AN: Happy Saturday, enjoy and see you again Tuesday.
She's looking at me with those wide hazel eyes, and she's gently rubbing her hand across mine.
I am ready.
"Jeanine was not much of a mother, and she was rarely ever around. She had a nanny for me, for a lack of a better term, honestly she was the lady who actually raised me. Her name was Elaine Waters, she was in her forties when I was born. Jeanine hired her to take care of me while she worked, and Lainie did everything. She was, for all intents and purposes, my mother. Lainie was amazing, but there were times when Lainie wasn't available to watch me. I mean, it was understandable because Jeanine never wanted to be home and actually be a mother to me, so Lainie had me a lot, and sometimes she needed a break to be with her own family. During those times, Jeanine made her assistant's teenage daughter Melanie watch me. Melanie was one of those extremely curious Erudite dependents." I explain quietly.
"Curious how, Eric?" She asks.
"She was fifteen the first time she watched me, and I was ten. She would do things to me, and make me do things to her." I hate the shake in my voice, "I can't talk about this, Tris."
"I promise that you can tell me anything Eric, I am here to help you, and I am here for you, "She entwines our fingers tighter, "Were these things sexual?" She asks and I nod, "Eric, we can report this..."
"She's dead, she was one of Jeanine's divergents that couldn't open the box."
"Did she touch you?"
I nod.
"Did she make you touch her?"
Another nod.
"Did she rape you?" She asks. When I don't answer she runs her free hand across our entwined hands, "Eric, did she force you to have intercourse with her?"
"She tried, but I physically couldn't... she would try to... Tris I can't say the words, please don't make me."
"I won't make you give me details, Eric, you don't have to say anything you don't want to."
"She watched me for a little under a year, until she started initiation when she chose Erudite. During that time, she was alone with me dozens of times…"
"You've never talked about this with anyone?" She asks.
"I tried to tell Jeanine. She basically told me to grow up and to stop complaining about natural curiosity. She didn't even care, and she didn't try to stop it. The best she did was guilt Lainie into spending more time with me so she could work later when I'd be particularly vocal about not wanting Melanie around me."
"Did you ever tell Lainie?"
I shake my head, "She knew something was wrong, but I wouldn't tell her. I felt stupid because Jeanine made it seem like it was my fault."
"It wasn't your fault, you were the victim."
I watch as several tears slip down her cheek. I move my hand from hers and wipe her face, "You're crying."
"You didn't deserve that, what she did to you, you were just a child."
"That's why I asked who you allow around Miles, you just never know. I know you were young when you had him, but you seem so much different than Jeanine when it comes to caring about a kid."
She leans into my hand briefly before catching herself and pulling away.
"He's only ever been alone with Johanna, Pedro and Jack. No one else. Pedro retired right before he was born, and he's always looked after him while I'm working. I trust the three of them implicitly."
"Good. I don't know if it was hearing about Miles, or the fact that I trust you, I just needed to get it out. It fucked me up. I never wanted to do that with anyone, as an adult."
"You didn't want to have sex?" I shake my head, "Oh Eric, that day in Erudite…" Tris says.
"Was both of our decisions." I finish for her, "I'm the one who came up with the plan, knowing that there was no way in hell it would be anything more than simulated sex for a camera. Before that day, something was off in my head Tris, I couldn't even think about being with someone intimately. I'd even tried in Dauntless with a girl I had been dating during our initiation class and I couldn't. My stupid penis wouldn't ever cooperate when it was a situation with a woman. I've always been able to self-stimulate, but the idea of touching someone or having them touch me made me feel physically sick. That day, with you, something changed for me and I wanted it. I wanted you. I trusted you. I've thought about that day a lot. You were my first, and my only. I think my refusal to see you when I was here the first time had something to do with me being upset that you shared that type of intimacy with me, but then went right back to Four. I guess in my head, I somehow expected you to want me." I reply. I loosen my tight grip on her hand, but she doesn't pull away.
