Chapter 8: A Perfect Win For The Legion

Bear Mountain Lexcorp Manufacturing Facility

"Lex baby, how many times do I have to tell you let me do my JOB and handle the PR nightmare my way while you fix the science crap?!", bellows Mercy in the empty assembly line walls. "I was handling it to the best of my ability", Lex replies, removing the final pieces of his War Suit armor. "Besides, that's not the only part of my plan."

"Please tell me it's not the Legion of Doom—" "It's the Legion of Doom." "Damnit! Capes and cowls aren't gonna fix this one, Luthor! You got a space Terminator wearing Christmas tree lights as a crown trying to colonize the planet; crazy costumes can't fix a crazy costume mess", she sighs. "Capes and cowls are for those dirty, hippie Justice League members; we're more refined than that." "Grodd is a gorilla that wears only a cape and mind reading crown, Zoom is just color-swapped Flash from the future. The Flash wears a cowl, doesn't he?"

"…We're more refined than anyone will realize in this lifetime, and it's a shame that our status is so. Just like their lateness", Lex laments, grinding his teeth with corporate passive/aggressive anger.

Suddenly, a booming blur of yellow and red enter the dull, gray workplace. "You two won't BELIEVE how easy it is to rob a bunch of hair people in this century!", Zoom exclaims while bride-grabbing Cheetah. "Where's the nearest mirror? Momma can't help but ADORE her new coat, thanks to my little time-traveling cupcake over here", Cheetah giggles with glee, petting herself the whole time.

"Glad you two showed up late AGAIN", Lex complains. "Hey! You were the late one last meeting, and that was the easiest meet-up point for all of us! Sorry if getting to some Boy Scouts camping grounds was a bit of a trek for some of us", Zoom clarifies. "It's a factory, but whatever. Where's the other team members?", Mercy asks. "I thought I saw Wilson nearby on the highway." "Why didn't you give him a lift here as well, Mr Team Player?", Lex interrogates. "He has a bike, he can get here on his own just fine", Cheetah sassily replies, tightening her grip on Zoom. "You wanna get him here now? I have a plan that requires everyone here at once." "Sure thing, Mr Clean", Zoom replies, throwing Lex a prototype bottle of stolen hair growth formula.

"I will say though, nice look you got there", Mercy compliments. "Turns out the threat of murder is the secret step in the scientific method", Cheetah bubbly adds. "It also helps these nerds like cats more than most men do", she continues, winking slyly at Mercy. "Gross", Lex comments. "Gross to you! At least I'm a woman who knows the power of body language, unlike others here." "What the hell, I just said I like your new look!" "This isn't a new look; it's my old fur growing back to its rightful place: all over me", Cheetah hisses as her claws pop out of her left hand.

Another booming red and yellow blur bursts through the hollow factory walls once more. "We're all here now!", Zoom interrupts, showing off Deathstroke and Black Manta. "We didn't need your help getting here, zippy", Wilson replies in his deep drawl. "I've done missions in these mountains before, I know my way around here." "How come you're so late, then?", Lex asks. "Fish boy needed his nightly can of worms before the meeting." "I told you I skipped lunch in confidence!", Manta replies sternly.

"So, the important thing is we're all here. Lex, what's your master plan?", Mercy barks. "Not all of us. Where's Grodd?" "That's who we gotta wait for now? The gorilla?", Cheetah whines. "Yes, you furry", Lex claps back. "We're gonna wait for the telepath and crutch to everything!" "No, we're not. Talk, I denied a mission for this", Wilson states, putting a sword on Luthor's neck. "Hey, guys, let's cool it down for a bit—" "Oh, fast boy wants to slow down now, huh?" "Don't talk to my engine like that, discount Boba Fett!", Cheetah hisses once more.

"I'll talk when the gorilla gets here", Lex cements. "Ya sure about that, rich boy?", Wilson teases, sliding the sword towards his forehead. "What's one more scar going to do to scare me?" "This scar would cut through your brain and skull." "Hold up, let me get my phone. It's your bluff calling me." "I thought you wanted us all here for a reason of teamwork and shit, not to kill each other!", Zoom replies, now stepping between Wilson and Lex.

