-1Chapter Ten:

Nothing changed in the Caine household. Things slowly seeped back to the way they had been before hand. Millie kept out her parents way. Consoling herself in her bedroom by blasting out the heavy rock music, without which the house seemed empty. Weeks past as Millie slowly sunk herself into her room, only emerging for a few fleeting glances then back again. However this behaviour had become of no concern. Horatio and Calleigh both thanked God there child had seemed to recover, seemed being the word to use. Truth was Millie wasn't really okay and deep down both her parents knew that. However you can only hide for so long.

A slamming door caused the house to shake violently. It had been a tough day, a case was getting to both Horatio and Calleigh. Millie on the other hand had just been though one of the worst days at school in her life. After failing the Chemistry exam she had studied so hard for weeks she felt disheartened and upset. Horatio sighed, the stress had been building up in him all day the last straw came when the thundering heavy rock music shook the very foundations of the house.

Millie slammed the door to her room and turned her music up full blast the thrashing guitar and screaming lyrics easing her slightly. She sat on the floor, sliding her hand under her bed she pulled a small box out. Her box of tricks. Her box of escape. She began her ritual. Roiling her sleeves up, she unwrapped a blade and tilted it to the light, the edge of the blade, shimmering in the bright Miami light. Taking a few moments to chose where this event should happen, she placed it to her skin and dragged it along, the searing pain in her arm made her smile. She was in control again and she loved it. She watched the blood trickle down her arm for a few seconds before placing the blade at the beginning and starting again, this time applying more pressure. She couldn't hear the footsteps as she cut deeper in to her arm. She couldn't feel the pain, all she felt was the calm effect it had on her. The immense pressure that had been building up all day seemed to just disappear., as if it was evaporated by the sun. She watched the blood fall down her arm, the red liquid snaking down her arm, spiralling fascinated her. She held the blade in her had still, continuing to watch the blood, her blood.

"Millie?"

The music cut out.

She froze in shock. Her hand trembling as she met her fathers eyes, fear filling them. Millie made no attempt to hid the blade. He'd already seen it, she grasped the blade in her hand, feeling dig into her palm. "Millie?" He asked her. He knelt in front of her. Looking deeply in to her eyes.

He'd discovered her dirty little secret. Her deepest secret. The one thing that kept her from totally losing her mind, she was about to lose her only escape.

"Millie give me the blade honey." Millie shook her head and physically withdrawing back form him, reading his body language clearly. Horatio said nothing as Millie moved further away from him, still holding the blade in her hand as it sliced her palm, she shook her head as a droplet of blood slipped of her arm and on to the floor.

"No." Millie cried defiantly, clutching the metal in her hand tighter as it slit the palm of her hand open causing blood to seep though her fingers. She could read him however Horatio couldn't. He looked at his daughter with sad eyes, he couldn't understand.

"Millie we need to talk."

"Why should we, you never care, today is no different." Millie told him as his heart broke she knew he was dyeing inside that's what she was aiming for. Maybe now he would understand. "All you care about its your work. You wont be happy till you get yourself shot again. You weren't the only one hurt when Speed got shot. You always say we should talk about our feeling. Yet you don't. You're a fucking hypocrite." Millie spat the last sentence out with such venom Horatio could never have though it would come from a fifteen year old child. "That's all you are a fucking hypocrite. Be a man and stop hiding. Why do you keep putting off going to the work shrink?"

"I…I don't know Millie." Horatio stuttered shocked.

"Because you hide. You feel responsible. You blame your self."

"Yes." it was an almost embarrassed whisper.

"Well newsflash Dad shit happens, we can't explain it and we can't predict it but blaming your self won't bring Speed back. I'm sorry he died dad but it was a long time ago. Stop living in the past and look at what you have right in front of you. You'll lose mom. You'll lose me. I can't bear to see you do this to yourself."

"Millie."

"Do not Millie me! Get your self…" Millie was cut off by the beeping of Horatio's pager.

"Give me the blade and we'll talk later." Millie threw the blade at him, agitated that they had been interrupted just as they were getting some where.

"Where have I heard that before eh?" she commented as he walked out the room. After hearing the car door slam outside she threw herself in a shower, severely pissed off with her fathers work. The water tumbled down her back as she felt the cut in her arm sting. Millie kept the conversation to herself as her mother arrived home from work. Millie watched the clock drag past and it began getting late.

"Where's Dad?" Millie asked her mother flatly.

"Working late I assume." Millie almost snorted. 'bullshit' she though. She knew where he would be.

"Is it okay if I go round to Heathers? We have a physics project to do." After growing up in a house with two CSIs Millie knew fine well how to tell a good lie.

