Ames had no interest in allowing me my personal phone time immediately after a session with Johanna, and as much as I wanted to go off on the bastard I didn't, instead I just walked with him back to my cell and didn't say shit even though he was giving me a hard time the entire walk back.
I try to do some pushups to expel some energy, but my shoulder still feels a little off, so I flip through the books that Miles and Tris gave for Christmas. Even those aren't distracting me from my talk with Jo. I know that Pedro has already agreed to bring Miles tomorrow, he actually surprised me by showing up during my personal visitation time yesterday. Even Johanna had no idea he was coming, but what started as a bit of an awkward visit turned into something great by the end. He's the closest thing Tris has to a father right now, and I wanted to be sure to get some sort of approval from him so that he is comfortable with me being in both Miles and Tris' life. I think we are off to a pretty good start.
I decide to lay down on my cot, I know it's at least a couple of hours before Ames is off duty, so my best bet is Hector or Mike allowing me time later to make my personal calls. Maybe a little shut eye won't hurt. I pull my makeshift curtain closed, which is nothing more than a sheet I have tucked under the top bunk that I can pull around my bunk to give me some privacy and lay back on my cot.
I wish she was here with me.
I told Johanna that me being in love with Tris was a recent development, but that may not be true. I've had feelings for her for a long time, and the things I've felt for her definitely held me back from pursuing things with Lauren a few years back.
I can't tell if it's night or day when I hear my cell door creaking open. I yank the sheet that I use as a makeshift curtain around my bunk back and find Mike standing in my cell, with chains.
"Ready for personal calls?" He asks.
"Yeah." I stand up and stretch, and then he begins to chain me up.
"You've got forty five minutes tonight, how do you plan on splitting it?" He asks as he escorts me down the hall.
"Fifteen with Miles, he's at his grandparents' house so we'll need to call them. Jo added a new number to my approved list, should be under Jack Kang, can we do ten with him, and then the rest with Tris?" I ask.
"Jack Kang?" He inquires as we enter the room.
"Yeah. You know how Tris is sick right?" I ask and he nods, "Johanna has been doing our appointments."
"Reyes, right? Former Amity leader?" He asks and I nod.
"Yeah. She suggested I talk to Jack, and to have him bring Miles up on Sunday for the family visit."
"That's…." He trails off.
"Jack and Tris had a four year relationship from when Miles was three till he was seven. He helped raise my son, and he and Tris ended on friendly terms. He's still part of Miles' life, and I'm having a hard time with it." I say as I sit down at the table.
"Damn. I had no idea." He shakes his head.
"Did Avery have a step dad?" I ask and Mike nods his head.
"Yeah, Piper married a guy in Amity, his name is Glen. He pretty much raised Avery, and when I came into the picture we had joint custody where he would spend some time at my house and some at theirs." Mike replies as he unchains me.
"You two have a good relationship?" I ask.
"Oh yeah, Glen is good people, and he loves my kid. That's all I can ask for right? You're hoping to build the same type of relationship with Jack, huh?" He asks.
"Yeah. I have no idea what their relationship is like, I've not been there for it, so of course in my head he's been Miles' dad this whole time. Add his success, his ability to provide for them when I can't, and the fact that from what I know and have heard he's a good guy, it makes me kind of hate him."
"It's a good idea to see them together. Once I saw Glen and Avery together, I could appreciate the relationship they have and the love they have, ya know? But, at the end of the day, Avery is my boy, and we all know it. It's not a territorial thing, it's just natural." Mike replies.
"I appreciate you Mike, your experiences really do help me get through this."
"Don't mention it, now let's get your boy on the phone." He smiles.
Once I have the phone in my hand, it's only seconds before Miles picks up.
"Dad, I got an A on my project. A perfect A. Mrs. Fielder loved it, she said the dinorama… or…"
"Diorama?" I prompt.
"Yeah the diorama was awesome. I also was able to tell the class about each planet, and how their atmosphere was. She gave me a perfect A Dad!"
"Dude, that's awesome!" I exclaim.
"Oh and Grampy is bringing me to see you tomorrow. I can't wait for you to see him, my Grampy is the best. Oh and he's making breakfast for dinner, do you ever get that?"
