Chapter 4: I Am Brainiac
Daily Planet Bullpen
"Promise me you're never going to take me to that weird java spot on 32nd again for lunch", Lois begs Clark, spitting coffee back into her cup as the two step out of the elevator. "Who thought that much bean juice to mint juice was a good serving ratio?", Clark comments, forcing the less than tasty drink down his throat. "At least it was cheap." "So $8 for a medium cup is cheap in Kansas? Maybe farming's a better profession than I thought." "What'd you say?", Clark asks, buckling straight up.
"There you two are!", Jimmy yells, catching his breath. "Mr White had me running around this bullpen more than a marathon runner looking for ya!" "Perry knows about this newfangled device called a smartphone, right?", Lois sassily replied, passing him her bad coffee cup. "He made me run around specifically. Said 'it builds character better than a literature workshop' ", Jimmy replied, imitating Perry's gruff and gravely tone of voice. "C'mon, Jimmy, ya gotta get those legs of steel if you want a Mrs Olsen!", Lois chuckled, also in a gruff, gravely voice. "Do you know how many times I missed a headline in the making cause I couldn't catch up with the Gotham Gazette boys and girls?", Clark barked in a very convincing Perry White impression. Lois and Jimmy burst out into hearty laughter. "It was (snort) 34 times I missed those stories! HAHA That's as many floors as this whole building has!", Lois replied, guffawing furiously as Perry. "Glad you remembered after all these years, Ms Lane", Perry confirms, interrupting the mini-roast session. "All three of you, in my office, NOW."
"Alright, Comedy Cellar headliners, there's a story I know you're gonna claim the second you hear it", Perry proudly barks. "Is it the Royals early draft pick rumors?", Clark asks. "No, it's—" "An interview with Wonder Woman?" "Not quite, Lane. Let me finish. It's—" "A swimsuit photoshoot at San Diego Comic Con?", interrupts Jimmy. "Really? Comic Con? At least pick a destination spot like Aruba for such a sexist remark", Lois sternly replies. "Hey, have you seen cosplayers nowadays?", Olsen replies, defending his choice. "SHUT UP NERDS, YOU'RE GOING TO THE BRONX", Perry bellows.
"There's a weird warehouse off of Orchard Beach's northern entrance, old Lexcorp safe house for radioactive chemicals; probably an old nuke or two there." "Yeah, I have uh, I have several questions for that. Like, enough questions to start a conspiracy theory channel on YouTube", Jimmy stammers nervously. "We already did an expose on that, we don't need to ask them again. But whatever, there's more." "What do you mean 'don't need to ask'? We're a newspaper, that's all we do!" "Let's just hear Perry out", Clark claims. "Thank you. I heard some rumblings from an old construction union friend Luthor's hiring any and everyone for a quick job; something about rockets going up tonight!" "Rockets, in The Bronx? Perry, are ya sure that isn't slang for something not kid-appropriate?", Lois asks, covering Jimmy's ears.
"I'm telling you dorks my guy says it's rockets. Space rockets. And whatever's going on there, it's happening tonight. So go out there and figure out what it is before somebody gets hurt!" "Lemme get this straight. You want Lois, Clark, and me to go to a toxic chemical warehouse at night where crime is gonna happen?" "You got candle wax in your ears, kid? Go get your baseball bat or whacking stick if you don't feel safe going there." "Whacking stick?", Jimmy asks sheepishly. "Ya know what, don't even answer that one. We're on it!"
"That's what I like to hear. Now get outta here, before I regret this decision", Perry barks while lighting up a cigar near an open window. "I said go, not stand there open mouthed like a bunch of guppies in the aquarium!"
Orchard Beach Entrance.
"I don't know if I ever told you guys this," stammers Jimmy, "but I've never—" "Been to the real Bronx, we get it. You're a huge nerd who doesn't go more north than East 116th, maybe Yankee Stadium during the Subway Series", Lois sighs. "Did I really say it that many times?", Jimmy mutters under his breath. "You might have, but that's ok. This isn't exactly the Puppy Bowl", Clark comforts. "Assignments like this can be scary, but you're braver than you think, Jimmy. Remember Parasite?" "Well, yeah, but the mayor's life was on the line." "Our own lives are on the line if this is one of Lex's schemes. You'll do alright with us, I promise. Just don't try to fight old baldy for Superman", Clark affirms, giving him a solid pat on the back. "Gee, thanks", Jimmy replied, sounding a bit more secure of himself.
"Alright, here we are. Lexcorp's mystery warehouse", Lois claimed, grabbing Clark and Jimmy by the necks. "You two see any suspicious dudes in coats, maybe with a logo or a gun?" "A GUN?!", Jimmy bellows out of fear. "Who's there?", barks a deep, unknown voice in the distance. "Damnit, Olsen!", shout-whispers Lois, dragging him into a nearby bush. "Could ya not shout anymore at the littlest things like a two month old?" "I said who's there?!", repeats the deep mystery voice. "Must've been the boys back in Kabul again", he thinks aloud, running back to his post. "How come Kabul sounds familiar?" "I know, that's a big city in Afghanistan. My uncle was stationed there for pretty much my whole kid life; used to call every birthday and Christmas from the same post." "Wow, Jimmy. I had no idea you were in a military family", Lois comforts. "He was the only one who wanted to go out there. But that's enough about me, we got a story to catch!" "Yeah, we do, Jim", Clark agrees with a wavily throat.
