he can't see the smile i'm faking / and my heart's not breaking 'coz i'm not feeling anything at all / and you were wild and crazy, just so frustrating / intoxicating, complicated / got away by some mistake
- the way i loved you, taylor swift (fearless)
no amount of the glitz and the glam can hide the cracks in her smile. she can feel the corners of her lips quiver with every pained stretch just so no one can see the truth behind it. and when she throws a glance at him, his broad shoulders high with the weight of success, sakura promises that he will never know.
sasuke uchiha is a smart man. from a prestigious clan of great renown, in any challenging field known to man, you will hear their name; and leading their new generation to new heights is sasuke himself. sakura is proud, of course. she is a close witness to many sleepless nights and frustrated phone calls in the middle of their dates. from missed anniversaries and forgotten birthdays to attend emergency meetings and overseas business proposals, sakura is there behind him and silently offers her silent support.
but if there is something that smart sasuke is not, that is being emotionally available.
they've been dating for five years now and have known each other for seven. naruto introduced them to each other where they immediately hated one another. she's so annoying, sasuke has said that time; countered by sakura with he's so rude!
and that is the start of their weird companionship that turned into an eventual friendship, which inevitably ended up being romantically involved together. as sakura looks back at their history now, she huffs out an awkward laugh because she can't even say— let alone think— that they're in love any longer.
because how can you say that you're both still in love and not just being in a romantic relationship when the other half of your party doesn't show that he is still in love with you? that you're both still in this relationship brimming with feelings when you feel like there's none of that left?
how can you say you're in love when you don't feel it yourself anymore?
the party comes to an end and they're now in the backseat of his car. sakura stares aimlessly outside, feeling cold despite her wrap around her. beside her is sasuke, speaking to someone on the phone as if he didn't talk to this person for hours earlier at the party.
and like a stray cat being abandoned on the sidewalk at night, she fights the cold that starts to seep throughout her entire being and swallows her whole.
"yes, soma-san," sasuke curtly says on the phone, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "we'll coordinate with your team as early as next week." a quiet sigh left him again as sakura faintly hears the reply of the new business partner over the phone. there's a small satisfaction deep in her gut that at least, sasuke seems to be frustrated right now.
not as frustrated, and hurt, and lonely she is; but it will do for now.
his voice goes a bit louder on his goodbye, "of course. we'll speak soon. good night." she doesn't see it but she knows that he pushed the end call button a little harder than normal. it almost brings a genuine smile to her face.
almost.
then comes his question directly to her, "are you okay?"
sasuke may be emotionally unavailable, but he is quite perceptive when he wants to be. she has practiced the art of acting everything is okay, but subconsciously, sakura also knows that he might have some idea on what's going on with her.
she decides to stall some more. an argument is something that she's not ready for tonight, especially with all the fake smiling and forced socializing today at his company party. she thinks she already hit her mark this evening.
still looking outside the moving car, she shrugs lightly. "i'm good," she simply answers. "just tired, that's all."
often times than not, sasuke usually doesn't ask anything else when you answer him right away and directly. if there is one thing that sasuke values more than family, that is honesty. and with the sharp intuition he's gifted with along with his keen eyes that may as well see everything, she should've known he will not stop tonight.
her facade is crumbling, and she is caught. maybe an argument is better than indifference.
at least it means he cares enough to confront me like this, sakura tells herself.
"i know you're not," sasuke replies, his head still facing ahead of the vehicle. "i saw you tonight at the party. you didn't look fine."
"glad to know you're still looking at me, sasuke-kun… and telling me i'm ugly."
it's an immediate response; a knee-jerk reaction she has always done in the past that never fails to annoy sasuke. she counts in her head and gets to nine when he sternly responds.
"you know that's not what i meant."
"i'm wearing my finest dress, darling, and you're telling me i didn't look fine. i made myself extra pretty for you, you know?"
