A/N: hello all!
i just discovered sk8 (ik, ik i am very late) and am absolutely in love with it and especially my most beloved langa & reki and wanted to write a little something to help tide you over before s2 (which i just discovered is in like two years? i can't wait that long?)
Light TW for self-hatred and insecurities, reki rly goes through it in this fic but it's nothing that we don't see in canon.
so much love to you all, and hope you enjoy (well, as much as you can enjoy angst :).
xoxo Ever
"Reki? Earth to Reki? Hey, you okay?"
"Huh?" Reki is suddenly jerked back to life, the sensation so jarring it nearly makes him fall out of his chair. Where is he, anyway, and what was he even doing before he zoned out so hard he nearly fell clean out of reality? "Oh. God, sorry, Oka. I'm so… out of it today."
"Not just today," Oka says, his brow furrowed in concern so blatant it makes Reki sick. Why is everyone always pitying him? "You've been out of it all week. Is everything okay?"
Is everything okay? No. No, it's never been more not-okay.
"Yeah," Reki lies, running a hand through his mess of fiery hair and working his fingers through his tangled curls. He can't keep doing this. He can't keep coming here. He's like an addict, and this place is only fueling his addiction. "Hey, can I ask you something?"
"What's up?" Oka leans against the counter, that pitying look stuck on his face like someone glued it there.
"Would it… would it be okay if I took some time off? I know it's a busy season for you and I'm really sorry, it's just…" Reki trails off, his eyes glued to the counter so he doesn't have to look at Oka's undoubtedly disappointed stare. "I just need a bit of a break. From skating."
"A break from skating?" When Reki finally looks up at Oka, one of his eyebrows is raised so high it looks like it's trying to climb right off of his face. "Ha, no way. In all the time I've known you, Reki, you've never once taken a break from anything."
"Yeah, well, there's a first time for everything." Reki wishes he wouldn't be so cavalier about all this, so nonchalant. It's the end of Reki's world as he knows it, and Oka is laughing. "So, is that okay?"
"Well, sure, Reki, take as much time as you need," Oka says gingerly, like Reki is an object to be handled with care, a time bomb that could go off at any minute. "You'd tell me if something was up, though, right? I care about you, kid. Don't want you getting yourself hurt."
"Nothing's up. " The words come out more harsh and biting than Reki intended, and he winces. "Thanks, Oka. Mind if I head out?"
"I…" Oka sighs, the resignation clear on his face. "Yeah, no problem."
"Thanks," Reki says again, and he moves to gather his board, to stuff it so deep into his backpack that maybe he'll completely forget about it. "I'll see you around."
"Yeah." Oka's voice follows Reki as he heads to the front door of Dope Sketch, and just as he's about to leave, Oka adds: "Take care of yourself, won't you?"
"Sure." Reki shuts the door behind him and doesn't look back.
He doesn't realize how late it is until he sees how inky black the sky is, how utterly empty and lifeless and dull the stars look, blinking in and out of sight like they may snuff out completely at any minute.
Reki goes to take out his board to skate home, but then he remembers that he's not skating anymore, and then he remembers why he's not skating anymore, and he has to bite his tongue to keep the tears out of his eyes.
Slowly, he starts the long walk to his house, his fists balled up at his sides as he counts his steps. One…. Two…. Three….
What's wrong?
That's what Langa would say if he was here, to see Reki like this, all pathetic and stupid and useless. Useless, stupid, Reki. Always holding everyone back. Always dragging everyone down.
Reki shakes his head to get Langa's voice out of it. He can't think about Langa, can't even hear his name without feeling like he's coming apart at the edges, like the very fabric of who he is is wearing thin.
Come on, Reki. Why don't we get some ramen? You look a little peaky.
Peaky. Langa had said that, once, and Reki had asked if that was one of those special words they only say in Canada, and then Langa had started laughing and Reki had joined him and they'd laughed themselves sick until they could barely stand.
That's how it always was, with them. Reki would say something stupid, or Langa would say something obliviously adorable, and they'd laugh and laugh until it felt like there was no one else in the whole wide world except for the two of them.
Or maybe it was only Reki who felt like that. Maybe it was only Reki who couldn't stop noticing Langa.
Reki isn't laughing now. He isn't sure he ever wants to laugh again if it won't be Langa he's laughing with.
