Part Four: The Fake Fight
Clark lifted an eyebrow. "Is that android kind of a lawyer, too? He's talking about unforeseen events."
Once again, Little Lex laughed loudly and heartily. "I'm sure he's just being cautious. What could possibly happen to us here? Now, if you would please talk to each other about all kinds of interesting things."
As Clark continued to look dour, Mild-Superman sighed deeply. "What do you want us to talk about?"
With a finger to his dimpled chin, Little Lex paced for a few seconds as his face was scrunched up in thought. Then he stopped and a tiny finger went up as his face lit up.
"Here's something! What is the weirdest thing you have ever been involved in?"
"I know of a Superman who had no powers as Clark Kent while he had all his powers as Superman," Android-Superman said.
"Really?" Nerd-Clark said. "Is there a way to do that?"
"I do not have a way," Little Lex said with an apologetic shrug.
"I was split in two in a different way," Slick-Superman said. "I hypnotized myself. One of me stayed in jail, the other worked to get me out of jail. I was framed, of course, and when I split in two, my powers were reduced."
"That is weird," Clark admitted. "But I knew Ian Randall. He was able to split in two."
Nerd-Clark laughed quietly. "I fought myself once. In my mind. Quite a battle. But that's not the only weird thing to happen to me. My Lex Luthor tried to destroy California, sink it into the ocean. That way he could turn Arizona desert land he owned into valuable beachfront property."
"That's bizarre," Clark said.
"Yeah, your Lex Luthor sounds pretty weird." Mild-Superman said. "My Lex just tried to marry my Lois."
"He doesn't exactly sound like a criminal genius," Nerd-Clark said.
"My Lex isn't," Clark said.
Nerd-Clark gave him a look. "Well, if he is, I hope he reforms."
Little Lex clapped his hands. "The true quality of a hero: hoping someone reforms."
"Batman is like that," Android-Superman said.
"Who's Batman again?"
"I know of Batman," Mild-Superman said. "Haven't had the honor of teaming up with him yet. He fights crime in Gotham City. Dresses like a bat."
"Sounds like he might have some serious issues," Clark said. Mild-Superman shrugged.
Little Lex clapped his hands. "This is what I want! For you to talk and relate and be friends. Oh, it was so delightful when you first met each other! There was some disgust at first. Well, maybe not disgust but certainly some distrust and apprehension. But then you learned to like each other a little! Well, why wouldn't you? Each one of you is a Superman!"
He marched around, once again gazing up at each one. "You not only have great powers. Each one of you has great character as well."
"Well, thank you," Slick-Superman said, actually bowing his head a little.
"Yeah, thanks," Clark said.
"Appreciate that," Nerd-Clark said with a grin. "Mom thought so, too. Good old Mom."
Clark gave him a sideways glance. "Are you for real?"
Mild-Superman murmured his thanks while Dad-Superman simply smiled, indulgently it seemed. Or perhaps patiently. He did, after all, have kids.
Android-Superman smiled as well but the smile was more manic or daffy.
"When one of you appeared, I made the 'boing' sound heard on the 'Enterprise' whenever someone suddenly appears."
Lex held up a finger. "Would you excuse me, please? I need to do some maintenance on my android."
The android piped up. "Batman is the Dark Knight, the Caped Crusader of Gotham City." Android Superman looked and sounded like an audio-animatronic character, tilting his head side to side as he spoke in a mellow perfectly measured voice where his mouth movements didn't quite line up with the words.
"Yes, you definitely need some maintenance there, buddy!" Little Lex looked around and smiled. When he opened a back panel on the android, sparks flew. "Whoa!"
"You all right there?" Clark asked as he winced a little.
"I'm fine," the little one said as he waved smoke away.
Android Superman did the audio-animatronic thing again.
"The Superman comic books of the 1970's on Earth Prime featured Superman androids."
"Okay," Little Lex chuckled. "Shut down for a while there, pal."
"Shutting down, sir," the android said in the voice of C-3PO. Then his head slumped.
Little Lex simply smiled as he turned a tool inside the back control panel. The tool looked like Dr, Who's sonic screwdriver. Employing what Chloe called his "freakishly good memory," Clark thought how Little Lex looked like Dr. Loveless from "The Wild Wild West" or that little guy from the "Star Trek" episode "Plato's Stepchildren."
The little guy spoke in a genial tone. "I think some of you are familiar with 'Star Wars.' Some people wonder how Anakin Skywalker could program C-3PO in 3 million forms of communication."
"Yeah," Clark said. The others just looked confused. "I never thought about it that much."