"No, I don't, tell me more about it." I say and I smile as my son prattles on about French toast, and all of the fixings.
The warning tone comes all too soon, but we end the call with our usual I love you's and a promise that we'll see each other tomorrow.
When Mike hands me the phone for Jack's call, my stomach is in knots.
"Hello, is this Eric?" I hear his familiar voice on the line.
"Um, yeah, hi." I reply nervously.
"Eric, it's good to hear from you. How are you doing?"
"Pretty good, all things considered. Working on getting out of here." I reply.
"I've heard, and from what I understand it seems to be going very well." He replies easily.
"Oh, does Tris talk about it?" I ask.
"She does, but not any details. I get most of my insight from your legal team. They're excited about the probabilities with your case."
"Probabilities? That definitely sounds good."
"Indeed. There's positive feedback from everyone, and your cooperation this time with the court mandated therapy has been noted. It's very good, Eric." He says.
"What do you do now, well now that the city is different?" I ask, genuinely curious.
"In the prior structure of our city, I believe I toed the line between a lawyer and judge in the way we are formatted now. There is a clear separation of duties now, a lawyer presents their case, and a judge or jury decides it." He explains.
"So a judge?" I ask.
"No, I haven't earned that yet. I'm a lawyer now, in the private sector. I actually traded sides of the aisles, as they call it. I'm a defense attorney." He says.
"That actually surprises me." I say with honesty, "I always pegged you for one who would be on the prosecution side."
"I was, however your case made me see things differently. Had our government been structured in the way it is now, you would have been given a defense attorney who would have guided you in how to testify on your own behalf."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I prosecuted you back then. It was my job to do so, however had you had a defense attorney, you would have had someone on your side. Someone who could have talked to you about the pitfalls of refusing to cooperate with an investigation. Someone who could have provided you with protection once you had been freed. Our government back then was set up to bypass a lot of due process, and the way it is structured now we do more to protect the innocent from being railroaded for crimes they didn't commit."
"You say my case made you see things differently?" I ask.
"Indeed. The law was very black and white back then. You refused to cooperate, I sentenced you based on what the law dictated. You were never allowed to present any mitigating circumstances that would have proven your innocence."
The one minute warning comes up and I shake my head. I'm surprised at how much I wish I could continue this conversation.
"Jack, would you still be willing to bring Miles up here Sunday?" I ask.
"I would love that. Eric, I hope you know, I may look at Miles like he is my family, but he is your son. I have never, and will never try to take your place in his life."
"Thank you." I reply.
"I look forward to seeing you Sunday." He replies.
"Same." I reply before the line goes dead.
Mike queues up my final call, and I'm excited when I hear her scratchy voice.
"I tried to hold off on calling, but it's been four days and I've been worried about you," I reply.
"I miss you." She rasps out. She barely has a voice, but I can hear her.
"I miss you, more than you possibly know. Johanna said you have the flu. Are you taking your medications? Are you getting enough to eat? Are you drinking?" I fire off.
"I'm ok. Jo brought several homemade soups and I've been eating those. She refills my large water bottle every time she comes by too, and I'm taking all of my medication. I'm ok," She whispers.
"Miles is doing well, I talked to him earlier. His project presentation was today and he said he aced it, the teacher loved his diorama and the details he was able to provide for each planet," I reply, "Pedro is going to bring him tomorrow for family visitation, so I'll get some quality time with both of them. Pedro actually came up yesterday during personal visitation time and we had a great conversation. I'm looking forward to spending more time with him this weekend, its obvious Miles is crazy about him, and vice versa."
"Wow, "I had no idea." She whispers.
"Yeah, Johanna finished the rest of your sessions this week. We've been getting along really well."
"I'd heard that was going well, I'm so proud of you," She rasps.
"I'm trying. I want to come home to my family that includes Johanna and Pedro, and even Jack. Johanna asked me if I would consider letting Jack bring Miles to Sunday's family session."
"Eric…" She rasps.
