AN: Thank you for all of your reviews. We get a little deeper into the mind of Eric, and begin to understand how the serums forced on him twisted his thought process. Enjoy, and see you on Tuesday.
The next time I wake up, I'm in the infirmary and in restraints. I look around and everything is once again blurry.
"Finally decided to wake up, huh?" The voice sounds familiar, but I can't make out the face.
"Why am I here?" I slur out.
"Seems you got pretty combative with the night crew, and at one point you threatened self harm." He reads from the chart hanging off of my bed.
"I don't remember any of it." I slur.
"I'd imagine you wouldn't." He sighs.
"What are we doing?" I ask as he chains me up.
"I've got orders to take you down to the shower and then to your psychologist appointment. Let me get the nurse to sign you out and you'll be on your way."
"No…" I trail off and watch as he just walks away.
I'm still in a daze when he drops me at the shower shack, and I robotically take my sack of clothes and toiletries to the locker area before stepping into the communal shower. Today it's empty, making me realize it's probably the middle of the day.
I scrub at my skin and then shampoo my hair, lost in the monotony of it all.
I have a kid.
I shake the thought from my head and put my head under the spray, rinsing the soap from my hair and body. I rest my forehead against the cool tile and close my eyes.
I have a son, a nine year old son that was kept from me.
"She kept him from me." I murmur.
She had someone else raising him, that's why she never came to me.
She kept him from me.
The shower sputters, then ice cold water runs down my body. For a moment, my head feels less heavy. I finally shut the freezing water off and grab my towel from the hook. I look at myself in the mirror and don't even recognize the person staring back at me.
"Coulter, you've got five minutes to finish up, hustle." The guard shouts and I start getting dressed.
She kept him from me.
Once I'm dressed and chained up, the same guard starts taking me down to the conference room.
"What's your name?" I ask.
"Michael Dalton, I'm covering for Ames today, his wife is having a baby." He says.
"He gets to go see his kid be born." I state and Dalton nods his head.
"Yeah, that's how it usually works. Mom bakes 'em for nine months, goes through a hell of a lot of pain during labor, and then dad's the first one to hold 'em. It made my wife crazy, I tell ya. We had four kids…" He keeps talking but I don't listen.
I never got to hold my son. I've never touched him.
She kept him from me.
"I don't want to go in there." I say, stopping in my tracks.
"Look man, you have to, this is court ordered stuff. Come on," He replies.
"I don't want to do this, I have a choice…" I yell as he drags me down the hall. Another guard joins, and I'm still protesting when they push me into the room.
She's there, looking like she hasn't slept in days, and she immediately stands.
"I want to go back to my cell." I demand.
"Eric, can we please talk? I don't believe you meant what you said yesterday, please." She begs.
"I want to go back to my cell." I say again, and I feel a tug on my chains.
"Eric, please. I am begging you to talk to me. He wants to meet you, he's been begging me to talk to you about him, I never meant for it to come out this way, please." She says.
"You never meant for it to come out at all, Tris!" I yell. I can hear the heavy slur, and I don't even recognize my own voice.
"Coulter, I've warned you about this before. We're not staying for your family therapy. Either sit your ass down in that chair, or we're out." Jansen warns.
I put my arms out so they can remove my cuffs. I stare coldly at Tris the entire time, and when I'm pushed down into a chair I don't move my eyes from hers.
"I was planning on telling you…"
"Shut. The. Fuck. Up." I growl, "You're going to listen to me today. You're going to make this make sense. You held on to this for almost ten years. You robbed me of him…"
"I came here every day Eric..."
"I said shut up," I hiss, "I have questions, and you're going to sit here and answer them today Tris. None of this therapy where you get into my head, you are going to do the fucking talking today, I want inside of your head. Agreed, or should I just leave now?"
"Agreed." She replies.
"If Four hadn't of left you, would you have let him raise my kid? Or how about if you actually had fucked him, would you have passed him off as his?" I ask.
She's shocked and does nothing to hide it, "Eric... no... I don't..." I stammer.
