I told her everything.
I gave her all the ugly details of the sexual abuse. I told her about all of the fights that caused me to be sent from facility to facility. I told her about Bud, and how running into him in El Paso changed my life for the better. Bud became my mentor, a father figure I desperately needed in my life, and a respected friend who did everything he could to lead me on a better path. When he died, a part of me died with him, but it was his impact that made me change. There had been a huge brawl that broke out right before I left, and the person I was before meeting Bud would have been right in the thick of it, fucking people up. Instead, I threw myself over the smaller man they were beating, and absorbed the blows meant for him.
I left there a changed man.
Tris listened to all of it, never letting me go, and repeating over and over that I was worthy of our son's love.
I also want to be worthy of hers.
Some asshole guards that I'd never even seen before took Hec's place at the door burst in like I was hurting her. I immediately cooperated, but they put a report in that I was being combative and insubordinate, and as a result the prison has decided to conduct an investigation.
One that keeps Tris away from me until they've finished it.
I'm pissed but there's not a damn thing I can do. My appellate lawyers have informed me that all of the recorded sessions are now being reviewed as part of the investigation to ensure there's been no misconduct.
There's nothing for them to find, but I still worry.
Perry escorts me down to my first phone appointment with Tris, where this time I'm chained to the table that I hurt myself trying to flip. I watch in silence as Perry dials the number and once he's confirmed Tris is on the line he hands the phone off to me.
"Thirty minutes." He barks before shutting the door behind him.
"Why am I only getting thirty minutes?" I ask Tris and she sighs.
"They're being incredibly inflexible right now, we just have to make the best of what we're given. Are they treating you okay?"
"Business as usual." I replied. There's no need to worry her, "Did you get in any trouble?"
"No. Johanna and Jason reviewed all of our sessions, and neither found any misconduct. They're confident the board will feel the same."
"Tris, how do I do this?" I ask.
"How do you do what, Eric?"
"Be a father. I can't stop thinking of him. How am I going to do this? Is he going to hate me? Is he going to be angry at me for missing his whole life?" I ramble.
"Wow, okay, let's slow down and take these one at a time. As for how you're going to do this, you're not going to be alone. I'll be there beside you, every step of the way. Miles isn't angry at you at all, Eric. He loves you." She answers.
"You're awesome Dad!" I hear a little voice in the background and it feels like my heart might actually beat out of my chest.
"Miles, I'm working." Tris says in a hushed tone, but I can hear the humor laced in her voice.
"You're doing a good job Dad, love you goodnight!" I hear him call out and Tris chuckles.
"He's a bit rebellious." She says.
"Well, he is our son." I reply softly.
A few days later, Tris and I are on our scheduled thirty minute call when she asks me something that catches me off guard.
"What do you miss the most from life before prison?"
It's a simple question that I have no immediate answer to. My hesitation is noticed and she speaks again.
"Person, place, thing." She specifies.
"Person, I'd have to say you. I know my behavior when I was first locked up, and even more recently when we first started meeting didn't really seem like I did."
"Yeah, it was a little dicey." She chuckles.
"Place, probably the chasm. There was something soothing about listening to it. Things... hmmm... pizza. Good, deep dish pizza, pepperoni and sausage, banana peppers. That's what I miss. Oh and just feeling the sun."
"Don't you get any time outside?" She asks.
"Outside is dangerous. It's where shit happens. I try to avoid it."
The guards came and got me before she could ask me anything else that evening. Several days later, it's me who catches her off guard when our conversation shifts into a more casual and personal direction.
"So you're telling me that the guy shows up at your date with his mother?" I ask through laughter.
"It was awful." She laughs, "That was my first and last blind date."
She'll never answer questions about Amity, so I take a different angle tonight, "What were you going to say to me had I walked out of Candor?" I ask.
She takes a deep breath, and I know I've gotten to her, "I would have thanked you for saving my life." She says quietly.
"What else?" I ask.
"What would you have said?" She turns the tables on me, which is exactly what I wanted her to do.
"I would have asked you to leave with me, just like I did in Erudite."
"I didn't need rescuing that day in Candor." She argues.
"Would you have told me no?" I press.
"Eric..."
"You hadn't even turned seventeen yet. It was just a few months before your birthday, you're telling me you were ready to be married to him? You're going to tell me you wouldn't have left that day with me?"
Silence. The seconds tick away, and for a moment I worry that I pushed her too far. Or, maybe I'm reading her wrong.
"You already know the answer." She replies carefully.
I smile. I'm not reading her wrong at all. It's a victory, albeit a small one. I don't stop smiling as they lead me to my cell that night.
A few days later, one of my appellate team members visited me. They don't come around a lot, instead they're constantly working behind the scenes, but today one of the young guys named Tyson Tillery is here.
He's a huge guy, towering at least four inches over me, and maybe seventy pounds heavier, with a shaved bald head and dark skin. He looks like an NFL linebacker, yet he chose to go to law school, and his muscles threaten to tear through all of his tailored suits. I thought I'd hate him, because he's been the one person who's never been afraid to call me on my shit and his first several visits we butted heads over it. I've learned he's a fucking great dude, and I enjoy when he does come by.
"How's it going Eric?" He asks once I'm unchained, offering me his hand to shake.
"It's been weird, I'm sure you guys were in the loop for this investigation." I sigh.
"Yeah, minor setback though. They're going through everything with a fine tooth comb, but you're looking good." He explains, "You've got to be careful with your therapist though. The parole board might be lenient, but I don't know that appeals judges will be too keen."
"I'm trying. It's difficult with the past we have, and having a son together."
"There's definitely history there, but your cooperation with her has been noticed. That's why I'm here today, to tell you that we're going to file a petition with the governor's office for a pardon." He explains.