Little Lex hummed happily as if he hadn't heard. "He probably got off-the-shelf software from an intergalactic Radio Shack. Or maybe he built C-3PO's brain from already programmed parts he found lying around. Or maybe he just used adaptable A.I."
Little Lex waved a funny-looking screwdriver with tangled wires sticking out. "That's what 'Supes' here has: adaptable A.I."
"Supes?" Clark said.
"That's what I call my android." As Lex continued to tinker, the android turned his head and offered a slightly awkward smile.
"Sounds like something Jimmy would call me," Mild-Superman said.
"Not sure I like that nickname there, friend," Slick-Superman said in a serious if not stern tone of voice.
The Superman android turned his head. "I am adaptable AI," he said in the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Then his head drooped again.
"Great," Clark said.
"That might come in handy," Nerd-Clark said.
Mild-Superman wore a mild frown. "Who's Anakin Skywalker?"
"And who, or what, is a 'C-3PO?'" Slick-Superman asked. His voice had a slightly rough quality to it.
"Just give my android time to recharge, he can answer all your questions."
"Will he address how it's wrong to keep prisoners?" Dad-Superman asked, a bit testy.
"It's really not very polite," Nerd-Clark agreed.
"Prisoners? Oh, heavens, no! You are my guests. You will go home soon. I will return you at the exact moment you left with no memory of this. Though a little of the others may remain with you, of course."
As Lex resumed work on the robot, he whistled a happy tune. The others backed away.
Mild-Superman whispered to the others as they stood in a kind of huddle.
"This guy wants us to be friends. If we want to get out of here, we need to stage a fight."
"Or we could just talk for a while, the way he wants," Nerd-Clark said.
"We've already done that," Mild-Superman said.
"Besides," Clark said, "we don't know if this guy is on the up-and-up. And he could just be nuts."
"Lex usually is," Dad-Superman muttered.
"Hey! That's my friend."
"Be careful around your friend, Clark. Lex is not to be trusted."
"What about this 'Lex Luthor?'" Slick asked. "If he is insane, won't staging a fight just make things worse?"
"I'm not sure we should be dishonest," Nerd-Clark said, pushing his glasses up. Clark gave him a look.
"It may be the quickest way to get home," Dad-Superman said. "And I really want to get home."
"Back to Kansas, huh, Dorothy?"
"And Toto, too."
"I love that movie."
"Let's just hope this Lex isn't crazy," Dad-Superman said, glancing at Little Lex still puttering away on a control panel.
"I'm for going back home as soon as possible" Clark said, raising his hand. "All in favor?" They all raised their hands but Nerd-Clark last and slowly. "Good!" Clark said. "I've got a Spanish midterm. And my parents might be worried."
"You're lucky to still have both your parents, Clark," Dad-Superman said. "Cherish your time with them."
"I do," Clark said.
"I know I do," Mild-Superman said.
"Though my father has passed away, he is always with me, inside," Dad-Superman said, gesturing to his heart.
"Yes," Nerd-Clark said quietly.
"Both of my parents are with me," Slick-Superman said, somber and gentle. He seemed eager to change the subject. "But as far as getting out of here, what's the hurry? Who knows how time passes here?"
"The little guy did say he'd return us to the exact moment we left," Nerd-Clark said.
"Assuming he's not crazy," Clark said.
"Crazy enough to bring us here?" Mild-Superman inquired.
"Good point," Dad-Superman said.
"Still, I agree with our mild-mannered friend here." Briefly, Slick grinned. "Let's get out of here as quick as we can."
"In that case…." Nerd-Clark began unbuttoning his shirt, slowly. "I'll change in to Superman….Supermen. And Clark, " he added as he nodded to the group. "Normally, I'd just rip the buttons off in a hurry," he explained. "But if I can unbutton slowly, like now, it means I don't have to get the buttons back on. That's kind of a hassle. Even though I have super-speed, sewing isn't really one of my things."
Except for Clark, they all nodded in understanding.
"I understand about doing things at super-speed," Clark said. "My mom said she didn't understand how I could be fast as lightning and slow as molasses."
"I miss Mom," Dad-Superman said wistfully.
"I can understand."
"What are you guys doing over there?" Little Lex asked. Android-Superman, slightly hunched, turned his head and offered the Supermen a daffy smile.
"Just sharing stories," Slick-Superman said loudly. "There was one time I rescued a redhead, Lucy, from her kidnapper. Got her to her son Ricky's birthday party. The husband, Ricky Senior, was a bandleader at a club. Told me how Lucy was always getting into mischief or getting into trouble from all her wacky schemes. When he finished telling me about her, I said, 'And they call me Superman!'"