Reki doesn't go to school today. He pretends to be sick and instead hides out in his room, and even his mom can't seem to drag him out of bed. She's worried about him, he knows, but the worst part is that he can't even seem to make himself do anything about it. He can't seem to make himself care about what she's thinking.
He hates himself for that. For only thinking about one person, one person always, one person with blue hair and blue eyes and a smile like a star that you can't stop looking at and when you do you want to go back in time, for just a few seconds, just so you can look at it all over again.
And yet, here he is. In bed. Ignoring Langa, without a single explanation why. He hates himself for that, too.
Reki sighs and rolls over, fumbling around on his bedside table for his phone. He picks it up to watch a skating video, but when he unlocks the screen, there are unread texts from Langa waiting for him.
Langa: Reki, are you coming to school today?
Langa: I'm at the corner.
Langa: ...Should I leave without you?
Langa: Call me, Reki, please
Langa: i'm really worried about you.
Langa: … Please.
The thought of Langa just standing there, waiting alone on that corner, makes Reki wants to cry, and he almost does.
Reki opens his camera roll and scrolls through his videos, flipping past picture after picture of Langa, and it makes his heart constrict.
Langa. Beautiful, effervescent Langa. When was it that Reki started loving him?
No, he knows. It was when he first watched Langa fall off his skateboard.
Reki draws in a deep breath, his fingertip hovering above a little video icon on the screen. He presses play.
"You can do it, man! Come on, you got this."
Reki holds his phone high above his head, looking more than a little stupid trying to film Langa from this angle but not really caring, either. He never cares about that kind of thing when he's with Langa. When he's with Langa, he's not stupid, useless Reki. He's not that one redhead who's always hanging around Snow. That one redhead who can barely skate to save his life, and oh, yeah, do you remember when Adam made him into a complete joke back at S?
"Reki, I'm not sure this is a good idea." Langa shifts his weight from side to side, testing out his balance on the board. "I can barely stand, how am I going to be able to move?"
"Hey, none of that! You and I both saw you last night at S. You're insane!" Reki grins at Langa, the kind of big open-mouthed grin that looking at Langa always brings out of him. Back then, he didn't realize what he felt for Langa. Back then, Langa was just his friend, just his bro, and Reki was too stupid to realize that Langa could never fit into such a small box. He shines far too brilliantly for that. "Just remember your stance. You got this, man!"
"Ah. Alright, alright." Langa shuts his eyes tightly, drawing in a deep breath, and Reki just stares: at the way Langa's chest rises and falls, the way his hair shifts slightly over his long eyelashes, the way his lips are slightly parted when he breathes in. Reki does a lot of that, the whole staring at Langa thing. Only back then, he didn't realize why he did it. They were just friends, after all.
"Alright! Go for it, Langa!" Reki pumps his fist high in the air and nearly drops his phone, the video recording shaking as he does.
With a small nod, as if he's convincing himself, Langa pushes forward with his back foot and manages to get his other foot back on the board, slowly taking off across the pavement. Reki holds his breath, watching every small movement Langa makes as he manages to mount the skateboard and keep his balance, waving his arms around like he's a windmill. For a minute, he's really doing it, and Reki starts jumping up and down, his heart so full of joy for his brilliant friend that he might just explode, and Langa is really skating, he's really got it, Reki knew he would and-
Slam.
Reki barely registers what's going on before Langa skates smack into a pole - hard - and falls off his board, lying there lifelessly against the pavement.
"Hey, Langa, you alright? You okay?" Reki shoves his phone in his pocket, not bothering to stop the recording, and hurries to Langa's side. "You all good, man?"
For a minute, Reki thinks Langa might really be hurt, but suddenly, a hand flies up and nearly smacks Reki in the face, boasting a proud thumbs up.
"Ib-did-ib-Reki!" Langa's words are muffled from where his face is smushed against the pavement, and Reki tilts his head, grabbing Langa's arm to roll him over.
"Huh?"
"I did it, Reki! I did it," Langa says, nearly out of breath, and then suddenly he's laughing his head off and before Reki can say anything else Langa has grabbed both sides of his face and he's bringing his forehead up to touch Reki's and suddenly little tendrils of adrenaline shoot through his skin from where his touches Langa and the world seems to pause. "Thanks, Reki. Really. You're my favorite person alive, did you know that?"
