Chapter 2: My Hairy Mastermind
Lexcorp Flagship Offices
"What do you mean 'we can't come in at this time'? Lois and I have an interview at 10 with Lex Luthor himself", Clark asks the air headed lobby receptionist. "Like I said four times before, Mr… Kent, it's only 9:45am. Ya can't just go up there now for whatever this 'setup' thing is. It's an interview, you just talk to him!" "We have rights as members of the press to set up our equipment, set up a calming environment, things like that!", Lois barked. "My 'eloquent' partner is right, no matter how terse she explains it." "Damn right I am. So make that call upstairs already, if you like your job."
Suddenly, the first elevator to the right of the front desk opens with a sense of arrogance and authority. "M-m-Mr Luthor, sir, good morning!", stammers the fearful front desk person. "Good morning, subordinate. Why are you failing to bring my guests upstairs?", Lex asks in a paternal tone. "Well, I just, uhh,… they kept asking for things and it's not their time and—" "Excuses. All I hear is excuses. Ms Lane, Clark, head on up to the penthouse office without me. I'll be there shortly", Lex directs while eerily lurking towards the receptionist's computer screen. "Terri, is it? Is that you name?" "Y-yes, sir—" "Good job keeping them waiting. If there's one news source that always rubs me the wrong way, it's the Daily Planet. If they want to slander us and print libelous babble on our legacy, make them wait to hear our side. Always." "…Yes, sir?" "No, don't question it. Accept it as an unwritten rule for you and you alone", he demands before proudly strutting into the nearest open elevator.
"Say what you will about the guy, but Lex has an eye for interior design", Lois remarks, finishing up the recorder set-up. "It definitely fits the mega corp CEO theme for sure", Clark replies. "I don't think even Bruce spent this much on his Gotham office." "It's gotta be in the ballpark at least, those two have money beyond money." "Maybe. Maybe not, that's not a question I think we should ask either one of them. Too much green though." "Wait, didn't you just say don't ask about their money?" "No, too much of the color green. It's a very specific type of green."
"Glad you skimmed through my designer's palette guide", Lex sarcastically claims, entering from a secret back door disguised as a wall. "Do you happen to know what shade of green this is?", he brags, failing to notice Lois had started to record the upcoming conversation. "Let me guess: Kryptonite green", Lois replies. "She's one smart cookie. You're very correct." "If anyone is going to paint their office the same color as a killer rock, it's you."
"Also correct, Kent! But I don't see it as a 'killer rock'. That's quite harsh, and it doesn't even affect humans. I'd prefer we think of Kryptonite as a bringer of balance between gods and men." "Does taking a life really bring balance, Luthor?" "Well, looks like Mr Kent here studied a semester's worth of philosophy in journalism school, didn't he?" "Says the businessman calling dangerous objects 'bringers of balance'. That's something Jesse Eisenberg would say in The Social Network 2." "Great comeback there, if we were in an elementary school playground. Might as well be one, with your childish mindset!" "I never knew that an anti-murder stance was childish in a world like ours." "It's not murder if the victim isn't human; it's hunting big game or protecting the human race the same way soldiers kill terrorists." "So now Kryptonians are terrorists?"
"Exactly! Who's to say there aren't more warmongering freaks like that Zod guy, huh? How many more of his soldiers do you think are hiding in the shadows of space?!" "He's one of the last four living people from Krypton, he'll die a madman!" "If you are not born on Earth as a human, you are not a person. You are an alien, an individual that doesn't belong here or anywhere. You do not get the privilege of being called a person!" "Alright, that's enough, you two. You two don't have to like each other, but at least be cordial for this interview. Just this once."
As the two sternly stared at each other, with Lois standing between the two, Lex leans back into his swivel chair. "I suppose we'll respectfully agree to disagree on that topic", Lex laments. "I suppose so", Clark replies dryly. "Good. Now, since you two are very ready to get into the deep, important questions, allow me to ask you a question, Mr Luthor—" "Please, call me Lex. You've earned it thanks to your associate and his very sharp rebuttals." "Kinda sexist but ok, Lex. How come you got released from jail a month early?"
"Good behavior inside is far more rewarded than good behavior in the real world. It also helps that a bunch of capes had brought me there in the first place, making everyone have massive doubt of my guilt." "You killed 6 children on camera with the Joker and Ras Al Ghul", corrected Lois. "You were dragged into the nearest police precinct with child blood on your button down. How do you respond to that?" "That was my nose bleeding from their unnecessary violence. I'm too smart to lie about my known life!" "You didn't answer her child blood question, Lex." "I don't need to, you already know the answer." "No we don't, that's why we're asking for the third time now." "As previously stated, I don't need to answer a question I already commented on."
"Fine, you did some things, landed a few years inside and now you're out early." "Hold up, I didn't do anything wrong; Superman and those damn capes dragged me, an innocent rich white man, there!" "How come you were seen in person fighting the Justice League on the side of 'morally questionable' folks like the Joker and Captain Cold?" "I was saving the world, and your so-called 'heroes' just want to break it or rule it. They're rats, and Superman is the worst one of all!"
Clark takes a moment to clean his glasses, as Lex spat on them during his vitriolic rant. "…Right. Glad that topic's been cleared up, just like Clark's glasses", Lois sarcastically claims, trying to lighten up the mood. "Before we move onto our next point of discussion, I'd like to ask one more question: why do you hate Superman with such venomous rage?"
