Horny potter and the bed chamber of secrets
Harry: I can't believe I've sunk this low ever since they took away my porno. I mean, my parents are great, but please my porno!
Vernon: POTHEAD!
Harry: You'd think after I lived with them 12 years, they'd get my last name right
Harry goes downstairs and into the kitchen
Vernon is adjusting Dudley's tie
Vernon: Just think Dudley, this will be the suit you wear on the night you loose your virginity.
Harry:whispers Yeah, if he can still fit in to it.
Vernon: Shut up Pothead, I don't remember asking you to speak.
Harry: For god sakes, it's POTTER! We're already going into the second movie, and you STILL can't get my name right! And besides, the poor suit hardly fits his fat ass now!
Vernon: Whatever. Now, go up to your room, be quiet, and pretend you don't exist!
This is the night when I can actually make myself useful for once, so don't ruin it!
Harry: salutes sarcastically Yes, sir!
In his room...
Dobby is jumping on Harry's bed, stripping, and listening to "It's Getting Hot in Here" on the radio
Harry: What the...?
Dobby: Mister Potter...such an honor it is!
Harry: Wait, are you related to Gollum in Lord of the Rings? ARE you Gollum from Lord of the Rings? Because that would be so cool!
Dobby: No sir, I am Dobby the house elf.
Harry: House elf? Well...you're boring
Dobby: Yes, probably, but I'm also so scary looking, I'm adorable!
Harry: I guess so...so, why exactly are you here, besides to jump on my bed and strip?
Dobby: Dobby has come to warn Mister Potter, not to go back to Hogwarts this year!
Harry: You're kidding, right?
Dobby: Why would I come all this way and risk my life just to kid you about that?
Harry: I don't know you're a house elf; you're not supposed to be very bright. So, if you're not kidding, why should I not go back to Hogwarts?
Dobby: I...can't...say...Dobby starts banging his head on the book shelf
Harry: Dobby, stop you little idiot!
Meanwhile downstairs...
Vernon: So then the English whore, said to the Spanish whore-
Harryheard from upstairs: WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?
Vernon: Umm...just the cat...it happens to be it's...mating season...
Back
upstairs...
Dobby: Harry Potter
must forgive Dobby...but Dobby must punish himself sir...when Dobby
misbehaves...
Harry: Well, do you have a quieter way of punishment? Because this really isn't the best time for me to have a house elf in my room, who's banging his head on furniture! Now, back to our original point of conversation, why shouldn't I go back to Hogwarts?
Dobby: Dobby mustn't say, sir...but there is great danger awaiting you Mr. Potter...Besides, why would Harry want to go back to Hogwarts? His friends haven't even answered his letters!
Harry: How do you know my friends haven't written me?
Dobby: Well sir...Dobby was going to give these to him later...pulls a packet of letters out of his pocket
Harry: Give...me...those...letters...
Dobby: Now, now...let's be reasonable about this...
Harry: Give them back...before I kick. Your. Ass.
Dobby: Mr. Potter...you're a little too close...
Harry: Because I'm going to kick... your... ass...
Dobby: Mr. Potter is scaring Dobby!
Harry: Scaring me too, because I've never had such a desire to kick... your... ass...
Dobby runs downstairs, Harry goes after him
Harry: Dobby, get back upstairs now!
Dobby makes the pudding float in midair, right above Mrs. Mason's head
Vernon: So then I said, just make a new boat!
Everyone laughs politely, and Vernon spots the pudding
Vernon: Oh...my...god...
It falls right on her hair, and Harry is right above Mrs. Mason, making it look like he was the culprit
Vernon: Umm...bad kitty!runs after Harry
Mr. Mason: That's a cat?
Petunia: Umm...yes...a lynx...they're native to...Africa!
Mr. Mason: It looked like a teenage boy to me...
Petunia: Yes, it tends to do that during its mating season...
Later...
Vernon is drilling bars on Harry's window
Harry: Oh come on Vernon...the litter box and cat nip was one thing, but now bars? Please don't do this...whatever happened to Harry-Cute-Butt? Every hottie with a body, needs a cutie with booty, am I right? Please let me out! I'm your little sugar lips, remember? REMEMBER?begins banging on the window
Vernon ignores him, and climbs down the ladder, away from the window
Harry: Damnit!
A few nights later...
Ron: Harry! Wake up!
Harry:asleep, but with a horny look on his face Hermione...is that you?
Ron: No Harry, it's me, Ron!
Harry: AAAAHHHHH!sits up, and looks at his body to make sure he's fully clothed Oh...my god. Ron, what are you doing here?
Ron: I'm here to save you from being a kitty! Now get all your shit, and let's go!
Ron, Fred, and George all pull the bars of the window off with the car, and Vernon and Petunia hear it all happen
Vernon: sleepily Mm...What was that?
Petunia: gasps It's Santa! Go right back to sleep!
Petunia falls back against the bed, and pretends to be asleep. Vernon just sits there, rethinking what Petunia just said
Vernon: But Petunia, this is the middle of summer. What would Santa be doing here in July?
Petunia: I don't know...I just heard it in a movie somewhere...
Vernon: Then if it wasn't Santa Claus...who was it?
Petunia: gasps again the cat! Err...I mean...the boy!