"I- Hey, man, get off of me!" Reki says, forcing a laugh, and he pushes Langa's hands away because he wants them to stay on his face forever and that's not right, because they're friends, and Reki doesn't know how to process the ten million thoughts that have just shot through his brain in rapid succession. "Yeah… you're welcome. Of course you're welcome! You did amazing, Langa, you're a natural!"
"Ah, you're so sweet, Reki. Always so sweet." Langa tilts his head and some of his hair falls in his eyes and Reki stares down at him, sprawled on the pavement with those brilliant blue eyes staring right into his own and he's calling Reki sweet and he's smiling, and oh, God, something is wrong with Reki, isn't it?
How can Langa be so brilliant, so ethereal, even when he's lying in a heap in the middle of the road? How can he shine so brightly that Reki feels like he's a moth drawn to his endless blue flame, even when he's not with him?
He doesn't know, and if he didn't know then, he surely doesn't know now.
Present-day-Reki turns his phone off and throws it across his mattress, watching the way it settles into a discarded blanket at the foot of his bed. He doesn't want to look at it. Doesn't want to watch videos of himself setting foot on a path he's never quite recovered from taking. Even back then, he was holding Langa back. Even back then, he was stupid, useless Reki.
He shuts his eyes and tries to sleep, and he can't, so he wishes he was holding Langa. Reki wishes Langa were here, he always does, but he wants him even more when he realizes that he might never be here, here, ever again.
When Reki finally drifts off, he dreams of Langa, of racing him for the first time, the two of them flying down the S course without a care in the world, and at the end, Langa wraps his arms around Reki's neck and tells him that he wasn't a bother, not really, he wasn't stupid, or useless, and that even if he was, Langa would love him all the same.
It's a good dream. Reki hates it.
Reki spends his Saturday wallowing in self-pity. He knows he's being an idiot, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care about a lot of things these days.
He ends up wandering down a long retail street, staring into shop windows and picking out things he'd buy if he had more money, but really they are all just things he'd like to buy Langa, and he wants to kick himself for thinking about him again at a time like this.
Somehow, at the end of it all, Reki ends up near the hospital, taking a long, slow loop around the building as the sun begins to set in the distance. How'd he get here, anyway? Did he take a wrong turn? Maybe he should get out his phone and map the rest of the way back to his-
"Reki?"
The voice is cool and clear and rings out through the quiet hospital parking lot, and Reki freezes in place. Did he really just hear that correctly?
"Reki, come here."
Slowly, he turns around, shutting his eyes so that he doesn't have to face the speaker until the last possible minute. Damn it, that's right. Adam hit him with that board, no wonder he's here.
Sure enough, sitting in a wheelchair next to a blossoming apple tree sits none other than Cherry Blossom, his chin propped up on a bent arm. He beckons at Reki with his free hand, and Reki considers running, but then he remembers that this is Cherry he's talking about, Cherry who would and probably could kill him, and so he walks over to him, his arms folded protectively over his chest. What does Cherry want to do with Reki, anyway? Cherry doesn't even like him.
"Where have you been, Reki?" Cherry's expression is unreadable, one of cold calculation, and Reki just stands there, mutely. What does he say to that? What can he say to that? "Don't just stand there like a gaping fish. Sit." Cherry motions to the empty bench beside him, and Reki sits, refusing to make eye contact with the older man. "How long are you going to ignore me? I'm injured, you know. You should be kinder to an invalid."
"You're not an invalid," Reki blurts out.
"Oh?"
"You'll be alright in a day or two. You're Cherry Blossom, after all. You're, what, like in the top three of all the skaters in S? You're a legend, for crying out loud. One hit from that pig Adam couldn't keep you down," Reki says furiously, unsure of why he's so angry and who it is that he's really angry at. Adam? Cherry? Langa? It doesn't feel right to place his frustration on any of them, and that just makes him even angrier.
Suddenly, Cherry laughs, and it catches Reki so off-guard that he almost falls off the bench. Cherry has a nice laugh, he decides, sort of like the way a ringing bell sounds, and some of his inexplicable anger washes away. Some of it.
"Is that what you think? That I'm a legend?" Cherry shakes his head at him, regaining his composure. "Then why didn't you watch my beef?"
"Because… because I'm taking a break, is all. I'm taking a break from skating." Reki shrugs, his gaze directed firmly at the ground. "It's not good for me," he adds, mumbling.
