Procrastinated.
-Omake1-
My head hurts. I guess I've been inside for too long today. I should get a little fresh air.
As I walk outside, breathing in the clean air, I almost walk past the Kumachrome Shop when I stop. Huh…maybe I should see if there is anything new today.
There isn't, but I got a sweet pair of headphones out of it. I already own a great pair though, so I decide to give it to someone else. And I already know who.
As I expected, Shinri is in the recording room, testing out different functions. He is so immersed in it; he doesn't even notice me coming in. With a grin spreading across my face, I tip-toe towards him.
"BOO!"
He jumps in the air, only barely managing not to knock off anything. I burst out laughing, something he can't appreciate.
"Yurika! Don't do that! I was about to have a heart attack."
"Haha…sorry…haha…it was too easy…" I apologize between giggles. He huffs, turning away from me while pouting. I kinda feel a little guilty.
"Sorry, that wasn't very nice."
Shinri eyes me for a moment before sighing. "All is good. Well, now that you're here, mind helping me test out the equipment in here? I was wondering if we could record anything."
Do I want to spend time with Shinri? Sure, why not.
I nod, and the two of us get working. The recording room is more complicated than I thought, and we spend quite a long time figuring out how things work. It's pretty fun working together like this though and I feel like we're grown a little closer.
Hm, maybe I should give the headphones. Y'know, to make it up.
He looks surprised at my gift, looking it over. "Huh, not bad…I didn't think you'd give this to me."
Alright!
As I take off the headphones in the recording room, I glance at Shinri. I'm sure he's been asked this plenty of times…but what the hell, I'm asking anyways.
"How did you get your start as an online critic?"
Shinri groans. "Seriously? Did you not watch any of my Q&A's? That's literally the first question people ask me."
I shrug. "Sorry, guess I missed them."
He sighs in annoyance. "There really isn't much to it. I was never a very social or active person when I was little, and I had to stay home often. I've watched movies, read books and played games since I was very little. When YouBlue started up, I decided to use it to use it to make videos like all the cool popular stars back then, and well, here I am, with over 200.000 subscribers."
With another sigh—a sadder one—he looks away. "Though that number is going to be a lot less when I get out of here. If I ever get out of here."
"…Do they know what you did?" I carefully ask.
"No, but I did mention I was going to be away for a long time, and rumors of me going to prison were already floating around the internet. And even if nobody believes those rumors, a year is a long time to go without uploading. You need to stay fairly relevant if you don't want to be forgotten." He says as he goes to sit on a chair.
That makes me think for a bit. "But with so many people missing you…wouldn't they get suspicious if you didn't return?"
Shinri shakes his head. "Nah, some conspiracy theorists and loyal fans are likely going to try and figure out what happened to me…but sometimes people simply disappear off the internet. A year is a long time, and new creators are always aiming to take your spot. Besides, I'm sure Monokuma will find a way to prevent the truth from coming out. The worst that could happen is that it gets out I'm in prison and I become controversial. The audience will take it for an answer, bank on it and swiftly forget me for the newest drama. I'm…replaceable like that."
Ouch, that stings. It's a very negative outlook…but I can understand where he is coming from.
I sit down on the other chair and flash him what I hope is an encouraging smile. "Well…I'm sure there will always be fans who stay loyal to you."
He snorts, but he smiles too. "Yeah, I guess there are. But without their encouragement…"
"I'll encourage you." I say, on impulse, but with honesty.
This makes him pause. He looks at me, wearily, as if I'm going to tell him I'm joking. But I'm not.
When a few minutes pass, he finally breaks out in a smile. "Thanks Yurika, that means a lot to me."
"Heh, any time." I grin. "By the way, what made you want to become a critic specifically? Did you get inspired by another YouBluer?"
His smile immediately transforms to a grimace. "No. People online were praising an RPG for being 'revolutionary' when another game I played executed the same idea way better. Because it was such an obscure game, nobody mentioned it, which motivated me to create an account, learn basic video editing and make a rant about it."
His entire career was jumpstarted because of an online game? Huh, you learn something new every day…
He exhales. "To my surprise, people really liked my video and it started trending, which brought in more viewers. I then, by popular demand, made a whole review of both games and well…the rest is history."
