinking something? How is the nausea?" Tiny asked before she gave him the pills.
"I'm feeling a little queasy." John admitted. He had been feeling sick but had chalked it up to the drugs.
"Take those for the moment and I'll get you something for the nausea in a minute. Since when have you been feeling sick? You haven't been eating." Nurse tiny looked a bit pissed off, like he had done it on purpose.
"Since last night." Not that the food had tempted him to eat. He was still working his way up to solid foods. Pureed soomi root and broth were exactly gourmet dinner. At least they still had jell-o, one of the last food items left from Earth.
"Try to rest. I'll be back soon." Nurse tiny left again. John closed his eyes and let himself drift away.
oOo
Radek finished the last of his cooked beast. With a lot of imagination, it tasted like beef. They had gotten in a new delivery of meat early this morning from one of their allies. It had to last, so Deroche wasn't going to be serving steak any time soon.
"I wanted to ask you a favour, Dr. Zelenka." Dr. Jamison said. She had suggested they have dinner together. Radek had been surprised, since he couldn't recall knowing Dr. Jamison more than in passing, but he hadn't had much of a chance to socialize since he'd gotten out of the infirmary four days ago.
"You were working closely with Dr. McKay and...and I don't know how to say this without insulting anyone...you seemed to be able to work with him, as far as one can work with McKay." She babbled, breaking off.
"I'm not sure where you are going with this." Radek admitted. His memory of the last two months was vague, gone entirely in many places. Dr. Weir had told him about the changes in the department before his return to work, but he hadn't really gotten used to the new dynamic. Things didn't run the way they had run before.
"I know that Dr. Kavanaugh doesn't see eye to eye with me on this matter, but McKay should be in the department. He is brilliant and anyone who says otherwise is lying." She said strongly.
"I'm a bit confused. Dr. McKay is on medical leave." Radek wasn't sure what was going on but he had an idea. He had seen Rodney in the infirmary. The man didn't care about anything in his current state. Normally, he'd be plotting to kill Jamison and Kavanaugh for robbing his position.
"He is free to come back, on limited duty. We are under serious time pressure, as you know. Dr. Weir's new guidelines are quite clear. The deployment system for the bio weapon is our top priority. We need everyone in working condition on this project." Dr. Jamison insisted.
Radek's eyes narrowed. He wasn't a fan of the new guidelines. When the government dictated what the scientists should do, the results were usually destructive. He agreed that they needed to find a defence against the Wraith as soon as possible, but concentrating on a single project was risky. If it didn't work out, they'd have no other options. Radek hadn't been back long, but he'd already heard about other projects that some of his colleagues thought to be promising. Elizabeth was making it too simple.
"Talk to McKay. I want to see him at the lab tomorrow. He can work with you and Dr. Warren on the calculations." Dr. Jamison said in a tone that suggested that it was an order and not a request.
"I will do what I can. But you have to realize that Dr. McKay is not well. Perhaps you should wait." Radek tried to persuade her. He knew that Rodney would flip out when he suggested that he'd go back to work. But maybe that wasn't such a bad idea. At least that would get a reaction out of him.
"Dr. McKay has been declared fit for duty by Dr. Beckett and that is more than enough for me. I'm asking you to speak to McKay as a courtesy to him. If you can't convince him, I will order him to return." Dr. Jamison stated.
"We are not in the military. Have a good evening." Radek took his tray and got up. He had hardly known Dr. Jamison before she had been appointed to her current position. She was trying to follow Weir's lead. Radek didn't approve of her style, but she was right about one thing, someone had to talk to Rodney.
Radek headed handed in the tray and headed for the elevator. Seconds later, he left the elevator for Rodney's living quarters. He hadn't seen the other scientist in days and he knew that he had been released from the infirmary. Rodney was probably holing up in room.
Radek knocked against the door. "Rodney. Open up."
There was no response from inside.
"Come on, Rodney. Do you want me to sic Dr. Beckett on you?" Radek asked.
Rodney didn't respond.
"I'm going to call him now. Do you really want this?" Radek tried to cajole Rodney into letting him in. He wasn't sure anymore whether Rodney was just sulking or whether there was really something wrong with him. But he had to check in with the infirmary every day, so he had to be all right.
Radek tapped his radio. "Dr. Beckett. Can you come to Rodney's quarters?"
"What's happened?" Carson's voice came over the radio.
"He isn't opening the door. I think something might be wrong. I'm overriding the door lock right now." Radek replied while pulling the panel over the lock loose.
"He seemed okay when he came by this afternoon." Carson said. "I'll be there." The connection was closed.
Radek cursed under his breath as he worked on the door lock. Thankfully Rodney didn't seem to have come up with anything new in the time Radek had lost from his memory. Disconnecting all crystals, and then bridging then middle one still did the trick. The doors slowly slid open.
A figure was sitting on the bed, laptop balanced on the knees. Radek recognized Rodney. He didn't even look up when Radek entered.
"What do you think you are doing McKay?" Radek strode over and slammed the laptop shut. McKay slowly raised his head and looked at him, eyes glassy.
"I was playing minesweeper." He emphasized each word. "I was going for a new record. Now you ruined it."
"The explosion must have damaged your brain. Carson is on his way. I thought you were injured when you didn't answer the door. He is going to kill you." Radek yelled. He'd had enough. He had enough problem of his own to be dealing with this shit.
"Good. Then this will be your big chance to get away from it all." Rodney said and reopened his laptop.
"No quoting Star Trek! You're just hiding in your room, playing mine sweeper. You are a coward, McKay! You are not to only one who's been injured. But you are only thinking of yourself, like always. Frankly, I can't understand why people still want to help you. Get over yourself, you are feeling so sorry for yourself that you can't see anything else! If you can't talk to Heigthtmeyer, talk to someone else. And talk to John already!" Radek turned and stormed out, passing Carson on the way out.