"I had no idea how impactful that day was for you." She whispers.
"Well, now you know."
"Thank you for trusting me with that. I know how incredibly painful that was for you to talk about." She replies.
"I couldn't talk to other therapists about that. I trust you. I also know that Miles is almost the age I was when that happened, so it made me protective of him. I really don't want to talk about it anymore." I look down at the table.
"That's fine, Eric."
"Can I ask you something?" She nods her head, "When you found out you were pregnant... how did you feel?"
"Terrified, I was barely seventeen, pregnant, and alone."
"Were you angry at Four for leaving?" I ask.
"When my marriage fell apart, I was relieved, because I shouldn't have gotten married to start with."
"Why?"
"Can we table that for later?" She asks quietly.
I want to say no, but she's been patient with me, I owe her the same respect. I nod my head.
"Johanna answered my call. She was so supportive from the get go. I missed my mom a lot, and Jo just kind of stepped in. Neither Pedro, nor she had to take me in the way they did but they didn't even think twice. They became my family. Kind of like you and Lainie, right?"
"She was my family."
"Did Lainie ever come to visit you?"
"She couldn't. She's dead." I reply evenly.
"I'm sorry..."
"I can't talk about that, not yet, ok? I've got no family left." I explain.
"You've got me. You've also got Miles. We're your family."
"Really?" I ask and she nods, "You have always been different, you know? You've always been feisty as hell, but you weren't a typical Abnegation. It's like fear just woke you up, and it was something special to watch. I liked you, and I actually respected you because you never backed down from anyone, including me."
"I wasn't ever afraid of you, but when Tobias warned me that you were working for Jeanine, I believed him. Especially when I had seen her in the faction, and even overheard her speaking to you and Max about divergents."
"No wonder you refused to talk to me. There's a part of me that wishes I could have talked to you back then like we talk now."
"What do you think you would have said?"
"I don't know. I was too fucked up with Jeanine." I shrug.
"What if you hadn't of been dealing with that?"
"I was working through some feelings when it came to you. Obviously, the kiss we shared after training that day was unexpected."
"But not unwanted." She says.
I bring my hand back to the table and thread it with hers. She doesn't hesitate, and she doesn't pull away.
There's something there.
"No, it was wanted. I guess it confused me. You were the first since Skyler." I say and Tris gives me a strange look, "She was the girl from training that I had dated. Everything that happened with her was her initiating it. That kiss with you, that was the first time I had actually initiated contact with anyone."
I go on to explain the relationship I had with Sky, an Amity transfer who was in my initiation class. I tell her everything, like how I couldn't initiate any contact with my former girlfriend, or how when I was actually fully undressed, with a beautiful woman in the bed with me, also undressed, I couldn't physically do anything with her. I'm telling her some of my most embarrassing moments, how my own girlfriend thought maybe I was closeted, and I allowed her to think that to prevent any further conversation. I didn't care that Sky thought I was gay, I cared that I couldn't perform as a man.
"That day, in Erudite, when you and I..." She trails off.
"I just felt. I don't know if it was the adrenaline, the fear of dying, or what, but with you it felt right. I swear, I never expected us to get that far. I didn't know if I would ever make it through my own mental hangups when it came to sex, but I trusted you." He replies.
Ten years hasn't diminished that trust, because when she was touching my hair and scratching my scalp earlier, I could feel myself physically reacting to her. When Lauren would visit me in Indy, before she became involved with Lynn, she tried to get me to hook up with her. I had no physical reaction to her, but Tris is different. How do I tell her that without scaring the hell out of her?
"And I broke that trust." She says and I nod, "You and I had experienced something profound that day, for both of us as individuals, and together as well. When I left you on the train, I broke that trust."
"I wanted you off the train, Tris. I didn't want them to hurt you." I reply. It's time to tell her the truth, "It was you running right back to Four that broke the trust for me."
Her eyes are wide, and I can tell she's on the verge of tears again, "I didn't want to leave you." She replies.