I chuckle at his story. "So basically…you began your entire channel because of a bad game? That's pretty petty."
"Well, I didn't know people would like that much."
I gently elbow him in the rib. "Chill, I'm just teasing you."
"Right…" he answers, somewhat awkwardly "…anyways, that's how everything got started. Nothing big, nothing spectacular, the same story you've heard pretty much with any Youbluer. 'I used to be a quiet and anti-social kid who loved video games and now I make videos.' We all share pretty much the same backstory, give or take a few tragic details."
I'm a little hesitant on asking this, but I do it anyways. "…Do you have some tragic details?"
He's quiet. Very quiet. Then he shakes his head and stands up. "No, well, actually... Look, can we drop this conversation? I…don't want to talk about it."
As soon as I nod, he turns around and walks away. I probably shouldn't have asked about details. That's kinda prying my nose where it doesn't belong. Still, I've learnt a bit about Shinri today.
Since I don't have the ability to figure out the rest of the recording room on my own, I decide to leave it be for the day. As I walk to my room, I pull out my E-Handbook.
"Shinri started his career after a lifetime of being anti-social and watching movies, playing games and reading books. Upon seeing many people praise a game he didn't like as much, he made a video, which ended up trending and jumpstarting his channel."
With little else to add, I put my handbook away, open the door and—
Ugh, I don't feel like sitting inside today.
Rolling off my bed, I decide to walk around the courtyard to see Shinri hasting towards the main building. Knowing that I have a pair of cool looking gloves on me that I bought at the Kumachrome shop, I follow him.
"Yo, Shinri." I greet him just as he starts to walk up the stairs.
"Oh, hey Yurika. I'm going to read in the library."
"Cool, can I come with you?"
He shrugs. "I don't see why not."
We head for the library, where we spend a few hours reading some books. Shinri picked up an ancient classic, while I amuse myself with manga. Despite the silence and the fact, we are doing our own thing, it feels nice. Especially when we discuss our book choices afterwards. I feel like we've grown a little closer.
I throw the gloves at his face when he points out the weirdness of the main character and her inconsistent writing, and he only whines for a second before realizing how cool the gloves are.
"Huh, thanks Yurika. Maybe I could use them for a cosplay. If I ever find more material, that is…"
He sounds really happy!
I crack my stiff fingers, stretching them out.
"Big mood." Shinri replies.
Confused, I raise my eyebrows.
"I always got sore fingers after a long day of editing, so I often crack them too." He explains. "Guess we got that both in common, huh?"
"Suppose so, though I have to admit I haven't done any design work since I came here."
He leans back in his chair. "Neither have I, but to be honest…it's kinda nice to take a break. Lord knows I usually can't get any."
I nod in agreement. "I get what you mean. People are always surprised when I take a break from work. 'But you sit in a chair all day!' they say. Yeah, but I still get tired from raking my brain all day over how I can get that particular angle right."
"Ugh, talk to me about it." Shinri complains. "I get dozens of comments a day asking where the next video is and talking about how easy my job must be. I hired an editor for a reason, you know!"
We share a laugh over our suffering. "I can imagine your job being stressful." I chuckle. "I already get stressed when I get too many commission requests at once. I can't imagine how high the pressure must be for you."
He laughs, but its less enthusiastic and his smile his fallen a little. "Yeah, it's…incredible."
"You okay?" I ask, a little concerned.
He waves it off. "Yeah, but with everything that has happened…I'll be lucky if half of my fanbase remains loyal. Besides, that's still saying I get out…"
"Shinri…"
"It's ok." He says immediately. "I mean, I kind of accepted that my subscriber count's gonna drop already. I mean, even if I wasn't permanently stuck here, a year is a long time to go by without a video. Some people can pull it off…but those are usually the kind of people that need that time. Like independent animators and such. I'm…much more replaceable."