"What was that?"
"It's not… It's not good for me."
"Not good for you, or not good for Langa?" Cherry asks, and Reki's head jerks upwards in shock.
"What?"
"You're not some big mystery, Reki. It's not hard to figure you out." Cherry looks at him like he should be sad but isn't, and for some reason, Reki finds that oddly comforting. At least Cherry doesn't pity him like everyone else. "You feel like you're holding Langa back, is that it?"
"I…" Reki sighs in resignation. No use trying to fight the truth. "I guess, but that's not all of it. I'm just… I'm not good at skating, not really. I'm so… average."
"So you think you're not good enough?" Cherry raises an eyebrow, and Reki has the strange sensation that this is some sort of test and he's failing, but he keeps talking anyway. It feels good, to talk to someone about this. He'd normally talk about this kind of thing with Langa, but he sure as hell can't talk to him about it, and Cherry's as good an impartial mediator as any.
"I don't think. I know I'm not." Reki looks back at the ground. "I've always known I'm not, but it didn't matter, not until I met Langa. Not until I saw how amazing he was. He's just so… I mean, he's Langa, right? He's perfect at everything, he's Snow, he's brilliant , and I'm… I'm just Reki."
"Mm. I think I understand, now," Cherry muses, and Reki looks up at him again.
"Understand what?"
"Understand you." Cherry says it like it's a fact, which makes Reki sour.
"You don't. You can't understand me, nobody does." Except Langa.
"Can I ask you a question?" Cherry asks, his gaze wary. "Promise me you won't freak out and run off, because I can't chase you down in this wheelchair."
Reki pauses, trying to analyze Cherry's un-analyzable face. He looks more serious, now, somehow, but there's still a glint of something more, in his eyes, and Reki realizes he's never really looked at Cherry up until this moment. He realizes that he really doesn't know Cherry at all.
"Fine."
"Do you love him?" Cherry asks the question so matter-of-factly that Reki almost misses the significance of what he's just asked.
"Wait, what? Who?" Reki can't keep the blush from his face, and soon enough his cheeks are flushed and burning red as he stares at Cherry, who just smiles at him.
"You know who," Cherry says, his half-smile deepening. "I'll take that as a yes, then."
"No, don't take it as a yes! I don't love anyone, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about." Reki folds his arms across his chest and frowns at Cherry. How does he know? Is Reki really that obvious?
"Alright, then. I've got no interest in pushing you." Cherry tilts his head, slightly. "But if you were in love with him, then maybe I could offer you some advice from someone who knows what that's like far better than you'd expect."
This confuses Reki. How could Cherry ever understand even an inch of what he's going through?
"What do you mean?" he asks tentatively, careful not to confirm or deny the whole loving Langa part.
The hospital courtyard is silent but for the soft chirping of birds and the swish of wind through the trees, and it's bathed in a soft golden light that makes Cherry's amber eyes flash with something so full of longing that it makes Reki frown. He knows that feeling, that longing. He knows it all too well.
"I knew someone, once." Cherry looks away from Reki, now, and turns out to the sky, watching the sun set low over the mountains in the distance. "He was like your Langa-"
"He's not my Langa," Reki interjects, and Cherry rolls his eyes.
"Right. Well, he was like Langa nonetheless, and it was intoxicating." Cherry shuts his eyes, suddenly, as if returning to a world he's long since left, and Reki watches him, completely mesmerized. He's never seen Cherry like this, so… wistful . "It was like having the whole world skate by before your eyes. He did things I've never seen anyone do before, and he did them with such ease that it made me wonder how I was lucky enough to be placed in the middle of his path."
Cherry pauses, opening his eyes.
"So of course, I fell in love with him. I couldn't help it, really, how could I be expected to? He was so… so bright ." Cherry sighs, running a hand through his hair. "And I let him string me along, and I let myself feel less then because how could anyone ever be as great as he was?"
This hits Reki right where it hurts, right in the middle of his heart. Maybe Cherry does understand him.
"I shut out the world when he was around, I shut out… I shut out the person I was closest to, and I know it killed him, though he never said a word." Were there… tears shining in Cherry's eyes? No, Reki must be mistaken. There's no way the great Cherry Blossom is crying right in front of him. "Then, one day, he was different. He was… colder, somehow. And I knew, then, although it had hardly begun, that I was no longer a part of his world. That he was the sun, and all of us were just planets in his orbit, and I was just one of many and not one of few, and it tore me apart."