"Hear me out okay?" I hear her hum in affirmation, "I'm not going to lie, it makes me uncomfortable. She's been getting me to talk more about how much hearing about Jack helping to raise Miles has bothered me. It's not pretty, and I'm sure you've heard-"
"Eric, wait," She interrupts, "Johanna and I only discuss the topics on our specific outline. Things that pertain specifically to me are off limits, that is the confidentiality between you and her."
"Tris, it's okay, I don't want to hide anything from you. I'm talking to you about it because I want to. I've had a hard time hearing about you and Jack, and also Jack's role in Miles' life. That's not a secret, you and I have talked about it already. Jo thinks if I were to see him with Miles, and we both interact on neutral ground, that maybe I can get a better understanding about the dynamics of their relationship. She's going to come along too, and act as a buffer for anything. She told me if at any point I get uncomfortable she can have Jack leave. He's on board for it, so it's up to me. I actually just spent ten minutes of my personal call time on the phone with him right before I called you."
"Oh my gosh... how did that go?" She asks.
"Weird, it needed to happen though. He's not just your ex, he's my son's stepfather for lack of a better term. He's been there when I can't be, and at the end of the day as long as Miles is happy I'm happy. If I'm coming home to a family, I can't pick and choose which ones to come home to."
"I can't even begin to express how proud I am of you. How do you feel after talking to him?" She whispers.
"Apprehensive. I'm a jealous guy, it's something I am working on…"
The one minute warning comes up and I shout "Fuck."
"Eric, I know we're about to be cut off, but I support you in any decision you make. There will be no pressure for anyone, including Jo or me, for you to do anything you're uncomfortable with."
"Tris, sometimes I need to get out of my comfort zone to do what's right for others, especially when it comes to our son. Isn't that what we've been working on this entire time?"
"I'm so proud of you," She whispers.
"I owe it all to you, and to that incredible boy we created. You have no idea how much I've needed you both in my life. You and Miles have changed me."
The call cuts off before I was ready, and I hear the drone of the dial tone. "I love you, Tris. That's what I was going to say before this stupid fucking phone cut us off. I love you, and I'm sorry I got myself into this mess. I'm sorry I haven't been a father to our son, I'm so sorry..."
I slam the phone down repeatedly and let the tears fall, fuck it, fuck everything. I lay my head on the table for a moment.
Mike comes in and takes a seat across from me, "You want to talk about it?"
"I did this." I croak and bury my face into my arm.
"Did what?" He asks.
"I got myself sent here. Instead of being home with my son, I'm here. She could be my wife by now, we could have had more kids and a fucking life, man. I could have actually had a career, and my wife wouldn't be limited to twenty five minute phone calls. My son," I choke on a sob, "my son wouldn't have a fucking stepfather because I would be there Mike. I wouldn't be hearing about his day in fifteen minutes increments, or in supervised visits. I fucked everything up. Everything!"
"Stop." He says firmly, and when I continue to sob he slams his hand into the table by my head. I jerk up in surprise.
"What the fuck?" I yell and he pulls the chair towards me, letting it scrape across the floor.
"I said stop." He says sternly, "You need to focus this energy into getting out of here. It's good that you're mentally here now, you're finally realizing you shouldn't have been here."
"My kid has grown up without me..."
"You have the rest of his life. What you do from today on is what matters." Mike argues.
"I sent myself here!" I shout.
"Yes, you did, and there's not shit you can do about the past. Get out of here, Eric. Focus all of these emotions into getting your ass out of here, and getting your life back. But, there's one piece of advice I'm going to give you, even if you don't want to hear it. You have to watch yourself when it comes to Tris. If you cross a line while she's professionally treating you, the case is done and you're stuck here for another five years. You need to be careful."
"I love her-"
"I know you do, almost anyone who actually knows you and has worked with you knows this. You've got to be smart. Do you understand?" He presses.
I nod my head.
He chains me up and we walk back to my cell. Mike is chatty as usual, and I'm trying to engage but all I can do is think. I'm so sick of all of this. I know that no matter what happens, I want out of here so I can be with my son. I've got Tyson pressing me about a place to live, Johanna pressing me to spend time with who is essentially my son's stepfather, the only two friends I have inside of this place are doing everything they can to keep me focused but the one wildcard is Tris.
The next time I see her, I'm going to get my answers.