The Center for Correction and Rehabilitation of Mary Sues and Other Clichéd Characters Spawned From Bad Fanfiction
By jameswalrus
Disclaimer: I don't own Tolkien's characters. That's why it's called FANfiction. As far as the plot, I don't think it's been done before as I haven't seen it anywhere, but if it has, my apologies.
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Opening the door to her house and throwing down her backpack, Angela stomped up the stairs to her room. Flinging a pile of clothes off her bed, she sat down and stared moodily at the ceiling. She stretched out her legs (which were clad in black jeans to match her black boots and black T-shirt), kicking aside a stray black skirt.
"God. Life sucks," she said to no one in particular. (As characters of bad fanfiction often do.)
Today at school had been another especially bad day at school. Her ex-boyfriend, Todd, had already managed to hook up with another girl three days after dumping Angela. Angela had no friends at school and didn't want any. The girls at school and their giggling ways could go ruin someone else's life. She was currently failing four subjects (English, Spanish, History, and the dreaded Algebra, respectively) at school, and hated with a passion all things physical education. The only things keeping Angela alive were her emo music and occasionally a good book. Lord Of The Rings was her favorite of all time.
So, it was on this fateful afternoon that Angela opened her favorite book, seeking solace from the cold, cruel realities of life, seeking an escape from reality. No one she talked to could console her. She was so alone. (But most definitely not a cliche fanfic character. Nope.)
Suddenly, a purple fog whirled around her hair (which was dyed black). A blindingly bright light, and then a sensation of falling, falling… (and she can't get up! gasp)
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"Ow!" hollered Angela, as her rear end came in contact with the hard, wet ground. She sat up, blinking.
"Where am I?" she questioned herself. She looked around.
She appeared to be in a forest typical of fantasy stories. Trees stretched towards the sky, and there seemed to be no one in sight.
"Well, I guess I'll just pick a direction and start walking," Angela declared as if this were a novel idea and had never been done before in a fanfiction, and sheproceeded to do so.
She walked been five minutes before she heard a siren coming towards her. She turned and froze.
The siren was coming from a car that definitely didn't look like the police cars from back home. It was orange and green and the side was emblazoned with the words "Fanfiction Police: Protecting Middle Earth From Rabid Fangirls Day By Day". The car's engine came to a halt. A hefty man with brown hair and a green uniform stepped out of the car with handcuffs clutched in his left fist.
"Okay, Sue. We gotcha. Come here," said the man, addressing her.
"My name's Angela," said Angela coldly.
"Hey, take it easy, Ralph," said another, younger man as he slammed the passenger door shut. "At least we nabbed this one before she did any harm." This man was also wearing a green uniform with a silver badge. He wore his dirty blonde hair in a shaggy style and looked to be in his early twenties.
"Look, I don't know who the hell you are or what the hell you're doing, but I didn't do anything wrong," spat Angela.
"Sure, ya didn't," said the man called Ralph. "That's what they all say. Although, I admit, you ain't as bad as some of them Sues. They're crazy."
"Yeah," said the blonde. "Remember the one yesterday with the dagger?"
"What the hell?" asked Angela.
"Sheddap," ordered Ralph. "Listen, we're takin' you to the Center. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Easy way? You come here and I stick these cuffs on you, and you get in the car. The hard way? Well, let's just say 'tranquilizer'," stated Ralph, grinning.
"I'm not going to any fricking 'center' without you explaining this," said Angela, folding her arms across her chest.
"Tell ya what. If you lemme stick these on ya, I'll have Grant here tell you what's goin' on," said Ralph.
"No!" shouted Angela, but the blonde man had come up behind her while she had been talking and snapped his pair of handcuffs around her wrists.
"It's a bit late for that," said Grant, winking at Angela as she spun around to face him. "Now, let's get you into the car."
Reluctantly, Angela let the two policemen escort her to the backseat of the car as Grant took his seat in the front. . Ralph heaved himself into the driver's seat and started the car. Angela sat in silence as they drove, taking many turns. After about twenty minutes, they came to a stop.
Peering out the window, Angela saw a stark white building, perhaps six stories. The building appeared to have many windows, but Angela didn't have a chance to observe more as the two policemen were now ushering her out of the car and through the revolving doors.
Upon entering the building, Angela saw a large, dark-skinned security guard to whom Ralph gave a nod of acknowledgement before marching her up to the front desk, behind which a bored-looking secretary typed away at a computer.
"We got another one. Found her wandering around Mirkwood," said Ralph.
"Right," said the secretary, handing the policeman a clipboard before returning to her computer. Ralph wordlessly passed the clipboard to Grant, who had fished a pen out of his pocket. Grant took the clipboard and sat down on an upholstered chair which boasted a rather tacky pattern of flowers and vines. He began to write. Ralph motioned for Angela to sit down next to Grant before taking a seat on Angela's other side.
Still not knowing where she was, Angela peered at the heading ofone of the forms on the clipboard. The Center for Correction and Rehabilitation of Mary Sues and Other Clichéd Characters Spawned From Bad Fanfiction was the rather lengthy heading that she saw, printed there in flowing cursive.
"Where the hell am I?" asked Angela incredulously.
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A/N: And so ends the first chapter of my first fanfic. Hope you liked it. It should get more amusing as the story goes on. If indeed I decided that it is worth continuing. Reviews would be muchly appreciated.