Were We Honestly Trying to Catch That?
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By Mieren
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This is a complete spoof. Nothing to do with the real series at all, but I'm having fun. And, yes, I know that neither Itachi nor Kisame would ever be such pushovers.
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"Fuck!"
"Kisame, be civil."
"Sorry, Itachi-san. I just thought it would be easier once we actually had him."
"Hah! You get nothing! Suck this!"
"How can he even hear us?"
"Quiet, brat," Itachi growled, feeling annoyed already. No matter what they did, they could not get Kyuubi free, ignoring the fox's seemingly endless supplies of vulgarities and outright obnoxiousness. No one in Akatsuki could get the furry beast to budge, and the more they tried, the louder that the little blond became.
Beating meant squalling.
Whipping meant squalling.
Starvation meant really loud squalling.
Poisoning meant really loud squalling and a filthy cell.
Forcibly removing hair by means of wax or tweezers meant squalling, followed promptly by hysterical laughter as it grew right back. Apparently, it tickled.
Injuries just healed too quickly to be taken seriously.
Handcuffs were picked without hesitation, despite the fact that the blond had no discernable means to pick locks. They made good projectiles too.
Removing his clothes to intimidate him resulted in four people being peed on.
Returning his clothes redefined flatulence.
He had no paper, but amazingly he did have spit wads.
Two people attempting to use the peephole for the first room had their eyes licked.
The new room with the 'safe' observation window was covered in butt prints.
Itachi had learned the definition of a wet willie.
For the average person, "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall" stopped being funny after the first chorus or two. Naruto had just started his seventeenth verse and showed no signs of stopping. Though he was just one person, he somehow managed rounds, a feat in singing that baffled the poor ninja to no end.
The longer he was tied, the worse it got.
"Gag him already," someone complained, throwing a handkerchief to one of the other ninja supposedly 'breaking' the fox boy.
"I wouldn't," Itachi muttered to himself, just watching.
GROWL! Grind-grind-grind. Hack! SPLAT!
"LOOGIE!"
"You little…"
"Wasn't he here for the first time they tried that?" Kisame asked incredulously. Word like that spread, and it spread fast. "I still remember the first time." Naruto could shoot a mouthful of slobbery cloth fifty feet, easy.
"Try it, jerk off! See what happens!"
"You're tied up, idiot. What are you going to do?"
"This."
CHUNCH!
"AAH!"
Itachi nodded. "Never raise your hands to an angry child. It leaves the groin exposed."
"Who actually brought him in?"
"A brunette man with some outlandish fascination in the Hokage's monument," Itachi answered absently, still to enthralled to look away. "He kept saying 'Clothes! The clothes have to be sculpted at the same time!' and then something about chocolate covered mocha beans. The man hurled him at Yuumi's head and stalked off."
"Yuumi?"
"He asked her what Akatsuki would do if they had him and never waited for an answer. The blond started laughing, so he just took aim and fired."
"What on earth did he do?" Kisame asked.
"I'm not exactly sure," the dark-eyed man admitted. "But until he either calms down or runs out of energy, we have no chance to get to Kyuubi."
"So you're just babysitting him until then?"
"No, you are."
"Me? Why me?"
"I'm not stupid enough to go in there again."
"Now I'm scared," Kisame said honestly.
Sigh. "I'll go in again if you will."
"Again?"
"Shut up."
-.-.-.
"Brat, we're here to…"
"Rooster-butt!" Naruto cheered. "You're back!"
"Rooster-butt?" Kisame echoed. "That's not too bad…"
"Just wait."
"Any-cock'll-do!" the blond roared.
"Is he actually suggesting…"
"Look! He's ribbed for your pleasure!"
"I think we should cut off his legs…"
"Why? We've already caught him."
"I need one to shove down his throat."
"And the other?"
"To cram up his ass."
"But my leg isn't ribbed!" Naruto whined.
"Do you know the most painful and humiliating way to die by human hands?" Itachi asked honestly.
"Uh… unclipped toenails?"
"Toe… nails?"
"If you're going to shove a foot up my ass…"
"Has no one thought to cut his tongue out?" Kisame wondered loudly. He pulled out a kunai with clear intent and advanced on the blond.
"Kisame-san?" a nervous looking ninja said.
"What?" he snapped.
"His arms appear to be at the wrong angle for manacles…"
That was all it took to distract the ugly man for the millisecond that it took to happen. There was a muffled snicker followed by two clicks and retreating footsteps. Itachi vanished in pursuit. Kisame just looked down to his poor hands bound together, one from his front and one from behind, crushing his nuts.
"The keys?" he asked stiffly, getting no answer as an obnoxious voice filtered through the old building they were using to hide.
"Ninety-nine little bronze keys to flush down!"
BA-WOOSH!
"I'll find a plunger," the younger man said with a sigh.
"No use," Itachi panted. "Let's just go and hope he doesn't follow us."
"And the keys?" Kisame asked irately.
"Hey!" a young voice yelled from across the building. "Is this superglue?"
The eyes of every Akatsuki member met in instant agreement. They ran like hell.
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OWARI (maybe)
Review! You know you liked it!
Mieren