"Okay sweetie but be home by dark I don't want you walking alone in the dark."

"Sure bye!" Millie snatched her black hooded top off the back of the couch and slamming the front door behind her. She slipped it on and pulled he hood over her hair as large rain droplets began to fall from the sky, splashing on the sidewalk and soaking everything. The water slowly seeped though her jumped as she felt her favourite Green Day t-shirt grow wet. The rain covered everything sparing no mercy for the unprepared. The bright Miami light was replaced with a dark black sky as a rumble of thunder shook the air violently. Millie walked the long walk to where she knew her father would be hiding.

She looked up at the grand Cathedral, as the falling rain blurred her vision. The sky reflected her mood. Black and nervous. A strike of lighting blinded her temporally, blinking it away she felt the air shake again. Unsure of that she was going to say she pushed the door open slowly and peered round. The entrance was cold. Pulling the wet top closer to her she looked around her. She couldn't quite understand why he came here. After all Millie didn't believe in God, for everything that was going on in the world she couldn't believe in a caring God that looks after his people. She walked silently along the hallway and paused at the door to the sanctuary as she heard a voice speak. Another flash hit the sky, illuminating everything. She looked at her watch. It was only seven but it was already, rapidly growing dark outside. The expected rumble shook everything outside.

Cause and Effect. The greatest piece of advice he'd ever given her. Everything you do has an effect. Like ripples in a pool. Its up to you what you do, but it doesn't only effect you. 'If only he will take his own advice' she though, sitting down on the stone step she looked up at the window. Jesus on the cross. She looked at it and thought deeply, the colours dull today, but usually they lit the hall up in a dazzle of blues and yellows. Not today. 'maybe today, maybe today he'll listen…' she though. Yet that nagging voice told her not to get her hopes up, telling her he wont listen it wont change, and for the first time in her life she asked God for one thing. One simple thing. That he would listen to her. The atmosphere in the church chilled her, that mixture between hope and sadness that mingled in the air. A revolutionary thought hit Millie. People come here for hope.

"I don't understand where I went wrong. I don't know what to do…she frightened me so much. She was holding a blade to her own wrist. I don't understand why."

Millie placed her head on her knees listing. Guilt ebbed at her but she realised she did not regret her actions.

"I can't think why she would do this. I have always loved her and I know she knows that."

Millie paused she did know he loved her. She also knew he was trying to protect her, but from what she didn't know.

"Does she hate me?"

For a moment she had to think. She didn't hate him. She was angry, bitter even. Bitter that he wouldn't talk to her. Like he didn't trust her.

"I've watched people come and go in this world. The people I love. I can't lose her too. I can't bear to watch her in pain, the pain I know I've caused,"

'So fix it' Millie suddenly though. 'are you a coward?'

"By keeping closed to her I thought I would have stopped her hurting…but that's not true now."

'He listened to me? He actually listened to me.' the tears came back to Millie as she stood up and wondered what to do. 'Do I leave…or do I talk to him?'

"In the end I have caused her more pain."

She had to talk to him. She had to make it alright for him. She had to let him know she didn't hate him. She could never hate him. So she slid in to the Sanctuary and sat beside him.

There sat two Caine's, bent double in a church. The tense atmosphere hung like the black clouds outside.

"I didn't believe in God until today," Millie suddenly felt very at home here. With the raging storm outside showing no sign of letting up, security beckoned here with her father, and a new faith. The silence grew. "I pleaded that you would listen. Listen to what I have been trying to tell you for months. That you would just tell me what's wrong." Millie kept her eyes cast downward. "I thought you would never listen to me. So pushing you…seemed like the only way to do it. I thought it might have changed after the kidnapping…but you didn't I though maybe you might realise…that I just want you to talk to me…and tell me what's on your mind." Millie finally looked up, not to her father but at the cross. "I'm sorry I frightened you. You don't understand what its like."

"Tell me."

"When I cut…its like…a whole weight is lifted off me. I feel numb, like I am unable to show emotion. Then when I cut…it takes it away, and I feel pain again, I'm in control again. Then I realise I am human" To hear such wise words, deep words from a child hit him hard. He turned to his daughter, who's eyes were cast towards the cross. A small ray of light though the window caught her eyes, illuminating the tears that she tried to hold back. "Sometimes I wonder...do you not trust me…do you think less of me…or do you think I'm a disappointment to you." Millie felt her fathers hand on hers and for the first time they looked at each other.

"Let's go someplace else." Millie nodded and followed her father outside, where the warm sun was out again. She looked back at the Cathedral and smiled. People came here for hope, for Millie that was certainly true, she left with a lifted heart and the hope that things would get better.

