Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and that makes me very sad. Don't sue me because that would make me even sadder.

Summary: Everyone's favorite prophets are back! :-p

A/N: The whole idea about Faith's paternity was supposed to lead to Bartleby/Bethany, but I kind of abandoned any pairings later on. Even some Loki/Bartleby slashiness snuck itself in to a couple parts. But this is pretty general stuff.

More A/N: And for you Metatron lovers, don't worry. He'll make an appearance in later parts...

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Chapter 3: Bartleby Speaks the Truth

"What the SHIT do you think you're doing?! Tubby motherfuckin' bitch!" Jay's shrill voice burst through the air like a missile. Silent Bob glared at his hetero lifemate and pointed to the map in his hand. Jay tried to knock the map out of Silent Bob's hands, but he stepped out of the way. "We don't need no fuckin' map, lunchbox. We're MEN. Men don't need directions."

Silent Bob simply pointed to Jay's groin and snickered.

"Not funny, asshole. I am 100% man. And I know how to find Bethany's place without that fuckin' map." Jay snapped, glaring at Silent Bob. "Now shut up and follow me."

Bob gave Jay a swift kick to the seat of his pants.

"Just follow me. And it's not my fault we don't have a car. How the hell did I know it was illegal to smoke a joint and drive at the same time?" Jay shrugged his shoulders at Silent Bob, but the rotund, reticent man only rolled his eyes. "Not my problem, you know. Fuckin' cops always tryin' to keep the man down."

Silent Bob laughed.

"It's true," he whined, giving Silent Bob the evil eye. "Anyway, I wouldn't mind seeing Bethany again. She was one fine piece of ass. And I think she really was gonna fuck me before those fuckin' angels ruined everything and killed people and shit."

Silent Bob silently agreed.

"See! You know what I mean," Jay crowed, slapping a high-five with Bob.

After several hours of walking aimlessly down a highway, Jay's legs grew tired and he began to whine. Silent Bob wanted to throttle the younger man, but restrained himself, for Jay's sake.

"My legs are fuckin' tired," he complained. "Well, aren't you going to say something, you tubby bitch?"

Silent Bob let out a startled puff of smoke. His look seemed to say, 'Who, me?'

"YEAH you, motherfuckin' lardass. It's fuckin' boring talking to myself all the time. Why don't you ever have anything to fuckin' say? Ain't it gonna be cool to see Bethany again? Maybe she'll finally let us fuck her."

Silent Bob grinned, nodding in agreement with his Neanderthal friend.

"See! I knew you'd come around, dude. Snoogins." Jay knocked fists with Silent Bob, who wasn't so silent this time.

Silent Bob pointed to his watch.

"Eh, not much longer. Maybe an hour?" Jay said, shrugging his shoulders, as the two men walked down the shoulder of the highway.

Bob nodded contentedly, as he clamped his lips around his cigarette and drew in to his lungs nicotine, some tar, and smoke.

The two prophets would have to find Bethany and her kid before Leilita or her slaves did. If Leilita got her hands on Faith, the whole entire world was screwed.

* * *

"So, I can expect a visit from those two buffoons?" asked Bethany. She and Bartleby were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking some expensive Chardonnay. Well, Bethany was drinking Chardonnay. Bartleby was sipping it into his mouth and spitting it into a Dixie Cup. God still hadn't loosened Her resolve when it came to Angels and alcohol.

"Yeah, they should be here any minute now. I gave them a map and a car, but I don't know what's keeping them..." Bartleby snorted, shrugging his broad shoulders.

"Why didn't you just take them with you," she asked, finishing off her wine.

"Give a man a fish, and he eats but for one day. TEACH a man to fish and he can eat for a lifetime," said the angel, smirking at her. "And plus, I wanted to see you alone, without that moron Jay humping your leg every five seconds." He and Bethany chuckled, and Bartleby reached out, covering her hand with his. To let her know everything would be okay.

"Mom?"

Bethany looked up from their interlocked hands to her daughter, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Bethany quickly slid her hand out from under Bartleby's and jumped up to hug her daughter.

"What is it, honey? Did we wake you?" She asked, as she stroked Faith's long, dark hair.

"Mom, who's that man?" Faith asked, as she wrapped her arms around Bethany's waist. Bartleby smiled at the girl and waved.