"Why do I hate him?… Why don't you, Lois? Why don't you hate the idea that humans aren't special to this massive universe when a bunch of B-movie monster designs live and breathe and do feats thousands of years far beyond any normal human evolution could ever achieve?", Lex spattered in a ludicrous manner. "How come you want the human race to be beaten by lab accidents, gods finally coming out of hiding, and beings from another planet or galaxy hellbent on dominating our species and taking our lives away and enslaving our women and children like a bunch of dirty ni—" Suddenly, the phone rings for Lex. "Excuse me for a moment, Ms Lane. Hello? Yes, I remember them. What do you mean they're here early? No, I did inform them of Ms Lane's newly made interview appointment. I did. Damnit, I said I did! Fine, I'll greet them myself in five. Thank you, bye."
"Didn't know you were working on comedic timing phones at Lexcorp", Lois comments coyly. "Very funny, but my shareholders are about to bust open my office door. Sadly, this interview is over as of NOW. Get out or my security shows you out." "As my Pa Kent would say, Mr Luthor, that was quite the discussion we shared together, whether I liked it or not", Clark sternly commented, trying his best to not break Luthor's hand during their handshake. "You should quit the journalism business, Kent. That right arm of yours belongs in the ring!", Lex replied, shaking his left arm to make sure he still had working nerves in it.
"We'll be in touch with you for the first edition date", Lois replies, gathering her equipment. "Just a little courtesy the Planet does for their interviewees." "Lovely, but you're not already halfway through the door. My shareholders are almost as viscous as your editor says I am!" "Fine, we're out!… Elevators are on the right hand side, right?" "Yes, Ms Lane. Get in them."
As Lois and Clark exit, the same blonde woman from last night shoves them out of the way, holding a stuffed folder of indiscernible papers. "It's just us in here, Lex?", she asks while dropping the load of papers on the floor. "For now, Ms Graves, this office is ours." "YAY, my hairy mastermind is back on the streets!", she exclaims with glee, kicking the door closed and jumping onto him. "Glad to see a real man inside this office for once." "What do you mean 'real man inside this office'?" "Don't you remember what I told ya at the restaurant?", Graves flirtatiously asks, hopping onto Luthor's desk. "The cops stormed in here not long after—" "The damn alien and his silly caped friends. I must've, I was thinking of ways to ruin their interview in my sleep." "You're as petty as a high school head cheerleader, but plotting like a chess master!" "Enough with the dinner pleasantries. How many officers did we pay off?" "What?" "How many officers know about the War Suit here?" "Oh! None. You hid it too well." "Why do you lie to my face?" "I'm not, no one knows about the real underground shit you got going on here."
"Excellent. Money saved for later purposes. Good good good", Lex sighs. "Lex, what's wrong? You dance on the table every time we get to save money, my little penny pincher." "Mercy,.. why don't the public adore my every hair—" "Poor choice of words, big guy." "Why don't the public adore every atom of me the same way they adore that buffoon Superman?! What does he have that I don't?"
"Do you want the short list or long?", Mercy squeamishly asks, sliding her hand on top of Lex's. "It can't possibly be longer than a breath of fresh air." "Glad you're sitting to hear this, then." "Damnit." "For starters, murderers don't get action figure deals." "Tell that to OJ!" "What else; oh! Pettiness is an acquired taste for a very select group of people." "No it's not, everyone loves being petty." "Everyone with a knack for torture, Lex." "…so everyone." "That's a discussion for later, Lex. But your subtle racism—" "I'm not a racist. I'm a social Darwinist, and only the best of the best should live a life I deem worthy of living!" "I almost forgot to add the egotism/sociopath combo meal you got going on there." "I personally feel those terms are tossed around more than a baseball in Wrigely Field." "Lexy, look, you're an all around asshole to everyone not a literal bad guy. The public likes anyone in a nice costume saving them from bank robbers, muggers, or getting their cat out of the tree. They don't wanna be lectured about how evil Mr Clean wants to fix them for his grand master plan", Mercy summarizes, waving her hands in the air in a very joking manner.
"You really seem to have a strong opinion on my,… my everything!", Lex whines. "What happened to the little blonde Newark girl who won't let me step in a puddle?" "You wanted to know what the public thinks about you. That's how they feel", Mercy replies. "Don't get mad at me for giving you survey data. To be fair, I gave it to you in a more 'professional' presentation!" "More professional? How is 'evil Mr Clean' a professional survey answer?!", Luthor berated, now foaming at the mouth. "Plus, you didn't even answer my question! What does that stupid, stupid space Boy Scout have that I don't?"
"Well, he's got more powers than any other cape. People are amazed at this walking Swiss Army knife of abilities." "So?" "He's also got this hot nice guy thing going on, like Paul Rudd or Ryan Reynolds." "So do I." "No, an astonishing 40% of survey participants said you look and act like Dr Evil from Austin Powers." "…How quickly can we get Wilson to kill Mike Myers?" "That's not an option, Lex! You can't sweep him away like the senator, he's too famous!", Mercy yells in furious frustration. "Jesus, baby, you're better than this. Remember when you choke slammed Blue Beetle to the ground?" "Yeah." "Remember when you snuck into the Hall of Justice and stole those forty cakes for the Make a Wish kids?" "Yeah, I do." "Remember when you knocked out the Joker cold after spending a week inside the basement of Arkham?" "Yeah! I remember!" "Remember the Legion of Doom meeting tonight that YOU organized all by yourself in jail?" "Yes, but also YES!" "That's who you are, no matter what anyone says. That's Lex Luthor, the greatest criminal mind of our time!" "Of OUR time!", Lex agrees, sweeping her off her feet and into his arms.
"See, that's why you're the best Lexcorp Head of Public Relations we've ever had! You know what people want and how we can give it to them. Lex bless you, Mercy." "Wait, 'Lex bless'? Don't you mean God bless?" "After talking to the inmates at my level, I realized I am God. No one on Earth has my IQ level or savagery. No one can come close to my status, and I'll be damned if some alien is gonna try and take my spot as Earth's savior!", Lex declares, soon descending into intense, maniacal laughter.
END OF CHAPTER 2