By the time he was in the elevator, he was already regretting having blown up at Rodney like this. Being Rodney's friend was difficult at the best of times and these last few days had been hard. He'd been angry and frustrated, mostly at himself. Part of the anger that he'd unloaded on McKay hadn't been meant for him. The more he thought about it, the more he regretted his outburst. He didn't remember what had happened on the mission, he hadn't seen Rodney afterwards. He shouldn't have judged him so harshly. He'd apologize, later.
oOo
"Think about it."
Carson had heard Radek's entire tirade. He hadn't chewed Rodney out for making him come up in vain. Carson had to be crazy. Right after Radek. Rodney's life was a mess, but that didn't give Radek permission to throw all these accusations in his face. People probably said all that about him anyways, in the hallways of Atlantis, but telling him to the face was another story entirely. Radek was supposed to be his friend. But Rodney sucked as a friend, he wasn't team material. He'd failed his team on the mission. He'd been supposed to get John out of the cell and he'd messed up, delaying them. It was because of him that they'd been trapped on the planet, attacked by the hell hounds and later crashed on the Wraith planet. They were just pretending to care, he was sure of that. At least Radek was honest with him.
Rodney had never been one to make friends but he'd never cared. He'd loathed other kids when he'd been on school. They'd seemed cruel, their behaviour alien and incomprehensible. As an adult, human being had started to make more sense, but he still didn't care much for them. He loathed stupidity and the fact that large majority of people that he'd met in his life were not as intelligent as he was had created not few problems along his career. He knew that people thought him arrogant and generally he didn't care. He was arrogant for a reason after all, he didn't make mistakes. But he'd screwed up on the mission. Big time. Radek had been right, and he was going to tell him that
When Rodney stood in front of Radek's door, he wasn't so sure any more. He'd tell the man that he'd been right, but that hardly warranted a visit. Still, he'd never told Radek that he'd been wrong. Rodney knocked.
Radek opened the door.
"Rodney. Do you want to come in?" Radek seemed to be strangely subdued.
"Yeah." Rodney fidgeted. He wasn't good at admitted mistakes. It was not like he had a lot of practise.
"I only have one chair." Radek apologized "And the bed is unmade. Please, take the chair." He offered.
Rodney sat down. He wanted this to get over as soon as possible. "I just wanted to tell you that you were right. I screwed up on the mission and people got hurt...and people do think I'm arrogant."
"You came here to tell me that?" Radek laughed and Rodney suddenly knew it had been a bad idea to come.
"I never said you screwed up because you didn't. You didn't listen to anything I've said. You're hiding from everyone who wants to help you and your are walling in self-pity. You think you are responsible for everything. But even you can't control everything." Radek insisted.
"I'm not hiding. My skin's peeling off all over my face." Rodney lowered his head.
"Self-pity." Radek commented. "People respect you, no matter how you look. You have saved the City more than once. Nobody will forget that. Even Jamison wants you back at work."
"Heigthtmeyer told me." Rodney nodded
"You know, I was going to apologize to you, telling you that I didn't mean to say all these things to you, but you really are selfish. Not everything is about you. I don"' agree with Jamison or Kavanaugh most of the time, but we need to find a way to fight to Wraith. You are brilliant; sometimes you are a big idiot." Radek ranted.
Rodney said nothing. He heard Radek rummaging somewhere in his quarters. Radek had a point and Rodney was a man of logic.
"Here. Drink." Radek trust a hot metal cup into Rodney's hands. The smell of real coffee wafted at Rodney.
Radek took a sip from his own mug. "Now that we are done yelling, what is really bothering so much?"
"Losing all this. Losing Atlantis." Rodney took a sip and it tasted heavenly. "I lost the team, I lost my job and now that we can dial Earth, it's only a matter of time before Elizabeth sends me back to Earth." Rodney said grimly.
"In a few weeks the Wraith will be here. What do you think will happen then?" Radek asked.
"We'll die and if we are luck, take the City with us." Rodney replied.
"Exactly." Radek nodded. "All this will not matter at all."
"I get it, the bigger picture. Doesn't make it any easier." Rodney said.
"You want some whiskey in that coffee?"
oOo
Rodney had left Radek's quarters after one drink. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he'd recalled that anti-biotics and alcohol didn't mix. He'd planned to go back to his quarters but he ended up at next to the medical labs. The isolation rooms were next to the medical labs. It was already 2300; chances were that John was already asleep. He had to speak to John sooner or later.
John was in the third isolation room he checked. Rodney walked up to the bed. John was asleep. The head wound was still bandaged. When Rodney pulled up the chair, John started to stir. Careful not to make another noise, Rodney sat down. He wasn't sure whether he wanted John to wake up. He wasn't prepared for the reaction.
John opened his eyes, slowly focussing on Rodney. He seemed tired, drugged maybe.
"Rodney?" John's voice was sleepy.
"Yeah. I came to see how you were doing." Rodney managed.
"I don't want to see anyone." The words sounded almost slurred together. John turned his head away from Rodney.
"I didn't know that. I'm sorry I didn't come by earlier." Rodney apologized. He fumbled with his shirt.
"I told you, I didn't want to see anyone." John shot back.
"Well, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Rodney decided to take a leave out of Radek's book.
"Good. Keep quiet. I want to sleep." John replied.
His garbled speech worried Rodney.
"What are you hiding from, major?" Rodney asked.
"Come again?" John asked.
"That's what are you doing. You are hiding in this room and don't want to see anyone. Why?" Rodney poked.
"You figure it out, Answer Man." John replied tiredly.
"I will." Rodney promised.
TBC