"So, maybe Lex isn't only hiring retired construction guys. What's our plan to get in there?" "Hear me out on this. You're gonna go with Clark, all quiet and sneaky like, get the pics, and get the fuck out. Simple!" "What are you gonna do, tho, Lois?" "I'll get the car out here at this exact bush, promise." "Sounds like a plan to me." "Yeah, a crappy one! I gotta go out there and do all the hard work while Clark chaperones me. No offense, Clark." "None taken, but you are the intern here. It'll be good to have some real on-the-field reporting experience for you." "Listen to your work dad on this one, it'll be fun. Plus, I'm the only one here with the car keys", Lois chimes in before vanishing out of sight. "…Work dad? Please tell me that phrase doesn't have some gross couples meaning." "Let's uh,… let's go inside the warehouse now, Jimmy", Clark sheepishly replies.
The duo sneak around the warehouse gates and onto a nearby hill, trying to find any additional guards. "You see anyone else with that zoom, Jim?", Clark asks. "Nope, just this one guy,— wait. I see someone else; real twig of a lady. Yep, it's a lady in a business suit." "Tell me you're getting pictures of that, we can use that kind of information later on." "Already snapshot that Hallmark moment." "Nice. Any idea who she is?" "The zoom's too strong to get a real honest look at her face. We gotta move in closer, they're going inside." "Let's go", Clark states while sliding down the hill with Jimmy. "Can you ask first before grabbing me like that?"
Clark slams into the gated fence, ripping it clean open. "Well, looks like we're in now. Find a window no one's watching over", he suggests. Jimmy crouches down, quickly scurrying to the nearest free window. "Here, come quick", Jimmy signals. "It's the same guard and lady from before, but let's say there's a bit more of a security budget inside." Clark gazes into the window, and sees at least 15 more armed individuals, along with an empty landing pad. "Where's the rocket, tho? I didn't hear any launch blasts on the way here." "Maybe they're driving the rocket in, or MAYBE it's invisible like Wonder Woman's jet!", Jimmy theorizes while capturing the scene on film.
Suddenly, his camera flash goes off, catching the attention of Ms Mercy Graves. "Someone's onto us. Check that window there, before I have to", she barks at the guard from earlier. "Shit, she's onto us. Clark, what do we do?", asks a very nervous Olsen. "Move on over to the next window, and turn that flash off. One more picture and we're-" Machine gun fire shatters the whole wall of glass and wood separating our reporters and Ms Graves. "I don't wanna die I don't wanna die I don't wanna die!", Jimmy shouts, trying to avoid any fire. "You're not gonna die, Olsen. We're gonna go, and sort this whole mess in the morning, ok? We have to run now, tho, Jimmy", Clark says in a reassuring tone. "I heard two voices out there!", bellows a faceless guard. "So kill them both, stupid!", Mercy orders.
Clark grabs Jimmy once more and sprints away from the gunfire, praying Lois got to the car in time. As Clark and Jimmy catch their breath at the meet up bush, a small rocket bearing the Lexcorp logo begins to land inside the warehouse. "Clark! Put me on your shoulders, that's a picture worth a thousand words right there!", Jimmy says, snapping the picture at just the right moment. "Get in, losers! We got guards to run from", Lois bellows from the driver's seat. "You're telling us!", Jimmy sassily replies while jumping into the backseat.
The rocket lands gracefully, barely making a sound on impact. "A moth would've landed louder than this baby", shouts Lex, stepping out proudly. "Gentlemen, please remove the alien statue from my ship at once! Shame the rest of the world can't learn about this handsome individual." "That's what we getting paid for? A dumb statue from outer space?", groans a guard to another. "I swear, these rich rats really think they can buy anything for any reason." "Is someone not satisfied with their employment?", asks an angered Lex. "No sir", the first guard replies. "But didn't you just say-" "Shut up, lead head, if you want a job!" Two blasts of Kryptonite energy blast through their chests. "I tell you what to do for money, damnit. Is that clear to ALL OF YOU?", Lex sternly commands, sliding his blaster back inside his blazer.
"Now, since everyone's on the same page, get my statue out of there if you don't want a hole in your chest like Dumb and Dumber over here." "Nice power move there, babe", Mercy compliments. "Ya know, we did have to assert ourselves tonight while you were gone." "Government boys? Locals getting too curious? Who was it?" "We're not sure, but there was three; two taking pictures here and a getaway driver." "Pictures?" "A camera flash gave them away, but we-" "Damnit all to hell. It's the Planet!" "The Planet?" "Yes, the Daily Planet! They're on us till one or both of us dies brutally." "Ah, that Planet!… Let's bomb them." "No, that's too obvious, too amateur for someone like me." "Hey, boss! Your statue might be a doll or puppet or something", diagnoses a guard. "What?!" "Yeah, it's pretty limp, its probable arms, legs and neck are flinging around and ain't sturdy and in place like a statue! Where do ya want it, though?" "Make it stand up. I wanna see this thing for myself", barks Mercy. The two guards carry out a metallic humanoid skeleton, with red bulbs scattered across its skull and ribcage.