She didn't know where they we going and nether did he. However they found themselves standing watching the sun set. Millie's still wet jet black hair blew across her face, she could feel the temperature dropping as the sun slowly kicked it's self off the horizon step by step, the sky moved from a bright blue to a kaleidoscope of red, orange and yellow colours, the few clouds that were in the sky were a watercolour wash of lilac as the dieing sun said its good nights to the world. The world had seemed to stop for the two Caines.

Millie could feel the warm air brushing past her face. She brushed her hair behind her ear and turned to Horatio, feeling it was time to break the silence. She watched him for a few minutes, sure as hell he was crying but couldn't shed the tears. That sad look in his eyes as she watched a wave break on the beach. The wave crashed in, then retreated. Millie really had no idea what to say to him, she thought hard.

"I never wanted any of this to happen…but it did…so we just have to deal with it."

"Any of what?"

"Speed…the kidnapping…this whole thing. I don't cut because I want to…its, almost like a impulse." Millie paused and looked at her feet. "I never wanted to hurt you…I didn't mean to frighten you. I just wanted you to notice…no…realise that….I need you. Please don't hide from me. I'm your daughter you should be able to talk to me."

"I…I don't know what to say to you except I am sorry."

"Sorry is just a word. A word people use when they are lost." Millie followed her fathers eye line. Out the horizon where the sun had now gone completely. Leaving only the first star of the night, and the last of the morning. "it's a word that means nothing…"

"I am sorry I hurt you. I truly am. Millie I never meant for any of this to happen either, and I know I may not of dealt with it the right way."

"That is one thing your right about."

"I…Millie.."

"Don't bother….I was right. We never talk, today will be no different." and with that Millie tuned away from him. "Some times its just so much easier to push away the ones we love isn't it? Its easier to pretend and hide."

"Yes."

"You can only hide for so long…" Millie felt her own voice trail off as she looked at her hand, the cut from earlier the day had opened again, coating her palm with the red warm liquid. She watched a drop of her own blood run down her finger, she small droplet paused, hanging on the edge of her finger before falling off and landing on the sidewalk, leaving behind a red stain.

"Millie."

"Yes."

"Let me see your hand." she did so. Holding her hand out in front of him as another drop dripped of her fingers, landing on the sidewalk.

"Millie, your right. I do blame myself for what happened to Speed." Millie smiled. He'd finally opened. "I know it wasn't my fault, but when you see something like that Millie you do blame yourself." Millie nodded as he continued. "I though, I was protecting you. You are still too young in my eyes to know what the real world is like." Her reached out brushing a wisp of hair out of Millie's face and lifting her chin up so there eyes had to meet. "Your still my little girl, you always will be Millie. Its my job to protect you. Sometimes I may go a bit over the top. It's only because I want what's best for you. That's why I didn't speak to you about it because I thought that I was protecting you."

"What from?"

"From the world Millie. This is no world for someone like you to grow up in. You'll learn that not everyone is like us. Not everyone is honest and kind. There are people in this world that will deliberate try to hurt you. That's what I was protecting you from." There was only a simple nod from the youngest Caine. She finally understood.

"I never wanted to hurt you. I would never hurt you Millie. I would never want you to grow up with out a father as I did." Millie bit her lip trying to hid tears. She didn't want to cry anymore. "I lost my parents when I was your age. I would never want you to grow up with out a father. When I lost my mom Millie I had to bring up my brother. I don't want you to lose these teenage years. Enjoy them. I know I push you hard at school. I just don't want you to end up like the people I see at work."

"Dad I will never end up like that."

"Even the best people do stupid things sometimes. There was this one case. A bunch of boys a bit older than you were smoking pot, one of them died. He had a heart attack, so to cover it up they threw him in a pool."

"Now that is plain stupidity."

"Yes but that is not the point Millie. The point is I don't want anything like that to happen to you."

"I know."

"I want you to have better than I did." All Millie could do was nod. The wind beginning to rise again as the streetlights came on. The wind blew Millie's hair across her face again, she pushed it back behind her ear as it began to annoy her. "I know you'll grow up to be a great person."

"Thanks…"

"We'll get though this together, as a family."

"Yeah." For the first time in as long as she could remember she hugged her dad, not just a hug but that warm embrace where she felt safe and suddenly everything seemed right again. Everything was better again.

"I promise you things will be different."

"Dad don't make me a promise you can't keep." Millie said quietly looking up at her father though sad eyes.

"I promise." Millie sighed and let go of all the stress from the last few days. The sky was clouding over again. The air had grown cold and a soaking wet Millie felt the air chill her.

"We go grab something to eat, I'm hungry."

"Yeah. Where do you want to go?"

"Someplace warm. I'm freezing."