"You didn't want to leave me on the train, or you actually didn't want to leave me to go back to him, Tris?" I ask.
It feels like my heart is going to explode from my chest. The door swings open, and it's Dalton this time. He lets me know that it's time for me to return to my cell.
"Is it possible that we could have a few more minutes?" She asks Dalton and he shakes his head.
"He was lucky to get this time today with the way he's acted lately. Up and at 'em Coulter." He says.
I stand up and patiently wait for Dalton to get me chained up. I stare at Tris the entire time, and she doesn't look away.
Dalton gives my chains a brief tug and I move towards him.
"Both." Tris says, keeping eye contact with me.
Holy fucking shit, she finally said something. I watch her for as long as I can before being led out of the room. I can't help the stupid smile on my face, and she flashes one back at me before I'm out the door.
"You seem happy," Dalton remarks and I nod my head.
"Yeah, I feel good. Where's Hector?" I ask.
"Boss lady called him to her office." He shrugs.
I look over at him and narrow my eyes, I know this guy from somewhere, and I can't place it.
"Something wrong?" He asks as we make our way slowly down the empty corridor.
"I know you from somewhere, but I can't figure out where. Were you always here?" I ask.
He cracks a smile at me, "Dauntless, barber shop."
"Fuck, Mike Dalton, you gave me my first Dauntless haircut!" I exclaim and he chuckles.
"I did, and it looks like you might be a bit overdue for another." He gestures towards my hair, which is calmer than usual due to Tris' work, but still past my shoulders and a mess of waves and curls.
"How'd you end up here?" I ask and he slows our pace.
"Hiring boom after the war. Kassie and I already had two kids of our own by then, and another on the way. I didn't know what was going to happen once they put the city back together, so I went where the need was. Here I am ten years later, but the pay is good. How about you, Eric, how did you end up here?"
"You already know." I look down at my shoes and the older man tugs on my chain to get my attention.
"I know what bullshit sent you here, but what I'm asking is how did you end up here? We all know you didn't do the shit they accused you of." He presses.
"The reason I'm here is because of me." I reply as we begin our slow walk back down to my cell.
Mike unlocks the cell, and leads me inside, removing my chains before closing the door and locking me back in. He stands outside the window and looks at me.
"It's good that you acknowledge what got you here, because you're the only person keeping yourself here." He says carefully.
"You've been talking to Hector I see." I shake my head.
"Yeah, but I also don't believe you should be here either. There's a reason you've been seeing more of Hector and me lately, we've tried to purposely be available when it comes to you. We're trying to keep the assholes who always want to give you a hard time away." He replies.
"Mike, can I ask you something?" I ask and he nods, "How are you able to just be okay with me?"
"What do you mean?" He asks.
"You knew me from Dauntless, and we shot the shit many times in the barber shop, but my mother tore our city apart. She turned everyone into fucking zombies, shooting up the city, and she caused so many people to have nothing to go home to. I was there with her. How can you just be okay with me?" I ask.
His dark brown eyes meet mine, "Because you're not your mother. Anyone with two working ears heard everyone's testimony Eric, you didn't know shit about what she was doing. She was your mother, for fuck's sake, and you were just a kid trying to be there for your mom."
"Thank you." I say and he nods his head.
"No thanks needed, just call 'em like I see 'em. What do you have there?" He asks, gesturing towards the papers I pulled from my scrub pocket.
I pass it through the bars to him and he looks over the several drawings I kept from Miles. He carefully passes them back to me, "Do you need me to grab some tape?" He asks.
"That would be great."
Mike returns minutes later with a tape dispenser, "I've gotta keep it with me, but I can pass you pieces as you need 'em."
I place each drawing on the wall by my bed, so it was the first thing I would see every morning. Mike passes me tape as I need, and when I'm done he speaks again.
"Looks good." He says.
"Thanks Mike. I appreciate it." I reply and he nods once before making his way back to the desk.