"Maybe that's the reason: to kill us in a dick measuring contest. That's it, isn't it, money bags?", Wilson baits. "It's not a contest if I die winning." "How does dying serve as a win? Future boy, is that a way we measure winning in your time?" "No, not at all. Dying is still the hardest loss there is. So stop, take a deep breath, and tell us the plan since we all want to hear it very badly."

"I agree", deems Grodd, each step hitting the pavement with regal power and prowess. "I apologize for my tardiness, my prison had a riot." "Is it over?" "My prison HAD a riot." "…fair enough. Now that we're ALL here, there is news I need to share with you; about the UFO from earlier." "Well, what'd you find?", Cheetah asks in a curious yet cautious manner. "There was what I thought was a metal skeleton statue. It was actually Brainiac, an artificial intelligence powered mechanical man from the planet Krypton; Superman's home world!"

"You what?" "You heard me, Manta. The Kryptonians were smarter than I gave them credit for. This absolute leap in galactic technology can research a planet with its own resources in a matter of hours, even if it's shut down!" "Wait wait wait wait. You're telling us you found a robot from space that can plug into the internet and basically take it constant knowledge and secrets?", Cheetah interrupts. "Yes, actually. I never took you for a fellow Advanced Robotics scientist!" "Archeology isn't a science for the simple minded, Luthor. You'd know that if you sponsored any of my expeditions." "That's a discussion for later. So anyway, this living machine is nothing but knowledge straight from Krypton, as well as Earth. I tried to pass it off as another industry-leading invention this morning, and it um,.." "It what? Exploded?"

"In a sense, yes", Mercy replies. "It glitched out and tried to kill three reporters from the Planet; kept saying one of them was Superman. Made its arm some type of cannon—" "Like Silas Stone's kid, I assume", Wilson mutters. "Yes, Tim McGraw, like whoever you said!", Mercy belittled. "It was built to kill, and kept calling that Kent boy Superman. I can't forget it if I wanted to, it acted like a one-man army and courthouse all at once!" "Kent? Who's Kent?" "Clark Kent, a reporter at the Daily Planet-" "Say no more, I'll see what I can find about him for free", Deathstroke demanded, running off to his bike.

"So, the Kryptonian super robot is willing to kill humans for Superman. What's the problem here?", Grodd asks in a confused tone. "I thought you'd do anything to have his head." "I would, but this, this… this machine is not following my plan to guarantee his death! He has my shareholders revolting against me like it's 1700s France, and I'm the king!" "Your shareholders?" "He showed him off in a press conference, and it was aiming at more than just the reporters." "There's a reason we're here instead of somewhere in Metropolis. Too many knives pointed at my direction right now." "Because they think you built a broken murder bot", Zoom interrupts.

"Yes", Lex grinds his teeth in agreement. "He's getting out of control, and I have a plan to control him permanently." "What's the plan?", Manta questions. "Zoom, you gotta find him, chase him and hold him down for a bit. Manta, you use your harpoons to tie him down once Zoom lets go. Cheetah, use your claws to tactfully suppress his joints. Grodd, you have the most important task of all after me." "What must I do to end this nuisance?" "If the machine can think on its own, it can stop thinking on its own. I'll need you to enter its brain and shut down all independent motor functions, allowing me to enter the mainframe and shut it down completely. If he won't follow the plan, I'll make him less powerful than a TI-82 calculator!"

"Excellent plan, baby!", Mercy gleefully shouts, clapping like a schoolgirl. "Now that's how you fix this massive fuck up of yours!" "So you want us to fix your problem for us?", Cheetah confirms. "No, I want you to suppress the robot so I can fix it." "Fair enough. But you owe all of us a mission; no questions asked, just join if we ask ya." "Agreed", replied the rest of the Legion.

"Damn union democracy", Lex mutters under his breath. "What was that?" "I'll accept those terms. We get to work in my office tomorrow morning", he covers.

END OF CHAPTER 8