"Are you talking about… Adam?" Reki asks carefully, not wanting to upset Cherry more than he already is.
"Ha. You're sharper than I thought, I guess." Cherry turns back to him, his eyes sparkling behind his glasses. "Told you we weren't all that different."
"But Langa would never do something like that! He'd never shut me out, he'd never turn cold, not when he's so… so warm ." Reki blurts the words out, and he realizes that his hands are shaking. "Langa would never leave me. He couldn't, he's… he's different. Different than everyone else. Langa… he doesn't think of me like everyone else does. He thinks I'm special."
"So, then, why are you leaving him?" Cherry asks, and Reki knows that he's been caught in his own trap. He knows what he's doing is wrong, but Cherry calling him out on it just makes it hurt ten times more. "You may not see it, but Langa depends on you, Reki. He can barely skate when you're not around."
"That's not… that's not true. This is better for him." Reki shakes his head, looking down at his damned shaking hands and trying as hard as he can not to cry. "You didn't hear what those people were saying. You didn't hear what they were saying about me."
"Reki." Cherry says his name so warmly that Reki looks up in surprise, his eyes shining with tears. "I may not understand your situation completely, but I know that Langa is not like Adam. He values you more than you know, and this abandoning him, abandoning skating… All it's doing is driving you further apart. If I had the chance to go back, to choose the one who would stand by my side no matter what… I'd take it in a heartbeat."
"Joe," Reki realizes, and he watches as Cherry visibly winces at the name. "He was your closest friend, the one you shut out? Is that why the two of you are always fighting?"
"Yeah." Cherry laughs darkly, shaking his head. "I didn't realize how important he was to me until it was too late."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"Because I don't want you to turn out like me, Reki." Cherry gives him a look that's full to the brim with remorse, and it makes Reki's heart twist. "Look, you may not be as good as Langa, but that's not the point. If it wasn't for you, Langa would never have started skating in the first place. You raced against Adam, for God's sake. It takes more than skill and technique to do something like that."
"But I lost," Reki says, his mind flashing back to that horrible, horrible race. "I lost."
"So did I," Cherry says, giving him another one of his small, half-smiles. "And you know who picked me up and carried me to the hospital?"
"Really?" Reki asks, the image of Joe taking the injured Cherry into his arms making his heart feel all warm and fuzzy, and he starts laughing. "He did that for you?"
"Of course he did. We don't hate each other, not really." Cherry smiles, sighing. "Look, Reki. To love is not to leave. Don't make the same mistakes I did, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life. You and Langa… you've got something great. Don't screw it up."
"Cherry…" Reki begins, but he doesn't know what to say. How can he respond to something like that? How can he even begin to convey how grateful he is? How strangely thankful he is to have someone finally, finally, tell him like it is? "Thanks, I guess," is all he can say, and it's not enough, it's never enough, but Cherry just smiles at him, that wistful glint still in his eyes.
"Will I see you at S tonight, then?"
"Not… not tonight," Reki says, "but maybe sometime. Sometime soon."
"That's good enough for me." Cherry sighs. "Well, I have to head back or Joe will go crazy and call the cops. No doubt that imbecile thinks I'm dead in a ditch somewhere."
Reki laughs, dully, and gets to his feet, rubbing his elbow in that awkward way people do when they're not quite sure which way to move, what exactly to do with their hands. "Thanks. Really."
"No thanks are necessary," Cherry says matter-of-factly. "You're always the one giving, and I thought it was about time you were on the receiving end of a little affection."
With that, he wheels off back towards the hospital, and Reki is left alone.
His head is swimming for the entire walk home, and by the time he finally makes it back to his house, he's not quite right. Something has changed, inside stupid, useless Reki, and he's not entirely sure what it is.
"Reki? Reki, someone's here for you!"
Reki is jolted awake by his mother's concerned voice through his bedroom door, and he nearly falls out of his bed at her shouting, throwing a hoodie over his bare chest and running his fingers through his disheveled hair.
"Who is it?" he yells back, already knowing the answer.
"It's your friend Langa!"
Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. What can he do? Jump through the window? Fake a stomach ache? Escape through the shower drain?
