AN: Thank you again for the reviews, I appreciate them all and really enjoy hearing from you. Enjoy, and see you Thursday.
"Eric, you've got to wake up man." I can hear him, and feel him shaking me.
"Hector?" I ask and I see him nod his head.
"I need to give you this." He shows me a syringe full of purple liquid.
"I can't do any more of these serums, please Hec." I slur.
"This is the antiserum, Tris put orders in for us to clear the other shit out of your system. I swear, no more peace serum or sedation." Hector says.
I nod my head and feel him slip the needle into my neck. The difference is almost immediate, I start to feel an awareness I haven't felt in days... or longer.
"You okay?" He asks and I nod my head, "You want to talk about it?"
"I told her I didn't want him, or her, I was awful." I shake my head.
"Eric, the serums they were giving you messed you up pretty bad man," He says carefully, "I don't think you were yourself. I'm pretty sure Tris knew that too."
"She must hate me." I sigh.
"She doesn't, I talked to her," He replies.
"Can I talk to her? Is that allowed?" I ask.
"No, but you can request to speak to a psychologist on call. It might be a good idea for you to talk to someone." He says.
"Not tonight-" I begin but he cuts me off.
"If you don't talk to one of them tonight, your parole and appeals case are closed for another five years. Your son will be a teenager, Eric. Do you really want to have to explain to him that you missed another five years of his life because you were pissed at his mother?"
"No." I can feel the tears falling and I scrub them from my face.
"You can do this man. You're not the same punk ass kid who came in here almost ten years ago. You've got a chance to make things right with her." He replies.
"What do I do Hec? What do I have to do?"
"Just ask for it." He prods.
"Can I please speak to the psychologist on call?" I ask.
Hector smiles at me and puts me in handcuffs, and then leads me out of my cell. He takes me to a door right next to the guards command center, and unlocks the door.
The room is set up like an interrogation room with a table I can be cuffed to. Surprisingly, he uncuffs me and gestures for me to sit down. He dials a number and waits several seconds before handing me the phone. He slips out of the room, and I hear him locking the door again.
I'm unprepared when it's Tris that answers. At first, I didn't think I could even reply to her. How was I supposed to explain to the mother of my child that the terrible things I said to her while fighting an absurd amount of peace serum and other sedation was nothing I ever meant?
Surprisingly, she seemed to understand.
Just like Hector had told me, Tris is who had ordered that the serums be cleared from my system. She and Johanna had suspected I was having adverse reactions to serums, and they had fought the prison to discontinue their use while I was under their care. An order was placed in my medical chart that I was to receive no behavioral or sedative type serums unless they had been approved by someone from Johanna's office.
I just want her to come back. I want to know more about the son she's been raising without me.
She talked about a protocol, and she wasn't able to commit to a time when she will be able to come back before the call was disconnected.
I don't even know if she can come back tomorrow.
I fucked everything up.
"No. No. No!" I bang on the table. I stand up, and kick the chair across the room. I try to flip the table but it doesn't budge and I feel something in my shoulder pop.
"Fuck!" I shout. I grab my shoulder and bang my head against the wall. The door bursts open and Hector comes in.
"Eric, stop man, calm down."
"I fucked it all up, I fucked it all up, I..." I drop to the ground and Hector squats in front of me.
"Eric, you're hurt. If I have to call the infirmary, they're going to drug you again. If you let me take you there, it'll go a lot better. Can you walk with me?" He asks as he chains just my ankles.
"I fucked it all up." I cry a little harder.
Hector takes a seat on the floor across from me, "Eric, I'm not a shrink, man, but I can talk to you. We can talk right now. What did she say?"
"She just said stuff about the protocol and finding out if she can start our sessions again. She has to talk to Johanna to see if she can stop her from turning in any type of report to the parole board." I ramble.
"That's not unusual. Things here aren't cut and dry when it comes to rescheduling appointments, especially when the inmate has been refusing them." He answers.
"So, I really did fuck all of this up." I can feel the tears steadily leaking out of my eyes and down my cheeks. The person I was several years ago would be horrified by my show of emotions right now, but I no longer care what others think of me.
Except her, and now except my son.
"I can't believe I have a son. I can't believe she raised him for nine years of his life and no one said a damn word to me about it." I voice my inner thoughts out loud again and Hector trains his dark brown eyes on mine.
"Do you think that the way you were when you first were sent here would have been conducive for successfully supporting the mother of your child?" He asks bluntly.
Fuck. Even Hector is piling it on me.
"Hec…"
"No way man, you're not going to gloss over that. You hated Tris back then. You can try to act like you didn't, and that she's the villain in all of this, but you were awful to her. I saw her show up every visitation day for you, man. She'd sit in that waiting room for hours, hoping you'd change her mind, and one of us had to send her away with bad news every time. Eric, you need to understand some harsh truths about what you put her through with your refusal to see her. The fact that she shows up here now, job or not, and obviously cares about you speaks volumes to who she is as a person." He chastises me.
"I deserve that." I wipe my face on the sleeve of the long sleeved t-shirt I have under my prison scrub top.
"You can't talk to her about the relationship the two of you had back then, not completely open and honest, not while she's treating you. That's not good for you, because a lot of your resentment towards her is because she married Four."
I stare at Hector in disbelief. I get that he has a job to do when it comes to him working with me, but he's not in here as a CO right now, he's in here as my friend, and he's giving me a dose of reality that I needed.
"Wow." I reply simply.
"I'm not a head shrink, man. I'm also not her, so if you need someone to talk to about her, now's your time. I consider us friends, Eric. You won't catch me sitting on the fucking dirty ass floor with any other inmate." He scoffs and I smile in spite of the uncomfortable subject matter, "So spill it. We have time. Were you in love with her back then?"
