Disclaimer: I own nothing in regard to GWTW
Author's Notes: Thank you for all the reviews and feedback.
Chapter Five
A few days later as Scarlett got dressed, she had thought it nice to not wear a corset. 'I can actually breathe,' she had thought. Scarlett had finally decided to stop wearing a corset because she was tired of being in physical pain. She couldn't stop the emotional pain, but she could do something about the physical pain. She would wear stays, but she could lace them herself. The stays were not worn as tight therefore were not painful. She had gotten rid of every dress she owned and had over a dozen new ones made. The new ones were all in black, but they were stylish. One day when she was standing in front of the mirror, Prissy had said, "You look just like your mother."
Scarlett looked in the mirror and she did look just like her mother down to the slightly sad expression on her face. Mammy had told her the story of her mother's true love Phillipe and she now knew why her mother was always slightly sad. That and losing half of her children. Scarlett smiled sadly when she thought, 'I lost half of mine too. Maybe there is a Gerald O'Hara in my future.'
They had a little party to celebrate Wade's twelfth birthday. Scarlett would not let anyone get sad. She could see them get sad every now and then, but she would make them get happy again. They had cake and played games. She knew everyone was thinking of Bonnie's birthday that was three weeks away. She wasn't going to let their sorrow ruin Wade's birthday. It was only right that he be able to enjoy his birthday.
One night after Wade's birthday over supper, Scarlett said, "You will soon be going to boarding school in Boston like your father."
Wade had said, "I don't want to go to school in Boston. I need to stay with you."
Scarlett smiled when she saw the set of his jaw and his body posture. She had said, "Alright, my son." And he was her son. Through everything he had always been on her side. Even now he was wanting to protect her and take care of her. She felt blessed to have a son who wanted to safeguard her and look after her. She hadn't had a man who wanted to do that since Charlie had died. Wait! There for a little while Rhett had wanted to safeguard her when he rode back with her from the mill but then he had ruined it by teasing her about something that she was sensitive about. She thought, 'There were moments when he made me feel loved but then he would ruin it by teasing or mocking me. Almost like he thought that him being nice was a weakness.' She shook it off and mentally joined the rest of the family at the supper table.
Mr. Jackson had told her that both Wade and Ella were very bright. Ella was easily distracted but when she stayed on task, she had a nimble brain. That made Scarlett so happy. She knew she had drunk too much when she had been pregnant with Ella, but she had been so unhappy. She was glad she hadn't hurt Ella because of it.
Finally, the day arrived that they all had been dreading. Bonnie's birthday. Scarlett got Wade and Ella up and loaded them into the buggy. She drove them all over the county. She pointed out landmarks and special places. She had brought a picnic lunch and they laid the cloth on the ground and enjoyed their meal. After they were finished eating, she said, "We all miss her. Bonnie hated people to be sad, so I refuse to spend the day crying and being unhappy. Bonnie would have enjoyed our adventure today. Don't be sad because she is gone. Be happy because we got four and a half years with her. We are going to tell stories about her. We are probably going to laugh and cry a lot."
Wade told a story and then Ella and then Scarlett. Scarlett was crying but she was also happy for all the wonderful memories. The pranks she played on people to how happy she was to be back from Charleston. They even talked about some of the annoying things she would do but they said them with a smile on their faces. After they ran out of stories Scarlett said, "My greatest regret is that I have never let others know how much I needed them and how much I loved them. I needed and loved both of your fathers, but I never told them so. I needed and loved Bonnie and Melly, but I never told them. I am not going to make that mistake again. I love both of you more than you will ever know. I need y'all even more than that. I am going to start saying it a lot more often. Now come here and let me kiss you and you can kiss me." There was a lot of hugging and kissing then they went back to the house.
That night as she got ready for bed Scarlett realized that tonight was the first time, she had wanted a drink of brandy since Melly's death. She would not go get one because she didn't want to start drinking again. She laid in her bed and thought about her time with Bonnie. She didn't have very many memories of just her and Bonnie, but she replayed the ones she did have repeatedly. Finally, she got up and got the rag doll. Scarlett laid in the bed holding the rag doll. She thought about her happy childhood. She soon drifted off to sleep.
Scarlett had made herself start giving her children hugs and kisses. She made herself tell them she loved them. She forced herself to speak kinder to everyone even Suellen. She should have spoken kinder to Frank, and she really should have been so much nicer to Rhett. If she was honest, she never had been truly kind to Rhett. Partly because he made her so mad but mostly because she had taken him for granted.
Scarlett rarely let herself think of Rhett. When she did think of him, she would say to herself, 'He had been a horrible cruel, mean man who had only wanted your heart so he could stomp on it. Just as I had only wanted Ashley as a trophy on my shelf. I can't let myself think anything else. I will go crazy with regret if I do."
Scarlett found herself smiling more and more. She had never been a person who smiled a lot. It was always something she used to get something from someone. She was getting so much stronger being here at Tara with the red dirt. She and Suellen were being civil with each other. They had actually started working together in regard to the chores around Tara. She had never had to do any chores growing up for the slaves did all the chores. After she married Frank, she had been too busy running her mills. She wondered who had done all the chores. Probably Mammy and Aunt PittyPat. She never appreciated someone else taking care of everything around the house so she could take care of her mills. After she had married Rhett, she had run the household, but the servants had done the actual labor. As she sat and thought about it, she knew Mammy had made sure all the servants did their jobs. Mammy was another person she had not appreciated.
