AN: My apologies for not updating. One of my oldest friends recently passed away due to COVID, and it's been extremely difficult to find any peace, especially when people continue to spread misinformation and lies about this virus, or outright call it a hoax or mock its seriousness. Today's actually my birthday, and I'm just numb. Working on the edits for this story are a welcomed distraction, and I plan on getting back into the rhythm with updates.
I try not to make these author notes personal, but today it just hurts. Here in the United States people have politicized the pandemic. Please take this virus seriously. Please get vaccinated, and don't let politics influence your decision. My friend believed strongly that the vaccine was a way for the government to control her and take her personal choices away, and her dedication to that belief quite likely cost her her life. She leaves behind a teenage son, and a preteen daughter who are unable to wrap their heads around their mother's stubbornness, or deal with their anger due to her death.
Hold each other a little bit tighter today.
=
I was riding the high of finally meeting my son, we had an amazing first weekend together, but I knew something was off with Tris. She was engaged and involved in both visits this weekend, but she was a bit distant with me. My mind immediately went into the worst possible place, which is that something must be wrong with my case, and she was trying to protect Miles and me from whatever it was. It made me lose a bit of sleep over the weekend, and my mood this morning is pretty sour as a result.
"Coulter… hey Coulter… I know you're awake in there." One of my fellow inmates yells from down the hall. Our cells haven't officially been open to begin the day, and during the early morning hours I can usually enjoy a little quiet.
This asshole isn't allowing it.
"Coulter!" He yells and I lay back on my cot. He keeps yelling my name, and the other inmates on our block are getting pissed, so I finally answer.
"What do you want?" I growl.
"I seen you meeting with people this weekend, I want to know that woman." The unknown voice calls out, "She is a hot piece of ass and I want to know how you pulled that. She got a kid too. That kid yours Coulter? Does that kid need a daddy?"
"Who are you?" I ask, I press myself to my cell door, looking out of the barred window.
"They call me Loco. I want to know what her name is." He calls out.
"Shut it up, Tucker." Hector calls as he set his bag down at the duty desk.
"Naw man, you always gotta come up here taking his side." The inmate that I now know is Tucker calls out.
"Tucker, I'm on the side of silence, which is what everyone on this block wants right now. Lay back down and shut up, or else you'll find yourself somewhere else." Hector says firmly and finally we have silence.
This is exactly what I didn't want – other inmates to see my family. My professional visits with Tris are private, and as much as they try to protect children in here there's always a chance that another inmate with an approved visit with their own children will cross paths with mine.
This fucker Tucker is trying to start some shit, but I won't allow it.
"Let's get a shower." Hector says quietly as he unlocks my cell door.
I sit quietly as he chains me, and neither of us speak until we're far enough away from other prisoners.
"I'll kill him," I whisper and Hector jerks me to a stop.
"You will ignore him, and everyone else like him. Tris is an attractive woman, and other inmates are going to notice her. You need to learn how to deal with people trolling you, man. This will eventually bleed into your life outside of prison too, what are you gonna do, kick everyone's ass who looks at your woman?"
"If I have to, yeah." I mumble.
"Good luck with that, man. My wife is fucking hot, and trust me when I say people notice. It's a compliment." He shrugs as he pulls me back down the hall.
"We're different people. Someone looks at Tris the wrong way, I see red." I reply and he shakes his head.
"That caveman shit isn't gonna work with her, man. You gotta calm that anger down. You're way too worked up this morning, what's wrong? I heard from Mike that your weekend with your kid went really well, why are you acting like this?" Hector asks.
"She's distant, something is bothering her and I couldn't figure out what it was." I shake my head, "I think she knows something bad about my case."
"Why do you always jump to the worst possible conclusion?" He asks.
I sigh and he unlocks my chains once we're close to the shower shack, "Because I just have a bad feeling. Everything is going too well."
"Go shower, clear your head. I'll be out here and we can talk once you're out." He replies and I nod once.
The shower is busier than I wanted it to be, but I know in order to be ready for my early appointment with Tris I need to be here during peak time. No matter what I do, I can't clear my head, and my anxiety is at an all-time high.
"I need something for my anxiety, Hec." I say quietly as he leads me back to my cell.
"We can do that, man. Let me radio down to the infirmary to find out if they need to see you, or if we can just pick up a serum. I know Tris has orders to not give you the peace serum, so I need to find out what you're allowed to have." Hector answers as he unlocks my cell door, "Hang tight in here, and I'll get an answer as soon as possible."
I pace my cell once he locks the door, and no matter what I do I cannot seem to make my brain shut off. Hec's right, we had a great weekend with Miles, but something was off with Tris and for some reason I feel like it has everything to do with me. Maybe it's selfish of me to assume, but I just have a bad feeling that I cannot seem to shake.
The last time I felt like this, the bitch that gave birth to me was on the cusp of starting a fucking war. I was too young to understand it then, but now when I get a bad feeling about something, I listen to my gut.
"No needles this time, just pills. It's an anti-anxiety that they were able to get Johanna to approve over the phone." Hector says from outside my barred cell door.
"That works, thanks." I reply. I take the pills and wash them down with a few sips from the bottle of water he brought.