No, there's no denying it: Langa's caught him this time, and Reki is going to have to face him whether he likes it or not.
"Give me a second, mom!" he shrieks, his voice cracking sharply, and in spite of himself, he prays Langa didn't hear. Against his better judgement, he pauses for a minute in front of the mirror, taking a look at himself.
Reki has never been a vain person, not for as long as he's been alive, but something about seeing Langa for the first time in whole days makes him nervous, and more than a little self-conscious. He's made uncomfortably aware of his unkempt hair, of his plain old hoodie, of his complete lack of composure, and he shoves a headband over his head in an attempt to construct some semblance of self-control.
He still looks like a mess, but it's not going to get much better, so he puts his head down and ducks out of the door.
And nearly passes out cold when he sees who's waiting outside.
"Reki, why don't you and Langa hang out in your room? I'll get you boys something to drink. Langa, do you like orange juice?" Reki's mom just talks on and on and Reki knows then that she has absolutely no idea what's been going on in his mind. What goes on in his mind every time Langa is around.
Because there he is: all bright and shining and blue and beautiful, only he's not shining so bright anymore, and hey, wait, why is he looking at the floor? Why won't he look up at Reki? And are those tears in his eyes?
"I'm alright, actually," Langa says quietly, his gaze trained on the wooden panels beneath his feet. "But thank you so much."
"Oh! Oh, well, okay, if you're sure," Reki's mom says, obviously taken aback, and she gives Reki a look of clear panic at the sorry state of her son and his best friend. "Well, you two have fun! I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything."
And then she's bustled off, and Reki is alone with Langa.
Reki is alone with Langa.
But this isn't how he wanted it. He doesn't want this crushing sadness, this unspoken weight that the two of them are both carrying, whether they know it or not.
"Uh, come in," Reki says awkwardly, opening the door to his bedroom and letting Langa walk through it. He doesn't even look at him.
Inside, Reki's room is a complete and utter mess, but Langa doesn't seem to care, and he just stands there in the middle of the floor, his gaze unmoving. Reki shuts the door behind them with a soft click , unsure of what to do, what to say, where to look, what to do with his hands.
Look, Reki. To love is not to leave. Don't make the same mistakes I did, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life. You and Langa… you've got something great. Don't screw it up.
Reki doesn't know how to fix this when he isn't sure he even wants to fix it in the first place.
"How are you?" It's Langa who breaks the silence, and for the first time in what feels like an eternity, he looks up at Reki, his eyes swimming. "It's been a while, hasn't it? Ha."
"I'm fine," Reki lies, folding his arms. "Why'd you come by?" Harsh. Cold. Langa winces at Reki's tone, and Reki hates himself even more. Stupid, useless Reki. Why can't you say anything right?
"I… I wanted to see you. I wanted to ask…" Langa trails off, can barely finish his sentences, and Reki's heart aches at the sheer pain in his eyes. "I wanted to ask if I'd done something wrong."
"No. You haven't," Reki says quickly. How can he think that? This is all Reki's fault, that brilliant, beautiful Langa thinks he's done something wrong, when it's Reki who's the wrong one. Reki, who is wrong for Langa. "I've just been busy, that's all." Another lie, and Langa knows it.
"Oka told me you're taking some time off. He said you're taking a break from skating." Langa draws in a shaking breath, and when he looks up at Reki again, there's desperation in his gaze. It nearly breaks Reki in two. "And I haven't seen you at S, only I thought I heard you when I raced Joe but I must have been crazy. Oh, and Cherry got hurt really bad, Reki, it was awful, and I beat Joe, although I didn't feel all that great about it."
"Yeah, I heard all that," Reki says, and he shifts uncomfortably. "Sounds like you did as amazing as always, Langa. You're always so amazing, you know that?" Damn it, don't you ever shut up, Reki? Don't you ever know when to quit?
"I don't know," Langa says, and he's looking so intently at Reki, like if he just looks hard enough he might see right into his very thoughts, and it makes Reki want to cry. Why can't he just fix this? Why can't he stop running? "I didn't understand it at all. It didn't… feel right, not really."
"Well, you won anyway, so good job. I'm… I'm proud of you. Like always. I'm always proud of you, Langa. You always make me proud." Reki is talking too much, like always. Even when he's hurt, he's still annoying.