As Scarlett was lying there one night going to sleep. She thought of Rhett and the mansion he had allowed her to build. It was typical of their marriage. Rhett had told her she could have anything she wanted after all it was her house. After they moved in all he did was criticize everything about her house. Her businesses. Her children. Her clothes. Her body. Everything but Bonnie but of course Bonnie wasn't hers. Bonnie was his. And he had never gone to Tara. If he had loved her, he would have gone to Tara. It was the thing she loved most in the entire world, but he couldn't be bothered to visit it even once.
One day while she was in her changing room, she found the green hat Rhett had brought her. She knew now why Rhett had thought he could buy her love with gifts. He had always been able to before. The green hat, the chocolates, the lace, the material, money for the sawmill and finally that vulgar ring. She had been so mad at him that day, but he mentioned a huge ring and she basically forgave him. She never had really understood the agreement she had made. He had not been buying her body but her love. She was supposed to fall in love with him because of all the gifts.
Scarlett went to Mammy's room. Mammy was lying in the bed staring out the window. Scarlett knew Mammy's days were numbered. Scarlett also knew that Mammy was tired of living. Finally, Scarlett said, "I have made such a mess of my life."
Mammy said, "You didn't do it by yourself. You had help from Mr. Rhett."
"He said I was cruel to the people who loved me. I used their love as a whip against them."
"No, Miss Scarlett, what you did was worse. You treated people like Miss Ella treats her dolls. They were only there for your pleasure. Just like Miss Ella has her favorites so did you but none of them really mattered. All that mattered was what you wanted and what made you happy."
"Oh Mammy, tell me the truth now. Tell me so I can change my life. "
"You were spoiled by your parents. You were your Pa's favorite, and he didn't even pretend otherwise. All your beaus spoiled you. They did whatever you wanted.
You must make yourself start caring about other people and other people's feelings. You must give up some of your pride. You could start by apologizing for your misdeeds."
They were both quiet for a while. Mammy was giving Scarlett time to think about what she had said. At last, Mammy said, "Mr. Rhett has his fair share of blame for the disaster that was your marriage but child you never really appreciated everything he did for you. Child, how could you not see that he was insanely jealous of Mr. Wilkes?"
"He always said he didn't love me."
"Why do you think he married you?"
Scarlett blushed and said, "To have relations with me."
"If that were true, why did he not divorce you when you stopped having relations."
Again, Mammy was quiet to let Miss Scarlett think about that
Finally, Scarlett said, "I guess that is what you are talking about me not caring about other people's feelings or wants or desires. I never thought about what Rhett wanted in that situation. I shouldn't have kicked him out of my bed, but I just didn't want to have any more children."
"Did you say get out of my bed?"
"No, I said I didn't want any more children."
"And he said?"
"I can divorce you for denying me my marital rights."
"Did he try to talk you out of this idea?"
"No. In fact he seemed quite willing to sleep with other women."
"Miss Scarlett, Mr. Rhett was a very worldly man. I can assure you there was another solution besides separate bedrooms."
"Then he really was tired of me."
"No, Miss Scarlett, you hurt him, and he hurt you worse. He always had to be the victor in any conflict even if his victory would hurt him in the end. Mr. Rhett was a proud man. Too proud. He would never say he was sorry to anyone. Miss Scarlett, yours and Mr. Rhett's problem was that neither one of you had ever been in a relationship where you had to compromise. Both of you felt like the other should be grateful to have you. And neither one of you were. Miss Scarlett you were too much alike."
Scarlett stared at Mammy for a long time. Finally, she said, "That is why Melly and I got along so well. We were opposites. No not opposites. Complimentary people. She was strong where I was weak. I was strong where she was weak."
"Miss Scarlett, you knew Miss Melly was always in your corner. That year after the war when we were at Tara and people would start griping about you, she would tell them to be quiet. You were the only thing standing between us and destitution. She never let anyone talk bad about you."
"Thank you for telling me, Mammy."
"One last thing you need to understand. Why Mr. Rhett ran away all the time? He ran away to maintain control of the situation but running away never solves anything because nothing ever gets resolved. He has always come back to you, maybe he will this time also."
"No, Mammy, he will never be back. Whatever feelings he had for me are long gone. I don't want him to come back because you were right. We have hurt each other enough. I want him to find whatever peace and happiness he can find in this world."
"You are right, child. Y'all weren't meant to be. Now go child, I need to rest."
Scarlett went for a walk to think. It had been almost six months since Rhett had left and she was finding that she really didn't miss him. He had long since quit being fun and entertaining. She thought about the men in her life. Charlie, sweet Charlie. A man who died too soon. Frank, kind Frank. A man who did what he thought was best at the time. Ashley, honorable Ashely. A man whose code of honor was his core belief. And last but certainly not least, Rhett, mysterious Rhett. A man who was impossible to understand. She smiled her next husband was going to be sweet, kind, honorable and a little bit mysterious. She knew she would marry again for she did not want to grow old alone.
She regretted all the mistakes she had made since the war started and she had finally begun to learn from her mistakes. What wasn't a mistake was Wade, Ella, Bonnie, and Melanie.
For now, she was just going to enjoy the stability of her life at this moment. She decided she would take the children to Europe and soak up some of that charm and grace. On March 1st Scarlett, her children, India, Beau, Prissy, and Mr. Jackson were on a ship heading to Dublin, Ireland.
Scarlett had asked India to go with her to Europe because she could not travel with Mr. Jackson without a chaperon. She had told India, "If I have to pay for another woman to travel with me, it might as well be you."
India had said, "You are the last person I would want to go to Europe with but since you are the only person, I will probably ever get to go to Europe with then I would be happy to go to Europe with you."
India's response had made Scarlett smile. India might just be the best friend she had ever had. India would not let her get by with any lies or half-truths.