"This is a friend of mine," Bethany said, leading Faith to the kitchen table. "His name is Bartle-his name is Bart." She gave Faith a little push. "Go on, say hello to our guest, honey."

"I don't bite," said Bartleby, extending his hand to the girl. Faith accepted his hand and shook it, surprised by his firm yet gentle grip. She looked at her mother.

"What's Bart doing here?"

"Faith Angelica Sloan, don't be rude," Bethany began to scold the girl, but Bartleby stood up, towering over the girl and her mother.

"It's okay, Bethany," he said, beatifically. Bartleby turned to the small, dark-haired girl, grinning at her winningly. "I'm here for you, Faith."

"Why me?" asked the frightened girl, tightening her grip on Bethany's hand.

Bartleby spread out his arms, tilting his head to one side. "I'm someone very special to you."

"Are you my...father?" asked Faith, sneaking a quick peek at her mother's face. Bethany didn't look very pleased, as she tightened her grip on Faith's shoulder.

"Yes," he lied, after a brief pause, holding out his arms to the little girl.

"What took you so long, Dad?!" Asked Faith, running into his arms. "Where have you been for the last ten years?"

"Wandering the earth, looking for you, Faith." Bartleby hugged the girl and set her back on the floor. "I've finally found you."

* * *

After Faith finally went back to bed, Bethany unleashed her anger on Bartleby. Her eyes flashing, Bethany turned on the angel.

"How could you lie to her like that? You know full well who her Father is!" Bethany cried, in anguish, as she slammed dishes and cups into the sink. She clutched the edge of the counter, closing her eyes. "She thinks you're her father. How could you lie to her? How?"

"In a way, I didn't," he said, simply, still sitting at the kitchen table. He had his feet propped up on the back of a chair, as he lazed idly in her kitchen.

"What do you mean," she asked, snapping her head to Bartleby.

"You know God's a woman, right?" he asked, standing up and stretching out. Bethany nodded, waiting for Bartleby to continue. "Well, I kind of got into the act. You were three months pregnant when I saw you again. I'd all ready been absolved by God, and she let me into Heaven with Loki. We'd come back to earth to visit, to see some old friends. We took the forms of hospital nurses, two older women."

"Bertha and Louise," whispered Bethany, pressing a hand to her abdomen as if in afterthought. "I should have know it was you two. I should have known. How could I have been so stupid?"

"How could you have known? It's not your fault," he said, smiling sadly at her. "Anyway, God had given us permission to look on you. I saw you, and I just couldn't keep out of your life. I knew it was stupid and wrong, but I felt I owed something to the baby, considering I had tried to kill its mother. And anyway, God said it was all right, what I did. She said it was all right."

"Do WHAT," asked Bethany, although she had a pretty good idea of what he was going to confess.

"She let me be Faith's father," he said, plainly, striding over to her and taking her hand in his. "I am Faith's father, Bethany. As odd as it may sound. She has my, well, DNA, I suppose."

Bethany pulled her hand out of Bartleby's grip, lashing out with her tongue. "How does she have your 'DNA'? You're a fucking ANGEL, Bartleby. How did you...did you pull all of this off? And WHY did you do this?"

"I wanted to be a part of this," he said, waving his hand vaguely. "I wanted to be a part of Faith's mission. Anyway, I've come to bring her back."

"Bring her back where?"

"With me, so that she can stop Leilita from conquering the world. It's her destiny. Of course, you're allowed to tag along." He offered her a roguish smile, but Bethany didn't bite.

"She's MY daughter! The only child I'll ever be able to have! You can't take her from me! What if she dies?! I'll have nothing left! I'll be alone!" Bethany cried, her eyes wide with fear.

"I'll return her to you in one piece," he promised, "but I'd really like you to come along. Rufus and Serendipity are dying to see you, and Loki misses you, too. Come on, Bethany. It'll be fun, catching up with old friends." He slung an arm around her shoulder, loosely, and gave her a little shake. Bethany let out a groan as she shook her head and covered her eyes with her hand.

Bethany shifted her gaze to her feet. "All right, Bartleby. I'll come. Just as long as you promise no harm will come to Faith."

"I promise."

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TBC

Alex