"I miss you, Reki." Langa suddenly blurts the words out like he's been holding them in for days on end, and Reki freezes. I miss you Reki I miss you Reki I miss you I miss you I miss you.
"I'm right here," Reki manages, but he knows what Langa means, and suddenly, before he can do anything, Langa takes one step forward and wraps his arms around him, burying his beautiful head into his shoulder as he pulls Reki close.
And Reki's body lights up. He's hugged Langa before, but never like this, never like the two of them were the last people on Earth, never like they'd been apart for lifetimes on end, and Reki just stands there like a statue, his arms at his sides as brilliant, beautiful Langa holds him close, his shoulders shaking because he's… crying. Langa is crying.
"Reki… I hope you'd tell me if I did something. I never want to do anything to hurt you, and oh, I've hurt you, haven't I?" Langa's voice is muffled against Reki's hoodie, but he can't move a muscle, not even an inch, or else Langa might let go of him and he never, never wants Langa to let go of him. "It was you who taught me to skate, Reki. It's because of you I even got good at all, and now… And now you don't even want to see me anymore. Please, just… Just tell me what I did, so I can undo it. I can't… I can't lose you too, Reki. I can't."
I can't lose you Reki I can't lose you Reki I can't I can't I can't.
Reki's heart is thundering, speeding a mile a minute, and he's certain Langa can hear it beating nearly right out of his chest.
"I…" he begins, but he can't finish. He doesn't know what else to do.
Slowly, Reki extends his arms and wraps them around Langa's waist, his fingers clutching at the soft fabric of his t-shirt, and he pulls him even closer. It feels better than he ever could have imagined, holding Langa like this, like space and time are just constructs and none of them could ever measure up to the feeling of being so damn close to brilliant, beautiful Langa.
"I'm sorry," he breathes, and the second he does, Langa's shoulders start shaking even harder, and Reki can hear his muffled sobs as he cries into Reki's shoulder, his tears melting into his hoodie as he clutches Reki like he's a lifeline. "I'm sorry, Langa. I'm so sorry."
"Reki," Langa sobs, "Reki, Reki, Reki."
The sound of his name from Langa's voice brings tears to Reki's eyes, too, and he has to blink to keep his vision from flooding altogether.
"I'm sorry," he says again, because what else can he say? "I'm sorry for holding you back."
"Reki… Wait, what?" Immediately, Langa pulls away, and Reki grabs at his shirt helplessly, wanting to pull him back once again and never let go, but Langa is out of reach, now, his brow creased with confusion. "What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean," Reki says helplessly. Doesn't he? Doesn't Langa know that all this time, it's been Reki bringing him down? "I'm just so… average. I'm not like you, I never have been, I mean, it took me whole months to just learn how to ollie, and you did it in, what, two weeks? They don't even know who I am, out there. They call me that one redhead who's always hanging around Snow, did you know that? Did you know that I'm so useless that people don't even know my name?"
"Reki…" Langa says again, but this time, Reki doesn't want to hear his name on Langa's lips, because that would mean that he's pitying him, just like everybody else. That Langa, too, is just like everybody else.
"And I've tried so hard to be happy for you, Langa, I try so hard, and I just can't seem to do it, sometimes, and I hate myself for it, for being so selfish, and damn it, Langa, why can't I do it too?" Reki is screaming, now, calling out into the void, into the wide expanse of time and space that exists between himself and Langa, and tears are streaming down his cheeks but just like everything else, he can't bring himself to care about them. "I'll never be like you, or Cherry, or Joe, I'll never fit with the rest of you, don't you see that? Don't you see that hanging around me is just dragging you further down? I'm just stupid, useless Reki, Langa, and you're so bright and shiny and beautiful and holy shit, Langa, if I wasn't me I would be doing anything I could to get you to look my way."
"Reki…"
"Why do you look my way, Langa? Why do you look at me, when there's really not that much of me that's worth looking at? Why do you hug me and tell me I'm your favorite person alive and make me think, for just a second, that there's a part of me worth looking at?"
Reki has fallen to his knees and he isn't sure when he did so and suddenly he just buries his head in his hands and cries and cries and cries.
You may not see it, but Langa depends on you, Reki. He can barely skate when you're not around.
"Reki." Suddenly there are cold, soft hands on Reki's face, and they are gently lifting up his chin to look into a pair of sparkling blue eyes, and Reki stares into them like the whole world is contained in Langa's face. "Reki, stop."