"You're not that replaceable." I protest. "Your videos are fun and clever. You—"
"Make videos that literally anyone with a decent camera set-up and some editing skills can replicate." He interrupts. "Look, I know you're trying to cheer me up, but that's just the harsh reality. There are so many charismatic people on the planet with the dream of becoming YouBlue famous. The void I left will be filled by others, and by the time I get back—"
He takes a deep breath. "…If I get back, I will have to compete with so many other hardworking critics to get that spot back. The industry is more cutthroat than you think. Your channel lives and dies by the algorithm. You either get lucky, or you work to survive. And if you're gone for too long, you'll eventually be forgotten by everyone save for the few people either too lazy or too loyal to leave. My channel will die like me; forgotten by the masses."
Wow. And I thought I had it bad.
With a dry chuckle, he looks up. "No, that's not really true. The first thing that will happen is that other content creator will speculate about my disappearance and profit of off it like vultures. Some people don't care about what they post, as long as it gets them clicks. Trying to investigate what happened to me, starting drama and rumors about me, attempting to contact my spirit…"
"Yikes. Is that even allowed?"
"Probably. Not that YouBlue cares anyways. I'm nothing but another moneymaking machine to them. 'If the dancing monkey dies on the stage, just put a new one in its place'. Why would they care? I've already gotten enough copyright strikes and claims from my videos; they'll be glad someone less troubling to advertisers grabs my empty seat."
I'm not sure how to find the right words for this. "Wow…that's…"
He chuckles, but his laughter feels hollow. "Pretty cynical, right? That's just the unfortunate reality. People, both the audience and the company, forget there is a human behind the screen that feeds them content. I've learnt to face that harsh truth many years ago. Not that I would have said any of it out loud but…"
He trails off, looking up to the ceiling. "I'm going to die here, forgotten and alone. Might as well get it off my chest, huh?"
"…"
"Oh." He notices the look on my face. "Sorry for exploding all of that heavy stuff on you. I know, I should have a gotten a therapist a long time ago. I'm really sorry for putting all that on your shoulders."
"No, no." I say, but maybe not as much as I mean it. "It's ok, I just…didn't expect all of that. You're just…really honest about all this."
His smile is wry. "Honesty is the root that defined my life. I don't like to lie, and I don't like liars. Thanks for listening to my rambles though."
He stands up, pauses, and turns to me. "And I mean that. Thank you for listening…to everything. Both here and before."
As he leaves the library, I feel…uneasy. I…don't know how to process any of this. In an effort to distract myself, I open up my E-Handbook.
"Shinri talked about the darker aspects of his career and claims he is nothing but a replaceable robot for the masses. Honesty is the root of everything that happened to him, apparently, and thus he values it greatly. I'm not sure how to handle everything he unloaded onto me."
I close my E-Handbook and decide to return to my room for a nap. My reading mood is ruined, and I think I'd rather sleep all of these heavy feelings off. With a heavy feeling in my stomach, I return to my room, where I—
Man, I've been asleep for way too long. I think to myself as I rub the sleep out of my eyes. A walk sounds pretty good right now.
As I walk through the courtyard, I see Shinri sitting by himself. Last time we spoke was pretty intense…maybe I should check up on him and see how he's doing. I'd better get something for him first.
I make a quick stop by the Kumachrome shop to buy a comfy pillow before walking back to him.
"Yo, you ok?" I ask him.
He looks up, giving me a quick smile. "I'm alright…just not feeling a 100% right now. But I'd love to talk about video games more, if you want."
…Yeah, I should probably hang out with him.
I hand him the pillow, which he gratefully accepts. He places it behind his head, resting against it. We talk about our favorite video games and why we like them.
"Thanks for the gift, Yurika. I really appreciate it." He suddenly says.
I can't help but smile. It really feels like we've grown a little closer together.
Our debate comes to a quiet halt with the both of us deciding to relax in the sun a little. The silence is nice. It doesn't feel awkward or anything. It feels great to be comfortable like that.
"Hey, Yurika?"
I look to the side. "Hm?"
He doesn't meet my eyes, but looks up at the sky, rather. "Thanks."
"For what?" I ask.
"For being there for me. Y'know, giving me gifts, talking with me, trying to comfort me… you're doing so much for me."
His words feel incredibly sincere. A bit too much, honestly.
"It's no big deal." I tell him. "I like spending time with you."
He chuckles at that. "Really? Even when I unloaded all of that heavy shit onto you like you were my therapist or something? I'm still very sorry for that. It's not your responsibility to shoulder my fears."
