Zach looked up from his book and smiled as the nurse entered the room, "Hello, Shannon. Shift change already?"
The nurse nodded in reply, "You remembered my name."
Zach marked the page and closed the book with a snap. He tried to remember the names of all of Kendall's caregivers. "I suppose you'd like for me to give you room to work?"
Shannon smiled warmly, "Right again… but I haven't seen you since the morning after your wife came in… you have an impressive memory."
"Thank you, Shannon. I'll be out of your way in a minute," Zach answered. He leaned forward and kissed Kendall gently on the cheek before saying softly to her, "It's time for me to go now, Kendall. I'll be back to read to you some more tonight, unless you wake up sooner… then I'll be here right away to see those beautiful eyes I've been missing. You think about waking up today, okay? Things just aren't the same when you're not keeping me in line." He squeezed her hand one more time, noting it's tenseness with a sharp glance, and then relinquished it to pick up his things.
The nurse pulled the chair he had been seated in out of the way and began her ministrations saying, "Good morning, Kendall. I'm Shannon and I'll be taking care of you today. You're husband's right… it would be nice to see those beautiful eyes we've heard so much about." She looked up at Zach as he was about to leave the room and said, "Mr. Slater."
Zach stopped and turned with a quizzical expression, but waited for the nurse to continue without prompting.
"The music and the book were great ideas… You're helping her more than you realize. How did she seem to you last night?" she said in a conversational tone.
"She's tense and restless… something feels different. Her hands have been moving a lot more, as well as her free leg… and she never relaxed at all last night…" Zach paused, "…even while I was reading."
Shannon smiled, "Thanks for telling me all that… sometimes family members can pick up on imperceptible changes that we won't catch since we're not in the room constantly. I'll just get her all cleaned up and you can come back in."
"Her mother will sit with her… Have a good day, Shannon," Zach answered quietly with a tinge of sadness in his voice.
The nurse looked at him in surprise, but quickly turned back to her patient after saying a quiet, "Thanks."
It had been three very long days since Zach had begun his nightly vigil with Kendall. Very little changed from day to day – Zach left Kendall's room each morning at shift change when her nurse took care of bathing her and changing the linens. He was relieved by Erica who stayed with her during the day. He made himself constantly available to the physicians and met with them at their convenience for updates on Kendall's progress… despite the fact that she had remained in a semi-comatose state. Even with her restlessness, though, she had been unable to bridge the gap to consciousness. Each evening he presented himself in Kendall's room at eleven o'clock and relieved Bianca who had traded places with her mother sometime during the day. He talked to Kendall about business and what the doctors said about her progress, and then read to her for the remainder of the night – or until his voice was too tired to continue, and then he sat and held her hand or stroked her arm until it was time to leave.
He had discovered very quickly that every coma and coma patient was different. Where Bianca had remained still and quiet, Kendall was restless and moved about as much as she was able considering the physical restraints of the ventilator and traction. Her hands moved involuntarily, and as Zach had told the nurse, her free leg had been restless as well. Despite the fact that she seemed very uncomfortable, he was still hopeful that she might be starting to regain consciousness. However, he was concerned that when she woke she would be confused and in significant pain. Finding herself with a breathing tube coming out of her mouth as well as an immobilized left arm and a right leg in traction was going to be traumatic. No matter how often he reminded her of it while he sat with her they had no way of knowing if she would be ready to deal with her physical condition when she did finally open her eyes. As Zach wearily made his way to the ICU waiting room to fill Erica in on how Kendall fared during the night, he once again made a silent and pointless wish that he was the one who was trapped in that bed instead of her.
Erica looked up expectantly as Zach entered the waiting room and he answered her look with a brief shake of his head, "No real change. She's more restless and she's started moving her leg as well as her hands and arm… but not even a flicker of her eyelids."
"Maybe today will be the day," Erica replied softly. She had been almost pleasant since their initial meeting with Kendall's physicians – Zach did not know the reason for her apparent change of tactics but was grateful that there had not been a battle of wills or wits for the past few days, and was pleased to see that it might be continuing for at least one more. "They're going to try and start weaning her today. Maybe she'll wake up when she comes off the vent."
"I know… but it's going to be a few more days before they can remove the tube… and then only if she starts breathing on her own," Zach reminded her carefully. "But it's still good news that they think she's ready."
"How close are you to finishing your book?" Erica asked him.
Zach looked at her in surprise, "We're getting there."
"Maybe she's waiting for you to finish before she wakes up. If she hadn't read it before, she might want to know how it's going to end," Erica answered with a smile.