"I don't… I don't know how." Reki's voice is choked by sobs, and as crying Reki looks at crying Langa he is not sure he's ever felt this empty before in his life.
"Then just listen to me. Please," Langa adds, drawing in a deep breath. "I have never known anyone more worth looking at than you are. I have never known anyone more deserving of all the good the world has to offer than you, Reki."
Reki just stares into those tear-filled eyes, his mind a fuzzy web of tangled-up emotions. Love, hate, hope, worry, and everything in between circle through him, and he can't help but feel slightly light-headed. What?
"If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't… Well, I wouldn't really be me," Langa says carefully, as if he's selecting each and every one of his words with the upmost care. "You see me- really see me -when no one else does, and even if you killed me, I still couldn't hate you. Not that you'd ever kill me, of course. Or that you'd even think about it. Agh, why did I say that? God, I'm so hopeless at this stuff," Langa says, putting a hand to his forehead, and Reki can't help but laugh at his desperation, his chin still cupped in Langa's free hand.
"You're… you're everything to me, Reki. How could you ever drag me down when just seeing your face sends me so high up it's hard to breathe?" Langa suddenly puts his forehead against Reki's and time slows, nothing mattering but for that little place where Langa's skin touches Reki's, for the way Langa's breath mixes with Reki's, for the simple quiet of his bedroom and the soft beating of his heart. "Every part of you is worth looking at, even the ones you hate. I'd give up skating a thousand times if it meant I could spend just one more day with you."
Langa draws in a deep, shaking breath. "God, Reki, I… I…"
Reki's eyes widen. No, this couldn't be. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't… Langa doesn't… He doesn't…
"I love you, Reki." Langa's eyes flutter closed, and suddenly the world tilts on its axis.
I love you Reki I love you Reki I love you I love you I love you.
This can't be real. This is a dream, a beautiful, wonderful dream, a dream that Reki never ever wants to wake up from, not for as long as he lives.
"You… you do?" he blurts out, unable to keep the surprise from his voice. "I mean… I do too. Oh, God, I really do, Langa, I really love you, but I didn't think… I wasn't sure if…"
"I can't believe you didn't see it," Langa says with a choked laugh, "I thought I made it so obvious. You were so perfect, and I… I was so awkward and tall and stupid and I didn't know if you'd ever think of me like that, and-"
"Shut up, Langa," Reki says, and suddenly, unsure of what possesses him to do so, he leans forward and crashes into his beautiful, brilliant, blue-eyed boy, and then he's kissing Langa, oh, God, he's kissing Langa.
It is like the snow and the summertime all at once, and Langa's lips are cold against Reki's warm ones, and he can taste their tears, and the soft brush of Langa's tongue against his bottom lip makes Reki's head spin like crazy but he's never felt better and he grabs the back of Langa's head, pulling him closer, closer, never close enough.
They're lying on the floor, now, Reki practically on top of Langa as he kisses him like the world is ending, and he's never really known how to kiss before but with Langa it's as natural as breathing, and he supposes that that's what happens when you really like someone, and oh, God, he really likes Langa.
He loves him.
When Reki finally pulls away, breathless, Langa looks like he's just been hit by a bus, his cheeks flushed and his lips bruised and his hair all messed up and Reki can't help but start laughing, and then they're both laughing, and Reki suddenly realizes that this is what Cherry meant when he said that if he had the chance to go back, to choose the one who would stand by his side no matter what, he'd take it in a heartbeat because Reki's heart, too, beats only for Langa, and he'd gladly give up anything to keep it that way.
"Did you really mean it?" Reki asks breathlessly, sort of embarrassed to be asking for validation but not really caring. He doesn't care about anything, not when he's with Langa. His Langa. "Do you really love me?"
"A thousand times over," Langa says. "Now kiss me again."
Reki does, and he's never felt less stupid or useless as he does in this very moment.
Thanks, Reki. Really. You're my favorite person alive, did you know that?
Reki is not as good as Langa, that much is true, but Cherry was right - It doesn't matter, not when Langa loves him. The entire world can hate him for all he cares, and Reki would let them do it.
He has all he needs right here, held tightly in his arms, and for the first time in years, Reki feels like something that's worth looking at.
I love you, Reki. A thousand times over.
Reki kisses Langa again. He never wants to stop.