"Dude, really, it's no big deal, really." I reassure him. "Sure, last time got a bit heavy on the dark stuff, but you sounded like you really needed to vent to someone. And I can't help you with your channel and shit, but I can be a listening ear at least."
"Still." He insists. "That was wrong of me to do. I'll try not to do it in the future."
I simply wave it off. "Aw, dude, don't be like that. I mean, what are friends for, really?"
"…Friends…?"
Tilting my head to the side, I can see Shinri looking at me, a look in his eyes that I can't quite figure out.
"…Yeah? Sorry, I thought that, well, after all the time we spend, I could call you my friend. Sorry if I overstepped a line or something."
He looks to the ground, then looks back at me out of the corner of his eyes. "…You really consider me your friend?"
The question takes me by surprise. "Um, yeah? I mean, we like the same things, we enjoy spending time together—or at least I am— and we care about each other. I might be the least qualified person to talk about friendship, but I'm pretty sure all that counts towards a friendship. Or, well, at least the beginning of one."
Shinri…doesn't immediately respond. His brow is furrowed, his eyes looking down. Is it hesitation over what to say? Or does he genuinely not know how to react? Huh, and I thought I was closed off.
Alright, now the silence is awkward. I both regret and don't regret telling him and now I don't know what to do either. Great job Yurika. You immediately destroyed one of the few friendships you've build in less than five minutes.
The atmosphere become more and more unbearable with every second. I really feel I need to salvage it at this point.
"Look, I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression, or did something wrong…"
He doesn't react. I sigh.
"Sorry, you probably have a lot of fans proclaiming you their friend or more. I didn't mean to come off as creepy, or that I'm only talking to you because of your fame. I just thought… since it seemed to me like we both enjoyed talking about books and movies and games and such…"
No reaction. I don't know how much more of it I can take anymore.
"Ok, can you at least say something?" I grit my teeth. "Look, I'm not good at this sort of thing, alright? I'm bad at small-talk, I prefer to listen to others because that means I don't have to talk as much and I can't carry a conversation if my life depended on it. I know I have talked to quite a few people staying here, but that's… I don't know, I guess I wanted to try becoming more social before I kick the bucket, you know. But that doesn't mean I'm good at it, or always enjoy it. And I barely know how friendships work so I don't know if I offended you or—"
"You didn't do anything wrong."
I freeze, the rest of my sentence still in my mouth. Something rolls down my cheek. When did I start crying?
Shinri still looks down, a somber look on his face. "You… didn't mess up or anything. It's not you, and I did enjoy talking with you, but it's just…"
He wipes something from his face as well, before standing up, his back in my direction. "There is no point in becoming friends with me."
"Wh…what?"
"Just…" He balls his fist. "I'm sorry, but you should stop talking to me. I shouldn't have let it go that far. Forget about me. It'll make it easier."
And as he walks away and my heart breaks, from the sad tone in his voice and the crushing pain of rejection, I somehow, despite it all, feel like I've gotten to learn more about him. A side of him I probably shouldn't have seen.
I watch him until he walks away, then turn around and leave. I don't even know where I'm going, until I look up and see I've walked to the bathrooms. With a sigh, I pick an empty stall to sit on the closed toilet seat with my knees to my chest. There, I finally bring out my E-Handbook.
I don't know what I did wrong. I told Shinri I considered him my friend, but he rejected my friendship. He tried to assure me it wasn't my fault, but I still feel guilty. He said there is no point in becoming friends with him. I don't know why, but he sounded very sad saying that.
Sighing, I put my E-Handbook away. My head feels heavy, as if—
I need to speak with Shinri today. Not just because I want to know what's going on with him, but also to make sure he's ok.
Buying people things always seems to help them open up to me a little more, so I make a point to stop by the Kumachrome shop to buy something he'd like. I exit the shop with a E-Handbook back cover detailing several game characters. Alright, now to find him…
It takes me a while, but I eventually find him in the recording studio, listening to something. I take a step, stop in my tracks, and knock on the open door. He jolts, but he relaxes when he sees it's me. He looks a little uneasy, but he nods towards another pair of headphones next to him. Quietly, I sit down on a chair and put them on.
