Discaimer: This doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Silent Bob. I mean Kevin Smith.

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Chapter 5: The Lost Prophets

When Bethany awoke, Bartleby was standing by the window, staring out at the street below. He noticed she had awoken and turned, flashing a brief smile at her.

"We've much to do today, Bethany," he said, softly.

"What?" She asked, slipping out of her bed to join his side. She looked down at the street below, and wonder what he had found so fascinating.

"We've got to find the prophets before Leilita and her minion does," Bartleby stated, firmly, slipping an arm around her shoulder.

"I don't know about this," Bethany murmured, leaning against him. "She's so young, Bartleby. I don't think I can do this without Metatron, or Serendipity, or those fucking prophets. SPEAKING of those prophets, where the hell ARE they?" Bethany asked him. "I thought you said you gave them a car and a map."

"Knowing Jay and Bob, I'd say they were carjacked." Bartleby smirked, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't really know where they are, but I DO know this-they'll be here. You know that quiet guy still carries a torch for you."

Bethany's cheeks reddened and she covered her mouth with a hand. "Oh, please," she said, modestly, glancing demurely up at Bartleby. "Bob would fuck anything with a pulse." He smiled at her.

"You underestimate the reticent one," Bartleby said. "He quite fancies you. As does his slackjawed companion."

Bethany laughed at him, hitting him on the arm. "Jay? Jay will fuck anything with a pulse, or that once possessed a pulse." She rolled her eyes at Bartleby as she headed for her dresser.

"Well, you're right about THAT one," Bartleby grinned, conceding the point. Bethany grabbed a shirt, a pair of pants and some underclothes, glancing at Bartleby.

"Uhm, would you mind checking on Faith?" she asked, glancing at the clothes in her hands. Bartleby understood.

"Oh, no problemo," he said, softly, smiling at her in understanding. Even though he didn't possess genitalia, human females were uncomfortable undressing in his presence. Shrugging his shoulders, Bartleby headed down the hall to Faith's bedroom and knocked softly on her door before entering.

"Bart?" asked the girl, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. He nodded, stepping into the room and folding his hands in his lap.

"Yes, Faith. Get dressed. You, your mother and I are going to meet some friends for a mission," he said, patting the girl's unruly black waves.

"Mission?"

"Yes, Faith. A mission. You have a world of work ahead of you." Bartleby heard a rustling behind him and took a quick peek at the door. Bethany stood in the doorframe, watching the two of them with a sliver of a smile on her face.

"Are we ready?" She asked, entering the room. "Come on, honey. Get dressed. We've got to meet some friends of mine." Bethany quickly pulled a sweatshirt over Faith's head and tossed her a pair of jeans and a pair of sneakers. "Come on, Faith. We don't have any time to waste." Bethany hid her teary eyes from her daughter, but the look did not escape Bartleby.

As Faith quickly pulled on her jeans and slipped her feet into her sneakers, Bartleby drew Bethany to his chest in a reassuring gesture.

"Don't cry, Bethany," he whispered in her hair. "It'll be all right. I'll never let Leilita harm you or Faith. I'll die first, again, before I let you or your progeny cease to be."

Bethany nodded, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. "I'm so scared, though. She's just a little girl. I don't want my baby to die young." Bethany rested her cheek on Bartleby's shoulder as he comfortingly stroked her dark hair.

"Don't worry, Bethany. I'll watch over you. It's my job."

* * *

"Fuckin' old hag bitch," snarled Jay, enraged. "Can't fuckin' believe the stupid bitch beat me with her fuckin' cane! Look! She bruised my beautiful face! Now none of the hot honies will wanna bone me!"

Silent Bob shot Jay a look that said, 'Just SHUT the fuck up, you tool!'

"Make me," Jay snarled, shrugging Bob's hand off of his shoulder. The two wayward prophets stood before the large house, and Jay swallowed nervously. "Do you think THIS one is it? It's pretty much the way Bartleby described it."

Silent Bob shrugged his shoulders in agreement.