"Eric, whatever is going on in your head, just talk about it with her today. That's ultimately what she's here for." Hector says.
"Have you heard anything Hec?" I ask and the dark haired man shakes his head, "If you did, would you tell me?"
"We're friends, Eric. I'd do my best, you know that." Hector says and the crackle of his shoulder radio interrupts us.
"Therapy for Coulter." A voice says over the radio and Hector meets my eyes.
"Ready man?" He asks and I nod.
I'm as ready as I'm going to get.
When Hector and Perry lead me down to the room, I'm still anxious, but once the door opens and I see her I feel a warm sense of calm washing over me.
She looks beautiful.
She's cut some of her hair off, and the natural waves are flowing down to her shoulders. She has a thin headband holding it back from her face, which has light makeup applied. Her hazel eyes are bright and the corners of her lips curl up in a smile as we make eye contact.
I hope that whatever she is holding back from me doesn't change the progress we've made, because I'm starting to believe that I'm not the only person who's falling in love here.
When we're alone, we begin to talk, going over how we're both feeling about the weekend visit with Miles. I can't hide my emotions when I talk about our son, and how excited I was to finally be able to meet the little boy who I helped to create so many years ago.
I didn't expect to be a father, but now that I know that I am one it's everything to me.
I'm careful in my choice of words today, because I desperately want Tris to tell me what's bothering her, and I don't want any of my anxiety to prevent her from doing so. She raised our child for almost ten years of his life alone because she was afraid that I wasn't ready to handle the news or responsibilities, I won't let that happen again.
I notice that bringing up Four causes a physical reaction in her, and it's then that I realize that he must have something to do with her anxiety.
I was wrong, it's not Four, it's the knowledge of who my father is. I'm listening as she flounders a bit, it's the first time since we've started this that I've seen her this flustered. Angry, yes, but nervous and flustered like this, no.
I keep telling her to just tell me what she knows, I need it to come from her, a woman who I know cares about me, not as my therapist. I'm still not prepared for the name that drops from her lips.
"Marcus Eaton." She says.
I push away from the table and move towards her. I stand over her and just stare through her. Marcus Eaton is my father, making Four…
Making him nothing.
I begin pacing back and forth in the room, and when I turn around, she's right there. I feel her place her hands on my chest, and I grasp them in my own. I finally look down at her and her hazel eyes are full of unshed tears.
I can do this.
For my son.
For her.
"Does he… have you told him… Four…." I stammer.
"No, he and I have not spoken since we separated ten years ago, and even if we were still on good terms I'd never tell him before I talked to you."
I release her hands, "I don't give a fuck about the camera. I need you."
She spreads her arms and I step towards her, wrapping my arms around her and losing myself in her embrace. I bury my face in her neck, breathing in her scent.
She tells me everything she knows, which shocks me to my core. I have to stay strong, I have more than myself to think of now.
"Marcus never said a fucking word, Tris. I saw him in Erudite all the time, both when I was growing up and then as a leader working with Jeanine. I'd seen that man hundreds of times, and he never said one fucking word." I reply.
"I don't think he ever knew. He only spoke of Tobias when he was under truth serum, never of any other children. I can imagine that an inter faction affair wouldn't have looked favorable on Jeanine-"
"So she hid it." She nods against me, "Do you think Four knew?" I ask.
"I don't know, Eric. He never mentioned it to me..."
"But he was fucking obsessed with me in Dauntless, Tris. You don't understand how he was for those two years before you transferred." I counter.
"It's possible that he knew, Eric. I will tell you that he never said a word to me, if he did know."
"I hate him, Tris. I hated who he was in our initiation class, I hated how he tracked my every move, I hated that he was their first choice for leadership, I hated that even though he didn't want leadership he tried to sabotage my chances, I hated that he was your first choice, I hated him with you, I hate what he did to you…"
"I know you do." She whispers and rubs her hands up and down my back.
"And now, except for Miles, he's the only person left who I share DNA with. I hate him, but he's not the monster Jeanine or Marcus were."
"No, he's not. I think his own paranoia misguided him." She adds.
"I'm not ready for him to know, Tris. I can't deal with him yet."
"You're who I care about. You're my patient. We don't do anything with this that you're not ready for."
"I trust you." I say as I look into her eyes, "You will never knowingly hurt me."
I need her to believe this. I do trust her, I love her, and I know she is doing the things she does because she loves me too.
"I would never knowingly hurt you." She replies.
I move away from her and finally sit back down at the table, gesturing for her to join me. She sits directly beside me, close enough that our shoulder touch.
"I'd look at everyone, Tris. I'd search for my own face in every man I would meet, wondering if there was a chance maybe he could have been my father. I looked so much like Jeanine, but there were parts of me I was sure must have come from him. I may not like who it was, but at least now I know."
I put my hand on her leg and she brings her hand down to mine. I thread our fingers together and she leans her head on my shoulder.
"Can you tell me what you're thinking?" She asks.