"Seriously? Isn't that a waste?" I ask and he shakes his head.
"Not at all. This is the end of the governors last term, and the timing is good to get it on her desk. You've been doing really well these past several years, it's been your inability to cooperate with court ordered therapy. You're knocking it out of the park now."
"Damn. I didn't think any of this would be possible." I shake my head.
"The trifecta, we're working on your appeal, Johanna Reyes' team is working on parole, and we'll throw the request for pardon in as well. One way or another, you're getting out of here. Now, business stuff. We need to think about life after here, establishing a residence, getting a job, details like that. What are your thoughts?" He asks.
"Wow. I have no idea." I reply honestly.
"You've got time, just keep it on your radar. When one of the avenues we're pursuing works out, you're going to have to have those details ironed out." He replies, "You got any family? Friends? Someone who can give you a place to stay while you get back on your feet?"
"No family, and I've not been great at maintaining friendships. I've got some friends back in Indy..."
"Depending on the terms, you may not be able to travel out of state." Tyson interrupts and shakes his head.
"I'll work on it." I promise.
He slides some papers for me to sign for the pardon request and he helps me to understand the legalese before showing me where to sign and initial. We bid our goodbyes, and I decided not to mention this meeting to Tris. I don't want to give her and Miles false hope, especially since this is the first time I've been a willing participant in my own potential release.
I've been an idiot.
I tell Tris just how much of an idiot I've been on our next call. Tonight, it's Hector who escorts me, and he gives me a promise to allow Tris and I more time tonight, because he knows how much I'm struggling with the short conversations and interruptions.
"What makes you say that you're an idiot?" She asks me.
"I feel like I've just wasted years of my life. I've wasted the time I could have been with my son." I sigh, "Tris, ever since the day I heard his name, all I've been able to do is think about him. How different could our lives have been if I had gotten my head out of my ass almost ten years ago and just saw you when you showed up here to visit me?"
"Do you think you were ready back then?" She asks.
I think about that for a minute. Usually, when she challenges me like this, I snap at her. Not anymore. It's taking me several weeks now, but I've learned during my interactions with Tris that it's important to think before I react or speak.
"Were you?" I counter.
"Was I ready for what, Eric?" She asks, and there's a bit of anger in her voice.
"For any of it, Tris." I retort.
"To be pregnant? No. To be a mother? Also no." She replies evenly. I almost hate it more when she removes all emotion from her voice. At least if I can see her, I can get an idea of how she's feeling based on her reactions. On the phone, she's a mystery.
"I left you no choice though, huh?" I reply angrily.
"Eric, it's not that simple. We both made the decision to have sex that day, and we did so without any type of protection or thought of the consequences of our actions…."
"I made a conscious decision that resulted in me being sent here. I made that decision, Tris…" I snap.
"Why did you make that decision, Eric?" She presses.
"Not tonight, Tris. If you want to have that conversation, it'll need to be in person. I can't sit a room by myself and relive that shit, not tonight."
I wish I could see her right now. I wish I could touch her, even if it's just her hand tangled with mine, I need that from her. I need to see her face, and feel her true emotions when I talk about that.
I need to know if she's going to judge me for what I did back then.
"Okay, Eric. Not tonight, but when we are face to face again, don't shut me out." She says.
"It's not a matter of shutting you out, Tris. It's a matter of losing what we have now once you hear all of the dirty details of the life that I've lived without you." The words just spill out, and I close my eyes in preparation of her response.
"You think I'll stop seeing you?" She asks.
"No, because I know you are dedicated to your job, and you wouldn't stop treating me. I'm afraid that once you hear everything, you may not want me in your life. Or Miles…" I can't finish that thought, and I drop my head to the table and screw my eyes shut.
"Eric, there's something I've held back that I think you should know. I came to see you in prison before I ever knew I was pregnant." She says.
"Why?"
"Because I cared about you. I hated that you were there, and that you felt like you deserved to be there. I didn't want you to be alone." She says with a break in her voice.
"You still care about me Tris, it's more than just this case for you."
"Eric." She says firmly.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah… can't talk about it. Can't feel it. I got it." I reply sarcastically and she laughs. It's not what I expected, but it cuts through the tension between us.
"You're a lot like your son." She says.
"How so?"
"Rebellious. Pushing the envelope. Doesn't like to be told no." She replies and I can hear the smile in her voice.
"I heard that Mom!" I hear Miles yell in the background and I laugh. "Love you Dad! Keep being awesome!"
"Miles, close the door…" She scolds, and I hear the rustle of her covering the phone and the low hum of a conversation before she returns to the call, "Sorry, he's excited."
"It's okay. I love hearing from him." I admit. "It's been ten days, Tris. Are they ever going to let you come back?"
"We've not heard anything yet. You know as soon as we do, I'll be there." She replies.
"What about Miles?"
"I told you I'd bring him as soon as your personal visitation has been restored."
"You haven't changed your mind?" I press.
"No. Eric, you've been doing great. I know having these shorter sessions on the phone aren't as good as being in the same room, but I'm pleased with your progress. You're ready."
"I'm glad you think so. I'm personally scared shitless." I chuckle.
Hector pops his head in the room and holds up five fingers, and I nod before he leaves, "Hector just came in, he's giving us five minutes."
"Okay, what's the first thing you want to do when you see Miles?" She asks.
"Earn his trust." I answer quickly, "I'm the mystery dad who's missed his entire life, who he knows through old pictures, and other people's memories of me. I want him to know who I am now, and I want to answer all of his questions, and I want him to leave that first visit knowing he can trust me."
She's quiet for several seconds and my stomach dips a bit.
"You're absolutely ready Eric." She whispers and I finally smile.