As the feet of the figure are planted on the ground, its bulbs emit a bright red glow, as its eyes follow suit. "Scanning premises outside of mothership for threats", it proclaims in an artificial voice. "Stop your scanning, right now! Identify yourself, alien!", Lex shouts, pulling out his blaster once more. "Kryptonite enhanced blaster detected", the skeleton noted, now walking towards Luthor. "S-s-Stop! Identify yourself, NOW!" "Unknown origin of creature possessing home world minerals. Unknown planet of awakening. Unknown galaxy of current location. Calculating possible known planets within range of Kandor Colonial System, last confirmed location before forced shut down", the machine dryly states, continuing its topographical laser scan. "Lex, make your weird ass metal skeleton spaceman stop scanning everything!", Mercy begs, ready to fight at the drop of a pin.
"Creature from the stars, stop! I am Lex Luthor, of Planet Earth. I have found your ship floating in the cosmos, and I own you under Earth law!" The machine stops right in front of Lex, a mere inch from touching him. "Lex Luthor of Earth, I am Brainiac of the planet Krypton. I am the most advanced evolving artificial intelligence in the known universe, calculating the fates of countless systems. I am owned by no creature, organic or artificial. If you wish to override that base rule, I will be forced by my core programming to kill you and your planet in the name of Krypton and all of its royal houses", Brainiac asserts matter-of-factly.
The warehouse is stunned in silence at the automaton's direct threat. "Perhaps I cannot own you like property,—" "You cannot, Lex Luthor of Earth. I am built for the preservation of absolute perfection found throughout the universe and the destruction of imperfection threatening it." "I understand,… Brainiac. Perhaps you can help me and my fine associates with the removal of a particular individual." "Perhaps so, Lex Luthor. Pray to your gods if you have any on this so-called Earth", Brainiac replies as his arm transforms into a small energy cannon, oozing with green blasts waiting to be released. "No, no, do not shoot! We are friendly, we are peaceful human beings!" "Your soldiers are armed with metal guns capable of killing your own species. Your malnourished 'human' in an outfit similar to yours is in a pre-programmed position to strike me down. You plan to destroy me if I do not comply to your demands of ownership." "Malnourished?!", Mercy replies. "Now that's a bit too far there, my metal friend. That was before all of us realized we were communicating with a being of higher level thinking", Luthor chuckles nervously.
"You humans function similar to Kryptonians on a red sun, even though your interior biology is far more primitive. You even wield a Kryptonite enhanced weapon much like the Thanagaryian soldiers of old. There is a Kryptonian on this planet, as the probability of obtaining the minerals without their knowledge or assistance is 0.00000000000000000000000125%." "…Yes, there is a Kryptonian on Earth. There is one here, in our Earth city called Metropolis. He is the imperfection of this planet, causing chaos and destruction throughout this whole galaxy. He has even managed to lie to the Green Lantern Corps about being a good Earthling! He is a problem that must be removed to save this planet, and to maintain the reputation of Krypton amongst the universe!", Lex improvises, lying for his own grand schemes.
"I understand the information given to me. I will conquer Earth and kill the Kryptonian myself—" "No no no no no! No, the Earth is not for sale, my good machine. I can help you, however, with killing the Kryptonian and prepping Earth for another liar from the stars like him", Luthor states, patting him on the shoulder like an old friend. "I can give you shelter, data, and perhaps even some green minerals from your home world IF you ever so desire them."
"There is too little data on Earth and its lifeforms to properly analyze the future outcome of this situation. Once enough data is comprehended, I will make a decision on your offer of assistance in killing the Kryptonian." "Excellent! Now, if you'll follow me to this vehicle—" "Safety protocols enabled. I will not enter your Earth vehicle, Lex Luthor. I require coordinates of the location you wish to transport me to, and I will meet you there at a similar time via propulsion jets within my capabilities." "That's a bit rude for Earthling introductions, Brainiac." "I will not hesitate to end your human life at any moment's notice, Lex Luthor. I am programmed to perform my tasks, not to override my core directives. Do not threaten the correct completion of my given task." "Understood. Meet me on the rooftop of the Lexcorp Tower in Midtown Metropolis, on this planet, as soon as you can. Do you comprehend the location?" "…I comprehend. Accessing nearby geolocation technology data files from databases within long range", Brainiac explains, flying up to the sky for the best connection possible.
"Lex, what have you done?", Mercy asks. "I've done it." "Done what?!" "I found the best way to kill Superman."
END OF CHAPTER 4