"stop that," she hears him say. in her peripheral, she sees sasuke finally turn his head to her. "what's going on?"
sakura sighs heavily and shows a tiny fake smile. she looks up at him, "i don't know. you tell me."
his perfect eyebrows meet and she knows he's already at his burning point. "what does that even mean?" sasuke doesn't really care if they're in the presence of his driver, and to be honest neither does she, but his voice almost rings within the small space of the car.
sasuke continues, "i just want you to tell me and be honest with what's going on with you. i didn't ask for you to act like a teenager and answer me that way. i asked you properly. why can't y-"
"did you know that this is the most you've talked to me recently?"
sakura interrupts him mid-sentence. it's something she has never done to him before. their relationship isn't perfect, but it's built on one thing— respect. even when they were basically enemies when they first met, you can feel there was an underlying regard for one another. it turned twofold when they became friends, and tenfold when they got together as a couple.
their love for each other rooted from that very respect, grew with honesty, and bloomed in time with desire, patience, and understanding. and now that she's done something— as small as cutting him off while talking— that represents a lack of respect, sakura realizes something:
if the respect is gone, where is the love now?
is there anything left? that love that came from their deep mutual respect to each other, is it not there anymore? and if it's really gone, what the fuck is she still doing here?
why are they still together?
sasuke looks a little dumbfounded with her action and words, and sakura takes it all with her eyes roaming around his perfect face. it's not everyday you get to catch sasuke uchiha off guard. if she doesn't know him like the back of her hand, she may even say he looks nervous.
"wh-what?" he quietly asks.
"i haven't been with you in a long while, sasuke-kun."
sasuke swallows, "we just had dinner yesterday."
sakura shakes her head, "no." she whispers her words, afraid that if it's louder than intended she might shatter. "you were there, yes. but you're not there."
his eyes are steady on hers and she feels strangely calm. there are no impending tears trying to escape her tear ducts nor a solid mass to clog her throat. maybe this is what happens to you when you've been given nothing but scraps for so long.
"pull over," sasuke instructs his driver. diligently, the man in an expensive suit overpriced for such a boring job pulls over the side of the road. it's almost midnight so fewer cars pass by and even without opening the window, sakura knows the autumn chill can be harsh.
once the car stopped, sasuke asked his driver to leave the vehicle and wait outside. and like the good employee he is— sakura knows his name is takahiro, a new one— he exits out of the vehicle to leave them alone.
silence permeates along with the expensive smell of a luxury car such as this. they come together with the acrid scent of their dying relationship, and sakura wants to get out.
of what, she's not sure yet.
"i'm so tired, sasuke-kun," she achingly whispers, her green eyes glittering in the dark as they stare at his dark ones. "i'm so tired of feeling so insignificant in your life."
his voice was equally soft when he answers, "why didn't you tell me sooner?"
she leans her head sideways to her seat, soft jades still on him, "i don't know…" she touches his hand in between them softly, "maybe i just didn't want to let you go so soon…"
underneath her hand, sasuke's hand curled up into a fist. "wh- how can you not be honest with me? i told you before, sakura. all i need from you was honesty, that's it. why didn't you give me that?!"
ah, typical sasuke-kun, she thinks painfully fondly. doesn't know how to accept mistakes and lashes out when he knows it's his fault.
despite his outburst, sakura remains enamored by him. looking at him like this, with all these different emotions passing across his face, she can easily pretend they were the sasuke and sakura from seven years ago and not the sasuke and sakura they've become from god knows when.
"if that's the case, then you don't need me anymore..." sakura trails, trying to stop her heart from not breaking because she's not feeling anything at all for the past year, and touches his cheek. she can feel him trembling a little and her heart squeezes, if only just a little.
her fingers lightly caress his skin as she murmurs, "this is my honesty, sasuke-kun." she pulls away and she can see sasuke's eyes slowly losing their steady gaze. "i love you, i do…"
sakura looks straight at sasuke before giving her truth— "i just don't know if i can still love us together. i'm not sure if this love that i still feel for you is enough for the both of us. i don't think there's not much left in me."
sasuke blinks, "y-you don't have to. i'm here, i-"
"you're never here. that's the point, sasuke." his un-suffixed name brings him to focus even more but he looks out of words. with the sight, sakura adds, "you know it's true, don't you?"
there's a hint of shame and hurt in his gaze now and sakura revels in this fact. it's a little uncharacteristic of her to feel this way towards someone as special as sasuke, but knowing that he might be hurting like she does gives her some sort of sick comfort.
it signifies that once, they were in love; and that they love each other until now.
it wouldn't hurt like this if they don't.
"i don't know if i can love someone who's not there."
sasuke didn't answer and sakura didn't speak anymore. takahiro was silently told to come back and by midnight, they drive back home.
with her luggage and her heart in her hands, sakura left the next morning.
with no one to look at when he opens his eyes, sasuke closes them again in the hopes of seeing her there.
a/n: it's 2am and i'm tired. i'm sorry afhadkfjahf
ps. yes, that's makki who's driving bc he's in between jobs ok? leave my mans alone lmao