"Great story," Lex said with a laugh.
Android-Superman turned his head. "Wasn't there an adventure where Superman and the Green Hornet go back in time to help the Lone Ranger?"
"I suppose somewhere there was," Lex replied cheerfully. "Now hold still there, buddy."
"Holding still, sir."
"Just like Lex to boss around a Superman," Mild-Superman mumbled. "Doesn't matter how small he is."
As Nerd-Clark stood among them in full Superman costume, Clark simply removed his backpack.
Nerd-Clark (now Nerd-Superman) looked less nerdy in his face, less "yes, pa, no, ma," less meek, more confident. Even his smile was less nerdy.
"You'll believe a man can fly," he joked. With a serious look, he held up a finger. "Statistically speaking, it's still the safest way to travel."
"I wouldn't know," Clark said in an arid tone. "This Clark Kent is earthbound." He narrowed his eyes in what he hoped was good acting. "And I'm getting kind of sick of all you guys."
"The feeling's mutual, buddy! Pal!" Nerd-Superman shouted, his eyes shifting in the direction of Lex.
"Hey! You pick on him, you pick on me!" Mild-Superman yelled.
"Why do you need to defend him?" Slick-Superman shot back.
These guys are good, Clark thought.
"You're keeping me from my family! You're as bad as Morgan Edge!"
I wonder what his Morgan Edge is like? Clark thought this as he swung his fist.
Dad-Superman did a mid-air judo flip of Mild-Superman and then Nerd-Superman while Clark and Slick-Superman engaged in a routine fist fight. Slick-Superman flew up and Clark leaped up with a fist raised only to be pushed back by Slick and then hurled away by Nerd-Superman.
As he got up off the floor, Clark spied Little Lex. He was standing there with his screwdriver looking shocked and horrified. His mouth was agape as he held a tiny hand to it.
Only for a moment.
Little Lex burst out laughing, and his tiny little body shook all over. Smiling that crooked smile, he clapped his hands.
The Supermen all stared.
"Wonderful! I was going to have all of you spar later but you came up with that on your own. Magnificent!"
While Clark and Nerd-Superman smiled sheepishly, Dad-Superman looked annoyed while Slick-Superman shook his head. Mild-Superman simply sighed.
"Guess that didn't work as well as we planned."
"You think?"
"You really are cynical, Clark."
"We've been outwitted, gentlemen," Slick-Superman said with a slight grin.
Suddenly each Superman was like a statue. They were all frozen.
A man walked in. Marched in, really. A bald man. He was dressed in green and white armor, a lot like something Buzz Lightyear would wear. The bald man brandished a weapon that was white and green, just like the armor.
When he spoke, he had a deep sinister voice like that tall mean guard in "The Shawshank Redemption."
"Hello, Supermen." His tone was grim but he had a smirk on his face.
"I'm Lex Luthor. More of a Lex Luthor than this one." He tipped the silver muzzle of his weapon toward Little Lex, who stood wide-eyed and frozen with hands out like curled paws.
As this new big Lex trod forward, he kept that self-satisfied smile on his face, even as he walked dangerously close to each frozen Superman, as close as he could get without actually brushing each one.
"He doesn't look like my Lex," Mild-Superman said, barely able to move his mouth.
"Or mine," Nerd-Superman said, his eyes darting back and forth as he stood in a frozen fighters stance.
"Or mine either," Dad-Superman said, glancing at the new Lex.
"He does mine." Clark was able to talk more clearly than the others for some reason. "Except for the armor. What's with the Buzz Lightyear gear?"
"I don't know who 'Buzz Lightyear' is," Slick-Superman said, a still statue now. "But this 'Lex Luthor' fellow does seem dangerous."
"You are correct in that, Kryptonian."
The eyes of Slick-Superman narrowed. "Friendly fellow, aren't you?"
Bald-Armor-Lex threw back his head and roared with laughter. "How delightful! You're like a bunch of witty Superman statues!" When he rested his rifle on an armored shoulder, the smug smile remained while there was wild manic ego in the eyes. Clark thought how this Lex was a lot like Gaston in "Beauty and the Beast." Just without the hair.
Lex once again spoke in that grim sinister voice. "Yes, you can talk, and you can think your primitive Kryptonian thoughts." He leaned his head forward a little, right into the face of Slick-Superman. "But you can't move. Not yet."
"Thanks for the news flash," Mild-Superman said through gritted teeth. Clark could see him straining to move.
