A. N. : Well, here comes another heavy chapter... I'm very sorry. This one comes with a few warnings for suicidal ideation, as well as attempted suicide. Skipping from "Go away, she translates" to "The earth shakes behind her" should allow you to avoid the worst of it, but if you ever feel the need to dip out, you've got my blessing. Also, if you've got OCD (or Pure O) and you know reading about other people's obsessions and/or compulsions triggers your symptoms, I'd honestly recommend stopping at "At that, Suki laughs". There's not a lot on the obsession side in this, but it's there, so just. Take care. Be responsible. I'll see you all next time with a summary !

Hoo, goes the tawny-swallow.

Suki didn't know there were such birds in the Fire Nation. Not that she knows much about this place anyway. This one sounds more like the birds from the Earth Kingdom mainland than those at home, incidentally.

She's heard it sing thirty-seven times as of now. She's had the time to compare.

It's odd, though, how it seems to follow her through the woods. She'd understand if it was trying to chase her away from its nest, but she's walked far enough that it should have stopped a while ago.

Maybe it knows she doesn't belong here, not in this forest. Not with –

Thirty-eight now. Not any louder, not any quieter. Same distance. Hoo, it goes again. Go away, she translates.

There can be no place where she won't be a bother. In that case –

I get it, she answers the next hoot. Just a little longer.

Just a little longer, just a little farther away, somewhere the others won't find her, and she won't be a curse to anyone anymore. She will be strong, the way she should have been on the flight to Tenuht when they forgot to gag her, the way she should have been when the Princess was taunting her, instead of leading her to Sokka. The way she should have been the moment she was captured.

She arrives at a river, too large to be jumped over, no ford in sight. One step, two steps, the stream is strong but not so strong as to wash her away. If she didn't resist, on the other hand…

Seven steps, the water is waist-deep, forcing Suki to hold her arms up so that the sword doesn't also take a bath.

She stops. Here seems good.

It's almost poetic, really, that she would end up using the blade that was supposed to kill her in the first place, the blade that almost killed Sokka. One final act of duty, and then both she and it will vanish into the waters of nothingness.

One breath – the shine of metal in the reborn sun – two breaths – the tawny-swallow's song stops when it had grown more frantic moments earlier – three breaths – Suki closes her eyes as she tilts her head to the side and lets her hair flutter away from her neck, clearing the way for –

The earth shakes behind her.

Something collides with her back, sending Suki tumbling down as the stream swallows her and small hands grip tight to her stomach, trapping her arms against her body.

She gasps, coughs as water infiltrates her lungs and burns – hold your breath, try to free yourself from whoever is holding you, try to find up as the river sends you rolling and your attacker doesn't let go –

Suki elbows and kicks and grabs onto the shore with desperate breaths, her arms finally freed, and as she looks back, down the stream, she sees –

Toph.

Toph, her head bobbing out of the water for an instant as the stream carries her away and she can't catch her footing. Toph, who launched herself into a river to stop Suki in time, even though she can't swim.

Suki dives, lets go of the sword she was holding still, not sparing it a single thought. Anything to go even just slightly faster, anything so that she can grab onto Toph and carry her to safety.

As Suki rests her head on the ground, as she watches Toph cough out water and dig her hands into the shore as if to root herself, like the giant pine tree dominating Kyoshi Island, she notices Toph's newly split lip.

Why ? Why is it that even when she's trying to make things right, Suki always ends up causing trouble for everyone ?

Why did you do this ?

Toph scoffs at the question. She should be the one asking, she croaks, before having another coughing fit. After all the trouble they went through –

Well they shouldn't have ! It was Suki's fault for getting captured, and look at all the good saving her did them ! Look at Sokka ! And they had plans, didn't they ? They, and whoever they were praying for, they'd planned something big for the eclipse and if Suki hadn't been there –

She breathes, painful and desperate. Can't tell if the water sliding down her face comes from the river or her own overflowing emotions.

So then, she wants to die ? One of Toph's hands emerges from the soil it was nested in, grabs Suki's wrist. Answer me, Princess.

Suki smiles weakly. She should, yeah – but Toph interrupts her, voice sharp. Not what she asked. Yes, well, Suki's caused so much pain, there's no way she can stay with the rest of them – once more Toph tsks, irritated. Suki grinds her teeth. She can't – she can't bear to hurt them any more ! Does Toph not get that ?

I asked what you want, Princess !

At that, Suki laughs.

What she wants ? It doesn't matter what she wants ! None of her decisions ever turn out to be the right one, she – she left Kyoshi Island and got her sisters captured. She taught Sokka and got him to risk his life for her sake. If doing what she isn't supposed to hurts so many people, then she should just do her fucking duty.

She's breathing fast – four, five – out of air like at the end of training – seven, eight – chokes. Even the counting is meaningless, has to be, but what if it isn't, what if forgetting to count the lightning made it so that Sokka – what if it's just one more duty she is failing at – fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, five fingers around her wrist, five six seven droplets of water on the grass, one more friend who almost died because of her.

Not everyone – eleven twelve thirteen shit, stop dripping, she needs to focus on talking and not on the sixteen seventeen eighteen –

Not everyone can be as strong as Toph is, Suki breathes out as fast as possible so she doesn't lose count of the droplets and the breaths and the fingers on her wrist.

What Suki wants isn't a weight she can carry anymore.