"I will be a better father than him. I won't ever lay a finger on you or Miles. I watched his fear landscape once I was in leadership. Jeanine was convinced he was divergent, so she had me study it. I didn't need to be convinced to watch it, I'd always wondered how a Stiff only had four fears." I press my lips to her head, instantly regretting using the slang term for her former faction, "Sorry," I add and I feel her nod, "He hid it well in his sims, and he showed that he belonged in Dauntless. Regardless of what any test said." I add.
"I know you would never hurt us. I trust you, and we are safe with you." She says and I tighten my grip on her hand.
"How do I do this, Tris?" I ask. I can feel her try to move, but I stay put.
"What do you mean?" She asks.
"I have a lot of answers now. My mother was a mad woman and my father was a cheating, abusive asshole."
"You have a son who is pretty amazing. You have…" She trails off, but she squeezes my hand. I hope she means that I also have her.
"I don't know how to feel about any of this. I'm glad that I know, I just don't know how to process it. I hate him, Tris. How do I deal with him? What am I going to fucking do if he's known this entire time and never said a goddamn word to me?"
"You're doing really well so far," She replies and I squeeze her hand, "I'm so proud of the progress you've made. You don't have to have any answers right now."
"It's just the way I think, I was taught to evaluate everything Tris."
I have a brother. How the fuck are we ever going to be able to get along?
He had to know.
"You know him better than I do. Should I want a relationship with him?" I ask.
"I don't know him much at all now. We've managed to avoid each other for ten years while living in the same city." She replies.
"Did he ever try to talk to you after everything happened?"
She shakes her head, "No. The day I found out I was pregnant, I told him that I had sex with you."
She stops speaking suddenly and I remove my hand from hers, opting to wrap an arm around her instead.
Fuck the camera.
"He just left?" I press.
"He asked me if it was forced."
I sigh, of course the asshole would think that I am capable of that.
Tris continues, "I told him no. He asked if I liked it, I admitted I did. He asked me if I wanted to be with you instead of him."
"What did you say?" I ask.
"I told him the truth. I told him that I did want to be with you, and had circumstances been different I would have. He just disappeared. When he came back, he kicked me out of our house, and I called Johanna. We were just kids back then," She shakes her head and I pull her closer to my side, "He knew I was suffering from PTSD, but he didn't want me talking to anyone. I don't think that he understood how much I was suffering, and I don't think I ever understood what the war did to him, either."
"You two had your marriage annulled?" I ask and she nods.
"We did. He married Christina as soon as we finalized it. They have three kids, and the life they both wanted, I suppose."
"Was it the life you wanted?" I ask.
"Not with him."
We talk some more, and for most of the conversation I don't even think about the bombshell that Tris dropped on me. I think about our son, and my energies and desires to be a better father than I ever had are renewed. I will never allow my son to grow up without knowing exactly how much I love him.
I'll also always be honest with him about the mistakes I've made, and I'll make sure to never repeat them. When she asks me about my future, it throws me a bit. The world outside is different than the one I left, and I'm honestly not sure how to navigate it.
"While I'm glad that Miles will never live in a world where he has to choose between his faction or family as a sixteen year old child, I just don't know how I fit in to that open world now." I reply honestly.
"That's what you have me for," She nudges my knee with her own, "I don't know if you remember from that first day, but when I introduced myself to you I explained that my job is to help prepare you for life after prison."
"What kind of things do you do for people like me?"
"Assist with finding work, housing and transportation. Provide after care, and ongoing therapy as needed. What kind of things could you see yourself doing after here?" She asks.
"Working with kids, you know maybe kids like me who are growing up without one or more parents. Or maybe those who are in the system because their caregivers are locked up. I'd like to help them not make the mistakes I made."
"We've been trying to get an after school program started for a little while now. The timing would be great when you're out to be able to help stand that up." She offers.
"Johanna actually employs people like me?"
"What exactly do you mean?" She challenges.
"Felons. Cons. Whatever." I shrug.
"You're none of those things, however even if you were, yes. We rehabilitate prisoners, Eric. We prepare them for their re-entry into society. So, even if you were guilty of every crime you were accused of, we work to rehabilitate you."
I watch her for any signs of deceit and find none.
"Tris, thank you for running the DNA test. It's not what either of us wanted, but you've once again proven that you will do everything you can to help me heal. I appreciate you letting me process this at my own pace. This is a lot." I say quietly.
"Tell me what you need from me." She replies.
"I've never had anyone care about me the way you do. This isn't just a job, right Tris? Is this you caring for a normal patient? Or is this just you caring because I'm his father?" I stand and start pacing again.
What if I am misreading this entire situation?
"Eric.." She begins, but the door opens and Hector enters.
"Can we please have more time?" She asks but he shakes his head.
"I waited as long as I could. We have to go, I'm getting heat from my boss, I'm sorry Tris," Hector says and he begins to chain me back up.
"It's more, it's always been more Eric. Always." She says frantically and Hector begins to pull me from the room.
"You mean it?" I call out over my shoulder.
"Yes!" I hear her call out before I round the corner.
"I love her Hec." I say once we're alone in the hallway.
"I know you do man, you have since the two of you were kids." He replies, "It sounds like she feels the same." He looks over at me as we continue to walk.
"I think she does." I reply.