We listen to soundtracks for a while. Despite the discomfort, I feel like we've grown just a little closer together.
I wordlessly hand him the E-Handbook back cover, and he carefully takes it, turning it over before popping it on his E-Handbook.
He doesn't say a word, but his eyes say enough.
The silence continues, until I take off my headphones, watching him do the same before opening my mouth. "Okay, look, I get that there must be a good reason for you dropping me like that. Youtuber stress, fear of being taken advantage off by attention seekers, the like. But I didn't try breaking out my shell and talking to the one person who shares my interests to see them play martyr."
"I'm not playing martyr, I'm just—" He doesn't finish his sentence, looking away from me.
I force myself to take a deep breath. "Shinri. Take it from me when I say that shutting people out when they're trying to help isn't always the best idea. It's fine if you don't want to talk about certain things or even be friends…"
My heart feels heavy. I push the emotions in it aside. "But it doesn't change the fact I care about you. And I don't want… to feel like I'm being simply shoved aside after everything that happened."
He balls his fists on his lap, looking at anything except me. "Sorry… but I really can't. It's not that I don't want to be friends…"
Tears form in his eyes. He quickly turns his back to me, pushing up his glasses to wipe them away.
I briefly bite my lip. "I don't have… friends. Or any experience with them. And I didn't intent on talking with people in this facility either. But I'm still doing it, despite our circumstances. Despite my fear. Despite my lack of social skills. I know it's hard. But I'm still doing it… because the end result makes me happy."
"You're not going to be happy with my end result." He snaps at me.
"Why?" I ask, standing up from my seat. "We share the same interests, we share the same humor. Why couldn't we be friends?"
He rises from his seat, his face red. "BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU GETTING HURT!"
The clock ticks. His breath is quick. Mine is heavy.
He grabs his arms. "I… don't get a happy ending. Like I said in the beginning; I'm going to die here. And if you're friends with me, you're going to be so hurt. I just… want to lessen the impact."
My head searches for an answer, but I can't get one quick enough. He sighs, then starts walking past me. "You should forget about me and focus on the things that make you happy. It's better… for everyone." His arms brushes briefly against mine, and as soon as it does, my body answers for me. My hand reaches out, grabbing him by the arm, stopping him in his tracks. He raises his eyebrow at me, and my voice comes back.
"Why can't you do the same?"
His eyes widen. He freezes. "What?"
My grip slackens, but he doesn't make an attempt to move. I look down.
"I could die tomorrow too, right? So, if we're both going to die here… can't we spend our last days with happy memories?"
"…"
"You said I should focus on things that make me happy. But why can't you focus on happy things also?
"…"
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. "Sorry if I pushed too much though. You're right, I'm not entitled to a friendship with you. I was… worried, but I'll respect it, it's fine. I just… hope you enjoyed the time we spend together as much as I did."
He still doesn't respond, but I need to leave. I release his arm and start to walk to the exit. Hesitating, I stop in the door opening. "Even if we can't be friends… could we still hang out every once in a while? If you don't… well, I'll hear it tomorrow. See ya."
He still doesn't react and, in a way, I'm glad he didn't. I can barely see where I'm going with a blurry vision, much less know. It's only when I close the door behind me is that I realize I'm in the utility closet.
Hands shaking, I take out my E-Handbook.
"Shinri says he can't be friends, even though he wants to. He claims he is trying to push me away to keep me safe, since he won't get a happy ending. I tried asking him why he can't focus on the things that make him happy, but I don't think I'm getting an answer…"
And that's when I break—
I don't really feel like doing something today. Part of me is tempted to start the computer… but instead I just flop back onto my bed and bury myself in the pillows. It's very comfy, rubbing my face against softness.
Knock. Knock.
Whelp, there goes my comfy morning. I wonder who it is.
With a sigh, I untangle myself from the blankets and walk towards the door. "Yeah, yeah…"
Still yawning, I open the door, expecting to see Hanako or Noriko. It's Shinri instead. He looks nervously at the ground, not saying a word and not looking me in the eye. I blink surprised.
"Shinri? What're knocking on my door for? It's not even lunch."