Clark also strained as he responded sarcastically. "Yeah, thanks."
"You're welcome," Lex said, his voice dripping with venom as he fingered his weapon. "The weapon has different settings," he said to no one in particular as he walked. "One can freeze and paralyze Kryptonian physiology. Temporarily. Another freezes little fellows. Again, temporarily. But long enough for the next step."
"Which is?" Clark asked.
"You're finished, Luthor! Your time is up."
"Please, android. Don't be so melodramatic." Lex fired the weapon, and the Superman-android flew back and landed on his back.
Once again, Lex shouldered the weapon. "Now, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted?"
When Lex smiled, he showed off all his teeth, including one gold tooth lined with silver. Clark was close enough to see it. Hot breath landed on his nose.
"We'll find a way to defeat you, Luthor," Nerd insisted.
"I think not, Kryptonian bug."
"Just like you to be insulting," Nerd huffed.
"Name-calling is the sign of a weak and cowardly character," Slick said.
"Very," Mild said.
"Yeah, it is," Clark said. He looked the most annoyed he ever had since arriving in this place. Slick-Superman looked annoyed, too.
"I'll get out of this," Mild-Superman grunted through gritted teeth Dad-Superman had effort etched on his face while Nerd-Superman wore a look of grim determination.
"Allow me to explain, Kryptonian weasels."
"More name-calling."
Lex shot Slick a harsh look. "Maybe I should find a way to silence all of you." He returned to his smug smile as he bounced his weapon on his shoulder. "I, too, developed a way to see into other worlds and also travel to other realms."
"Obviously."
"Congratulations."
"You're scum, Luthor."
"Seems you enjoy hearing yourself talk."
"Like any Lex Luthor."
"You're nothing like my Lex."
Briefly, Lex laughed then he went on. "I met a Walter Bishop. He invented the device to look into other worlds. He started working for me. Once I….encouraged him."
"Stealing inventions, are you now, Luthor? Makes you a bit of a parasite."
"You're supposed to be a genius."
"Not much of one."
Quietly, Lex growled. "I have Walter Bishop locked up in my basement. A high security basement. More like a torture chamber than a lab, really." A hideous smile stretched out the lines on his face as he looked around at the super-group. He had a kind of bulbous crooked nose, Clark noted. And was that a toothpick in his mouth? Or just some weird little device?
"Would any of you care to join dear Walter?" Lex asked.
"No, thank you."
"I'm good, thanks."
"We're fine where we are, Mr. Luthor."
"Yeah, we're okay here."
"How about unfreezing me? Make this a fair fight."
"I second that."
More of the sinister smile with madness in the dark eyes. "I think not. I can say, though, that looking into other worlds I learned a great deal about you. All of you."
"Glad you got an education." Clark grunted out the words as he continued to strain.
"I don't care if you did," Mild said with a grunt of his own.
"I agree with my fellow Superman," Slick said. "If it's all the same to you, Luthor.."
Lex simply smirked.
In response, Clark made a face. "Can't imagine Chloe, Pete and Lana and me doing anything that interesting."
"You'd be surprised." There was that deep sinister voice again as the dark eyes darted. "When I saw that my pint-sized counterpart had gathered you all in one place, I couldn't resist crossing over. I thought, 'Why kill one Superman when I can kill five all at once?'"
"Oh, you want to kill us?"
"Very original."
"Haven't we been through this enough times, Luthor?"
Clark frowned. "My Lex would never do that."
"Ah, but I'm not your Lex, 'Clark.'" As he crossed the room, he casually and carelessly let the weapon bounce up and down. Clark knew from his father that this was a very unsafe gun practice.
Despite this, Lex clicked a button.
"This setting has a very interesting effect on the Kryptonian brain. It will amplify your natural resentment and rage."
"I have no resentment," Mild-Superman insisted mildly.
"I'm peaceful," Slick-Superman said.
"Same here," Clark said.
"I'm peaceful, too," Nerd-Superman said. "In some ways you could say I'm on a quest for peace."
"We're agreed then," Dad-Superman said. "There's no resentment here."
"No resentment, eh? What about all those years of hiding your powers, hiding who you are while being pushed around by your inferiors, your lessors, those beneath you?"
"Sounds like you, Luthor."
There was a brief flash of anger then Lex brought back that smile. "What about years of having to hide who you are, not being allowed to shine?"
At this, Clark looked troubled, the others along with him. Lex aimed the weapon.
"You'll fight each other, and whoever is left, I eliminate." The evil smile grew. "Let the games begin."