Who are you and where have you stashed Erica Kane? Was the thought that ran through Zach's mind, but he answered, "I'll try to speed it up."
"You're quite famous in the ICU, you know," Erica commented with a flip of her hair. Zach looked at her, trying very hard to keep from showing his surprise, as she used an almost flirtatious tone. Obviously she wanted something and it was going to take patience to find out what it was. "Between reading that book and your choice of music, you've got the staff just raving about you! How ever did you think of it?"
So that's it. She can't stand that I'm getting attention as Kendall's devoted husband. Zach controlled an urge to smile and replied, "Just sharing some small pleasures with her in the hopes that she'll enjoy them, too."
"But, Zach… Sleeping Beauty?" Erica said with an almost sarcastic rise to her voice as she flipped her hair yet again.
"I was inspired by the beauty of your daughter… my wife," Zach said with as much charm as he could muster so early in the morning. "Does Kendall deserve anything less?"
"You've got a point, Zach. My daughter Kendall deserves only the best," Erica said with a bitter edge to her voice, very apparent in implying that her husband still did not live up to those standards.
Before she could continue Jackson placed his hands on her shoulders, "We should let Slater get some breakfast now, darling. I'm sure that someone will be out to get you any minute."
With that comment, Zach nodded to Erica and Jackson and left the room for the cafeteria and breakfast. He hated eating his meals in the hospital cafeteria. The monotony was difficult to stand for a man so used to directing his own actions as he pleased. After breakfast he would call Edie and take care of anything that required his immediate attention, and then head back to the ICU to meet with Kendall's doctors. Thanks to Joe Martin's thoughtfulness, he was able to have a brief workout in the employee fitness center before taking a shower and then heading to sleep on his narrow bed. Each day he set an alarm to wake him with just enough time to grab a simple dinner before spending the night with Kendall.
Unfortunately, the solitary schedule that Zach generally preferred and the unremitting nights with a comatose Kendall were taxing his resources. He had entirely too much time to think… about Kendall, about his life, and about the future. He had once told Maria that he was a man only interested in the here and now, a man who did not concern himself with the past or consider the future, but that was no longer the case. Once he had admitted to the world that he had been born Alexander Cambias, Jr., he opened up the floodgates to a past that he had eluded for more than twenty years – and gained the condemnation of people who did not comprehend or accept his choices in giving up that privileged life. He understood why people would have difficulty grasping why he had faked his death and run away at the age of 17, but the constant censure by people no more virtuous than himself made him weary. Added to that disapproval was the fact that his present was nothing except endless days in the hospital hoping for a better future – because he had quickly come to realize that Kendall meant a great deal more to him than he had admitted before her accident. Her presence in his life had been warm and inviting, a chance to share laughter and mutual interests. He missed her very much … and in doing so he had to finally acknowledge his true feelings for his wife.
Despite his best intentions, he had fallen in love with her – and it was both terrifying and comforting in the same moment. It hadn't taken him very long to realize that those feelings ran much deeper than the feelings he had had for Maria Grey – because they were based on the reality of their true natures and not the fantasy of a few months in a desert paradise. He certainly didn't wish for another unrequited love in his life – and quite honestly he would have preferred never to love again – but it seemed that fate would not allow him to decide when or who to love. Zach had no choice but to face the truth about his feelings for Kendall, and to decide what to do about them when she finally awoke from her slumber. That was the decision he was having difficulty making – but one that he was determined he must make before her eyes opened. There was no guarantee that she would remember their marriage – or the divorce papers they had signed. He agonized over how to explain their relationship to her without burdening her. He did not want her pity or her guilt, but he wanted to keep her friendship and be some small part of her life. He feared that an admission of love would cause her to reject him and evict him from her life.
As he prepared for another afternoon's rest, he felt guilt for the continuing conflict in his heart and mind. It should be so simple… he loved Kendall and he wanted her to wake up and resume her life, but as long as she remained comatose he could love her without restraint. He lay on the narrow bed with his hands behind his head and allowed himself to feel only the love he had for Kendall without any guilt or reproach… and his heart and mind felt at peace. He remembered Bianca's coma and how they had almost lost her. If it hadn't been for Miranda, for the miracle of her daughter and the love she had for her, they would have lost Bianca as she slipped away from them. Maybe that's it, Zach though to himself, maybe I'm the one who's being selfish. Kendall has always wanted to be loved... needed it… and I can give her that. Maybe that will help her to find her way back… what she does with it after she wakes up doesn't matter – as long as it helps her… It was time to tell Kendall he loved her – and even if she decided that she didn't want him or his love, he would still be able to go on in knowing that he had finally been able to do one good thing with his life.