"You would have, wouldn't you? You'd have told that mother fucker that my son was his, wouldn't you?" I ask.
"Eric no, I could have lied to him once he found out I was pregnant had I been that type of person..."
I laugh, "If you were that type of person? That's rich, Tris, you didn't pass off my kid as someone else's but you let another man raise him after that man sent me to fucking prison..."
"You sent yourself here!" She argues.
"I said shut up, Tris..."
"I came here every day, Eric, YOU REFUSED ME!" She yells, and I watch as she waves a guard away from the window.
"I will take responsibility for not seeing you when I first got locked up. I was angry at you, I was angry at the fucking world. I got into trouble constantly here, and they shipped me away. However, at any fucking point you could have called here and let them know your situation. They would have tracked me down. The lawyers sure as fuck could track me down everywhere I went, you could have told them. I know they work on the same team as you. There have been numerous opportunities over ten fucking years for you to tell me you were pregnant, or that I had a kid. Your own fucking team came out for my five year parole, and you didn't make a single effort to have them let me know I had a kid at home waiting for me. Why didn't you?" I seethe.
"Would it have made a difference? You refused any avenues of help! You were moved from prison to prison over fighting, and other behavior infractions! Do you think I wanted that in his life?" She asks.
"No, I don't think you wanted it at all, because at that time in MY son's life you had the mother fucker who put me here raising him as his own!" I yell.
She once again has to wave the guard away.
"Jack didn't put you here, YOU DID!" She hisses, "Jack had no idea I was pregnant when he sentenced you. He and I weren't together. I actually went to him once you were locked up and had refused to see me, I asked him for his help. He was the one I got legal advice from when it came to Miles and when it came to you. I didn't start dating Jack until Miles was three, Eric! Throughout my entire relationship with him, he helped me track down appellate lawyers to take your case, you know all of those lawyers you kept sending away, yeah he helped me find them! Jack didn't want you here either! He and I bonded over our shared concern about you! Yes, he helped to raise Miles, and for that I am eternally thankful, but he never once tried to take your place."
"I'm so glad I could bring you and yet another person together Tris. That seems to be a talent of mine, driving you into another mans bed, right? Oh and thanks for letting me know how fucking great Jack Kang was at raising my kid, Tris." I shoot back angrily.
"Your jealousy over my past relationships is uncalled for..."
"Shut up, Tris..."
"That's what this has all been, you're pissed that I married Four, you're pissed I dated Jack, but you never once told me that you felt anything for me. You said it was good dick, right Eric? I begged you to pop my cherry and you obliged..."
"You have no fucking idea what that day in Erudite was for me. You need to stop talking about it right fucking now, Tris!" I yell.
"No, because I'm sick of it. I'm sick of you blaming everything on me!"
"You kept an entire pregnancy and nine years of my child's life from me, yet this is my fucking fault? If I had of known about Miles, things would have been different," I argue, but she cuts me off.
"How so? Would you have stopped fighting other inmates? Would you have given a fuck if you lived or died?"
"YES!" I scream, and I stand up and move towards her before the guards burst in, "I would have tried harder to get out of here if I knew there was something for me to go home to!"
"Coulter, let's go." Dalton says.
"Let him stay, please, it may continue to get loud but I take responsibility for him. He is angry at me right now, and he needs the freedom to express that. Please." She begs.
"Coulter, are you going to behave?" He asks.
"Yup." I reply angrily. Dalton pushes me back into a chair, sighs, but leaves the room.
"I find it really ironic that you quit trying to contact me once you had someone else to help you with my kid. Make it make sense, Tris. I've spent almost ten years being shipped place to place, where at any time your own legal team could have found me. But, you had Jack raising him, right? So fuck me..."
"That's not even remotely true..."
"You could have gotten word to me. Knowing I had someone to come home to, I could have changed!" I'm trying my best not to yell.
"How long would that change have been, Eric? You weren't ready to change back then, but you want to put the entire responsibility of whether you wanted to live or die onto the shoulders of a child?"