"I felt something, but I can't say it was love back then, no. I was drawn to her, attracted to her, and wanted something with her had I not been a leader and she an initiate." I shrug.
"So did you two have something going on back in Dauntless?" He presses.
"We kissed, I don't know Hec, like made out or something like kids would do. It was in the moment, and I walked away from her to figure out how to handle what happened. She was in training, and had Max found out I would have been fucked and so would she."
"Four didn't seem to have that issue with morals." Hector replies and I glance at him sharply.
"I covered for them." I snap at him.
"You covered for them when you wanted her?" He argues.
"I didn't know what I wanted back then." I reply angrily.
"Yet, you punish her to this day for your own inability to commit." He replies easily.
I once again have no idea what to say.
"I'm not here to pile on you, man. This is coming from a place of friendship. We've known each other a long ass time, and I feel like we have no reason to hold back. You couldn't figure things out back then, and I get it, I really do. You had your mom breathing down your neck, Max watching everything you did, and you didn't have the mental space for a relationship when you knew what our faction was about to do." Hector continues.
"Your sisters almost died, Hec. You had to put on an act to save yourself. How can you sit here and have any type of friendly conversation with me about this?" I ask.
"Probably the same reason Bud was okay with you. There may be people who think you were in on the whole thing, but for me to believe that I would have to also believe that so many people could lie under Jack's serum. Jeanine, Max, Harrison, Hayes, all of them, man. You didn't know what they were doing, and you were eighteen years old and trying to have a relationship with your mom. How am I going to fault you for that? My own parents were wrapped up with Jeanine." He shrugs, "They knowingly worked with her and supported her cause. They also testified that you were just a kid following his mother, and that your mother didn't let you in on shit."
"I didn't know your parents were on her side. I'm sorry Hec, I feel like I should have done more."
"You need to stop beating yourself up, man." He interrupts, "The war was awful, and to an outsider looking in yeah it sure seemed like you were in the thick of it. However, it was proven over and over by evidence found, testimonies given and by your own accord you didn't know shit. When you did figure out how sinister she actually was, you acted, and she started it early. You didn't do this. You need to let that shit go, and let Tris help you with it." He replies firmly.
"You aren't holding back today, huh?" I shift so my elbow is resting on my knee and my shoulder is more supported.
"Nah. You're ready for the gloves to come off." He replies.
"Do you think I can be a good dad?" I ask.
"Yeah, I do, I think you're finally ready. You've just got to cooperate with her, man. Like actually feel and be willing to work, not just check a box for the parole board." He replies.
"He's got to be so disappointed in me. I've been locked up here going on ten years. Never once made an effort to know him. Been in a pretty fucked up state of mind for most of those years here." I argue.
"You also have zero idea of what Tris has told him about you. What I do know is this – she kept a very low profile for her entire pregnancy and for her son's life. Shauna or Lynn haven't heard from her, and I've not heard much about her myself. I've seen her around here visiting prisoners, you know for her job and stuff, but she's kept to herself. If I were a betting man, I would think that she's done that in an effort to protect your kid. She gave him your name, so in my mind that tells me she didn't try to hide you from him, she needed to protect him though."
"She needed to protect him from me." I sigh.
"Again, I'm no shrink, but Tris doesn't seem to hold any grudge against you either." He adds, "I don't think she's done anything to turn your boy against you."
"I don't deserve her." I shake my head.
"You do. You've got to get out of your own head, man. You're the only one who thinks you're this awful person. You're punishing yourself for no reason. You are not Jeanine Matthews." He replies.
"If I had seen her back then, like when she showed up here every day I would have known that she was having my baby. I would have known she was no longer with Four…."
"Look man, I may have thought you were pretty awful to her back then, but it's time for real talk. What do you think you would have done with that knowledge with the shape you were in back then? You had just sent yourself to prison, your mother was still alive, and all of her supporters were either going through appeals, trials or not even being caught yet. What would barely nineteen year old Eric have done finding out he had a kid on the way, and he was stuck behind bars for at least five years at that point?" He asks pointedly.
"I don't know." I answer honestly, "But at my five year parole…"
"You were at your worst." Hector finishes, "You were angry, fighting with everyone, still daring anyone to basically put a shiv in your back so you didn't have to off yourself. I kept up with you, man. I followed your progress and I made a lot of phone calls to the various places they shipped you off to in an effort to make those CO's understand what they were dealing with when it came to you. Eric, as your friend I'm about to be real with you, five years ago you weren't ready to be a dad. I think you are now, and I think your kid will understand your absence when he's old enough to understand this shit."
I can feel the tears building again and I don't make any effort to hide them. I need to feel this. Hector is absolutely right, I was never in any shape to be anyone's father back then. I'm not convinced I am right now, but if Tris believes in me, and if Hector does too, maybe I should listen to them.
"I don't deserve a friend like you, but I am damn grateful for you Hec." I reply.
"You're a good guy, Eric. It's time for you to start believing it. Just work with her, please. No more lashing out, and no more holding back. That woman cares about you, not just as a job, but as someone she wants in her kid's life, and maybe even hers. You can do this." He replies.
The tears fall and I keep scrubbing at my face with my sleeve. The crackling of his radio interrupts us, and he glances over at me when he's done with his report.
"Can you walk with me?" He asks and I nod my head. He helps me to my feet and he leads me to the infirmary.
"What happened to him?" An orderly asks as he signs me in.
"He was working out in his cell, he must have pulled something." Hector lies easily.
I look over at him and mouth "thank you" before they lead me back into the exam room. Today's not the first time Hector has gone above and beyond to be my friend, but what he just did means more than he'll ever know. He knows any further outbursts from me will derail my parole case, and he once again put himself out there for me.
I need to do right by him too.