"Fuck yeah," Jay muttered, banging his fist on the door. "Bethany! Open the fuck up! It's me, Jay, your knight in shining armor!"

The door flew open just as Jay raised his fist to bang on the door. "You're a whole day late! What the fuck took you so long?!" Bartleby grabbed Jay and Bob by the collars of their jackets and dragged them into the house, slamming the door shut behind them.

"Whoa, B, what's with all this incognito type shit," asked Jay. "It's not like we was followed by fuckin' demons or somethin'." Jay shrugged off Bartleby and brushed off his jacket. "Where's Bethany? I've come to make with the love." Jay grinned lewdly, humping air, but Bartleby whacked him on the back of his head.

"That's the mother of the Last Scion you're thinking lewdly about, you tool," the angel barked, rolling his eyes at Jay. "She's the mother of YOUR planet's last hope."

"Well, we finally fuckin' made it, no thanks to YOUR stupid ass Yugo or your fucked up map," Jay barked, folding his arms across his chest. "Fuck, we got fuckin' carjacked."

Silent Bob's eyes widened in surprise at the out-and-out lie.

"No you didn't," said Bartleby, calmly. "You overheated the Yugo's radiator. And then you threw away the map because real men don't need maps." Bartleby smiled placidly at the two prophets, raising the corner of his lips into a slight smirk.

"That's not what fuckin' happened, Big Bird," cried Jay, jumping up and down. "We was fuckin' jacked! By two big fuckin' guys with tattoos and shit! And guns! Yeah, Uzis! Two big motherfuckers with Uzis! Biggie over there was hiding in the bushes! There's nothin' more sad than a fuckin' fat man pissin' his fuckin' pants!" Jay gestured to Bob with his thumb.

Silent Bob gave Jay the finger.

"Okay, enough with the fibs, prophet," said Bartleby. "We need you to help us on our mission. A group of demons from the pits of Hell are attempting to end the world, and only Bethany's daughter Faith can save the humans. We need YOU two to lead us to Leilita and her minion of evil."

"Well, if Faith's as stacked as her mom, I'll be happy to help," said Jay, drooling and licking his lips as he rubbed his hands in anticipation.

"You sick fuck! She's ten fuckin' years old," shouted Bartleby, his eyes widening in disgust. Jay turned pale.

"I'm not into no kiddie porn!" Jay cried, backing away from Bartleby. "I, uh, I..."

"Just shut the fuck up," said the angel, glaring at the long haired prophet. "God must have been high when She let you be prophets. Tools." Bethany and Faith came down the stairs, and Bethany smiled when she saw Silent Bob. Rushing over to him, she embraced him.

"Oh, it's so good to see you, Bob! After all these years! How have you been?" She asked, kissing his bearded cheek.

Silent Bob grinned and shrugged his shoulders as his cheeks flamed.

"And you, Jay? Did you finally get laid?" She asked, quietly, taking the younger man's hand in hers.

"Fuck no! I've been waiting ten fuckin' years to get some bush! And do you know what?! No fuckin' babes in Heaven to get bizzay with!" Jay exclaimed, before spotting Faith hiding behind her mother. His cheeks flushing, he quickly said, "I meant, I am still pure and chaste, Ms. Sloan. Why, hello little girl." He knelt before Faith and patted her on the head.

"Mom, who IS this greaseball?" Faith asked, ducking Jay's hand.

Jay frowned and looked at Bethany. "Didn't you teach your brat kid to respect her fuckin' elders?"

"Don't talk to my daughter like that," Bethany scolded him, drawing Faith in her arms. "I'm not about to let you corrupt her."

"Hell, I'm not out to fuckin' corrupt no little girls," cried Jay, backing away from Faith. "Nice girl you gots, Bethany." He pressed himself against Silent Bob, cowering from the small, dark haired ten year old.

Bartleby snorted. "She's a ten year old KID, Jay. It's not like she's carrying the Plague or something," he snapped, derisively. Turning his glare on to the perverse duo, he spluttered, "I can't believe you two totalled the Yugo..."

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TBC

Alex