"When I had my five year parole, had I known about Miles then don't you think I would have done everything I could to get the fuck out of here? You robbed me!" I yell, "The people who came out here at my five year were part of Johanna's team. At this point, even if you were still in school, you were on her team. Why didn't you get word to me then?"
"Eric, I will take responsibility for not trying harder to tell you about Miles. I thought I was doing what was best for both of you when I kept it from you. I knew you were combative, I knew you were uncooperative, and I will admit that I was afraid to have you in his life once I learned how closed off and angry you had become. I believed that you needed to change your path on your own, and not have it forced upon you with the knowledge of having a child. I needed you to want to change, because the way you were before would have hurt Miles and hurt you. It could have ruined any chance of a relationship with your son, is that what you wanted? You refused to open up to anyone, you were a ticking time bomb, and how do you think that would have impacted our son?"
"So you finally admit that you kept him from me?" I demand.
I feel like I'm losing all control. I feel as if I am standing outside of my body, watching someone else have this conversation with Tris.
"Eric, please listen to reason. I needed you to be ready to hear the news. I needed for you to want to work on your rehabilitation and want to be out of prison…."
"Admit it Tris, you stopped trying to make me a daddy when you found a much better replacement..."
"Eric!"
"Jack Kang is everything I'm not, right Tris? Educated, successful, sophisticated, kind, rich... I'm sure he even could fuck you better than me, huh Tris?"
"Stop it!" She hisses.
"Just tell me, Tris, just fucking admit that once you found the perfect daddy for that little bastard kid of yours you just gave up on the piece of shit sperm donor that knocked you up to start with... admit it, you fucking lying bitch..."
"Yes! Alright, is that what you want to hear Eric? Yes, I kept him from you. I didn't know if you could be a positive influence on his life because of what you had become! Look at you right now, calling our son a bastard! No, I don't want that in his life!" She yells.
I can't believe she admitted it. I stand up, move towards the door and bang on it.
"I'm out." I say to Dalton.
"Eric, please…"
I turn towards her, "You're fired."
"No." She argues.
"You told me when we started this we had a choice. I don't want to see you, you are fired, and I'm done with this psychological bullshit. You were sent here to help me and all you've done is fuck me up more. You have no idea what my life has been like, or any of the shit that's happened to me and you think coming here ten years after the fact and telling me I got you pregnant would fix me? You are so fucking selfish. I don't want that kid, and I sure as fuck wish I had of left your ass in Erudite. Write that down in your stupid fucking notebook and turn that shit in to the board." I seethe before I follow Dalton out of the room.
My head feels heavy and I can feel myself falling. I slump down against the wall and Dalton squats down in front of me.
"Can't...breathe..." I choke out.
"Take a breath," Dalton says quietly and he places a hand on my shoulder, "Hold it for three seconds, then exhale through your mouth. Keep doing it just like that." He says.
I concentrate on breathing but I start to see spots, I feel my breathing quicken and suddenly it's like I'm not getting oxygen.
"Coulter, focus on me, in through your nose, out through your mouth. Breathe with me, same pace."
I concentrate on his face, and it's the last thing I remember seeing before I slump over.
The next time I wake up, it's Hector helping me to sit up in my cot. I shake my head and he continues to chain me up.
They've taken everything out of my cell. They've got me on suicide watch, although they keep me too sedated to even try to hurt myself.
I'm so tired of it all.
"I don't want to see her." I complain.
"You have to." He replies, "Eric, you have to start cooperating. I know this is hard..."
"You knew I had a kid, didn't you?" I ask and before he can answer Dalton joins him in my cell.
They lead me back to the conference room, and as soon as I see her I refuse the visit.
We repeat this same thing for the next four days, and finally I refused to even get out of bed on the fifth day. I no longer felt like myself.
She kept him from me.
On day six, Johanna showed up, as she did today on day seven. I told her she was fired before Hector dragged me out of the cell.
This time, when I'm escorted back to my cell there are no needles and no orderlies. I'm fucking exhausted, and I practically collapse on my cot.
"Sleep Eric, I'll be here when you wake up." Hector says, and it's the last thing that I hear.