Chapter 14: Behind the Door
"How long has it been since you entered Father's room?"
Fred looked askance at her from across the table the following morning. Merimas had left for Buckland after breakfast. Now Fred and Estella were alone together eating second breakfast. She'd tried the night before not to cast a glance at her father's door, but she had failed. Ever since then the question had been burning her.
"Not since the undertaker took him away," replied Fred, rather shakily.
"Why do you ask?"
Estella forked the eggs on her plate. "I needed to know."
A couple of hours of meandering around, Estella finally found the courage to approach her father's bedroom. The door opened with a slight creek.
The curtains were drawn, making the room dark. Her legs felt like jelly, but she willed her foot to step forward. She made it to the window, slowly pulling the curtains apart. Sunlight spilled into the room.
Though the sunlight was warm, Estella shivered and rubbed the goosebumps on her arms as she sank to the bed. She twisted to the left, her father's pillow sitting peacefully beside her. It was still indented from where he had lain. Stray salt and pepper strands of hair were scattered over it.
Estella reached for the pillow, coddling it to her chest. She sucked in, trying hard not to cry. She had cried for so long, so many times. She was sick of her own tears, sick of sore eyes and the salty taste in her
mouth.
"Stella."
She jerked up her head at Fred's voice. He sounded almost childlike, standing in the doorway with shoulders hunched over.
"Yes, Fred?"
Her brother hesitantly walked to the bed. "I lied to you. I didn't come in here when the undertaker took Father away. This is the first time since before he died that I have been in here."
"Freddy, why did you leave to lead the rebellion?"
Fred looked startled at the question that seemed to come from nowhere,
but he answered without fault. "You know why."
"I only know what I assumed. You never told me your reason."
Fred plopped down beside her, chin touching his chest. "Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and Sam left me in charge of the cottage at Crickhollow when they went off into the Old Forest. I was suppose to stay there to divert attention, but when those black-clad phantoms came I ran for the hills and well, you know how I was after that happened."
Estella nodded. "You didn't recognize me for two days."
"I was so ashamed of how I reacted." Fred leaned forward, elbows on
his knees, rubbing his eyes furiously.
"But Fred," Estella caught his wrists, feeling more like a mother than
a sister to him as she stopped him from rubbing his eyes sore. "It's only fair that you were frightened. I'm sure that's how any hobbit would have reacted."
Fred turned a miserable face to her. "Compared to what the four Travellers did, I really was a coward."
Estella bit her lip. She had called him a coward more times than she could remember. She never meant it in the way he was meaning it though.
"Then the ruffians invaded, and something needed to be done. Folco told me he wished someone would drive out the ruffians. That was my chance. I knew I needed to do something, or things might get worse."
"You never told me that." Estella swallowed, feeling as if she'd been stung. "We use to share everything with each other-"
"- until Father became ill," he finished.
"It's hard to talk to someone who is never around," Estella said, bluntly.
Fred snorted. "Leading the rebellion was a good excuse not to be home."
Estella looked surprised at the admittance. "I loved Father dearly, but to see such a strong hobbit dwindle away-"
"It's the hardest thing to go through." They exchanged an understanding glance.
Fred grasped his sister's hand. "You're stronger than I am, Stella."
"No, Fred. We're strong in different ways. If you were a coward, you would never have led the rebellion. Despite my anger for you leaving us," she stroked his curls, "you were so brave to fight for the Shire's freedom."
She was sick of her own tears, but those of others she could handle and was glad of it. Fred's eyes welled up, and unaccustomed tears flowed down his cheeks. "Can you ever forgive me for not being here?"
"O dear brother." Estella wrapped her arms around Fred, pulling him to her. "I forgive you."