He bites his lip, takes a deep breath…
"Hey, can I discuss something with you? In your room?"
Part of me is hesitant. Cautious. Wary. But logic ticks me on the shoulder. This is Shinri. A gust of wind could blow him away. I doubt I have much to fear. "Sure, come in."
Relieved, he walks past me into my room. He takes a moment to look around, a small frown on his face. "Huh, your room looks pretty… barren."
I shrug. "Got a bed, cushions, drawer, computer… I don't need more than that."
He… smiles. Softly, but still. "You must have a great life if you don't need much to make you happy."
"…Eh, I'm just… low-maintenance." I shrug it away. "Any case, take a seat wherever you like."
After a moment of consideration, he sits down on the edge of my bed. Rather rigid, as if he never sat down on a bed before. I pull the bureau chair to us and sit down, crossing my legs and looking at him, waiting for him to start. He notices me looking and sighs.
"I guess you're asking why I'm here, huh?"
"You said you wanted to discuss something, right?" I nod.
Sigh. "Yeah… I uh, wanted to apologize for the other day."
"Other— oh." I say as I remember. Right, that conversation. "Sorry about that, by the way. I realize now you must have felt being guilt-tripped, huh? It wasn't my intention, but—"
"No." He cuts me off. "You were right. Maybe you were a bit much on the friend thing… but I have been needlessly harsh to you. I led you on and then said I didn't want to be friends."
"But you're allowed to decide who to befriend and—" I sputter.
"It isn't about that."
"…"
"…"
He sighs. "I'm sorry Yurika. I really do want to be friends. But even taking the killing game out of the question, I… am not expected to have a long lifespan. I wanted to distance myself from you to protect you, but I only ended up hurting you."
Not a long lifespan?
Upon noticing my confused look, he looks away. "I don't really wanna talk about it. Not here and not now. Maybe one day but… I'm not ready. Let's just say it's the reason I never had any 'IRL' friends. Or many friends in general."
"Oh." I say. I shift a little uncomfortably in my seat. "No worries, I don't really wanna talk about those things either."
He gives me a curious look, but then appears to drop it. "I lived a pretty lonely life… and my career as an internet star helped relieve me of that loneliness. Even so, every time I turn off my computer, I am reminded of my reality. I guess that's why I went so far to protect my channel that I doxed people over it."
I blink. "Is that what…?"
"Yeah." He nods solemnly. "It was really stupid in hindsight. Making things bigger than it really was… I endangered people over some minor things. I didn't want my fandom harassing them that badly, truthfully, but the fact is that when you have a following… you have a responsibility. I was irresponsible and that is why I am here."
"Ah…" I merely respond. I'm not sure what I kind of crime I would have thought he committed, but I suppose doxing someone makes sense.
He chuckles. "Trust me, I've learnt my lesson not to always trust anonymous forums. Doxing is a lot more serious than what you'd think, especially since it got out of hand…"
There is no further elaboration and there doesn't need to be. The internet is a terrible place with cruel people.
"And…that's not the only lesson I learnt."
He takes off his mask, smiling softly as he looks down. "It's one that… well, basically, you were right. My life might be cut short… but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to enjoy it. It's because my life is short is that I should spend every second doing the things that make me happy. I… forgot about that lesson since I came here… but after what you said yesterday… you made me remember it."
His smile is a little sad, but bright. Especially when he looks up at me, grinning. "Thank you, Yurika, for helping me re-learn my lesson."
And I smile back. We might not become friends, but the important part is that we enjoyed our time together. After a bit more of chatting, it's time for him to leave, and we depart on friendly terms. As I close the door after he leaves, I feel a weight falling off my shoulders. Satisfied, I turn on my E-Handbook.
"We apologized to each other today. He told me the reasons for pushing me away, though he isn't ready to talk about in-depth. He doesn't have IRL friends, so he clung onto the internet, which is why he ended up here. We parted not as friends, but with good memories with each other."
I sit down on the bed, leaning backwards as I go over his words. It's still crazy that I got to meet him. I hope we can become friends one day, even if the road to it as long.
With a smile, I fall back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling.
We both deserve it.
Next up: Tomoe's FTE's!